The months following Brian’s final rejection were hard on me. I did my birthing classes at home, and Alex spent as much time with me as he could between his meetings and his other obligations. Sarah Martin, Alex’s fiancée, also spent a considerable amount of time helping me as much as she could. I called Roger the day after Alex and I confronted Brian and Leighannne, and as much as it pained me, I quit over the phone.
On November 26, 2002, at exactly 7:41 PM, we welcomed Baylee Thomas Wylee Littrell into the world. Fifteen minutes after he was born, I signed over my rights to Leighanne at Brian’s request. For the second time in my life, I had lost my child.
At 10 that night, everyone was asked to leave the hospital because visiting hours were over. Alex and Sarah promised to come back in the morning, but when they returned, I was nowhere to be found. I left the hospital in the middle of the night, running to the only safe haven I had left: John’s house. I hadn’t seen him since I had quit the station, but I knew that he would never turn me away.
“Mel, honey! What’s wrong? What are you doing out in the rain this late at night? Is everything alright?” John badgered when he saw me standing on his doorstep, soaking wet and crying.
He invited me in, and I told him the basic story, leaving out all the names and major details. I never asked him if he knew who I was talking about and he never mentioned that he knew, so we just left it at that. He asked me to move to Tennessee with him, and knowing I had no other options, I agreed. John had quit his job at the station too, and was finally starting to get serious about his career in Christian songwriting, which was why he had decided to move.
I spent my days alone and depressed, losing more hope every day. Rumors started floating around about John’s sexual orientation, and he started losing jobs because of it. We were finding out that people in the Christian music industry had a hard time accepting gay people, so John asked me to marry him and be his cover. Seeing as I had nothing else to live for, I agreed. I knew I would never fall in love with any man again. Brian had left me broken when he took our son away from me. Every day was grim and dark for me, and I felt the life slowing ebbing away from me.
When John began to become a force to reckon with, we packed up and moved out to L.A., so that we could be closer to a large portion of our potential clients. I spent my days playing the part of John’s dazzling wife and co-writer and my nights alone in my bed, dreaming of a world that no longer existed, reliving my time with Brian over and over again, torturing my soul even more. I also recorded and watched any show that I knew the Boys would be doing just so that I could catch a glimpse of my beautiful son. I don’t know why I continued to torture myself, but, honestly it was like I couldn’t let go no matter how much I wanted to. Despite everything that had happened, I still held on to Brian’s love, with the faintest light of hope barely surviving in my heart.
[b][i]March 2005[/i][/b]
“Honey, I’m having a potential client come home for dinner tonight. He’s already made a name for himself in the mainstream pop world, but now he wants to record a Christian album,” John announced as he got ready to head to the office. Over the last two years, John had made a name for himself as one of the greatest Christian writers in the country. Together, we had written tons of hits for some of the biggest names out there, including Stacie Orrico, Plus One, Newsboys, Rachael Lampa, and many more.
“Alright. I’ll get some material prepared to show him. Any specifics I should include?” I questioned.
“No, just use your judgment,” he called before running through the kitchen and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, finally heading off to work.
I took the opportunity to catch up on some of the shows I had taped of Brian and Baylee. I never even heard the door open or John standing behind me, watching me with a tortured face as I cried myself to sleep on the couch.
He came around the couch, shutting off the TV and pulling a quilt over me. He kissed my forehead softly, whispering words of strength to me, asking me why I continued to torture myself after all these years, before grabbing the cup of coffee he left and leaving for the office once again. Unknown to him, I had woken up the moment he turned off the TV.
Around 3 that afternoon, I found myself down in our basement recording studio, inspired to write a beautiful song.
[i]You say that you’ve had enough
You’re giving up on love
You think that you’ll never trust
Well, I can see
That your heart’s been broken too many times
It was wrong, now it’s locked up so tight
And you’re standing strong
But if you ever fall
Just fall into my arms
I will never hurt you
If you’re ever going to trust this heart
I will be here
To catch you when you fall
I have been watching you
I’ve seen this all before
What you must be going through
Is hard to take
When loves seems so far out of your reach
You don’t want to try
You’re too scared to feel
Too ashamed to cry
If you ever fall
Just fall into my arms
I will never hurt you
If you’re ever going to trust this heart
I will be here
To catch you when you’re falling
Calling
Watching… and waiting
For a time when you find the strength to let go
If you ever fall
Just fall into my arms
I will never hurt you
If you’re ever going to trust this heart
I will be here
To catch you when you fall[/i]
I didn’t even realize how much time had passed until I finally looked at the clock as I finished laying down the final track for the song. I also didn’t realize I was crying until I felt a drop hit my hand as I held the last note on the keyboard. That song reached deep inside me. I was afraid to love again because I felt like I had nothing left to give. I had lost the love of my life. I had lost my son. I had lost everything. The only love I had left in my life was God and John. My mom had died when I was in college, and my dad told me he never wanted to see me again, so I was alone.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I immediately knew it was John telling me that it was time for us to meet with our possible collaborator/client. “Hey John,” I answered.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“I’m down in the basement. I just finished a beautiful song that I think will be a hit. Why don’t you bring the client down to listen?” I suggested.
