Her tiny little hands grasped onto my one finger, her skin was as soft as feathers, and she looked up at me with the most amazing bright brown eyes that I've ever seen in my life.

My daughter.

I couldn't believe I had just watched the birth of a child.  My child.  I cradled her in my arms, and sang softly to try to soothe her.  Everything that we had gone through and she was here... it was unbelievable.  I held a new life in my arms -- a life that I took part in creating, and now she was here on this earth.  I gathered all of my nerves and leaned in to give her a kiss.

Tears poured out of my eyes, and I made a personal vow to always protect her and always be there for her.  In a matter of minutes, my life had completely changed forever.

I'm finally complete.  My heart is finally complete.

The screeching realization that Elle was gone awoke me from my light sleep, once again.  The darkness pervaded the lonely space around me, and I felt the most alone that I've ever felt in my life.  I lifted my head from the soft pillow, groping for my cigarettes which lied somewhere on my nightstand. My hands searched all over until I finally grabbed one from the pack, lit it up, and deeply inhaled, holding the smoke in my lungs for a few moments before releasing it.

My nose was clogged and red, I couldn't breathe one bit.  Crying could do that to you.  It could also make your head pound and your eyes burn so bad that you felt as if you couldn't hold them open for even a second.  My lungs were even tired, and felt as if there couldn't even be another breath pushed out of them.

The silence in my bedroom was killing me slowly, but I liked it.  The sound of silence kept me sane; it kept me from getting violent or aggressive with other people because at the moment, I just didn't feel like being bothered.

"Is this my punishment?" I whispered, not sure if I was talking to myself or God, "Is this my punishment for my sins? For all the wrong doings in my life?  Fuck, if it is... it's not fair. I changed.  And you know it."

I thought back to six years ago.  God, I went through hell.  My whole fucking life had completely fallen apart, once again, but then I held that beautiful baby in my arms and everything felt okay.  I had cheated on my fiancée, gotten someone else pregnant, broke up my soon-to-be marriage, had a child with a woman that I barely knew... who I quickly fell in love with, and then everything soon fell into place.  I had a family.  For the first time in my life, I had something to come home to.  Now what the hell do I have?

I'm sick of being the strong one -- I'm not strong, not for this, not strong for much anymore.

Fuck, I just sighed to myself, then reached over trying to locate the remote.  I grabbed it, and hit the 'power' button.  I squinted my eyes at the bright light that shined through the television, letting my eyes adjust.  I quickly scrolled through all the channels available.  Who am I kidding? I can't focus on any TV right now.  It gave me a headache just listening to the fucking chipper, happy people that were beginning the morning news.  I turned it off quickly.

A small ray of light peeked in through my bedroom door, which cracked open a few inches, and I saw Brian's head pop in.

Jesus Christ.  He was still here.

"Can't sleep either?" I asked Brian in a harsh tone.

"I was just, well... no, but I was checkin' on you," he stuttered and shrugged, "You know... making sure your okay."

They all probably think I'm gonna kill myself.  I don't see a reason not to, but I wouldn't do it.

"Yep.  Perfectly fine," I lit up another cigarette, quickly inhaling as much as possible, and exhaling out.

Brian scrunched his nose up, and I knew he couldn't stand the smell of smoke but he didn't dare say anything to me about it now.

Now I was just in my pissed off stage.  I was so emotionless, and so mentally and physically drained, I couldn't even concentrate on the mourning of my daughter.

"Look, do you want me to stay in here with you?" Brian asked, closing the bedroom door behind him as he walked towards the bed, taking a seat on the end of it, "Do you need anything? Sleeping pills? Food?"

"Pills would be nice, of any kind," I sort of smirked.

Brian just looked at me, his eyes filled with worry and concern, "Okay.  I'll get you a Xanex."

I blew out puffs of smoke, and just laughed in an evil sort-of way, "Don't go get me pills.  I wanna suffer.  I wanna fucking suffer."

Brian was looking at me as if I was crazy.  I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, I was half-asleep.  And then I glanced my eyes over to the picture of Elle, she was beautiful.  God, was she beautiful or what?

"Brian," my heart began to beat fast, and my pulse was racing, "Brian, what am I gonna do?  I - I can't live without her.  I can't.  I just... you know what she meant to me.  You know how special she was.  She almost wasn't in the world in the beginning and now she's just gone!?  She's taken from me?  It's not fair, Bri. All the shit that I went through to get her into this world and He just takes her away from me so soon!?"

