My fists were tightly clenched in anger, as I stared at the creature looking back at me in the mirror. An outpour of hatred seemed to glide out of me. I hated myself for what I'd done, and I was fully determined that I was just a bad person, and that I should have no happiness; I deserved what I got. Every bit of heartbreak I've received was deserved.

I heard a soft knock on the door, followed by a voice just as light, "Aje?"

"Yea-," I attempted to say, but cleared my throat to make myself louder, "Yeah?"

"You okay?" It was Brian.

"Fine," I replied back, dryly.

"Can I come in?"

I slightly laughed, "You wanna come in the bathroom with me?"

"AJ, come on... not like that, dude," he chuckled lightheartedly, "You know what I mean."

I just shook my head and unlocked the door, "Yeah, I guess."

"What are you doing?" he asked me, that look of concern that was now constantly written on his face.

"Well, I was going to shave this nasty beard off, make myself look beautiful again," I just laughed in a sarcastic tone, "... but then I couldn't stop staring at my face and realizing what a piece of shit I am."

"Why do you say that?"

As if he didn't know.

"Come on, Bri... I've always been a fuck-up."

He simply sighed, "You are not. You're a -"

"I fucked Diana last night," I bluntly stated, cutting him off from his sentence.

Brian looked at me dumbfounded for words, unsure of what to do or say. The blank expression on his face was enough for me, and it was all I had expected out of him. I wasn't even going to tell him, of all people. Maybe Nick or Howie, hell… even Kevin but not Brian.

"Why was she... over your house?" was all he spit out.

"I called her. I couldn't stand being alone."

"Why didn't you call one of us?" he asked me.

"Well, honestly, Bri... your a good looking dude but I'm not attracted to you in that way," I laughed, but I don't even think Brian heard what I had said.

"Dude, I was kidding," I cracked a smile somehow.

"Why would you do that?" Brian asked, shaking his head at me as if he was disappointed in me.

"Because I wanted a fuck partner!" I shouted out, irritated that he would even care. And also pissed off at myself for even blurting out to Brian what I had done last night.

"I haven't...," I shook my head and laughed in a denial state of mind, "Jesus, I can't believe I'm talking to you about this. I haven't been touched since my wife died. I haven't done anything since she died, because I loved her too God damn much and I couldn't get myself to cheat on her, whether she was dead or not. You have to understand, Bri. There was nobody else that I wanted last night but Diana! I almost feel like I owe her something since I screwed her over so bad all those years ago... I know she's still in love with me. You know how many drunken calls I've gotten over the years that I hid from Deb, from her telling me how much she loved me?"

"I just never understood why you always seem to make things harder on yourself than they have to be. Do you want me to feel bad for you? Is that was this is about?" Brian snapped like I had never heard him snap before.

The only question was... do I yell back? I wanted to.

"No," I said in a tone a little above a whisper, "No, it's not, Bri and I can't believe you would think that. It's 'cause you’re like my brother, you know? I thought that maybe, just maybe, you would sort of understand. Whatever, just leave."

I pointed to the door, but Brian was quick to apologize, "Bone, I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"I know you didn't," I just nodded my head, "Leave."

"AJ... come on," he nearly was pleading for my forgiveness.

"I'm fucking sick of you acting like your so fucking perfect!" It was my turn to snap, "Mr. high-and-mighty Brian Littrell, son of God for Christ's sake. I'm sorry that I forgot you can't make any mistakes because God loves you so much more than everybody else! And God gives the perfect little life and the perfect little... everything."

"You’re wrong about that, AJ!" Brian scowled, "My life is not perfect, and I never claimed it to be! At least I didn't screw up my whole life. Maybe that's why God's been 'nicer' to me, because I actually had a goal in life and a plan. You’re an alcoholic, and you always will be!"

This time my jaw dropped, and I was completely at a loss for words. To hear Brian say those words to me hurt so much, I could nearly feel my heart dropping out of place right now. Brian's expression was not much different than mine.

"AJ, shit, I didn't mean it," Brian scrambled for words, and that was the first time in a while I had heard Brian say 'shit.'

You’re an alcoholic and you always will be.

"I know I am," I mumbled under my breath.

"What?"

"I'm an alcoholic, your absolutely right. For 7 years, I never touched a drink. I came close a few times -- but I never did. But I wanted to so bad. And then when Elle died, I did it. I fucking got drunk. I couldn't handle it. After 7 years, you'd think I would've been able to resist. But nope! Not me. 'Cause I'm the fucking drunk AJ McLean!"

I was just rambling on, with no idea where I was headed or what I was trying to say.

"I didn't mean it!" Brian shouted out loud, causing me to stop in mid-sentence. For a few moments, we just sat in silence, unsure of what to say. I was waiting for an explanation from him.

"Go ahead, defend yourself!" I demanded.

He sighed, "I just got mad. I'm sorry."

"That's it?"

"Well you didn't exactly say the nicest things to me, either! I'm so sick of you always feeling like you can take your anger out on me, and expect nothing but nice in return. It usually doesn't work that way! But since everything has happened with you, I always felt like I had to be nice to you, whether you were right or wrong. I've dealt with so much...," he struggled for a word, "verbal abuse from you over the years. It's getting ridiculous! You’re too stubborn to ever listen to what anyone else has to say!"

I swallowed hard, nodding at each word he said. Maybe he was right.

"I'm-," I never did this. I never apologized when I felt I was right. "I'm sorry."

Brian sighed, "I am too."

"I guess... I mean, I didn't mean what I said, you know?"

We sounded like fuckin' little kids right now.

"I know. I didn't, either. I was just trying to say something that would really hurt you," he shook his head, "I'm an asshole."

"That was your second curse word of the day. I'm proud of you," I nodded in approval.

