"Oh my God...," I groaned, half sprawled out on the tile floor, my forehead rested on the edge of the shiny toilet seat, as I vomited out everything that my stomach had consumed in the last three days, which wasn't much.

I struggled to lift myself up off of the ground, and once I did, I climbed right back into the warmth of my bed.  I clutched the covers, and pulled them up towards my chin and began shivering.  It wasn't that I was cold, it was more of just a mixture of fear, anger, and sorrow all blended together to make me feel as if I was clinically insane.

The whistling of the winds rustled outside of my windows, despite the sun that had crept up on the world in the last thirty minutes.

I groaned, threw the covers off of me, and got up to close the blinds.  I slid them shut, so the room was once again filled with complete darkness.  My head was pounding, and light was the last thing my head needed.

I went back into the bathroom, unsure if I wanted to wake myself up, or simply just lay back in bed for the rest of the day.  I think my first hangover in seven years deserves a full day in bed but honestly, what the fuck does it matter?  If I'm up, I'm up and if I'm asleep, well... then I'm asleep.

I leaned onto the bathroom counter, attempting to gain any strength back to hold myself up.  I looked at myself in the mirror, truly looked at myself for the first time in a long time and all I could see was a lonely man.  A misunderstood, lonely man just searching for answers.

My eyes had bags underneath of them, and were red and dull.  My hair was overgrown, and a mess.  The awful stench of alcohol could be smelled on my breath.

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to gain some of my decency back as a human being and sighed while doing so.  It was so useless.

I grabbed my toothbrush from the sink, piled a lump of toothpaste on it, and began to brush my teeth.  Even raising the toothbrush from the sink up to my mouth took a whole load of strength and energy that I didn't have.  I scrubbed as hard as possible, feeling as if that might help me a little.   I spit one final time, before placing the toothbrush back on the counter.  Then I grabbed the mouthwash, gargled as quickly as possible, and spit it back into the sink.

I splashed some water on my face, and that would be my shower for the day.  I laughed at myself.  I probably smelled so fucking bad -- and I didn't even care.

I wasn't even sure if I was here alone, or if someone was downstairs.  They all felt as though I needed a babysitter and in many ways, I did.  I'd much rather fucking cry on someone’s shoulders than all alone.  But sometimes, when you’re crying like that, you just feel so God damned childish.

I opened the cabinet, eyeing the razor for a moment, imagining my fresh blood running down it for a split second.  I thought about not being on this earth anymore, and finally being able to lay to rest.  I imagined seeing Elle's face waiting to greet me, with Debs standing right beside her, her hands placed on Elle's shoulders. I grabbed it, and let my fingers run across it quickly, then placed the blade over my right wrist.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and...

"Jesus Christ!" I shouted, dropping the razor as Kevin came bursting in the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing!" I nearly shouted.

"Bullshit, you just tried to kill yourself."

"I wasn't gonna fucking do anything, Kev.  Jesus," I muttered, bending over to grab the razor off of the floor and placed it back on the shelf in the cabinet.

"AJ, all I'll tell you is this... if you kill yourself, you will not see your daughter again, or your wife or your grandparents.  You got that?  That's something I truly believe. Suicide is a sin. I love you. Everybody that's left on this God damned earth loves you!  I can't handle you dying right now."

I just sighed, "Kevin, you have to understand.  I don't want to be on the earth anymore."

"I understand!  I wouldn't want to be here either, quite honestly.  But life is fucking life, and it sucks.  And when it's your day to die -- then that's your day to die.  Please, don't do this!"

"Kev, I - I wasn't gonna really do anything.  You know that, right?"

Kevin looked at me for a moment, staring into my eyes, as if he was trying to search for some deep, dark secret of mine.

"No," he shook his head, "No, I don't know.  Your daughter just died, Aje.  That's over the top.  That's way more than you can handle.  And I'm worried."

My tense shoulders fell, and I began walking out of the bathroom to take a seat on the edge of my bed.  Kevin turned the bathroom lights off on his way out and sat next to me.

