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Saturday February 9, 2009


Last night had been so crazy. As soon as Brian had made the phone call everyone bombarded the house. I knew that my first priority was to get to my kids. They were going to have to be told and I wasn't going to let anyone else do it but me. Jerald and Tracy arrived around 7:30 pm. Lexi and Will came in and I just dropped to my knees and pulled them to me. I could see so much of Kevin in them both. Lexi with her dark hair and emerald green eyes, Will, he looked just like Kevin's baby pictures.

"Mama." Lexi quietly spoke. "What's wrong, why is everyone here?"

I stood and led them to the couch. I pulled them into my lap and took a deep breath. Mama Anne came and sat down next to us. How do I start? What do I say?

"Lexi, Will. You know that your daddy loves you very much, right?"

They both shook their heads.

"You know that your daddy would never do anything to hurt either of you right?"
Again they nodded. Lexi's lip began to tremble.

"Mommy, where's my daddy?" A tear escaped her eye as she scanned the room, looking at everyone, but not finding Kevin.

"Daddy's in California Lex, remember mama said so." Will puffed his chest feeling proud about answering the question his big sister had asked.

"Shut up Will, I didn't ask you?" Lexi turned and stared at Will.

"Now Lexi, that's not nice. Your right Will, I did tell you that daddy was in California. I'm so sorry." A tear fell from my eyes. "I'm so sorry I lied to you both, but mommy has some very sad news. See, Daddy went flying the other day, the day you went to Jerald and Tracey's."

"Yeah, he said that I could ride my pony when he got back." Lexi crossed her arms in front of her chest as she realized the promise that had been broken.
"Now Lexi, you know that your daddy would never break a promise to you without a good reason, right?" she nodded. "Baby, there was an accident, daddy's plane crashed."

I saw the fear in both of their eyes before the tears began.

"WHERE'S MY DADDY!" Lexi screamed thru the tears. Will just covered his eyes and cried falling into Mama Anne's arms.

"Lexi, settle down." I tried to hold her.

‘NO, WHERE'S MY DADDY!!!" Again she screamed and hopped from my lap placing her hands on her hips and staring at me.

"Lexi, baby, I'm sorry, they couldn't find daddy." I whispered.

"Is he dead?" Will looked up and asked in a scared voice.

"DON'T YOU SAY THAT WILL, YOUR JUST STUPID, DON'T YOU SAY THAT, MY DADDY IS NOT DEAD." Lexi began to run around the room going to everyone standing there.



"Uncle Brian, please you gotta find my daddy." Brian's tears falling, knowing he couldn't help her.

"Uncle Nick, Please." I stood to go to Lexi.

"No mama, NO. Uncle Alex, Uncle Howie." Lexi pleaded with each one. I took her in my arms as she broke down.

"No mama, no. He can't be dead. He told me I could ride my pony." Hours passed as she cried and pleaded with everyone to help. Will just stayed in Mama Anne's lap holding her and crying. Finally Lexi and Will fell asleep. Nick and Brian helped carry them to their rooms. I just sat on the couch surrounded by everyone not knowing what to do next.

"Cass." Mama Anne spoke first. "Honey, you need to get some rest."

"I can't, I can't go back in that room." I sat numb not knowing where the future would lead, what was I supposed to do or say. We had people to tell, the public had to be told.

I knew then that it was time to snap to and handle things for Kevin. He would want me to be strong and make sure that everyone was taken care of.
"Mama Anne?"

"Yes Cass?"
"I would like for you to go with me tomorrow, I'll need to go to the police station and sign the papers they have, then I need to go to the funeral home and make arrangements."
"But Cass." She began.

"I know, but I want a memorial service for him. Here at the stream. I will have a marker put next to Scottie's. I sure that's what Kevin would want. Brian, I need you to call the managers and get them on board. I want Sarah Campbell here. I will call her myself. We will do a press conference on the 12th and a memorial on the 14th. That gives us enough time to arrange everything. Nick, Howie, Alex and Brian, I would like for you to be with me at the press conference. They need to see you boys and Brian, I would like it if you would read a statement. I will not answer any questions but I will have a statement prepared."

"Cass, honey." Mama Anne stood.

"No, I only want the immediate family here for the memorial. No press, no outsiders, no management or producers. NO ONE." My voice emphasizing my last request.

"Cass, honey, you've got to get some rest." I heard Lisa speak.

