I looked over at the pile of mail on the kitchen counter that was building up higher every day. I took a seat on the bar stool and stared at for a moment, debating on whether or not to even attempt to look through any of it. I sighed out loud and saw Kevin walk into the kitchen, yawning and stretching his arms.
“Good mornin’,” he said through a yawn, and I could hear his southern Kentucky drawl come out in him.
I just nodded, “Morning.”
“Coffee?” he began rummaging through my cabinets searching for a pot of Folgers.
“Second cabinet to your left,” I figured I’d spare him the ten minute search.
“Thanks.”
“Where did Brian go?”
“He has Baylee tonight.”
While the coffee dripped in the pot, Kevin walked over and stood across from me on the other side of the counter, “You look through any of that yet?”
“What?” I looked up, confused as to what he was talking about.
“The mail,” he pointed to the stack of envelopes in front of me.
“Oh. Nope,” I slightly laughed, “It may take me a while. I’m putting it off.”
“Gotcha.”
“Most of it is probably bills anyways. I’ll just send them off to my advisor, Sharon, tomorrow.”
He went back over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup.
“You want some?”
I shrugged, “Sure.”
He reached above his head and grabbed another mug, and than continued to add cream and sugar into it. He carefully set it down next to me, and the steam continued to rise from the cup.
“Thanks.”
I picked up the first piece of mail, and it read Resurrection Cemetery right on the front of it. I sighed yet again, and quickly threw it aside. I definitely didn’t want to read that right now. I was probably just late on a payment again for Deb’s spot… and Elle’s, I quickly reminded myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the money. I just haven’t been thinking about it.
I grabbed the next envelope and it had “Elle McLean” on the front. I quickly peeled open the envelope which contained 2 thick sheets of paper.
Name: Elle McLean
Cause of Death: Drowning
It was an autopsy report. I couldn’t bear to read the rest.
“What’s that?” Kevin pointed, and took it upon himself to grab it. He scanned over it, and suddenly sadness washed over his eyes.
“Don’t read that now…,” he told me, “Don’t even worry about any of this, alright? I’ll take care of it for you.”
I sighed, “Thanks.”
I continued sipping the steaming drink and the caffeine already seemed to be taking effect, which was a good sign.
“You know, I need to reserve a spot for myself... you know, a grave site.”
Kevin showed a look of worry but I quickly jumped to say, “I don't mean that I'm gonna die soon. I just want to make sure that when I do, I'm next to my family.”
“Yeah, I understand,” Kevin nodded, “Just don't even want to think about that right now. But we'll take care of it.”
The sound of the alarm system in the house beeped, as I heard the swing of the front door open.
“Helloooo!” the echoed voice sounded through the front foyer. I immediately recognized it as Brian’s, so Kevin and I left the kitchen to go greet him.
The tile floor was freezing beneath my bare feet as I made my way to the foyer.
“Hey!” I shouted back, and was greeted by a crazy little boy who jumped into my arms with all of his strength.
“Hey, BayBay!” I squeezed him back and gave him a big kiss on the top of his head.
“What’s up, Uncle AJ?!” he asked, obviously excited to be over here.
I let him slip out of my arms and back onto his own feet. I ruffled his curly blond locks, before greeting his father.
“How have you been?” Brian asked and gave me a quick hug.
I shrugged, “So-so.”
“What, did you forget about your Uncle Kevin?” Kevin came walking in behind me, holding out his arms for Baylee to jump into.
“No, dumbie! I still remember you!” Baylee laughed, and gave Kevin his hug.
Brian shook his head but had to smile at his smitten son, “You’re crazy, boy. You missed your uncles, huh?”
“Duh!”
“What’s all this ‘dumbie’ and ‘duh’ talk?” I asked him.
“He’s turned into quite the smarty pants since entering the third grade,” Brian answered for him.
“Third grade, huh?” I had to smile, “You are getting so big.”
“I’m almost as tall as you, Uncle Aje!” he proudly stated.
