Facing the unsung music of heartbreaking reality was definitely not an easy task. It was like confronting a fierce battlefield and as a soldier of love, he had to keep on fighting in order not to get swept away in waves of desertion. Most importantly of all he had to keep his sanity intact to survive. Yes, he admitted it was not a smooth path to lead especially when the urge of giving up was always there knocking at the back of his head.
For four years he hid the exhaustion due to the late nights crying behind the plastic mask of composure on his face from his friends, media and even family members. With whatever amount of energy left, he channeled them into tools of endurance to compress and taming down those fiery emotions from breaking loose and just when he thought he had buried them deep in a place called heart, a single dig from that call was enough to soften his barricade of strength.
Excavating the past was and has never been a pleasant journey. A journey where an old wound being sliced open with a sharp blade and then exposed it to the pricking brush of the open air. Waiting for each day to pass by and each night to end was worst than waiting for death. At least death struck once and that was about it. No more misery, no more agony and no more throbbing nightmares.
Of course, there were times where he wished for death to come for him. To pick him up at times when he felt so fragile to even breathe. To gracefully embrace him whenever he was feeling low and down. He wished death was there to summon him when memories of her shadowed over him. To him, those memories served more as a death penalty than providing any remedy on the mess it had created in his life.
Perhaps what made it harder for him to grip the pang of reality itself was the fact that he did not have a chance to bid a proper farewell to her. How unspoken issues were left unsolved right from the day they went on their separate ways and how his unsaid confessions turned cold throughout all those years despite of its frequent retaliations to be unveiled.
“Bri? Bri?” A voice snapped into his sub-conscious mind like a flash of lightning and pierced him out of his long daze.
“Huh?”
“Are you coming?”
“Yeah, yeah… of course! Just give me a sec.” Brian said, clearing his throat as he pushed himself up to his feet. He was about to move a step forward when he realized that his legs were numbed as if the breeze had cast a spell on them. Even his heartbeat was pounding intensely and thus initiating another round of restlessness. Despite of wearing thick coat for the ceremony, he was actually shivering inside.
Was it because of him sitting too long in the car that caused the numbness on his legs? Could the change in weather be the reason of the shivers? Or was it simply because of the fact that fear had crept down his spines and started to taunt his already shaken emotional state in going through that journey of loss for the second time. The same edginess he experienced four years ago.
“Bri? Are you alright? You know… we can always-”
“No, its okay Nick. I’m fine. Furthermore we’re already here right? Might as well we go for it.”
“But-”
“I’m fine, really. You don’t have to worry about me alright.” He lied.
“You sure?” Nick asked in a half convincing mannered as he pulled Brian’s arms back gently.
Brian flashed a weak smile of assurance and nodded his head lightly as he gave Nick a short pat on his shoulder before he walked towards the entrance. Nick tried his best not to annoy his big brother with questions like he always did just for the sake of getting attention but somehow, watching how distracted Brian was during the entire journey worried him a lot.
For once he wished he had asked the others to tag along or to wait for others to fly back from wherever they were but no, he was the smart Alec who suggested and volunteered to accompany Brian for the service hoping to extend his shoulders of comfort in times when his brother needed it the most. The similar caring gestures that Brian had offered him in the past when he and Mandy ended up in such a terrible split. He remembered of sailing off the rough phase of his life feeling isolated from the others and if it was not for Brian who came in time, he would most probably be in memory then.
So when he saw Brian taking the same route like he did in the past, he could sense a saucing twinge of déjà vu. A reflection of his acceptance of the split with Mandy seemed to come alive when Brian adopted new acquaintances such as denial and self-blaming. Devastation was the right word to use to describe his life back then. The breakup had totally drained his brother out and Nick could see it from his eyes. The drastic changes in Brian came as a huge slap to them. Nothing they said or did could bring senses back to his head and how often their words of advices and encouragement were regarded as expressions against him. They admitted that they had never seen Brian in such a depressing mode before. Not even Nick.
The young Carter remembered how Brian usually shunned himself away from them after each concert and tour to rush back to his hotel room to cry. Unlike the old Brian who loved to entertain the media with his wide smiles and jovial self, the newly transformed Brian preferred entertaining his own world with tears and solitude. It was not easy to gain Brian’s trust but none of them gave up. Not even a sign of it was shown on their faces and actions, as they believed that one day their Brian would be coming home. And he did. In fact, it was the wedding that came as a wake-up call for him.
The wedding?
Brian stopped walking and looked up at the sacred building in front of him.