“Okay,” he agreed.
“Just let me know when you get down here and I will play it for you,” I confirmed, hanging up the phone.
A couple minutes later, I heard John’s voice over the intercom, telling me to go ahead. I put my whole heart into that performance, letting every emotion Brian made me feel come out through my words and the piano. I let go of my control and let all the pain and hurt surface.
When I was done, I was a mess, but the song had been done perfectly. I turned around, wanting to see our future client’s reaction, but it was me who got the shock. Standing next to my husband was none other than Brian Littrell.
I immediately started sobbing, and within a second, John was by my side. “Honey, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I just wanted to try to make things better. I’m tired of watching you torture yourself. I wanted to try to make things right,” John explained, trying to soothe my tears.
“He doesn’t want me, John. He made that perfectly clear,” I cried, looking into his caring brown eyes.
“That’s not true honey. I never would have brought him here if I thought he didn’t care about you. I brought him here because he looks as tortured as you do. He has obviously been beating himself up for what he did to you,” John continued to talk in his calming voice. I looked at John before glancing at Brian quickly. I barely recognized the man standing in front of me. Sure, he still looked the same on the outside, but his eyes mirrored mine with the hollow stare. He looked about as empty inside as I felt. Still, it was all too much for me to take.
“I just can’t, John. I’m sorry,” I whispered before running straight out of the room, up the stairs and outside to the Gazebo. Seeing him so close was too much for me to take, and it scared how much I just wanted him to take me into his arms, kiss me, and make everything better. And what scared me more was that I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from forgiving him again and getting hurt again.
I heard footsteps walking up the steps of the Gazebo and knew John had come to apologize. “I don’t want your apology,” I whispered.
“You deserve so much more,” I heard Brian respond behind me.
I gasped in shock and turned to face him. “What… what are you doing here?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady and calm.
“You ran out of there so quickly, and I wanted to see if you were alright,” he confessed.
“Not here, in the Gazebo… I meant here in my house,” I sighed.
“I’ve been working on my first solo Christian album and everyone has told me that the Williams team is the best when it comes to Christian songs,” he responded.
“Yeah, that is true,” I agreed. I hesitated for a second before saying what was really on my mind. “Brian… I don’t think I can do this,” I admitted.
“I still think about you all the time,” he confessed. “I made the biggest mistake of my life when I walked away from us for the second time. I screwed up so badly that I doubt I could ever make it right, but I want to try.” He paused, clearly choosing his words. “John seems like a nice guy. Does he treat you right?”
“He treats me better than I sometimes think I deserve,” I told him, not ready to admit the truth about John.
“That’s good. You deserve only the best,” he half-smiled. “Still, I can’t help but feel jealous. I know I screwed up, but still, I would give anything to have you back in my life,” he somberly spoke.
“Brian… don’t do this. YOU left ME, remember?” I reminded.
“I was a fool. I hurt the only person who ever really mattered in my life. You were the only person I’ve ever really loved. I loved you from the moment I met you,” he told me, moving closer with every word.
“Brian, stop,” I cried.
“Every night, I relive that night I walked away over and over in my head. Every night, I see your heartbroken face in my mind. Every night, I beat myself up because I lost the only woman I have ever truly loved because I had a moment of weakness… of confusion,” he continued on, making me cry more with every confession.
“Brian, please,” I cried again, begging him to stop.
“Mel, I love you. I love you more than anything in the world, and I would rather die than ever hurt you again. The only thing that keeps me going every day is our son. He gives me hope, and every time I look at him, I see your face smiling back at me. He is the only reason I haven’t given up yet. I know I screwed up… big time… but please just give me a chance to make things right,” he pleaded, falling to his knees, as if begging for his life. I guess, in a way, he was. I didn’t know what to do. I was conflicted and confused. I was also hurt and afraid. I didn’t want to open myself up again to get hurt, but he sounded so sincere.
Finally, I found the courage to ask what I needed to ask, “What about… Leighanne?”
“I thought she was someone other than who she is. The woman I married is not the woman I now call my wife. She has lost everything about her that I used to cherish. She has become heartless, and cruel. She has become so self-involved and fame-seeking. She’s no longer the Leighanne I once knew. I should have figured it out sooner, but I was blinded by what I thought was love for the woman she used to be,” he replied honestly. I could tell he was distraught that the woman he had cared for had been lost so long ago and he had never realized it.
“What do you want from me Brian? I gave everything to you last time and you spit it back in my face. I don’t know how much more I have left to give,” I sighed in defeat.
“All I’m asking for is a chance to make things right. Please, don’t shut me out,” he cried. I watched as tears fell down his face as he begged me for another chance. “Please, Mel. I don’t know what else I can say to change your mind. Please.”
I stood there, faced with the decision that would determine the rest of my life. Either I could let Brian try to make things right, and possibly end up even worse off than I already was, or I could push him away and have the sense of regret and wonder for the rest of my life. Either way, I felt like I would be hurt. And in the end, I would rather be hurt WITH Brian in my life than without.
“Okay,” I conceded. “Okay.”