“Almost. So come on in. Let’s get something to eat,” I glanced at the clock on the wall. “Is it really almost eleven o’clock? I slept late.”
Brian shut the door behind him, “Lunch time almost, Bone. I can cook something up if you want, or we can just order in.”
“Pizza, pizza, pizza!” Baylee chanted loudly, and began running through the kitchen.
“Bay, calm down, please,” Brian sternly instructed his son, and he obeyed.
“Let’s just get pizza,” I suggested.
“That works.”
“Yes!” Baylee shouted.
The house was definitely happier with a little kid around, especially one with such enthusiasm in everything. He was so full of life and it made my life so much easier to deal with for the time being. Watching him made me smile, and that was an action that didn’t take place very often anymore.
“Uncle AJ, where’s Elle?” Baylee’s young voice questioned, staring up at me with such a glimmer in his eye.
My heart sank immediately at the innocent question and I was speechless for an appropriate answer. How could you answer a question that even you didn’t truly understand?
Brian had overheard his son’s inquiry about Elle, and noticed I needed some help.
“Baylee, Elle’s in Heaven,” Brian forced a smile to his lips.
“I know that, Daddy, but where is she?”
“Well, she’s-…,” Brian started to explain before I cut him off.
“She’s in a great place, Baylee,” I held back the tears that I could feel welling up in my eyes, “She’s having a lot of fun right now. I’m sure of it. She probably has everything she could ever want in Heaven and she’s going to be looking out for you forever, so don’t ever forget her, Bay, OK?”
“I won’t, Uncle AJ,” he nodded his little head and ran over to give me a hug.
His face was stuffed into the front my shirt and I just held on to the back of his head, grasping the little boy in my arms and holding him tightly. He couldn’t see me cry. I wouldn’t allow it. I could feel Baylee about to let go of his grip when I simply held him tighter, so he wrapped his arms around me as best as his little arms could reach as the tears continued to pour from my eyes.
“I love you, little man, you know that?”
He pulled away from me and I got down to his level. We made eye contact and I saw one little tear drip from his eye, and as his little lip quivered he muttered, “I miss her all the time.”
It broke my heart to see the kid crying like this. I couldn’t imagine being eight years old and losing your little ‘cousin’ as they called each other.
I ruffled his hair yet again, and pulled him close for one last tight hug, before looking at him and saying, “I know you do, buddy. And you’re doing a great job remembering her forever. As a matter of fact, why don’t you go up in her room and play with her stuff? I’m sure she’d love that.”
He nodded, “OK, I will.”
He wiped his eyes and ran off upstairs.
“He’s been asking about her a lot lately, Leighanne had told me. He doesn’t understand that someone close to his age can die. And he loved Elle so much, you know?” Brian informed me.
I nodded, “He did love her a lot. He was like her big brother that she never had.”
I sighed loudly, then tried to get my mind off of the subject, “So, where’s that pizza?”
Kevin yelled out from the kitchen, “I ordered it ten minutes ago!”
“Sweet,” I said.
“Nice,” Brian stated.
There an awkward silence throughout the room as we all weren’t totally sure what to say, or what to do.
“Should I go check on Baylee?” I questioned.
Brian nodded, “If you want to.”
I jogged up the stairs and peeked into Elle’s room. Baylee was sitting on the floor, with his legs criss-crossed, simply staring up at the television, completely entranced in a video game.
I gave a soft knock on the wall to let him know I was here and softly spoke, “Hey bud.”
He turned his head and gave me a smile, “Hey.”
I walked in the room to sit myself down next to him on the floor and patted his back, “What are you playing?”
“Sonic Heroes,” he turned all of his focus back to the video game.
I nodded, “I remember Elle used to love playing that game…”
“Yeah, I taught her how to play it,” he replied, proudly.
“Did you?” I questioned, surprised. I really had no idea.
“Yeah. She tried to tell me it was a boy game…” Baylee grinned and I had to chuckle, imagining her now.
