He didn’t let himself think, didn’t let himself talk himself out of it. The next thing he rationally remembered was banging away on Leighanne’s door. He’d never been to her condo, but he’d gotten the address from the law firm that had sent the divorce petition she’d sent him. It was a nice enough place, he supposed, but it wasn’t their home. And that was where he wanted her most. Not living an hour away from him and dating some man that was not him.
Brian pounded his fist on her door and rang her doorbell at the same time. When Leighanne pulled open the door, she looked shocked to see him. Even through the haze of hurt fury that coated his vision, he noticed that there was something different about her, and it wasn’t just her different haircut or the clothing she wore.
“Brian! What are you doing here?” Leighanne sounded breathless and surprised.
His response was to wave a packet of papers in her face. “What the hell is this?”
Her brows shot up, and her eyes were wary as she stepped back. “I think you’d better come in, Brian.”
“Damn right, I will,” he shot back and followed her into her home.
He immediately noticed that her new home had the same décor as the home they’d shared. Leighanne’s mark was clearly evident in the mahogany wood of the coffee table, end tables, and furniture trimmings in the parlor that she led him into. The condo smelled like her, too, and tears stung his eyes as he realized how badly he’d missed her scent.
When they were seated, Leighanne folded her hands in her lap and offered him a nervous smile. “Well, I guess this answers my question about whether or not you got the petition.”
“Why?” Brian asked in a pained whisper. “Why are you doing this to us? To me? To Baylee?”
She shook her head sadly. “Brian, I’m not trying to hurt you on purpose. I just think it’s going to hurt worse if we keep dragging this separation out indefinitely. I didn’t think there was a point in holding onto false hope.”
“False hope?” Brian hadn’t thought it possible that his heart could break again and again. But, as he sat there and saw the determined expression on his wife’s face, his heart shattered again. “I thought there was always hope that we’d be together again in the future.”
Leighanne sighed. “I know, and there always will be. But, now, right now, I can’t lead you on like this. I hate knowing that every day that passes with us still apart hurts you. Staying separated isn’t doing either of us any good, and I need you to let go. Not for me,” she added when Brian opened his mouth to retort, “but for you. I want you to move on, to be happy.”
“How can I be happy without you by my side?” He pressed the heels of his hands wearily to his eyes. “I love you, and I can’t get over what we had together quite as easily as you have.”
She shoved to her feet suddenly. “You think I’m over us? Do you really believe that?”
He looked up at her, surprised. “Well…yeah. You’re the one who wanted out, and, according to your fansites, you’re dating someone. What else am I supposed to believe, other than that you’ve moved on from us?”
“Well, I haven’t. I couldn’t.” Leighanne paced her parlor a little. “Brian, I love you, I do. But you have to know that I left before things could go terribly wrong between us. They were headed there, and I just didn’t want you to hate me. I mean, I know you might right now, but, maybe if I explain it to you, you might not hate me as much.”
“I don’t hate you,” Brian said quietly. “And I definitely don’t think we were heading towards anything but more happiness. You’d better explain. Maybe you could start with who this guy is that you’re dating.”
She flushed a little, her cheeks pinking. “Um, his name is Jason.”
Jason. Brian ran the name through his brain and decided he’d hate the guy just on principle. “I see. Where did you meet him?”
“At work. He’s one of the, um, executives at the modeling agency.”
He nodded. “Well, it’s nice to know you’re keeping up with your habit of jumping from one rich man to the next. Good for you.”
Leighanne froze, her skin turning pale instantly. “Is that…is that what you really think?” she asked in a broken voice.
Brian felt ashamed now. No matter what had happened between them, this was the woman who’d loved him for over a decade. “No. I’m sorry, really. I didn’t mean that. I guess I’m just upset enough that things are just rolling off my tongue. I don’t think of you that way.”
She bit her lip nervously before nodding. “It’s okay. I know most of your fans probably think I’m the biggest whore around.”
“You’re not.”
Leighanne shook her head sadly. “I hope not. In any case, Jason and I have been seeing each other for a month and a half. He’s pretty great,” she added. “But, in any case, I guess I’d better give you that explanation I owe you.”
“Yeah, you’d better,” he said and braced himself for what was to come.
She sat again and faced him. “For the last year and a half that we were together, I felt like there was something missing, that we’d lost something vital in our relationship. I felt like you weren’t seeing me for me but more as just your wife, the mother of your child. I was no better. You weren’t Brian anymore, but my husband, the father of my son. That’s all. We weren’t even getting along as well.”
