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Our cheeks burned with the chill of Maine’s late December air. I tucked my fingers deep into my pockets. All of us piled into the rental and headed towards the cabin that Nick had reserved. It took us a good hour to drive up to the cabin. The scenery was amazing as we drove through the mountainous terrain. Our cabin was higher in altitude and the roads were treacherous as the snow whipped around the car.

“This wind fuckin’ sucks, man,” Nick’s grip on the steering wheel whitened his knuckles. “It’s getting really hard to keep the stinking car on the road.”

“Just take it slow, Nike.” AJ patted his shoulder from behind. Howie’s grip on the passenger side handle matched that of Nick’s.

“I’m not a shoe, Aje.”

“But you smell like one,” he snickered, trying to help relax the mood.

“Slow and steady...slooooow and steadyyyy,” Howie nodded quietly.

“OH SHIT!!!” Nick screamed as the brakes squealed. The car spun on the ice, as he tried to avoid the gigantic…THING…in the middle of the road.

“What the hell is that thing?!?” AJ squinted to see. It was pitch black and whatever was in the road was dark as well, making it hard to decipher what it was.

“I…I’m pretty sure that’s a moose,” Nick answered with his hands still glued to the steering wheel.

“SWEET!” AJ flung open the car door. “I want pictures!!!”

“Thank God we didn’t hit it! The car would have been totaled,” Howie slipped out of the car. We all stood, in the cold, watching the enormous animal walk off the road and back into the woods.

“I’ve never seen a live moose before,” I shivered as the animal disappeared from our sight. “That moose was huge! Are they ALL that big?”

“Actually, I’ve seen bigger ones,” Nick informed me as we all climbed back into the car. “Hey look, there’s another one up the road. See it?”

“This is so cool!” AJ and I blurted loudly.

“Maine was a good choice, Nick,” Howie smiled as the car began moving again. “It’s definitely beautiful out here.”

“Cold, though. Cold but beautiful,” AJ nodded as a shiver shook his body. We finally pulled up to see our log cabin.

“The cabin is awesome, Nick!” my eyes lit up as it came into full view. It was one of those REALLY nice log cabins and it was pretty decently sized, too. Pine trees completely surrounded the cabin. There was also a frozen brook along one side.

“It’s nice and rustic. Gorgeous scenery, too…very Christmas-y. Leigh is going to be jealous of me!”

“Well, I am glad you guys like it because you would have to stay even if you didn’t,” Nick popped open the trunk and we all started grabbing bags. “The guy said he would have it unlocked for us and the key would be on the table in the entry.” Sure enough, he was right.

“Yo, AJ!” Howie’s voice called from the porch step.

“Yeah?” AJ looked up from where he was rummaging in the trunk. He stumbled back a little as he got pelted in the chest with a snowball. “DAMN IT D!” Bending over, he made a snowball of his own, but when he threw it, Howie ducked. The snowball sailed in through the open door and hit Nick in the back of the head.

“Who threw that?!?” he came storming out onto the porch and immediately spotted AJ’s look of disbelief. “YOU!”

“No, well yeah, but not on purp…” SPLAT! AJ got it right in the face! I busted out laughing as I watched the older men start furiously pelting each other with snowballs. I was so busy laughing at them that I didn’t even see the one headed right toward me until I ended up with an earful of snow! Let me tell you what…that is even worse than a wet willy!

“OH now THAT was uncalled for!” I looked up to see the three men baring wide grins. They all brought up their arms at the same time and flung large snowballs at me. I ducked and covered my head but it did me no good. I was covered in snow!

“Well, time for some hot cocoa,” AJ dusted off his arm and quickly made his way into the cabin.

“I second that!” Nick smiled as he and Howie followed AJ before I even had the chance to retaliate. Typical. They can dish it but they can’t take it! How rude. Making my way into the cabin, I slipped off my coat and boots. Spotting a phone on the wall, I walked over and dialed Mason’s cell number.

“Hyello,” his voice sounded chipper.

“Hey, Mase,” I answered. “How are you.”

“O my god,” his voice became hushed. I could hear him moving around. “My dad is going postal over here because he can’t get a hold of you guys! He’s talking about calling the cops!”

