Leaves crunched underneath my feet as I carefully picked my way through the tombstones.  The chilly breeze blew softly around me, and I spotted the headstone, right beside it was a pile of freshly dug dirt.  Elle's stone wouldn't arrive for months.  For now, it was just a pile of dirt.  In a way, I liked it like that.  That way the realization doesn't hit me yet, I don't have to look at her name carved into a stone, proving that she had died.

Despite the bright sun that shined down, I was cold.  The breeze was enough to make me shiver, so I slipped my jacket on, trying to find some sort of warmth left in my body.  There wasn't much of that left.  I approached the sixth headstone that there was, and read the words silently to myself.

Deborah Ellen McLean  September 15, 1977 - November 20th, 2009

Then, I eyed the big pile of dirt that lied next to her, and sank to my knees.  I rubbed my hands all through the dirt, praying that maybe she would come back to me, even if it was only for a little while.  I needed to see a miracle happen.  I needed some little piece of hope to grasp onto.

"Daddy would be so happy...," I whispered aloud, "Daddy needs you to give him answers.  Daddy just wants you to be happy, sweetheart.  But I miss you so much.  I need you here."

Then, I traced my fingers along Deb's name, "I hope you’re with her, you know that?  As much as I want her here, it makes me feel better that her Mommy's with her.  I can suffer.  I can stay on this earth and suffer.  You couldn't have handled this.  Maybe that's why God took you first.  Shit, I can't handle it either, though."

I sighed, "You know, after you died... it took me months to get here to the cemetery.  Now, look at me... I'm here five days later.  Five fucking days.  I'm goin' mad, Debs, I really am.  I haven't visited my grandparents in over a year."

I looked over at the trees, which were now blowing in the wind, causing the colored leaves to fall off of their branches.

"I didn't tell anyone where I was going," I told the grey stone, "They're probably worried as hell.  But fuck it.  I wanted to see you guys.  I needed to see my family."

I pulled a pack of cigarettes out of my coat pocket, lifted one from the box, and began quietly puffing on the cigarette.

"You know, I never did this with Elle in the room," I blew out puffs of smoke, "I had almost quit.  But now -- now, it's just fucking impossible.  I know you'd understand hon."

Then, I switched my gaze over to Elle's spot, where my daughter now lies for the rest of my life.

"Sweetie, Daddy misses you so much," I threw out my cigarette, and nudged it into the ground with my fingers, "Oh, baby... Daddy's so lost without you.  I keep telling myself I'll see you again, but it's so hard to grasp onto that I'll never see you again until the day that I die," I took a deep breath in between words, "And I'm sorry.  I'm trying to be strong.  For you, of course.  But it's so hard.  You’re not on this earth anymore and Daddy just doesn't know how much longer he can take it."

I held back my tears, and sucked it up, "I miss you."

I graced my fingers throughout the dirt once again, before slowly rising to my feet.  Then, I glanced over at the trees one more time, picked up a few leaves off of the ground that were lying beside me and I buried them in the dirt. Before I walked away, I dug through my pocket looking for change and had a few quarters.  I took one, slid it under the dirt, and slightly smiled, "That coin will be there forever, babe."

Then I loudly let out an exasperated sigh, looked to the grey stone one last time, and turned around as I began heading back towards my car.

Before starting the engine, I simply sat in my seat for a few moments, looking into my own eyes in the rearview mirror.  I looked like shit and there was no doubt about it.  Besides that, there was a dullness in my eyes; an emptiness that engulfed me.  Even my skin was pale -- I yearned to discover some sort of color but I just couldn't dig deep enough to find it.

I gazed up at the sky, wishing that maybe a ray of light would shine upon me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Ah, fuck it.  I just turned the key as the engine rumbled on, and I began to leave the cemetery.  I looked over my shoulder for one last glance, "Bye, my girls."

The way back home was probably the longest drive of my life. By the time I arrived home, and pulled into the driveway, I noticed four other cars sitting beside Deb's.  Shit, I just rolled my eyes and slammed my door shut, shoving my car keys into my pocket.  I didn't feel like dealing with...people, right now.  They were probably all worried, but I didn't have the patience to deal with concerned people.

As soon as I twisted the knob I could hear an outpour of different reactions. "Oh, thank God!" I could hear Brian's voice clearly.

"AJ, please don't do that to us...," Brian greeted me with a tight hug, "We were all just worried."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I just muttered, throwing my keys onto the coffee table that sat by the front door.

Then, my focus drifted over to the man sitting on my sofa.  You've got to be fucking kidding me.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" I pointed to him, as he stood from his spot on the couch to greet me, although speechless.

"Aje," Kevin just looked at me, "We... we just thought... I'm sorry."

I took a ragged breath, trying to calm myself once again, and he squeezed my shoulder attempting to support me and whispered into my ear, "He is your father, J."

