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Chapter 7


I attempted to dial the number once more, looking away from the scrap of paper with the number written on it, but I quickly hung up. I felt completely restless, and I picked up the phone again as the dial tone continuously rang in my ear. Then, I punched in the numbers and let it ring all the way through.

"Hello?" the woman's calm voice came through the reciever.

A huge pit immediately re-entered my stomach, causing me to freeze up. I was unsure of why I called her, or what I was going to say.

"Hello?" she questioned, once again.

"Hi," was all I could spit out.

I quickly cleared my throat, realizing it was raspy and grougy. I imagine that was from lack of sleep, and stress.

"Whose this?" she asked, politely.

I think in the back of her mind she knew it was me, but she didn't want to admit it to herself.

"It's A-," I wasn't sure whether to say AJ or Alex, but I took a deep breath and finally got out, "It's Alex."

"Alex," she repeated in a hushed tone, "How have you been?"

Do I tell her the God honest truth or bullshit out of my ass? I say -- tell her the fucking truth. She deserves nothing but the truth.

"Honestly, I'm doin' pretty fucking bad. I just needed to call you. For a few reasons. I'm sure you heard what happened-"

"You don't need to explain. I know, Alex. I'm... I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say. I wish there was something I could do. I just, I feel so bad."

"No. No, that's not fair to you. I hurt you, Diana! And I'm so sorry...," my throat felt dry, and I sucked up the tears that had began to fall, "I've felt so much fucking guilt for the last 5 years because of what I did to you! I always felt that it wasn't fair... I had this beautiful child, but she wasn't supposed to be here. She wasn't supposed to come into the world like she did... she wasn't your child. And she should've been. I made a mistake, Di. I cheated on you, and had a baby and started a family in the wrong way... and I'm sorry. And I always will be sorry for that."

"Aje, Aje," she repeated over the phone, in a soft, soothing voice, "Please. Don't feel guilty over that. I got over it, AJ. I truly did. Was I hurt? Yes, I was very hurt for a long time. I struggled for years. But we weren't meant to be, and I learned how to just be happy for you. You had a beautiful daughter. You can't control who you love, and you didn't love me and you never did-"

"No, that's not true!" I butted in and defended myself, "I loved you very much. You'll always have a place in my heart."

She sighed, "But you feel out of love with me. You loved Debbie, and I had to learn to accept that as hard as it was."

"Look, I just... called because I'm so alone. So fucking alone. I needed to apologize. If I hadn't have done what I did, I wouldn't have caused you so much pain, I wouldn't have put myself through so much pain. I feel like this is all punishment... for what I did. I don't...," I gulped, taking in huge breaths as I talked, trying to calm down the crying, "I don't have any desire to live anymore. I've been through so much shit, and so much fucking heartache. I can't take much more."

"Are you alone?" was all she asked.

I gulped, and nodded to myself before answering, "Yeah."

"Where are all the guys?"

"Oh, they've been here all the time. They've been here for me so much... I told them to go home for a while. I told them that I needed a night to myself."

"And that was a lie," she said. Yeah, she still knew me.

"Yeah," I sighed, "It was a lie."

"Do you want me to come over?"

The silence reigned over each end of the phone, until I quickly and quietly muffed, "Y-y-yeah. I mean, if you... you know, if you want to."

"Alex, of course I will."

"Do you remember how to get here?" I asked.

"I think so. I'll call you if I get lost."

"Okay. Th-thanks."

"Your welcome, Alex," and I knew she smiled on the other end of the phone.

It felt good to have a normal conversation with her for the first time in a long time.



Waiting for her was probably the longest hour of my life, but the wait was well worth it when I saw her walking up my driveway. I remembered her like it was yesturday; her face was still beautiful, but she had died her hair a new color. I didn't like it. She looked good, though, from what I could see through my window. Was I supposed to go down there and greet her? I guess I was.

As I was walking downstairs, I spotted my own reflection in the mirror that was hung in the hallway. I looked sickly disgusting and probably should've put some effort into getting ready, possibly even showering. I was in a pair of baggy shorts, and just a plain white Hanes t-shirt. My face looked dirty from all the stubble that I had let grow out, and my hair was so long that it had began to curl at the ends. Oh well.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Yeah, I'm comin'!" I called out, my walking pace quickened and once I opened the door, I simply greeted her with a small smile.

"Hey," she said, stepping one foot into my house.

"Hi," I simply replied back, "It's good to see you."

"You too," she smiled, tucking one loose strand of hair behind her ear.

I shut the door behind her, leading her into the house which, as I now looked around, was a complete disaster.

"Sorry for the mess, I just haven't really cleaned up around here, you know it's been crazy around here."

She looked like she wanted to laugh at me when I frantically began to pick up various pieces of trash that were lying around.

"When did you start worrying about... cleanliness?" she chuckled.

I couldn't help but smile myself and let off a shrug of my shoulders, "A lot changed, I guess."

"You've done a lot to the house...," her eyes seemed to be roaming the whole place.