“Are you serious? Hasn’t he done enough damage?” I scoffed with a roll of my eyes.

“Where are you?”

“Maine.”

“WHAT? You guys skipped state?”

“We just came out for a few days as a Christmas vacation. We are going back Thursday. Is there something wrong with that?”

“Technically, no, but you know my dad is going to make it out like Nick is trying to run off with you. That’s not going to look good for you guys in court.”

“Do you know why your dad is trying to take me from Nick?”

“I, uh…well…no.” he stumbled over his words, still keeping it barely above a whisper. I rolled my eyes and sighed. It wasn’t that hard to tell when Mason was lying…he wasn’t very good at it.

“Come on Mase, don’t lie to me. I can tell that you know something.” I pushed for an answer.

“Mason, who are you talking to?” I faintly heard Kevin’s voice.

“Baylee. I found out why he isn’t home,” Mason began to explain.

“MASON!” I began to panic. Why would Mason rat me out? This was going to be bad.

“Hold on, Baylee, okay?” he asked politely before going back to talking with his dad. “He is spending the night at a friend’s house.”

“On Christmas? Then where is Nick?” Kevin’s voice sounded like he was irritated.

“Yes, on Christmas. And, Nick is probably at home but just not answering the phone, dad. Come on, like he really wants to talk to you. You’re lucky that any of us are talking to you.”

“Don’t you talk to me like that!” Kevin’s voice roared. I could picture his face, in my head, turning shades of red and purple.

“Seriously,” Mason sighed, “you are being ridiculous and it seems like everyone knows it but you. Why can’t you just stop? You and mom have done nothing but fight since you started all of this.”

“Maybe I should call you back,” I sputtered but Mason didn’t hear me. Mind you, I wasn’t opposed to hearing what Mason thought of the whole thing. I was a bit surprised though because I have never heard Mason talk back to his dad! My ears were hearing words come for Mason’s mouth but my mind was in denial that it was actually Mason saying them.

“The arguments between your mother and I are none of your business. Now I suggest that you get to writing that report I told you to do.”

“You are the only father on the planet that makes up school work for their kids to do on CHRISTMAS EVE!!!! And you wonder why no one can stand you,” Mason huffed. “Anyways, Bay, you were talking about Nick’s reaction to this crap my dad is pulling.”

“I was?” It took me a minute to catch on. “Oh yeah, Nick is livid over the whole thing. Frankly, so am I.”

“Don’t you turn your back to me young man!” Kevin’s voice boomed once again.

“I think everyone is,” Mason ignored his father and continued his conversation with me. I was getting the impression that Mason was just as peeved at his dad as we were.

“Your mom and dad have been fighting?”

“Yes, my mom and KEVIN have been fighting.” Mason emphasized the fact that he was calling his father by his first name.

“MASON!” Hearing the angered voice confirmed that Mason did it on purpose. It seems as if Kevin is managing to push everyone away from him. I wonder why? Does he really want all of us to hate him?

“You know what, Baylee. I am going to let you go so that I can go ahead and finish this battle with my biological…uh…you know what he is.”

“Alright. Call me later.”

“Oh, trust me, I will. Bye, Bay.”

“Bye Mason.” I hung up the receiver and turned to find three pair of eyes on me. I rolled my eyes, shaking my head as I stood to walk into the living room. I took a look around at the interior decoration of the cabin. It was very rustic. There were moose and deer decorations everywhere and the chandelier even had outlines of the animals.

“Kevin having problems with Mason now?” AJ finally piped up from behind me, asking the question that all three of them were dying to find the answer to.

“Yeah and, evidently, with Kris, too.” I shrugged my shoulders as I continued to slowly walk around the room. I stopped at the mantel over the fireplace. Picking up one of the small figurines, I turned to glance at them.

“Oooo, do I detect the possibility of the ‘D’ word?” Howie gasped. His eyes were wide as he looked at me for an answer to his question.

“How do you expect me to know? Mason said he would call later, though.”

“Who’s hungry? They have the refrigerator and stuff all stocked up for us!” Nick swiftly changed the subject as he looked around the room at each of us.

