The things we did, the things we said
Keeps coming back to me and makes me smile again
You showed me how, to face the truth
Everything that’s good in me I owe to you…
My fingers ached, stuck over black and white keys but I couldn’t reach it, nothing came out. I was encased by nothingness, slowly but surely closing in on me. I glanced up at the clock as blackness continued to pour out from the corners of the room, threatening to consume me whole. I looked down at the blank paper before me, mocking me, daring me to write something, anything that would count.
I swung blindly at the darkness, but it wouldn’t go away, so I decided to give it what it wanted. I brushed my hands out in front of me, pushing the papers off the piano. I watched as the papers fell to the ground, ever so slowly, gliding on the wind, dancing back and forth until it finally reached the blackness that was now pooled around my feet.
I wouldn’t give in that easily; I’d give whatever it wanted, but I wasn’t going to let it have me. I knocked the intimidating clock off the wall, watching it as it hit the ground and the glass face of the clock shattered into a million pieces. On each tiny shard of glass that littered the ground was a word, just a simple word. I dropped to my knees, scooping up whatever I could. I sighed as I felt the jagged, clear fragments bite harshly into the delicate skin of my palms.
Though the distance that’s between us
Now may seem to be too far
It’ll never separate us
Deep inside, I know you are…
I looked down into my cupped hands, the glass glittering like jewels. Wordlessly, I let the remains fall from the cracks of my hand, watching as the ruby painted crystals disappear from my palms and rain back to the ground. I continued to stare at my hands, a crimson river raging out, trickling down my arms. I reached out and salvaged what I could from the pool of blackness that now surrounded me.
I grabbed a piece of paper that was drifting along the black current and picked up the red shards of glass that still had the words on them. I stood up and placed the paper down on the piano while I rose my other hand and began to sprinkle the worded pieces of glass over the paper. When I looked down I seen nothing but a jumbled mess, words entangled with one another.
I slammed my bloodstained hands down upon the paper, wondering why nothing came to be. I gasped when I felt a cold wetness reach my knees; the black sea was rising. I looked up and seen nothing but eyes trained on me. I looked around and noticed that I was now encased in a clear room, the walls, ceiling and floor made completely of plexiglas. I glanced back out my audience, they were all watching me in anticipation, waiting to see what my next move would be.
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way…
I looked down at my bloody hands and the work before me, there was nothing. Tears sprung to my eyes as I felt the black sea steadily rise, now reaching my waist. My audience began to grin, this was what they were waiting for, they were waiting to watch me break down. I entangled my dark red fingers through my hair, wanting to just drop down and drown in the black waters that was now at my torso. Salty liquid began leaking from my eyes, and the more I cried the more everyone laughed.
I let my hands fall to the black waters, feeling for once how cold yet inviting it was. I hoped my audience, the world, enjoyed the show because now it was time for me to draw the curtains close on my final act. For once, I hear voices, clouding my mind and causing me to look up. Brian was at the wall, pounding on it with his fists, screaming at me, telling me not to give up. Nick appeared next to him, joining him with pounding on the clear wall, telling me not to do it. Not long after both Howie and AJ were fighting through the crowd, finally pulling through to the front and standing next to Brian and Nick.
Even though for now we got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life…
I know how much they depend on me, but I just couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t hold on for their sake. I rose my hands up out of the water, watching it as it cascaded down my arms. I stretched my arms out to the side of me, seeing the black and red mix for the first time, not long after though the black dominated my red blood and slowly crept into my wounds, crawling through my veins.
I’m growing weak by the second, everything felt so heavy and such a burden. The water was now at my chin, and I was just about ready to give into the darkness that was out to get me, but I wanted to make sure that I gave a good, last look at everyone, but what I saw caused me to gasp. In between Brian and AJ stood my mother, calling out to me, reaching out to me. Her hand was right there, right within my reach, but I just couldn’t bring myself to raise my arm up out of the water and take her hand.
I walk alone these empty streets
And there is not a second you’re not here with me
The love you gave, the grace you’ve shown
Will always be my strength and be my cornerstone…
Tears continued to rage down my face, guilt suddenly plaguing my heart. After all the silence and nothingness, I finally found my voice to speak. “I’m sorry mom…” was all that came out before I was finally sucked into the black sea. I could hear their screams, telling me to come back, not to give up, but as I continued to sink down, their voices became nothing but distant echoes that were quickly fading away within this new black world.
They say it takes a few seconds for a person to drown, a few minutes for the water to invade everything within you, a few moments for your heart and mind to surrender to this new invasion. I felt myself gasping, choking on the menacing water that was trying to force it’s way down my throat. Though I felt the water begin to fill my insides, my mind was still functioning, and it began to wander back to the five faces I saw last. My heart began to ache, knowing that I’ve let my four brothers down, especially my mother was something I couldn’t bare with.
Somehow you found a way
To see the best I have in me
As long as time goes on
I swear to you that you will be…
They say right before you see that light in the sky, your life flashes before your very eyes, and I can’t tell you how true that is. My eyes began to drift close and scenes of my life began playing, but instead of playing from the beginning, it started from the end and played backwards. My lips curved up in a small smile as scenes of me and my four younger brothers came to mind, everything we did together and how we’ve changed each other’s lives. Now it was playing the scene of my wedding day, the day where I took Kristin’s hands in marriage and we both said “I do”. The scene was now my mother and two brothers, before I was introduced to fame, when our family and lives were normal. The last scene ironically was of me and my father, everything we did together before God decided to call him home.