"Father?" I yelled, but in a whisper, "A father to who?!  Can someone tell me? Because I sure as fuck don't know who this man is!"

"I'll - I'll leave...," I heard him say, and began heading towards the door.

"AJ, he is your blood, whether you like it or not," Kevin firmly gripped onto me, my body becoming more tense as each churning second passed.

My mind was moving a million miles an hour and running fast-paced in a thousand different directions, not allowing my brain one second to catch a single thought.

"Don't, I don't know, fuck... don't leave," I spit out, before my father walked out of the door.  I slid my sweaty hand on my forehead to rest my palm there, attempting to get my brain to think more clearly.  My brain had never actually felt like it could explode, but right now, it felt as if it could at any given moment.

"Do you know how much shit you caused me?" I bluntly yelled out, looking my father into his eyes.

"No," he simply said, "I could never feel the pain you’re going through right now. And I'm not going to act like I could."

"Yeah, well no shit," I replied back, in the most smart-ass way that I could, "But before any of this... before my wife, before my little girl... do you know how much shit you put me through?"

He just dropped his neck, and shook his head.

"You know what, fuck it.  Your worthless," I threw my arms up in distress, and quickly ran up the stairs to go hibernate myself in my bedroom -- the only place that I wanted to be right now, besides being dead, was up there in that dark, lonely bedroom.

I drew the shades shut, blocking any rays of sun that could possibly shine through and distract me from my sleep.  And of course, there had to be footsteps that could be heard following me, and soon enough my bedroom door flung open.

"Alex," I heard Kevin say, as he came closer to me.  It was the first time he had called me Alex in a long time.  "I'm sorry," he whispered, "It was me who called him over.  I didn't know if it would be good or bad -- but we were all so worried, and didn't know where you went..."

"I just went to the fucking cemetery, Kev.  To visit my dead wife and daughter.  Can't anyone at least give me that?"

"Aje, that's fine.  We were just worried."

"Kevin...," I looked at him with child-like eyes, searching for answers, "I...I can't do this."

Kevin simply leaned over, and wrapped his arms around me, "AJ, I don't know why this stuff happens to you.  You've been nothing but an amazing person throughout your life, please don't forget that.  No matter what, you have me.  You've also got Brian, Nick and Howie.  It sounds corny, but we're family, AJ.  Please remember that?" he backed away for a moment, to look me in the eyes, and make sure I was listening.

All I could do was let more tears fall from my eyes, and let go of all my pride once again, and fall into my brother's arms.

He embraced me in a hug, and firmly told me, "Please, let me help you.  You can't do this on your own."

I just nodded, as tears continued to stream down my face.

I was a stubborn person, I knew that.  I didn't like people to help me.  I just wouldn't allow it.  I always felt like I could handle things on my own, and take control of situations.  There was no way in hell that I could take control of this situation.  I had lost all control, as a matter of fact, and if Kevin was willing to be with me every step of the way, for the first time in my life... I think I would have to accept it.

"Man, Kev...," I just sighed, "How can she be gone?  She was so perfect.  She was gettin' so big and so tall..."

"Here, special delivery...," Kevin joked, carrying Elle over his shoulder and dropping her off into her father's arms, in a fit of giggles and laughter.

"There's my girl!" I smiled at the sight of her, taking her into my arms, and planting a kiss on her forehead. "How was she?"

"An angel, as always," Kevin responded and then continued to torment my poor child by messing up her hair.  She quickly wrapped her small arms around my neck, and smiled at Kevin's harmless torment.

"Your growing so big," Kevin laughed, "Last time I saw you, you were like, here..."   He placed his hand down at his knees.

"Well, I grew, uncle Kev!" she told him, proudly, "Duh!"

I smiled, and squeezed her tightly into a bear hug, closing my eyes for a brief second to thank God for my daughter before she slipped out of my arms and ran off into the hotel lobby, rummaging around who knows what.

Kevin shook his head and smiled, "How was breakfast?"

"It was fine..."

The thought of Elle being vanished from this earth was completely unbearable for any one mind to handle.  It was so hard to comprehend; my mind just couldn't grasp onto it.

"Do you want me to stay in here with you tonight?" Kevin asked, "I can grab some pillows and blankets and make a comfy spot on the floor."

I nodded.

"Do you want me to tell the other guys to just take off?"

I shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

"Alright," Kevin simply nodded, "I'll go tell 'em."

He knew.  Kevin knew I didn't want to be bothered.  And he would take care of it.  That was the probably the coolest part about Kevin... he always took care of things.  If you needed something done, he was there.

When Kevin left the room, I broke down once more, before wiping my eyes free of tears and crawling underneath the warm comfort of my blankets.  I simply sighed, began to close my eyes... and possibly get a few minutes of sleep.