"Kev-," I cried out, my voice cracking slightly, "I fucked up last night."

He didn't respond like I thought he would, though.  He didn't blow up on me, or lecture me, and I couldn't see red in his eyes like I had in the past.  He simply leaned in to grasp me into a hug, putting his arms softly, yet strong at the same time, around me.

"It's alright."

In a way, I needed him to yell at me.  I wanted him to tell me I fucked up, and I was a horrible person and that I should be dead.

"Kevin, please... just fucking yell at me," I said aloud, through my tears, "Tell me again.  Tell me I'm dead to you.  Punch me.  Kick me in the nuts.  Fucking do something."

Kevin shook his head, "No, you’re not dead to me. You’re anything but dead.  You’re the best man I've probably ever met in my life.  It just took me a while to realize it."

Kevin let a small grin escape from his lips, but I just shook my head.  It felt good to hear him say that, it really did... but I didn't believe it.  I hated myself, and I couldn't stand the person that I had become and everything my life had amounted to.  The only thing I was proud of was my little girl, and now she was gone.

She was gone, I repeated in my head.

My heart was racing, but my mind was slowing down.  It was like a constant battle between the two, like a pendulum constantly swinging back and forth.  The only problem was, I needed the pendulum to hang plumb, situated right in the middle.  But instead, my mind was going in a million different directions.

Kevin patted my back, "We're going to breakfast."

"What?" I questioned, coming out of my thoughts.

"I'm taking you to God damn breakfast, and we're getting out of this house," he told me, matter-of-factly.

I just shrugged, "Kev, I'm tired.  I'm hung over.  I'm depressed.  I wanna just stay here."

I stared down at the ground, moved my toes around on the carpet and sighed, "Fuck, man, alright.  But let me sleep for at least another hour.  It's fucking 5 in the morning."

"Alright, get some sleep."

I rolled over and opened my eyes, hoping I had actually fallen asleep for a little while.  The sheets were completely twisted around my legs, and all my pillows were now lying on the floor next to me.  The sheet, which usually fit onto my bed, was all tangled and pulled from the corners of the mattress.

I reached over, searching for my cigarettes, and grabbed one from the pack.  I quickly lit up, and inhaled a few times, before putting it out quickly in the ashtray.  Then I saw two Aspirin pills sitting on my night stand, with a glass of water.  Kevin must've come in here.  I wonder how long I've been out.

I flipped open my cell phone and it read 9:56am.  Thank God.  At least I got a few more hours of sleep.

I popped the two pills, followed by a few gulps of water.  That probably wouldn't even help me, I thought and hopped out of the bed.

I quickly threw on a shirt and some pants, not even bothering to look at myself in the mirror.  I don't feel like barfing anymore, and looking at me probably wouldn't help.

I was about to walk downstairs, but my eyes roamed to her door.  Oh, man, how amazing would that be if she was fast asleep in her room?  I sighed, and turned the doorknob uneasily with shaking hands, closing my eyes as the door opened. Her bed was still un-made from the last night that she slept in it, there were toys scattered all over the floor, and the television was still on showing some show on Nickelodeon.

I traced my hands along all of her books, which had been neatly placed on her shelf, and then opened up her drawers.  I took out one of her folded pink shirts, smelling it... hoping I would have something, anything left of her.  I started to cry again; I just missed her so much.  I couldn't take this anymore.

The memories began to flicker in a dazed whirl.  I can still see Elle, her back against the wall, playing her My Little Pony video games.  She'd turn her little head to pause the game and look up at me with those beautiful, bright brown eyes.

"Hi, daddy.  Wanna play?"

Fuck!  I crumpled the shirt up into a ball, and threw it with all of my might across the room.  "Fuck!" I screamed aloud this time, "How could you take her?!"

Kevin came in, but he just stood there and sighed, looking at me.  He knew there was nothing to do for me.