Brian just smiled, "Well, I was an asshole. But so were you."

"That's third curse word of the day...," I quirked, "Your right, though."

"I always am," Brian joked.

"Bri, I really am sorry. I never even realized how much of a dick I've been... you know? I'm sorry. I know I've put you guys through a lot of shit, but don't ever think for a minute that it doesn't kill me inside. I just have so much stuff in my head, and I'm so messed up. I don't even think about everyone else's feelings."

"I know that, AJ. And I try to remember that, too. I put myself in your place, and I'd probably be the same way. Why do you think I always look out for you?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I know."

"Look... do you want to go get a coffee or something? There's that little diner up the street, we can get somethin' to eat," Brian shrugged, throwing out ideas.

"Yeah, that's fine."

The smell of bacon creped into my nostrils as we entered the tiny diner and my stomach immediately began to growl. I swung the door open, allowing Brian to walk in first, and let it close behind me. A tiny bell that was attached at the top of the door jingled, signaling there were new customers.

A petite, older woman with glasses rested on her nose came over with two menus in hand, "Follow me, please."

We did so and followed her to the booth in the corner, positioned directly next to the window.

"Enjoy," she smiled, and Brian flashed one back.

I scooted in, making myself comfortable and Brian took a seat on the bench across from me. I leaned over, digging into my pocket searching for my pack of cigarettes. I managed to fit my keys, my cigarettes and my lighter into one pocket, so of course before finding what I needed I had to empty out everything else.

I placed an unlit cigarette between my lips, letting it rest there until I stuck my keys back into my pocket. Grabbing my lighter from the table, I lifted my eyebrows motioning to Brian and nodded my head a bit to somehow ask for approval, "Do you mind?" I mumbled.

He shook his head, 'no' and I continued with lighting the cigarette. I took in the first puff, taking in as much as I could, and turned my head away from Brian to exhale.

"I was quitting, you know?" I held the cigarette between my index and middle finger, "I never smoked around Elle."

"I know," Brian nodded and he slightly chuckled, "I don't care, Bone. I'm not going to lecture you on your smoking or anything. I understand."

I nodded, and I saw the waitress make her way over to our table, pulling out her pad of paper to take our order.

"How are you all today?" she asked, "May I get you something to drink?"

"Coffee for me, please," I smiled, "cream and sugar."

"I'll do the same," Brian replied, "And I think we're ready to order."

Brian looked across at me, making sure I was ready and I nodded.

"Okay what will it be?" she asked.

"I'll get scrambled eggs with cheese and bacon with a side of sausage," I told her, looking over the menu once again for reassurance.

"I'll just get pancakes, stack of three," Brian smiled, handing her his menu.

"Alright, thanks guys. Should be right up."

I looked over to my left, and saw three of their younger waitresses whispering behind the bar in the corner. As soon as they made eye contact with me, they separated and got back to work. I wondered if they simply recognized us, or if they knew what had happened. I honestly hadn't been keeping track of how much this was in the news, or if it even was. Kevin had said I had received loads of fan mail, but I didn't have the strength to read them.

My eye now caught an older man outside, who was walking in the diner holding a little girl's hand as her hair bobbed up and down in pigtails. Her smile was infectious, and the father looked equally as happy. I shook my head to myself, and wanted to cry inside. That used to be me. She was everywhere with me. How could this happen?

Brian noticed what I was looking at, and quickly tried to direct me to something new, "Hey, let's play some Keno..."

I looked up at the TV screen, showing the lottery-like numbers pop up and showing a winner. I shrugged, "Nah, I don't like gambling too much anymore."

"Let's just play," Brian grabbed the sheet to fill out a few numbers, but I shook my head and said, "Count me out, Bri. I just don't want to play."

Brian gave a reassuring smile and put the sheet back.

"I'm sorry, man," I sighed, taking a final drag of my cigarette and flicking it into the ashtray, "Maybe this was a bad idea."

"We can leave. I can get the check-"

"No, no, we'll eat," I argued, "I'm fine."

I was having one of my anxiety attacks, and the craving for my daily dosage of Xanax was coming full speed. So I felt around my other pockets, hoping I had placed a few of my pills in there but I don't think I had.

"What?" Brian cocked his eyebrow, looking at me curiously.

"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath, still rummaging through every pocket, "I don't have my fucking Xanax."

"Is it in the car?"

"No. I didn't bring it, God damn it," I kept complaining aloud.

The waitress walked over with two plates full of food, "Here's for you, sir." She placed a plate with eggs, bacon and sausage in front of me, and I had completely lost my appetite by now.

"Thanks," I muttered, and it probably came out rudely.

Then I saw her place Brian's food in front of him, but before she walked away he grabbed her attention and asked for the check as soon as possible.

"Brian, I'm fine," I snapped, rolling my eyes, "Let's just... eat."

I basically began two fisting my food, shoving bite after bite of unwanted food into my mouth. The rest of the breakfast became silent. I think that Brian had become scared of me lately. Hell, I wouldn't blame him and in all honesty, I'm a little scared of myself.

For a few seconds, I could sense that Brian was looking at me, not knowing what to do or say. Then he slowly put his fork to his plate, and began eating his own food in silence. The waitress walked by, dropping the check off before she went to the next table and I quickly grabbed a few bills out of my wallet and laid them on the table.

"I'll give the tip," Brian went searching for his own wallet but I snapped again, "I got it, Bri."

He sort of backed away, and he knew not to fuck with me. I had been such an asshole to him all day and I didn't even care. What the hell is my problem?

"I'm sorry. I just... I need my Xanax," I was digging deep for excuses, and couldn't find any other besides that.

I put my head in my hands, trying to get my brain to cooperate with me but it just wasn't working.

"I just, I... I got to go home," I sighed.