A glimpse of the building flickered an instant familiarity. From afar it looked almost diminishing, ideal to be preserved as one of those historical buildings but behind its worn out appearance stood a sturdy walls of reminisces.
It seemed like only yesterday time witnessed the sensation sparked between the two perfect strangers. How love at first sight ignited a burning passion of yearning to know her more than merely a simple introduction. How he felt a sense of belonging each time his blue eyes gazed into hers. How his nerves system tended to work extra mile everytime she flashed her megawatt smiles, transmitting one kind of electrifying sting flowing through his veins. Initially he was not even sure if it was love but whenever she lingered around at the set, he could practically see himself being swept away by huge waves of desires. While others were suggesting it to be an infatuation, but he knew what he felt was more than it. It was something that was too complex to be comprehended with words.
Everything started off smoothly.
Their first date was the sweetest and he wanted that to remain in his frame of mind no matter what she has done to him. Subsequent dates were just as great and that went on for two years. Two years they watered their love bud based on trust and simplicity. Being a simple man at heart since young, Brian was grateful and thankful to have Backstreet Boys as part of his life, to be able to achieve stardom with his brothers and particularly for the presence of his dream woman. A dream that was too good to have a happily ever after ending.
If he had the power to rewrite the plot in destiny, then he would have erased that splitting clause that had led to so much of unhappiness to him and everyone around him. If he could twist the written fate, then life would have been much kinder to him. It would have probably presenting different version of finale in their lives.
He should be the one waiting anxiously for her arrival on the platform with his brothers as bestmen. He should be the one to put on that diamond ring on her finger and he should be the one exchanging vows with her. She in turn, should be planting those soft kisses on his lips and not another man. Instead of swaying to the romantic music in the arms of another man, they should be the couple to dance all night long in that huge ballroom as others watched them in great envy because he had in his arms was the world’s beautiful woman. His beautiful angel. How she would blush away as he whispered his metaphors of love in her ears. How her sexy scent put him under her charm and together they boarded the love cruise all night long.
What a lovely it would be if only the illustration of his dream could come true. A picture that was left shattered on the floor even before any artist was given a chance to draw it out on their sketching paper as a portrait of love.
That was four years ago and that picture never seemed to fade away.
Deepest Condolences to the Family and Friends of Leighanne Reena Wallace Lukas
Brian sighed.
His warmth and weary eyes so soon flooded with tears upon reading the consolation note hanging on the bouquet of white lilies next to the entrance. Slowly he placed his right palm on his chest trying to absorb as much self-control as possible. His head was spinning and throbbing hard. The impact was twice or maybe more compared to the last time he had and it was unbearable.
He was shaking and his breathing became heavier. Just as he thought he was about to see stars above his head, he felt a firm grip on his shoulders pulling him back from entering the limbo world.
“Dude, are you okay?” Nick asked.
Brian turned to his little brother, speechless.
Afterall, what was there left to say when everything was so crystal clear and obvious right before them, he thought. He wished he had the ability to lie by saying he was perfectly fine and that the whole thing did not cast any effect on him but his moist eyes gave it away. He was helpless.
“She’s gone Nick… she really leaves me this time round, isn’t she?” Brian said in a mixed of whispering and sobbing mannered as he rubbed both his eyes using the back of his palm as he strutted his way in.
Nick felt just as weak to say anything. Not even a word of consolation from him could compensate that moment. Not even a brotherly hug could relive his brother from his agony. Not even a sympathy note could match the loss that Brian had to deal with. Nick acknowledged the fact that he was not close to Leigh except for occasional “hi”, “hello” and “see ya around” kind of greetings, other than that she was a complete stranger to him. Yes, he was happy to see the exhilaration on Brian’s face during his two years of relationship with Leigh but perhaps it was the way she ended it surpassed her good qualities. How she betrayed Brian’s trust and left him hanging on a breakable thread angered him more than it did on Brian.
“Forget it bro, I’m just happy that she married a better man.”
Better man? This time it was Nick who shook his head in protest. He remembered Brian telling him that on her wedding night and he truly admired Brian for his forbearing virtues. The one benevolence that was always being mistaken for weakness by some and when that happened he wished he could stand up for his brother. He wished he could protect Brian the way he was protected.
Again, Nick shook his head in trying to erase off his anger. No point venting it out, afterall Leigh was already dead. The nasty accident that robbed her off her life took place two nights before and Brian got the news from one of her cousins. It was believed that they were on their way back home from a party when Jim lost control of the car and darted straight to the opposite direction where an upcoming vehicle crashed into theirs. Jim Lukas, her husband died instantly on the scene while Leigh died a few hours later.