I gave up, and nearly collapsed into Brian's arms.  I was exhausted, I was hurt, I was in pain and I wasn't strong enough for this.  I could try to fight it, and I could try to act like a hard ass but I can't do this.  My soft, quiet sobs filled the silent room as I stayed in Brian's embrace, clinging onto him like a little child.

Brian's cries slowly could be heard and it just made me cry even harder.  He was attempting to cover the tears, but I knew he was sobbing.  He didn't know what to do for me, and I truly believe for one split second he could feel my pain.

I released from Brian's grip, and wiped my eyes, "What if this was Baylee, Bri? What if?"

"I know, I know," was all he could repeat, "I have a little boy.  It could've happened to him.  Aje, I don't know why this happened to you.  I don't.  There's no reason for it.  It was just... a tragic accident."

"Bri, I let my kid go to a fucking pool for a day, and she drowns? She dies?  God, she just wanted to play with her friends.  I had been keeping her so sheltered since Deb died, and I give in one time, ONE God damn time and she's dead!"  I screamed, as loud as I could, I wish the whole world would hear me.

"I don't know," Brian sighed, "I just don't know."

"Life doesn't make any sense.  Why couldn't he take me?  I could've gone... Elle would've been fine.  You would've taken care of her, or Mom ... or somebody.  She would've had a great life.  But instead, he leaves me here?  It just... doesn't make any sense."

I picked up the frame with he picture in it and just stared at it, with more tears welling up in my eyes, "How can she be gone, Bri?"

Brian took the picture from my hands to take a glance at it himself and tears began to fall like rain from his eyes. “I don't know, Bone.  I don't know why he would take your baby."

My head was pounding and I strained to find a meaning; I couldn't find one.  I just couldn't find a meaning for life.

"My baby," I chuckled through my tears, "She hated when I called her that--she always said 'Daddy, I'm your big girl now.'"

Brian smiled warmly, remembering her saying that countless times.

"She would get so mad at me," I actually cracked a smile, thinking back on the funny memory, "And I'd start tickling her and tell her she would always be my baby."

"Remember when she actually was a baby?" Brian asked, "And the first time I met her she threw up all over me?"

I laughed, although the tears continued pouring down my cheeks, "Yeah.  Yeah, I remember that like yesterday."

"I had a lot of good times with her.  You used to get me to baby-sit her a lot when she was little... when you and Deb first got together."

"Yeah," I remembered back to the time, "Yeah, you babysat her a lot."

I just stared out of the window, the gusts of wind could be heard trying to seep their way through, and the leaves shuffled around outside.

"You know," I sighed, "It seems like every time I think things are going okay, and I begin to get happy... something like this happens.  It's like... I'm not meant to be happy.  I'm supposed to be this depressed guy for the rest of my life -- that way, things don't change.  They just stay the same."

"I don't think it's for any reason, AJ.  Nobody's out to get you or anything.  At least that's not what I believe."

"I don't know what to believe anymore.  There's nothing for me left to believe in.  Life has just been... well, it's been a big pile of shit for me.  But, I feel like if I stop believing in God, or stop believing there's a Heaven, then I won't get to see my baby again.  Or my wife.  Or my grandparents.  Or anyone else I knew that died.  God," I muttered, "I just never expected her to leave.  Not this soon."

"Me neither," Brian just shook his head and sighed, "Me neither."

I loved Brian to death and he had helped me through everything... all of my shitty times.  But it really pissed me off how everything in his life seemed to run so smoothly.  You know, he had a messy divorce, so what? It fucking happens to everyone.  He still has his kid.  He still has his family.  Everyone around me had these close-to-perfect lives, and here I was -- just a fucked up guy that had been put on this earth for some unknown reason.

I rubbed my eyes, closed them for a brief moment, and decided to sit up out of my bed.

"Fuck," I just muttered to myself, throwing the covers off of me, and walking towards the bathroom.

My stomach was twisted in knots and I felt like I could vomit at any moment.  So I sped up my pace, and hovered over the toilet throwing up, what seemed, everything that I had ever eaten in my entire life.

I quickly flushed it down, and Brian immediately came running over with a glass of water in hand.  I took it from him, and gulped it down, disgusted by my own self.  Then Brian handed me a towel and I wiped my face clean.