Chapter 2

"Daddy, don't worry, we'll see Mommy again someday. Right, Daddy?"

I immediately sat up-right in bed, breathing heavily with beads of sweat that seemed to be glued to my back. I took a glance over at the clock, not truly caring what time it was, and it read 4:03am. My first reaction was to get up, go to Elle's room and check on her... but Elle wasn't here. She was gone, and I was all alone.

Instead of checking on her in her bedroom, in about four hours I had to arrive at the church for her fucking funeral and burial. This isn't right. This is just all... wrong.

For a few silent moments, I just laid there, drifting off into my own little world of darkness. I could hear crickets chirping loudly outside my bedroom window. For the first time in my life, I was actually sitting here listening to nature's work of art, taking in each sound.

Fuck. I felt so dead, so useless and heartless. This is the most pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I didn't think your heart could actually hurt -- but right now, all of my organs seemed to be shutting down inside of me all at once.

Every second of the day, the only image I had in my mind was Elle floating in that pool. That damn pool that I fucking let her go to. I shouldn’t have, and I still can’t believe I allowed it to happen. I didn’t trust that guy and I knew it.

I focused my eyes onto the picture of Elle and I that had been sitting on my nightstand ever since Deb died. On the top of my dresser there were two framed pictures of all three of us as a family that I hadn't had the heart to take down after Deb died, I always reminded Elle that we were still a family... and we would see Mommy again one day.

I grabbed the picture frame and squeezed it as tightly as I could, letting tears just fall from my eyes. "Oh, god, baby... I want you back so bad."

Then I swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and placed the picture back on the nightstand. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I can't cry anymore. Oh fuck, I just sighed to myself. I saw the bottle of Xanex that had been prescribed for me sitting on my dresser and I quickly grabbed the bottle. I needed something... I need to get this pit of my stomach for at least a few minutes. Maybe it will put me back to sleep. I quickly swallowed the pill and laid back down, staring at the ceiling.

"God, I miss you..."

    
"AJ," I heard my name being whispered, "AJ, buddy... you have to get up."

I squinched my eyes open. How'd it get so damn bright in here?

"Aje..."

"Yeah... I'm up," I responded dryly, not making any effort to get out of bed.

"Is there anything you need?"

Good ole' Nick, I guess. He didn't know what the hell to say.

"AJ," he looked at me, "I - I wish there was something... you know, something I could say."

"Don't worry about it," I muttered, "I wish there was, too."

Nick was already dressed to a tee, ready to go to a funeral as I laid here half naked 'cause it was so fucking hot in this room. But, I didn't care. Make the room 200 degrees and I'd be fine with that. Maybe I'd get lucky and die from heat exhaustion.

I didn't even want to go. I would stay here in bed for the next year if I could. It would be completely understandable if I didn't attend... but that would be wrong. My daughter's funeral. It doesn't sound right saying that. Not one bit.

I heard faint footsteps coming down the hallway, and I saw Brian's head peek in and whisper, "Is he up ye- Aje, your up."

"Sadly," I groaned and began to hop out of bed.

I guess it would be appropriate to take a shower, but I had no energy to do so. I stood there for just a few moments, evaluating... my life. Taking a few short moments to just ask myself why the hell I was still here.

Then, I slipped on my dress pants, threw my jacket over top of the white button-up shirt that I still had on from yesterday and had no energy left to put on my tie. I simply just let it slip from hands and fall to the floor, and completely lost it. It seemed that all my unshed tears that had been held in over years of grief just began to pour out of me. There wasn't much more that I could handle. I used both of my hands to cover my face, as if it would prevent more tears from falling.

Nick patted my back, not really knowing what to do or say. I don't think he had ever seen me in any condition as I was in right now. I was completely lifeless. My heart was cold and my soul was dead. Any passion that I had left for life had completely vanished.

When my grandmother died almost nine years ago, I had one of the hardest times of my life. I started using drugs and drinking to the point where I couldn’t stand, and ended up going to rehab. She was my second mother, and I never knew that life could go on without her. But I quickly learned that Grandma's die all the time, and she lived a long life.

Then when Deb died, I was pretty certain I was put on this Earth strictly just to be put through hell. But I would look at my beautiful baby girl -- and I knew everything would be okay. What kind of cruel God would take that child away from me? The only person I had left in this world.

"If God wanted to take somebody, why didn't he fucking take ME?!" I screamed, and Nick tried to grasp me tighter, as if he would control my temper somehow. He didn't like to see me like this.

"I love you, dude," was all Nick could spit out.

    
I held my head down as I entered the church, wanting and needing to grasp onto something. I couldn't find a hand close by, or a body. Brian was walking behind me. That was probably a good thing -- in case I collapsed. My mom was walking beside me.

I could almost immediately hear the faint whispers of sympathy coming from the crowd gathered in the church. I used to like attention, but I don't like this. I don't want anybody to know me, or know what happened to me. I don't want people's fucking sympathy wishes, as they continue to go on with their normal lives with their children and their wives.

I finally came to a stop to the front pew, catching my breath as I take a seat on the hard wood bench.

This couldn't be happening.

Brian patted my back, and then I saw it... oh, God, no. Not my beautiful baby being wheeled up in that horrid casket. She was not in there. Oh, god, no!

My weeping was loudly heard throughout the hollow, silent church. It nearly echoed and bounced off each wall as each grueling second passed.

Brian gripped my hand tightly, and I squeezed back even tighter. His eyes were now filled with as many tears as mine, with a grimace look on his face and his quivering lips were shaking uncontrollably.