“What? Of course we were.” Brian shook his head, disbelieving. “Name one time where we argued about something. That’s what we’d always prided ourselves on. Not fighting.”
“Maybe it just became easier not to fight,” she murmured then shook her head. “We fought over you wanting to spend more time with Nick, remember? And then, there was that time when I brought Baylee on the Unbreakable tour, so we could be with you. I didn’t want you to take him onstage to see the fans, but you were insisting. Do you remember how big that fight was?”
He was quiet for a moment as he thought it through. “Maybe, yeah. But it wasn’t that big of a deal to me, in the end.”
“When I left with Baylee, two weeks later, we still weren’t talking to each other,” Leighanne reminded him. “I was so angry with you, and I don’t think I ever stopped. The next time I saw you, it was when you came home after the tour.”
“And you told me you wanted out,” he finished. “Were you still angry then? Is that why you wanted the separation? Because you didn’t agree with how I wanted to handle our kid.”
“No. Not entirely. It was just all these little things that were making me realize that maybe our relationship wasn’t good for either of us. Suddenly, I wanted more than I knew you could give me because you’ve got this incredible career, and who would’ve cared for Baylee if both of us were doing what we loved? That alone would’ve torn us apart.” Leighanne clenched her hands together in her lap. “I didn’t want you to get caught in the backlash of all the anger and turmoil that was building up inside of me, so I thought it best if I left.”
“And, now, you don’t think you’ll ever come back,” Brian whispered sadly. “I wish you hadn’t left, Leigh. I wish we’d argued over everything because I really think we were strong enough to get through it together. Maybe we would’ve come out stronger because of it.”
She shrugged, but her expression was grim. “The place I was at, Brian, I don’t think we would have.” She pushed the divorce petition across the coffee table towards him again. “Please don’t drag this out, please. Just sign it and let yourself get on with your life. You might not think so, Brian, but you deserve someone who can give you more than I could.”
He picked up the sheaf of papers and stood slowly. “I think you’re wrong. I think I loved you enough to help you work out whatever it was you needed. Now, we’ll never know.”
Turning away from the sight of tears brimming in her beautiful blue eyes, he clamped down on the urge to smash something to pieces. Instead, he walked straight of her home and into his car. He drove for three blocks before pulling over and resting his head on the steering wheel.
It occurred to him then, that the difference he’d noted in Leighanne wasn’t her physical appearance. No, he realized sadly, she’d looked different because she’d looked happy. And it appalled and depressed him to come to the realization that he hadn’t seen her look happy in too long to count.
***
So I signed the papers. Leighanne was right that, by staying simply separated, we were just dragging out the inevitable. It was hard, harder than anything I’d ever done before, to sign my name on the petition and know that we were ending nearly ten years of marriage.
Everyone was supportive of me and management even took pity on me, letting me off for a week from our recording sessions. I spent that week taking Baylee out to Orlando to go to DisneyWorld. Somewhere, among all the innocent children and the classic Disney characters, the anger I felt towards Leighanne evaporated and left me with just a giant, gaping hole in my heart. I had no idea when or how it would ever heal.
Nick and AJ encouraged me to try dating again, but I couldn’t even imagine myself with another woman, one who wasn’t Leighanne. Nick argued that, if Leighanne could move on, so could I. He was right, I suppose, but, at the time, I couldn’t tolerate the thought of being with anyone else. My world, I decided, would consist of my work and my son.
Then, after spending the weekend with Leighanne in September, Baylee came home full of Jason this and Jason that. My son was captivated by Leighanne’s new boyfriend, and I was stunned. It felt as though Baylee had betrayed me by actually enjoying spending time with Jason. I was now terrified that, as I had lost Leighanne, I would now lose Baylee, too.
Those worries, though, were mostly thrown out the window when, a few weeks later, I actually met Jason Hawkins. He was Leighanne’s age, which put him at six years older than me, and, even though I’d wanted him to be old and balding and ugly, he was anything but. He was also totally likeable, and I knew I could never hate him.
So, there I was, my Christian music career booming, my Backstreet career in progress, and my personal life in tatters. I had no idea what to do with myself, so I buried myself in my work. I did plenty of the intimate church concerts I’d grown to love and spent time in the recording studio with the Backstreet Boys. We’d actually gotten Timbaland to agree to working with us, and things were looking up.
Maybe I missed a few recording sessions here and there, but, I told myself, it wasn’t as though anyone would call me on it. Or so I thought.
Adrift by starbeamz2
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry it's been a while! But, Happy New Year, and this story is up and running again! I hope you enjoy this next chapter...maybe you'll even sort of sympathize with Leighanne...