“Way to shift the mood, Carter,” AJ snickered as everyone bombarded the kitchen. Howie started putting together a salad, Nick prepared us some chicken, AJ was fixing up some potatoes and corn, while I set to work on a dessert.

“Hey, this is pretty good, Aje,” Nick spoke with a mouth full of potatoes.

“Mmm, the chicken ain’t too bad either,” Howie smiled as he reached across for the salt. The rest of our dinner passed with hardly any talking. Everyone just enjoyed the food and each other’s presence. After dinner, I headed up to the loft, where I would be sleeping. I sighed as I heavily plopped onto the small, twin sized bed.

“Now where did I pack that journal?” I asked myself as I dug into one of my duffel bags. Easily locating it, I pulled it out and opened it up to the book marked page.

June 16, 2005

Journal –

It’s been a few days since I have had the chance to sit and write but my brain has not stopped. The Tahoe is still in the shop and Leighanne is upset that she has to drive the Blazer. She was complaining about something to do with the brakes or something…I don’t know, honestly, I was kind of tuning her out. Stress levels have been increasing lately and I am about to loose my mind.

Nick dropped by again today, to visit. He took Baylee out for a movie and Happy Meals so that I could get some work done. Thank goodness, too, because Leighanne gave Baylee Coco Puffs this morning with chocolate milk and he is on a sugar buzz from the depths of you know where! She knows that Coco Puffs and chocolate milk, together, make him hyper but I guess she didn’t care because she was leaving him with me. No matter, Nick was more than willing to help Baylee wear it off. Sure enough, he brought Baylee back to me…ASLEEP!!!!!! I was elated!

Okay, but we need to talk about dear AJ. Just like we did with Howie, we will start with the pros. Okay so he………..well…….okay, I’m stumped. AJ is, pretty much, everything that you wouldn’t, typically, want in a guardian. He is wild and rebellious, he is covered in tattoos, he constantly dyes his hair, he is not exactly the most responsible person, and he has battled with alcohol, drugs and depression. Sigh. The thing with AJ is that I really have no idea. He has struggles within that he needs to lie to rest.

If he received Baylee, I know he would make changes. I know he would care for Baylee, protect him, and love him. But, AJ needs structure and he just doesn’t have anyone to give him that, right now. AJ is a wonderful man and he is the biggest softy of the group but I just can’t put Baylee in his hands.

My heart goes out to AJ. At the risk of sounding dumb…all he really needs is love. Someone to make him WANT to make changes in himself, someone who encourages him to be a better man, someone who cares for him, that he can lean on for support, someone who can help him see the strength he has inside of himself. Granted he has us guys, but he needs more. I love AJ and it’s not that I think he would fail at being Baylee’s guardian. I just don’t think he needs the added pressure. Someday, when the timing is right and he is ready, he will make a GREAT father but I think putting Baylee into his hands may do more damage than good. Not to Baylee, but to AJ.

Does any of that make sense? It does in my mind. See, I have to think of what’s best for Baylee, but I also have to consider what is best for the person being given the guardian title. I think it would be too much for AJ to handle, right now. I hope that doesn’t sound mean, like I don’t trust AJ because I do! I really do! But I just…I don’t think he is emotionally ready for the pressures of being a guardian. He needs more time to heal.

I guess, I have officially ruled out AJ, at least, for now. I’m sure he will help to raise Baylee because he really does adore my son. I think it will work better that way…AJ can still be a major part of Baylee’s life and they can learn from each other and be close without overwhelming AJ. So, there it is…I am still leaning towards Howie.

I would discuss Nick, but I am quickly developing a headache. So, I will have to talk about blondie next time. Off to bed I go. Good night!

- Brian Thomas Littrell

I looked over at AJ, who had come up to the loft when I was, about, halfway through reading the entry. Tilting my head to the side, I stared at his sleeping body, in the bed on the other side of the loft. I love AJ with all my heart but I can’t say I fully disagree with my dad. Of course, I am sure AJ was I bit different then. I appreciate the relationship I have with AJ and don’t think it would have been the same if he were my guardian.

I sighed softly as I looked at the clock. It was a little past midnight, now. I yawned widely but decided to read on. Flipping to the next page, I cuddled deeper into my blankets and continued to read in the soft light from the lamp.