Brian was standing next to one of the coffins as he hung his head low to show his last respect before he turned to the other one. Nick thought of approaching Brian but later decided to just watch him from a distance so as to give his brother some space to bid his final farewell to Leigh. There were some who nodded their heads as a way of acknowledging his presence among the guests who attended the burial service. It was then he saw her looking at him.
The figure looked distinctively familiar even from afar. Her features, blonde hair particularly her striking blue eyes made him smiled.
“Hey baby… I can’t believe I’m here again… and today, I just feel that… its just for the wrong reason, don’t you think so? The last time I’m here, you left me and now you’re leaving me again. Why is Fate… why is Fate being so cruel to us, not enough that it snatched you away from me and married you off to Jim and now it snatched you away from my world too? Remember… when I told you how happy I am to see you happy with Jim and your family, I really mean it. I’m just so happy that you’ve made the right choice and to see that smiles on your face on those covers is enough to make me realize that being happy doesn’t mean that you have to go through it with me. Nick told me that if I really love you then I should learn to let you go and move on… but it was not easy. I never regretted for whatever that happened between us but… the only thing that I regretted the most was that… I didn’t get a chance to end it or even to kiss you goodbye. Now that you’re gone… you tell me how am I supposed to live this life? What other reason is there left for me now?”
Brian asked deep within himself as tears continued to wet his cheeks.
“Brian?” A soft penetrated through his sob as he wiped off the tears away from his eyes.
He turned and saw a young lady smiling at him. He knew her and he knew he had seen her before.
“Anna?”
“Yes. We need to talk.”
“Talk?”
“Please? Its very important.” Anna continued in a whispering mannered.
“Sure. What about?”
“Leigh.” Leigh? Brian creased his forehead in puzzled.
“What’s wrong with Leigh?”
“She left something for you.”
“What?”
“I know this sounds pretty crazy but… before I say anything more and confuse you more, hope this helps.” She handed over a note to Brian and he took it without much persistence from her.
Brian,
Actually I’m not sure why but I just feel the need to write this note to you right now. Maybe because of all those awful things that I’ve done to you that keeps giving me nightmares. Or maybe because I should have done something that I should be doing long time ago. I know we should have met and settled everything, at least to end it on a good note but I guess I was just being too naïve and too blinded with material stuff that I hurt you very much for my own needs.
I’m sorry Brian. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for not apologizing earlier on and I’m sorry for keeping this secret from you. I thought of talking to you the other day when I saw you at the red carpet and you have no idea how happy I was. You did not change a bit except that you refused to look at me and I guess you’re still mad at me. For all the things that I’ve done, you have all the rights to be angry with me or to even hate me but I hope that you won’t vent it out on our little girl.
What? I can already foresee that expression on your face. Yes Brian, Billie is our little girl. She is the proof of our love. I conceived her a few weeks before I got to know Jim and decided to marry him because of his stability in career. I thought his financial could give me love but I was wrong. No matter how hard I tried to love him, my heart was still in love with you. Even you can do the calculation Brian and each time I looked at her, she reminded me so much of you. Her eyes, her nose and even her natural curly hair are well inherited from you. Of course Jim knew about this but he refused to accept the fact that she was not his and thus we made a pact to keep it secret and confidential. Not even my family members knew about this.
The past few days I keep having a hunch that something bad is going to happen to me and if that is true then my little girl will be alone. Yes, I’ve talked to Jim about her but he said nothing. He only said that Billie is his daughter only because he married me but he’ll never be able to accept her as his own especially knowing that she is yours. So Brian, as her biological father now its up to you to do what you deem is fit. Whether you want to accept her and take her in with you or simply put her up on a foster home but whatever you do, please make sure that my little girl is well taken care of. That our little girl is in good hands.
I love you Brian and thank you for everything.
- Leigh
The note was folded back into its original size before he slipped it into his pocket. His body began to shiver more and his hands were trembling as confusion was clearly shone on his face. Leigh’s last wish shocked him. He was on the verge of trying to get the idea stuck inside his head that she had left him and the world for good, then came a shocking news that was too much for him to grasp.
Yes, he did remember the night they made love to each other. The one night that attested to their promises and undertaking to be true to each other for the rest of their lives. It was the night where he found heaven in her hugs and tender kisses.
“Brian?”
“When did she give you this note?”
“Last week in a family gathering. She pulled me aside and told me to hand this over to you in case of anything happen to her. I thought she was just kidding, you know her… sometimes she likes to imagining things and play such stupid jokes.” Anna’s attempt to lighten up Brian did not seem to work, as he did not look amused at all.
“So you know what’s the content of this letter then?”