Once again, that rotten pit in my stomach arrived so painful and so gruesome that I felt as though I could vomit more.  Suddenly, I dropped to my knees, and curled weakly into a ball.

"AJ, let's just stay here...," I hear Kevin's voice say, in nearly a whisper.

I just nodded, leaning my head onto my knees, and tightly wrapped my arms around them just to stay in place on the floor.

Kevin's define jaw structure was clearly visible, though the room was dark and dreary and his green eyes burned so fiercely into mine.  He wished he could help me, I knew it and I could feel it.

"Kevin?" I lifted my head for a moment, to look at him.

"Yeah?"

I don't know what I wanted to say.  I didn't really have anything to say.  I just felt like saying something to break the silence.

"I don't know...," I began to slowly lift myself off of the ground, and he offered his hand for me to grip onto for support.

"Aje?" he asked.

I just looked at him, waiting for him to say something.

"I know you don't want to deal with this, but... everyone's been asking me and, well, are you, you know - are you gonna sue the pool?"

I sucked in a big gulp of air, unsure of what to answer that question with.

"Fuck," I simply muttered, "I don't know.  It seems so pointless - I don't need the money.  I don't want the publicity.  But I don't want them to get away with this shit."

Kevin nodded, understanding.

"I talked to your lawyer.  He called.  First, he wanted to see how you were.  And then he asked if you were gonna sue."

"Fuckin' scum bag," I grunted under my breath, "He doesn't care about how I'm doin', he just wants a fucking paycheck.  For my fucking dead daughter!"

Kevin sighed, and his head fell.  The smallest things just set me off.  Is that all people in this world care about?!  I had a daughter, I had a family, and they're all dead!  They're gone forever, and all these people cared about was money.

"I know," he said in a slight whisper, "We'll use somebody else if you want to sue.  Okay?"

I nodded.

"Honestly, I don't want to think about it right now," I shook my head in disgust.

"That's fine," Kevin's soothing voice told, "I just wanted to mention it."

“Where’s my mom?” I had no idea where she had been.

“She’ll be back… she flew home.  She had her own breakdown yesterday, and didn’t want you to see her like that.”

“What?!” I instantly became worried, “She could’ve came to me!”

“AJ, I don’t think you would’ve wanted to see her like that.  I took care of it, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

I nodded.

"Let's get out of here...," I closed Elle's door behind me.

I squinted as the bright, morning sun that washed over me.  I had a cigarette rested in between my lips, but it wasn't lit.  I just liked to know it was there just in case.  I leaned against the banister on the front porch, staring off into the distance, looking out at the blue sky.  I think it was the first nice day we've had since Elle died... it was warm for this time of year, but there was still a nice breeze.

"Man, oh, man.  What am I gonna do without you?" I muttered to myself, shaking my head in disbelief.

It would never be real that she was gone.  I needed answers.  I always wanted answers that I couldn't have.  I placed the cigarette back into the pack.  I didn't want to smoke right now, for the first time in a long time.

I took one last glance at the huge, empty sky and made my way back into the house.  Along the way, I passed various pictures that had been hung on the wall from many different times in my life.  I had to laugh at the one where my hair was died black and blue and sticking out in every direction possible. I would give anything to go back to that year when everything was so much simpler, although I made it out to be much more complicated than it truly was.

There were also many photographs of my mom and me.  Deb had hung all those up only months before she passed away.  After Deb died, I added a few pictures of us from our wedding and honeymoon.

Then, I ran my fingers along the photos of me and my baby, brushing off the dust that covered them.  It was almost a timeline that Deb had set up, with me in the hospital holding her so tightly wrapped in a tiny pink blanket and a big smile plastered on my face.  Then, directly next to it was a picture of us at her first birthday party, both with birthday hats on our heads blowing out the candles on her cake.

I could feel the cool tears weaving their way down my cheeks as I stared into her beautiful eyes.  All I could do was lean in, and kiss the cold glass that covered her picture.

"I love you, sweetie."