Another scene, and what I assume to be the last scene came to mind. It seemed so real, he and I were just walking, holding hands and enjoying everything around us. All of a sudden he started running, breaking his grasp from my hand and leaving me behind. “C’mon Kevin…” he called out to me like I was still his little boy.
I was compelled to follow him, so I started running after him, not wanting to lose him again, not wanting to lose him ever. The scene broke away for a while, bringing me back to the realization that I was still in the black sea, the only difference was that I was now fighting whatever was trying to pull me under, I was slowly but surely swimming towards the top, nearing the surface where the light was so bright.
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way…
My eyes drifted close again and I was greeted by the scene that was playing from before, of my father running and me following not far behind, wanting to catch up and hold his hand once again.
Even though for now we got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life…
As I continued to chase him, I noticed he was running faster and faster, drifting further and further away from me. I was suddenly growing tired, wanting to give up but I didn’t want to let him go.
“C’mon Kevin…” he called out to me again. “Don’t give up my boy.”
I looked up at him once again, seeing that he stopped running and was now facing me, a warm smile graced his face. I smiled as well, pushing myself to keep running, to catch up with him. He didn’t turn to continue running, he just stood there, calling to me with his arms wide open.
“Don’t give up son, never give up.” he encouraged, leaving his arms wide open for me to run into. “You’re almost there.”
I smiled as I felt the warmth of the light that shone brightly behind him, I was almost there.
Never gone from me
If there’s one thing I believe
I will you somewhere down the road again…
I felt like a little child all over again, finally being able to see my father again, after all these years of not being able to see him, after all these years of him being gone.
“C’mon baby…” he whispered, and that’s when I realized that’s where I coined that phrase from, my father.
I opened my eyes again, seeing that the surface was right there and the hands reaching out to me were just within my reach.
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way…
What seemed like forever finally came to an end as I found myself standing right in front of my father. A man I hadn’t seen in years was finally standing right before me with open arms, and the only thing I could do at that moment was fall into his embrace.
“Daddy.” I choked out, sounding like the little kid I was before whenever I ran to him. “I’ve missed you so much…” I said as I felt hot tears trickling down my cheeks.
I looked up at him and seen him smiling down at me. “I’ve always been here baby…”
Even though for now we got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life…
It felt so good to be in his embrace again, to feel his arms wrap around me and protect me from the rest of the world who was mocking and laughing at me earlier. “Why’d you have to leave us daddy?” I asked him, hating the fact that I was now crying freely and uncontrollably. “I don’t want you to go again, don’t leave me please…”
Although I was a grown man, I was still a child, his child within his eyes. He bent down in front of me, his hands grasping my shoulders. “I’m not going anywhere Kevin, I’ll always be right here…” he said as he pointed at my heart. “I’ve always been here, and that’s where I’ll always be.”
I opened my eyes once more to find the hands of my brothers and mother grasping on tightly to mines, pulling me up. There was so much I wanted to say to my dad, I wasn’t ready to go back up yet.
“Are you proud of me daddy?!” I quickly asked.
“I’ve always been proud of you… proud of the fact that I can call you my son.”
I could feel them pulling me up now, and I was drifting away from my father, who just stood there smiling at me. I broke away for a moment, running back over towards my father and grabbing him in tightest hug I could muster. “When will I see you again?”
“I was never gone baby… I’ll always be right there,” he placed his hand over my heart. “always and forever.”
I hugged him tighter, “I love you daddy…” I whispered.
“I love you Kevin.”
I felt them pulling me again, and this time I didn’t fight back.
~*~*~*~*~*~
“Kevin… Kevin!!”
My eyes snapped open, I found myself sitting in the studio, in front of the piano with blank music sheets in front of me.
I glanced beside me and seen my cousin standing beside me, a concerned look on his face. “You okay.”
I continued to stare at him, glancing around the room to make sure I was actually back in reality. When I realized that I was, I glanced back at him and nodded my head, “Yeah.”
All of a sudden Howie, AJ and Nick walked into the room, staring at me in puzzlement. “Is everything okay?” Howie asked.
I looked over at the four of them, my four younger brothers. I gave them the warmest, biggest smile I could muster. “Yes… everything will be now.” As I continued to stare at them, then and only then did it hit me how they’ve always been there for me and how much I love them for that. “Thank you.” I whispered.
I looked back at the music sheets that were in front of me, and for some reason it was no longer blank; it had words to a song written on it. I grabbed the sheet, wondering how that was possible, but I began to smile, there was no reason to wonder.
“You guys wanna hear the song I wrote?” I asked them.
“Yeah.” came their replies. “What’s it called?” AJ asked.
I glanced back at them before positioning myself in front of the piano and getting ready to play it, for some reason, the words and the melody just came naturally to me even though it was brand new lyrics I had set my eyes upon.
“Never Gone…”
“Never Gone.” I heard Brian repeat. I looked back at him and he had this smile on his face. Without saying anything to him, I knew he already understood the song and how it all came to be.
“What inspired that?” Nick questioned me.
I closed my eyes, positioning my fingers over the black and white keys of the piano. I could feel this warmth bubbling deep within me, and I could see my father, smiling down at me.
“My dad.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is my first stab at a "dramatic", maybe even "tear-jerker" story.
They say people don't realize what they have until it's gone. This phrase remains true, especially when it comes to your loved ones. Whatever trials and tribulations you face in life, realize that you aren't facing them alone, your loved ones (family, friends, etc.) will always be there to help you through.
They say people don't realize what they have until it's gone. This phrase remains true, especially when it comes to your loved ones. Whatever trials and tribulations you face in life, realize that you aren't facing them alone, your loved ones (family, friends, etc.) will always be there to help you through.