"Lisa, I know that you are concerned." I turned to look at everyone. "That all of you are concerned and I appreciate it, but I have to do this for Kevin. He deserves to be remembered and I'm going to give him that. I'll rest afterwards. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time. I mean." I began to sob. "It's not like, like I'll be going on tour, or going to California to see him perform, or go with him to Orlando to take a break at the other house." My crying became uncontrollable as I thought about all the things we'd never do again. I slid to the floor. I felt arms wrap around me and we all cried. Nothing was going to be the same without Kevin.

Cierra brought me a cup of tea and we all continued talking into the night about what needed to be done. Brian and Leighanne asked if they could stay the night with me to help with Will and Lexi. Tyler was staying with Jackie and Harold. Brian was going to lock up and I headed to our bedroom to try and get some sleep.

As I walked thru the door I felt a sense of total loneliness, I closed the door behind me. I slowly walked to the dresser and reached for my pajamas when I saw Kevin's shirt in on the chaise lounge. I grabbed it and a pair of his boxers and went to the bathroom to get a shower. As I stood in the shower I let all my emotions go. I cried for Lexi and Will, how would they ever know what a wonderful man and father Kevin was. I cried for the loss I was feeling. I knew I would never love again the way I loved Kevin. I had given everything to him. I knew I had nothing left to give. I climbed out of the shower and dried off. I pulled his shirt over my head taking in his scent. I ran a brush thru my hair and turned out the light heading back into the bedroom. I crawled into the bed, that bed. The one that we spent our first night in as husband and wife, the one I gave myself to Kevin completely, where we spent all of quite time, where we made love, where Lexi and Will would come in and snuggle with us. It would never be a happy place for me again. I pulled his pillow to my chest and rested against the headboard. I could see the moonlight reflecting off the stream and the breeze rustling the branches of the willow. Our place, the place we would always find each other.

February 12, 2009

An MTV camera crew has been set up inside one of the private boardrooms at St. Joseph's Hospital in Lexington, KY. Sarah Campbell is so apprehensive and saddened by the topic of the interview she is about to hold. She has been granted the sole rights to the story, but she knows it's not a story that will bring joy to anyone, however it must be told........."Good Morning, I'm Sarah Campbell with MTV, reporting live from St. Joseph's Hospital in Lexington Kentucky. I am here today with 4 member of the Backstreet Boys and Cassidy Richardson wife of Kevin Richardson." The camera panned around showing everyone at the table. "I was contacted late yesterday by Cassidy Richardson asking that she be allowed to make and announcement and answer some questions for us today. Cassidy, if you would."

" Thank you Sarah, Brian?" Cassidy turned to her left where Brian sat; she knew she had to be strong, so many were counting on her. Kevin needed her to do this and she was not going to let him down. She knew how much Kevin loved his fans and this was something that had to be done, they deserved it.

"I will begin with a statement from the Richardson and Backstreet Family." Brian began; tears began to fill Cass's eyes.

"It is with deepest sadness that we are here today to announce the passing of Kevin Scott Richardson. On January 30, 2009 the plane being piloted by Mr. Richardson went down near the Cumberland Mountains, on the Eastern Edges of Kentucky. Mr. Richardson was the only passenger in the plane. Search and rescue crews have searched the area and have found no sign of survival. Mr. Richardson leaves behind a wife Cassidy, a daughter Alexandria and a son William, as well as his mother, brothers and the 4 members of the Backstreet Boys whom he considered his family. We ask that the fans respect the privacy of the family and allow them time to grieve. A memorial website will be set up by Jive Records for anyone wishing to extend their sympathy to the family. Kevin loved all of his fans and will be truly missed. Thank You." Brian folded the piece of paper and placed it in front of him as he took Cass's hand in his. You could see the tears in everyone's eyes as the room became silent.

"Cass, have arrangement's been made".

"Yes, we will be holding a private ceremony in Kentucky on February 14, attended by immediate family members only.

"Cass, I just want to say from all of us at MTV how truly we sorry are for your loss. Kevin will be greatly missed." A video clip of Kevin thru the years played along with Never Gone.

We went back to the cabin, everyone was waiting on us and we were going to watch the rerun of the news conference together. We all thought that it had gone perfectly and the news reports started flying. The radio stations began playing memorial songs and taking calls from fans. The boy's cell phones began to ring as well as our house phone. People offering their condolences and asking if there was anything they could do. The boys handled the calls for me. I just wasn't ready to talk to a lot of people.

Thursday February 14, 2009


"Well boo, Happy Valentines Day." I said sitting on our bed holding the framed picture of him, the one that would be placed on the table during the memorial service. We had decided to hold a service at the church and then come back for a private ceremony at the stream. "I can't believe in a few hours I'd have to say goodbye. But you must know that it's not really goodbye, not for me." I traced his face in the frame, I heard a knock on the door.

"Come in."

