Chapter 9

“I don’t want to be here…,” I shook my head repeatedly. “I want to leave.”

“AJ. We’re already here. Please… just talk a little bit? It may help you. You never know.” Kevin shrugged.

“I really don’t-“

“Alex McLean,” I was interrupted when I heard my name called from across the room, and saw a young receptionist carrying a clipboard, scanning the room for an Alex McLean.

For a second, I thought maybe I’ll just walk away right now, and she’ll never know.

“Right here,” Kevin lifted his hand so the girl could see who and she smiled in approval, marking something down on her paper.

“Right this way…”

Kevin patted my back, and I had no other choice than to follow the girl into the room.

The room was small and it had two leather sofas facing a small wooden desk, and behind it was a woman no older than 40 with a pair of glasses resting on her nose.

“Hello,” she smiled widely and stuck her hand out, “I’m Anna, and you must be Alex, correct?”

I hated being treated like a fucking kid.

“AJ. My names AJ.”

So I was being a dick? Oh well. I didn’t want to be here. I took a seat in the plush lounge chair, and lazily sunk into it.

“Okay, AJ. How are you?”

“Well… I’m sitting here in your office, so I guess people think I’m not doing too well.”

“But how do you think your doing?” she threw back at me, giving me another smile.

“I think I’m doing pretty shitty. I just lost my kid.”

“Yes,” she gave me a sympathetic look, “I read that in your profile. I’m sorry.”

‘I read that in your profile.’ I laughed to myself. She’s going to give me great advice.

“Look, I’m just here to tell you up front that I’m not looking to hear any bullshit about how and when and why I need to ‘get over this’ and ‘it will get better’ or any of that ‘day by day’ shit because I already know about loss. And I’ve never needed anyone to tell me how to deal with it, alright? I just… do it on my own. I have experience with losing important people in my life. All I truly want, and the only reason I even came here and got out of bed this morning was because I ran of sleeping pills and it would be really great if you could lend me some.”

“Sir, I really can’t do that. I must have a session with you first.”

I thought about it for a minute, and dug deep in my brain to find a smart ass remark to reply back with.

“Well, didn’t we just have one?”

She just looked at me, “Alright. If that’s what you want.”

“It is,” I nodded.

She pulled out her prescription pad from her desk drawer and scribbled some stuff on there, ripped it off the pad and handed it to me.

“I’ll see you next week.”

I faked a smile as best as I could, shook her hand, and quickly walked out to find Kevin still sitting in the same chair waiting, and flipping through an issue of some magazine.

His eyes roamed from the magazine to my face, and it was sort of like he gave me this huge look of disappointment, but at the same time it was comforting. It was hard to explain, but I wasn’t so sure myself.

“You’re done already? What’d you do… cuss her out or something?”

“No, actually I didn’t. I was very polite,” I took the prescription she had given me and waved it in his face, “See?”

He just shook his head, “Well, did you get anything out of it?”

“Yeah, sleeping pills,” I shrugged.

He simply gave me the evil eye. He was apparently looking for a different answer.

“Look, I’m just not ready to talk, okay?” I looked at him.

He didn’t argue with me, which I was glad for. I had done enough of that with Brian the other day, and I sure as hell didn’t need Kevin jumping down my throat either.

And without saying another word, we both quietly and quickly walked out of the offices.

My bedroom door was cracked open, a hint of light was seeping through and I was supposed to be sleeping right now. I opened my eyes and simply stared at the darkness that pervaded the space around me. I was expecting to see something, but nothing.

I could hear hushed voices coming from around the corner, and then I saw Brian’s head pop in but I guess he couldn’t tell that my eyes were really open.

“I’m worried, Kev. That’s all,” his whispered tone echoed through the hall.

“You have to be less hard on him, though. Arguing with him is not going to help anything, you know?”

So Kevin was defending me.

I could hear Brian sigh and still in a little less than a whisper reply, “I know. I didn’t mean to. You know how he gets… and I guess I just blew up.”

“I know, Bri. Believe me, I know.”

Then I could hear them both continue walking down the hall, leaving me to my loneliness. I wondered what Elle was doing right now. Is she happy? I wondered if she’s playing, or maybe she was flying right now.

Everybody has this perspective of Heaven being this amazing place where angels have wings and fly around and are happy for eternity but what if it wasn’t like that? What if Elle wanted to be back here with me? Every time it rained, all I could picture was Elle’s face when she got hurt with tears pouring down her cheeks. Was she okay without her daddy?

I groaned and rolled over, attempting to fall back asleep. It seemed impossible at this point. I had way too many thoughts running through my brain right now. So I continued to lie there, staring at the ceiling, awaiting the morning sun.