Empire of Dirt
Chapter 1
I looked up to the sky that was usually bright, clear and blue but today it looked as if it was nothing more than one big cloud of dust. I stood there, dressed in my best suit and tie, waiting for the hearse to arrive. Rain poured out of the sky, and it didn't affect me one bit. I would stand in the rain for hours if I could. My body and my soul were now as hard as steel, nothing could touch me. I had been chewed and spit out so many times in the past, and now I was just bitter.
I had expected to cry more; maybe I just had no tears left inside of me. I felt wrong for not having at least one solemn tear falling from my eye but right now I felt frozen. I was frozen in time, trapped in this world of emptiness with nowhere to go, and God only knows how I was standing on my two feet right now. If it was up to my heart, I would've collapsed long ago.
It was not such a long time ago, that I stood hand in hand with Elle in the exact same spot, trying to comfort her as we entered her mother's viewing. It was hard enough on me, but I knew I had to be strong for her, and show her that her daddy was unbreakable. But her daddy wasn't strong enough for this. I wasn't made of rocks, God damn it.
Dear Lord, my heart couldn't handle much more. It was pounding so hard that I felt it was going to burst through my chest into a million tiny shreds and pieces.
"Aje," I heard a faint whisper.
I didn't bother to answer, just opened my eyes and saw Brian's face. My throat was no longer working; my vocal chords were struck, so I just looked at him, expecting him to somehow read my mind.
"Are you ready for this?" he couldn't even offer me a half-hearted smile, or anything, he just held out his hand for me to grab.
How I ended up lying on the ground outside of a funeral home, I have no idea. Last I remembered, I had been standing, waiting for the hearse to arrive.
I gulped, and nodded. Although I wanted to scream, 'No, I'm not fucking ready for this! I'll never be ready for this!' But I resisted, and thanked God for Brian's helping hand because I couldn't have gotten off of the ground without him.
I began walking in, grasping onto Brian's arm for dear life, hoping he was able to withstand my weight and hold me up. I sure as hell couldn't hold myself up.
Fuck, I can't do this. I can't breathe. I think my lungs collapsed. Was that my heart that just dropped down to my knees? Or was that just my knees caving in?
"AJ, do you want to go back outside?"
I just shook my head, "Brian... I-I-... I need you. Just you." That was all I could spit out.
"You don't want anyone else to come in?" he asked, reassuring himself that he had heard correctly.
I shook my head once again and he nodded in return. He led me into the building, where I quickly saw an open casket placed in the corner of the room.
There she was. Lying there so peacefully, her fragile arms laying at her side and her soft lips nearly curved in a smile, showing what pure happiness that child carried inside of her.
Oh, my beautiful baby. Oh, no! It couldn't be. That's not my baby lying in that casket.
"Noooooooo!" I wailed, but still no tears.
I leaned up against the beautiful little casket, with my beautiful child lying inside of it. Oh, god. I rubbed her sweet, tiny, innocent face. She was so cold. Too cold.
Then, out of nowhere, my eyes welled up and a waterfall of unused and washed up tears, came colliding down my face as I uncontrollably fell onto Brian; I was sobbing like a little child. I had, for the first time in my life, lost all control.
"Oh, Brian, what the fuck am I going to do?" I cried out, laying my head onto his shoulder just letting the tears pour out, "Jesus Christ, I have nobody! My wife's dead and now my precious daughter. How could this happen to me? Oh dear God, how could this happen to me?"
Brian was speechless. The man who always knew the right words to say to comfort you was speechless. There was no explanation for this. Nothing anybody could say.
"I'm sorry, baby," I kissed Elle's cold forehead, letting my tears fall onto her like rain, "Oh, God, Daddy's so sorry. I wasn't there. Daddy's so sorry, I miss you so much, sweetie. Daddy will never be the same... I miss you. I'm trying to be strong. I really am. I can't be anymore."
I traced her gentle lips with my fingertips, and then leaned over to give my daughter our last kiss. Her little lips, her tiny ears, and her fragile hands... I took in every little detail about her. I had already had all of her features imbedded in my brain, but now I took a really good look at her. She truly was beautiful. How did I end up with such a beauty? She was an angel here on earth, and now I suppose she is one in Heaven.
"Did you need her THAT bad?" I shouted with all of my might, pounding my fist onto the ground, "Come on, now! I needed her, damnit! I needed her here on earth! Fuck you! Fuck everyone!"
Brian grabbed onto me before I fell onto the ground once more and gripped me in his arms tighter than I've ever been held, "Shhhhhh."