"Cass, it's time the cars here." Mama Anne came and stood beside me.

"How do I do this?" I said, looking up into her tear filled eyes.

"One second at a time honey." I stood and we hugged.

The service at the church was beautiful. There were so many flowers and the boys sang. I'm not sure where they found the strength, but I really felt they wanted to honor Kevin this way. They all broke down in the arms of their spouses when the retook their seats. Lexi and Will sat between Mama Anne and me. There were fans everywhere outside the church. They didn't yell or scream and didn't try to interfere in the service. They stood silently holding posters with Kevin's pictures on it; some held candles other's held things that meant something to Kevin. I was comforted to see them missing him and wanting to share their sadness with ours. I wanted to speak to them and tell them that Kevin would have appreciated their kindness and concern, but I couldn't' speak. The car ride back to the house was so quiet. I sat holding my two children, staring out the window. I thought back to the first time Kevin brought me to Kentucky. Boy how my life had changed. This was now home, no more fears of being here, now only the fear of being here without him. Slowly the cars made their way towards the stream. As we pulled thru the gate I stared out the front window. I could see the willow tree standing tall and shading the place where we would say goodbye. My mind flashed back to the day we got married. I could see him standing there smiling at me. At least that memory would help overshadow the sorrow. We all gathered around the willow. There next to Scotties was a new marker. One I had hoped I would never see. Kevin Scott Richardson, October 3, 1971-January 30, 2009. Beloved Husband, Father, Son and Brother, Forever Remembered, Forever Missed, and Forever Loved.

The minister said such beautiful words. Speaking of heaven and how blessed we were to have had Kevin in our lives. Each one of the boys took time to speak of Kevin and how much they would miss him. Tim and Jerald both spoke and then Mama Anne, then it was my turn.

"Well, I'm not going to stand here and tell you all that this is goodbye, I will never say goodbye to Kevin. He was the love of my life, my everything, I'm not sure how I will go on with out him here beside me, but I know that he is here." I placed my hand on my heart. "He will always be here, he told me so. His memory cannot be replaced nor do I want it replaced. He taught me what it was like to truly be loved. He was my everything, so there will be no goodbyes, only a recommitment to him." I turned and knelt by the stone, I took the necklace and ring and placed it at the foot of the stone. "Always yours boo, yours and yours alone." I kissed my hand and placed it on the stone. A prayer was said and we walked back towards the house.

AJ, Cierra, Brian and Leighanne were all staying the night at the house and Nick, Lisa, Howie and Susie went back to Nick and Lisa's. As we said our goodnights I went to make sure that the kids were tucked in bed. Lexi had put the CD Kevin had made her on to play; Kevin's piano solo was playing.

"I miss hearing daddy play." She said as she saw me in the doorway. Will was asleep. I walked over and sat on the edge of her bed.

"I do too Lex. But you'll always have a piece of daddy right here." I placed my hand on her heart.

"And you will to." She said placing hers on mine. "I love you mommy." She said reaching up to hug me.

"I love you too princess." I got up and walked out pulling the door behind me and falling back to the door. I felt a tear run down my face and then I heard it.

That voice. His laughter.

"KEVIN." I ran towards the sound. As I approached the music room I could hear him. My heart was pounding so hard. I threw the door open.

"CASS." Brian jumped and turned when he heard the door.

"Brian?" I stood there staring at the T.V. the video of Kevin playing; it was one that they had put together for his birthday.

"Cass, I'm so sorry." He stood up.

"It's ok Brian, it's just I thought." I put my hands on my chest. The pain was killing me.

"Cass, I just." He stopped.

"I know Bri, it's hard. I can't believe I'll never hear his voice again, or feel his touch. I'll never get to hear him call me darlin' or Lexi princess or Will caboose. I know Brian, I know." We embraced each other.

"I'll turn it off." He said as he reached for the remote.

"No, can I watch it with you?" He nodded and we sat holding each other watching the life of Kevin, but only bits and pieces. "That's when I told Brian my idea of having this interview with you today Sarah."

As we sat and watched, memories flooded my mind. I loved seeing Kevin and the kids. If anything I knew we would have these memories to look back on. The video ended with a family picture that we had taken by the stream. Kevin was sitting next to the willow with me sitting next to him and Lexi and Will in our laps. I stood and walked over to the TV and began to trace Kevin's face on the screen. Brian mashed pause on the remote, I heard movement behind me, I could hear breathing behind me.

"You know Brian, I never knew that this kind of love existed, but it does, and I was blessed enough to have him for these last 8 years. What did I do Brian? What did I do to deserve the chance to have him in my life?"

"You loved me Cass, you just loved me."