“No… but she has told me about it.”
“That?”
“That Billie is… Billie is your daughter.” Daughter? Brian chuckled for the first time on that day. Not sure whether he was supposed to be amused with his new title of being a “dad” or the fact that he had a four-year old daughter. His own flesh and blood.
“Where is she?”
“Who?”
“My daughter.”
“There.” Anna pointed to the small figure standing at the other end of the room.
She looked so innocent, so pure. The way she held on to her teddy bear, talking to it and was so oblivious to the mourning, crying and wailing from some of the relatives. She looked so calm, and in a way he agreed that she looked so much like him.
He was about to get to her when Anna pulled his arms back.
“Brian wait! Do you know what you’re doing? Are you sure you want to do this?”
“What do you mean?”
“Leigh told me not to put you in any difficult position and that if… you’re uncomfortable and not prepared to take Billie as your daughter, I’ll take her in because Leigh doesn’t trust the Lukas family to take care of her or even her own parents.”
“No Anna… now that I know the truth, Billie is my daughter and she is my responsibility now. As her father, its my job to take care of her. Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing and I’ll do my best to protect my little girl.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, I’m very sure about it.”
“Sorry if I should sound anti-climax to your new responsibility, but have you thought about your career? What this new responsibility will get you into?”
Brian paused. To acknowledge Billie was one thing, to live and taking care of her was another challenge that he had to think about because so far, he has had never taking care of small kid before, apart from Nick Carter as his baby brother of course. Now that Anna had mentioned about his career, that was definitely another major challenge for him.
What would the acceptance from the others be like? Would the Backstreet Boys be able to take on the news calmly? Would they be able to accept the changes that now his priority had changed? What about the fans? Would they be able to accept Brian Littrell with a daughter? What kind of impression would that leave on them? Then what about his little girl? Would she be able to cope with her new life, a life of being a daughter of an artist?
“I don’t know but as far as I’m concern, my little girl comes first now.”
Anna nodded her head as a way of giving him her support. She knew it was a tough decision to make. If she was in his shoes, she would have fainted by then but to know that Brian was more than willing to forgo everything he had for his daughter was sufficient to ease her mind because like her cousin, she too believed that Brian was the best person to nurture the beautiful little girl into a person with beautiful heart. Just like him.
Brian stood up and walked towards the little girl. As he approached her, instead of running away or hiding behind someone she knew, his little girl stayed put and looked at him as if she recognized the face. The way she bit her upper lip in looking at him reminded him so much of her mother, Leigh and that brought another foundation of turmoil inside his stomach.
“Hello there.” He greeted softly, trying hard not to scare her off.
“Hello.”
“What’s your name?”
“Billie.”
“Hi Billie… I’m Brian… I’m… I’m… I’m your mom’s friend. I’m here to take you home with me.”
“Where’s mommy?”
“Mommy is right there.”
“Why is mommy sleeping?”
“Because… because mommy is going to heaven.”
“Can I follow her?” Not now sweetheart, not now.
“No, not now sweetie… but you will follow me home.”
“Can Baylee come along too?”
“Baylee?” Brian asked and she showed her teddy bear. “Oh! Of course! Of course Baylee can come along too!”
“Can I see mommy?”
“Sure… sure… come, I’ll take you to mommy.” Brian tentatively stretched out his hands to her and she took it openly. He held her up on his arms and when she wrapped her hands around his heck, he could already feel the fatherhood growing in him. So, Fate had answered his question and made Billie as the reason for him to live on, he thought.
After Billie planted kisses on Leigh’s cheeks and had her goodbye, Brian took her in his arms and walked towards Nick who was waiting for him to come over.
“Nick… I want you to meet Billie.” Like any other father, Brian introduced his little girl proudly.
“Hey Billie!” Nick greeted and flashed a smile at the babydoll looked alike in Brian’s arms. She smiled nervously at him and creased her forehead as if she had seen that stranger before.
“Sorry to disturb you guys but Billie, your grandma is looking for you.” Brian slowly put the girl down as she jogged lightly towards Anna. “I’ll bring her back to you shortly with all her stuff.” Assured Anna.
“Sure.” Brian nodded his head and watched as they walked away.
“Wait a minute… bring her back to you with all her stuff? Did I miss anything?” Nick asked.
“Nick… you know what?” Brian asked with a smile and for the first time, Nick saw something strange about that smile. It was glowing with new hopes.
“What?” Nick asked in great anxiety.
“Billie… she’s my little girl. She’s my daughter Nick… can you believe that? I have a daughter!”
“I see… WHAT?”
--------------------------
*this is the original pic