"Deb did, actually," I was quick to point out but then thought that maybe I shouldn't have said that. I didn't invite her over here to throw shit in her face. But what does she care? It's been over five years. Deb was my wife.

"Ohh, well she did a great job. I love the colors."

"Well, thanks," I grinned, picking up the last soda can from the table, "She would appreciate that, honestly. Take a seat, do you want anything to drink?"

"Water's fine," she went over and took a seat on the couch.

I grabbed a seat next to her and handed her the glass of ice water, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really had no idea why I had called her. But from the moment she walked in the house, I felt... not good, but better. Like after all these years of me going on a guilt trip from hurting her so badly, that now everything was fine. Except for the fact that my wife and daughter were now dead. You just can't fucking win.

"Diana... I'm not really sure why I called you," I flat out stated.

"I'm glad you did, Aje. Really."

"It's been a long time, huh? Five years or so?"

She nodded, "Something like that."

I grabbed the picture from the table sitting next to me, and handed it to her, "That's my girl, Di. That's my Elle."

Immediately after looking at her pretty face, tears began to well up in my eyes and I, once again, felt like the little child who had no power whatsoever; in reality, I was the grown man who simply had no strength left in my body.

Diana's eyes had even started to fill with tears, "She's beautiful. She really is. You did a good job, you know? You did the right thing."

"How can you say that? I hurt you so bad, you know? Fuck... what if I had told Deb to have an abortion. She was going to! You never would've known, I never would've known, nobody would've known what would've become of her."

"But you loved her, Aje. You loved your daughter, and nothing can ever take that away from you. You've experienced the love of a child, and you will have that love in your life forever."

More tears fell and I just shook my head, "But no... we were going to have a baby, too! Remember?! I still would've experienced it... maybe it wouldn't have died. I did things backwards and God knew that, so he took them from me, God damnit!"

Diana began to cry harder, unable to get the words to escape her lips, "N-n-no. AJ, I... I can't, you don't understand, I can't have k-k-kids. I'm not able t-to."

"You what?" I nearly yelled through my cries.

"I can't have kids!" she shouted back at me, "And I knew it all along! I just didn't tell you!"

"How...," I sighed, and for a few moments I stared down at the floor, until I lifted my head and looked at her with the most pleading eyes. In a soft whisper through tears, I asked, "How come you never told me?"

"Because I knew, AJ. I knew that if you knew that, you wouldn't have wanted to marry me."

"That's not true!"

"It is true!" she argued back, "You were always talking about how you wanted kids and I couldn't bear to tell you that we were never going to be able to."

"Well...," I really had nothing to say to that. She was right. I had always wanted a child. Deep down I knew I wasn't ready to be a father at the time, but I always said that later on I wanted some kids.

"And you got a kid," she said, "you got your wish. It was meant to happen, AJ and that's what I've told myself all of these years. You were meant for a child, and God only knows why she was taken from you so soon. But you had her, and you were a good dad. I was so jealous of Debbie for the mere fact that she could have your child and give you that gift, and I couldn't. Do you know what I used to do?"

I shook my head.

"I used to go online every week to check if there was any new pictures of you and Elle. I had so many mixed feelings, because I was so happy for you yet so fucking mad at you for cheating on me."

I nodded.

"I'm-I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you."

"I know that now," she said, "But back then I was just pissed."

"I understand," was all I said.

For a few awkward moments, everything was silent. It was just us, and a couch, and a television that had been turned on mute. As I looked around the room, it was still weird for me to not hear Elle's footsteps come running down the stairs. Having my ex-fiancee sitting next to me wasn't helping the awkwardness, by any means.

"I don't know what to do," I mumbled under my breath, hardly able to breathe at all. My nose was clogged, and my eyes stung from all the tears.

"I don't know what to tell you," she said, and placed her arms around me and I just let my body collapse onto her, trusting that she could handle all my weight leaning on her.

"I'm just so God damn weak," I croaked, "Every little piece of me is numb. I'm so immune to everything, to all this pain and to suffering and whatever. I'm not sure what I want anymore, 'cause I definitely don't want to be here. On Earth."

She didn't even reply back, she simply squeezed my hand even tighter and looked at me with believing eyes, as if trying to tell me something that I didn't quite get.

"I'm scared," I admitted, in a whisper, leaning in closer to her face.

"Scared of what?" she asked.

"Scared of what's about to happen...," I lifted my head up so that we were directly facing each other, and my lips curved into a smile, despite the tears dripping down my face. "I want to kiss you."

"I don't think it's right," she said, as she stroked my tear-stained cheek.

"I'm not asking you, Di," I whispered, "I want to."

She grinned through her own tears, and I leaned in feeling the sensation of her lips on mine for the first time in so long.

"I never meant to hurt you....," I told her, caressing her face.

My eyes never left hers' as I moved my hands around her hips. I kissed her right behind her ear, and moved my way down, beginning to kiss her all over her neck.

"You remember?" she smiled.

"Babe, I remember every touch," I told her.

She groaned as I fell deeper into her transe, and without any more words, we caught each other's lips.