“Ew, boys drool!” Elle whined, on the way home from pre-school in the back seat of my truck.
I laughed, “Good. I’m glad you think that way. I hope you’re saying the same thing when you’re 30.”
“I will be! This boy Eric today… he came right over to our side of the playground and spit! Daddy, it was so gross.”
I watched her expressions in the rearview mirror. She was such a little woman and she reminded me so much of her mother right now. Although, she definitely used her hands while talking a whole lot… just like me. I tend to ramble on and obviously that gene got carried over to her. Poor thing.
“Wait a minute, so you’re telling me, that you have your OWN side of the playground?”
“Yeah!” Elle shouted.
“That doesn’t sound very nice to me…,” I gave a ‘look’ in the mirror and she saw it.
“Daddy, I’m nice! I promise!” she defended herself, “We just don’t like boys.”
I laughed yet again and turned my blinker on while turning onto our street, “Not arguing that.”
“Dad, you’re a boy, right?” she questioned.
“Uhm, yes. Most of the time, I think so,” I smiled and Elle giggled.
“Were you ever that annoying?”
The innocent questions were priceless.
“Yes and I think some would argue that I still am annoying… just ask your mother!”
“You’re not annoying, Daddy! I love you!”
“Uncle AJ?”
I snapped out of my thoughts and reminded myself that I was sitting here with Baylee, not Elle.
“Uncle Jay?!” Baylee began waving his hand in front of my face.
“Sorry, what?”
“I’m sorry if I made you cry…” Baylee apologized.
“You didn’t make me cry, Bay,” I reassured the little man.
“Then why is there a tear on your cheek?”
I quickly lifted my hand to feel my damp cheek, completely unaware that I had even began crying, let alone gotten upset.
“I was just thinking about Elle….”
“PIZZA!” a shout came from downstairs and Baylee went running off, leaving me sitting in Elle’s room by myself, in the middle of the floor utterly stunned that she’s gone. I suppose that feeling will never go away. I had to attempt to shrug it off as I lifted myself off the floor, to go downstairs and eat some pizza.
I popped up behind Baylee and jokingly stole a slice of pizza from his plate, taking a quick bite.
“Hey!” he shouted.
With my mouth full, I responded, “Yum, that’s a good pizza, boy!”
I plopped it back onto his plate and he laughed, “Gross, Uncle AJ!”
I smiled at him, “Oh, it’s just my mouth…”
“Exactly,” Brian chimed in and laughed, “That’s gross. Don’t eat that, Bay.”
“I’ll eat it, give it to me,” I told him and Baylee handed me the pizza, letting me finish off my slice.
“What else do you have planned for tonight?” I asked Brian, with a mouth full of food.
“I was going to possibly take Baylee to a movie, but I don’t know, why?”
I shrugged, “You guys can just stay here if you want. We can watch a movie down in the basement.”
The truth was, I really wanted them to stay. Right now, these guys were my entire world. I truly had nothing left and they made me feel a little better when I needed my spirits lifted.
“You want that, Baylee?” Brian turned towards his only son.
“YES!” he excitedly screamed, throwing his arms up in the air.
Brian chucked, “I guess that’s a yes.”
In the middle of the night, I awoke to the bright blue light that was shining from the television. The DVD must have ended. Everyone had passed out in the middle of the movie, including myself.
I tiredly stretched my arms out and noticed there something weighing me down on my side. I looked down and saw Baylee’s head softly resting on my shoulder and had to smile a bit. On the other couch was Brian, completely sprawled out with his hair in every direction. Kevin must’ve disappeared to the spare bedroom upstairs. That man never could sleep on couches.
Even though most of the time, it seemed that I didn’t want to live anymore… this right here, makes what’s left of me worth living.
I truly did have an amazing support system around me and regardless of all my losses’, I’ve also gained so much at the same time.
I sighed, grabbed the remote to turn off the television and let the quiet darkness pervade around me.
