A Snuggles Gone Bad  

 Someday they will all see my potential. Sweet, cute, furry and white. “Oh how cute!” They exclaim when they pick me up and rub at my belly. Cute! I’ll show them cute. Cute will be when I am in charge of the whole wide world. Cute will be when they bow down to me and call me their one true God…that is when we shall see what the real meaning of the word ‘cute’ is.  I shall show them cute…when…oh crap, someone’s coming. Great just great!  

“And this one is absolutely adorable.” How dare she call me adorable. Adorable is for meek, small creatures who don’t stand a chance at ruling the world. If I had teeth I would bite this insignificant female. 

“And then you wonder why everyone calls us gay Howie!”

“I’m just saying he’s a cute little bear. I bet Baylee would love it.”

“Why, because he’s adorable? What kind of grown ass man describes a teddy bear as adorable?” Wait a second; this one that is holding me is not a female but a male?

 “Shut up Nicky! Jeez, it’s just a word.” That’s what you think male who talks and acts like a female, but words are more powerful than you can imagine. 

“Howard, you are far too easy to rile up!” The blond with blue eyes is right, Howard, if that is your real name. You cannot possibly be my minion to world domination if you let every little thing rattle you. Follow me and you will be the….AHHH do not throw me like I am some kind of rag. How dare you… 

“Fine, you made your point. You take him then. Maybe you can have a threesome with him or something. I’m out of here!” I am just going to ignore that last statement. Now I have a horrible headache and am a little dizzy. How dare that Howard toss me as if I’m some kind of doll? Blond, you must destroy him now. I don’t care how you do it, of course the more painful the better but still… I’m not picky. 

“Howie, I’m sorry…come back.” Good, lure him back to you and then crush him like a grape! I like you, I shall call you Igor. “Ah well, now what?” I can tell you are coming up with a master plan Igor. I can tell by the well trained look on your face that you are really thinking about how best we can utilize my plan for world domination…oh my God, what is that horrid smell. “I should have never eaten all those tacos last night.” That smell alone will cause tons of people to fall to their knees…good work Igor.  

“Nick, have you seen Howie?” Oh who is this now? Maybe one of your faithful servants Igor? 

“Hey AJ, yeah I did but I managed to piss him off.”

 “What did you do now?”

 “I insulted his bear.” Igor, you mustn’t hold me by my arms. They are fragile and it’s important to not show any signs of weakness. By holding me by my arm, you are showing our enemies…wait what are you doing? “Here you can have him now, I’m bored with him.” You are casting me aside to our enemies? Igor you have betrayed me, okay weird looking one…who is now holding me upside down. You must kill Igor. That is the only way I will have enough faith in you to make you my second in command. Is that nail polish you’re wearing? 

“Where did you get this?”

  “I don’t know. Some fan gave it to Howie to give to Kevin.”

  “Kevin? Didn’t the fans get the memo he isn’t in the band anymore?”

  “I think they are all in a stage of denial, and what are you talking about? I don’t even think you believe Kevin is gone.”

 “I don’t want to talk about it.” Who is this Kevin you both speak about? Maybe he should be the one to help me rule the world. I was meant to go to him. Maybe it was for this bigger purpose. Yes, short, bald, funny looking man, you need to take me to this Kevin person…after you kill Igor of course.  

“I need to go run some errands; you need anything while I’m gone?” You cannot let Igor go, funny looking bald man! 

“What am I supposed to do with this thing?” I am not a thing… funny looking bald man. I am the one who humans like yourself will bow down to and beg for mercy. 

“I don’t know…give it to your dog to hump or something.” And I thought you had potential to be my minion Igor, I am so disappointed in you. Now the funny looking bald man who wears nail polish will have to do, until he can get me to this Kevin person.  

“Maybe I will give it to Kelly, she would like this thing, even though it’s kind of ratty looking.” Ratty looking? Have you looked at yourself lately? Pfft! Ratty looking. Wait until I am in control, then while you beg for your life you can tell me again how ratty looking I am.  

“Yeah, whatever dude. I’ll catch you later!” Now funny looking bald man, you must take me to this Kevin person so this way he can actually…what are you doing? 

“I knew this tee shirt would fit you.”  I cannot possibly be taken seriously wearing this white tee shirt and a red ribbon funny looking bald man. You must take them off of me this instant or I shall incinerate you with my laser gun!  “Now you look presentable enough for Kelly. She’ll just love the heck out of you little fella, maybe I’ll call you Snuggles just like that fabric softener bear.” Snuggles? You can’t call me Snuggles! What kind of ruthless dictator has ever been called Snuggles? Do you think they would have taken Napoleon seriously if he was called Snuggles? What about Stalin?  “Yup, Snuggles it is!” Damn you funny looking bald man and stop kissing my stomach! What is wrong with you?  

“AJ what are you doing?” Yes thank you for saving me. I hope you are Kevin. “Oh hi Rok…nothing, just was getting my present to Kelly all ready.”  

“The bear?”

  “Yup.”

  “You bought her a teddy bear? She doesn’t seem like the teddy bear type.”

 “I’m sure she’ll love it.” Yes she will love me and then I will rip off her head and make you eat it for lunch funny looking bald man.  

“Let me get a better look at that thing.” Thing? I am not a thing, but a sheer force to be reckoned with…hahaha! Stop tickling me…hahaha! I am far to evil a bear to be tickled hahaha! “Are you going to help Boner get lucky tonight little bear?” I shall do no such thing big nosed weird accented person. 

“I don’t need any help from some dumb old bear for that Rok.”

  “Whatever you say AJ.”

  “You get to watch my bear for me though because I have to go take a leak.”

  “I shall guard it with my life.”

 “You do that!”

Okay one that is called Rok…while the funny looking bald man is relieving himself, now is your chance to be rid of him and take me to your king, this Kevin person. “No offense to you bear, but you’re kind of creepy looking.” Yes, you should fear me Rok, for I am your worst nightmare. Maybe I can hypnotize you and make you do my bidding.  “Did you just say something?” He can hear me? Yes! Maybe finally I am starting to get through to these humans! It’s about blessed time! I knew eventually it would happen! Now they shall see…they shall all see! Muhuahahahahahaha! Wait…what are you doing? You can’t just leave me here on the couch all alone! The funny looking bald man told you to watch me!  “Yes honey, I’m sorry for a second I thought the bear was talking to me….long story…I’ll be right there.”

Wait! No!! You mustn’t leave me all alone. Don’t shut off the lights! Snuggles does not like the dark!! AHH now you have me calling myself Snuggles! Damn you all to hell! I am so going to kill all of you some day! Just wait and see… vengeance will be mine!! Oh damn, my little red bow came undone!