The continued sound of muffled sniffles from different friends and family were constantly heard.

The priest began to speak, before allowing Kevin up on the altar to give us a eulogy, and talk of all the good things about Elle.

But it was too painful to listen. I couldn't bear it any longer. And before I knew it, I was sitting in the passenger seat of a truck, following the hearse which carried my daughter's dead body.

This graveyard was all too familiar to me. I've had to be here far too many times than any man should ever have to visit one cemetery.

I stood in the front underneath the tarp in which the rain pounded onto. I stared at her tiny coffin and it was so hard to comprehend. Flowers decorated the casket, along with her favorite stuffed dog. That couldn't be my Elle in there that was about to be buried underground... a place where she would remain forever. Until this world ends. God only hopes that would happen soon.

I traced my fingers along the smooth casket, before leaning over to kiss the top of it. I had no expression on my face, not even a tear or a frown. It was simply just... a lifeless expression. I might as well have been buried right beside her.

The priest was reading a prayer, which I paid no mind to. My brain couldn't focus on anything right now, except for my beautiful daughter that was lying inside of the now closed casket. I wanted to kiss her little face so bad, and hold her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay.

But it wasn't okay. And it never would be again.

I met Howie's gaze for a moment, but quickly turned my head. I couldn't see him with tears pouring uncontrollably from his glazed eyes... not Howie. Damnit, don't cry on me!

Amen.

What? We were done? No! I'm not leaving her. Not this soon. Not yet. I'm not leaving my baby.

I began to see everyone scattering away from the grave site, and heading back to the dry haven of their cars.

Taking my eyes off of the casket for the first time since we had arrived, I looked behind me to see the only people left were my mom, Nick, Howie, Brian and Kevin. But out of the corner of my eye, I spotted an elder man walking towards me. In the distance, he looked like my... "Dad?" I questioned out loud.

"What?" Brian questioned.

I ignored him, keeping my focus on the man walking towards the grave, with his head down and his hands stuffed in his pockets -- he didn't look happy in any way. And then he approached me, looked me in the eyes and simply said, "I'm sorry."

"Dad?" I asked, once again.

He just nodded his head, keeping his hands firmly tucked in his pockets. I saw all four of my 'brothers' just standing there watching, unsure if they should leave or stay to witness whatever was about to occur. My mom even looked dismayed about what to do, so she stayed back.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I spit out, angrily.

He simply shrugged and said, "I... I thought it was the right thing to do."

"You didn't even know Elle! You don't even fucking know me! Your own son, you asshole. Let alone your dead grand-daughter! You must feel like a fucking amazing person, Dad!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, I was boiling inside now.

He shouldn't have come! He was just getting me riled up, and fucking pissed off. I wanted to just punch him so hard right now, ask him where he had been my entire life and why he decides to show up now... to his grand-daughter's funeral, whom he had never met.

The violent raindrops that poured from the sky immediately engulfed me as I stepped out of the tent that had been shielding me from the rain, and I just focused my eyes directly into my father's.

"Where have you been?" I breathed heavily, trying to control my anger to at least let him give me an explanation.

It seemed like an eternity went by, where I just stood there letting the rain pound down on me, as I stared at my father's face which was filled with confusion and distress.

I wouldn't do it -- I wouldn't break down in front of him. I wasn't going to cry. I wouldn't let my pride get taken advantage of that easily... nope, I wouldn't do it.

And just at the moment, I looked into his eyes with my own quivering lips and buried my head into his shoulder. I let go of all the tears that should've been shed over the man that I was now holding onto for dear life. I had only let myself cry over my missing father once in my life that I remembered.

I began breathing heavily, trying to regain my composure and get a few gulps of air in between.

"It's not fair...," I cried, "Oh, God, it's not fair."

I couldn’t tell you how many times I could say that over and over again. It simply isn’t fair.

I pounded my fists on his back as hard as I could, to get my own frustrations out but also to just... hit him. I wanted to fucking kill, hit, or hurt someone and if it would be any person, it'd be him.

There was nothing he could say to me, and he didn't even shed a tear. I heard him sigh deeply, and I finally let go and wiped my eyes clear of tears.

"Aje," I saw Brian walk over to me, not wanting to break up my conversation, "They... they said we have to leave... to-"

"Bury her," I continued for him, "I know."

He just let his head fall, and nodded.

"Alex, I've wanted to get to know you...," my father finally spit out, feeling as if it was his last chance to say anything.

"Oh yeah?" I just looked at him, "Then why haven't you?"

"I fucked up as a dad, Alex. The whole world knows that! But that never means I didn't love you -- or that you weren't a part of me. I was too scared, and too stupid to try to swallow my pride and just... find you as a child. Besides,” he glanced over at my mom quickly and whispered, “your mother never made it easy on me.”

"Don't even blame things on mom!" I was infuriated that he would even bring her into this.

He just sighed, and didn't have anything else to say, "Please call me if you need anything."

I took the small sheet of paper from his hands and shoved it into my pockets, but I didn't respond, only turned around and began walking towards my car. The other four guys followed closely behind me, not even looking at my father. They had witnessed first hand the pain and anguish that this man alone had caused me over the years.

They couldn't bear to see any more shit happen to me, and they knew I couldn't handle my father walking into my life, especially now.

I opened the passenger door to Brian's Suburban and simply sighed, laying my head back against the headrest, closing my eyes and trying to subdue my anguished mind.

Twenty minutes into the calamitous drive, my eyes began to steadily close shut, and then I dazed off into my own world.