Tears continued to pour and I screamed, "Brian, what about Deb? What about my grandparents? How could they allow this to happen?! They KNOW that I needed her!"
"I know, I know," he comforted me.
"It's one thing to bury my grandma, I could fucking handle that! You know what, I had even been getting by okay with Deb, you know why?! Because I had her!" I pointed to Elle's lifeless body, "A parent should not have to bury their child!"
Brian just shook his head, continuing to hang on to me. I think he was afraid I could collapse at any moment; I felt like I would.
"No. No, a parent is not supposed to bury their child."
"She was only 5!" I managed to cry out, in between all my tears.
I saw people begin to slowly walk in to the room, unsure of what to do or say, and unsure of how to act. I wasn't sure how much they had seen of my little episode that had just occurred and honestly, I didn't really give a shit. I didn't care about anything or anyone anymore.
I was thankful that there were people here to show their respects, but that's my daughter! I wanted to sit here and stare at her pretty face all day; I never wanted to leave her side. Because then that would be it; it would be the last time to see her... forever.
I spotted my mother in the corner of the room and once we made eye contact that was it. Both of our eyes began to swell with teardrops and I couldn’t stand to see my mom cry. She nearly tripped over her own steps while attempting to walk over to me. I met her halfway and fell into her arms.
“Mommy...” was all I could spit out.
It was the first time in years I had called my mother ‘mommy.’
“Oh, my baby!” she gripped me tightly and I hoped that she would never let go.
“Mom, this isn’t right… this isn’t fair,” I cried, and she simply nodded and stroked my hair.
“No, it’s not.”
We released from each other and her cheeks were damp with tears.
I made my way back to the casket; I couldn’t get enough of seeing my beautiful girl. I just could not believe it was her just lying there so peaceful and so… dead.
I felt a firm grip that had been placed on my shoulder and a strong voice that whispered, "I'm so sorry."
I didn't want to turn around. I couldn't look at his face. I knew that voice, and that grip, far too well. I couldn't face the man who had once been so strong, who had been such an enormous step in getting my life back together, and now that it was falling apart... there was nothing he, or anyone, could do.
But I did it. I turned around. I faced him and witnessed the tears gliding slowly down his cheeks and just fell onto him, releasing from Brian's grip. How could any more tears possibly fall from my eyes? But they did.
"Kevin, oh man, she's gone, Kev. She's really gone."
He tried to prevent making eye contact with me, I'm assuming for fear that he would be no help to me right now in his state of mind. All he could do was wrap his arms around me, and grasp on as tightly as he could.
"She's gone, Aje. She is," he just shook his head, trying to convince himself as well of the reality of Elle's death, almost as shocked as I.
I peeked out of the corner of my eye to see my precious baby once again, and some couple whom I probably knew but couldn't think straight at the moment, kneeling against her casket saying a prayer.
To me, it seemed like the world had stopped moving, as if the atmosphere had slowly vanished, sucking the air out of my lungs as each second passed. I felt like I was completely alone, despite the mass of people that had entered the funeral home within the last ten minutes.
It reeked of flowers in here. I hated the smell of flowers, after every funeral I had ever attended that fuckin' smell had always stayed in my nostrils for weeks. All flowers did was depress me and remind me of tragedies that shouldn't have happened. Events in my life that I wish I could simply erase.
I could feel a migraine coming, and I was actually relieved. At least I was feeling something, it was better than feeling nothing at all. And if I had a brain tumor, oh well. Just fuckin' shoot me now and get it over with.
"We're gonna get you through this," I heard Kevin's voice say, much more calm than he had been five minutes before. Or was that ten minutes ago?
I wanted to tell him to fuck off, and end me out of this misery right now. The pain was still too fresh; it was too fragile to mess with. Debbie had died on a cold November night, and the pain of losing my wife - the mother of my child, still stung so deeply nearly a year later. But nothing, nothing in a million years, could ever compare to this. My life was dedicated to that girl, was solely and fully dedicated to her. I had no responsibility anymore - to anyone or anything.
And that was the worst feeling in the world.
"No. Nothing's gonna get me through this," I replied to Kevin and just shook my head, "Nothin'."
I swept my gaze over to the open casket one last time, before shedding one last tear and one last look at my beautiful child.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This story is very personal to me, because during the writing process I was (and still am) going through my own personal tradegy. My almost 6 year old brother drowned a year ago at a country club. Many of the emotions in this story are indescribeable and tough to describe in words, and alot of times it's difficult but at the same time it's almost therapuetic for me to write. So I hope you all enjoy. It IS sort of a 'depressing' novel, but it lets you look into one man's emotional and physical pain and being completely drained of life.
