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July 20, 2005

Journal –

What kind of a blind moron am I? Tell me. How is it, that a man can pray day and night for a sign from God, but completely miss it when it comes? I can’t believe I have been so oblivious! God has done everything short of appearing to me and flat out saying ‘Brian you need to choose Nick’! What was I looking for? Was I expecting the clouds to part and God to show his face to me? Seriously!

Here, Nick has been by my side through all of this. He has supported me. Anytime he thought I needed a break, he would take Baylee out and spend the entire day with him. Out of all the guys, Nick spends the most time with Baylee. When all of the other guys bring Baylee back to my arms they are exhausted, irritated, grouchy, or just ready for me to take him home, but not Nick. Nick will spend the day running around the zoo with Baylee and bring him back, just to play trains in Baylee’s room. Nick sits and watches Blue’s Clues and Diego with Baylee on Saturdays. The others roll their eyes and try to change the channel! Nick sings the VeggiTales’ songs WITH Baylee! They both know every single one, by heart! Nick will draw out a game of ‘Hide and Seek’ for hours on end, just to keep Baylee occupied…but Nick LOVES it just as much as Baylee, when anyone else just groans and tries to get out of it.

Then, Nick and the sunscreen thing! That’s the maturity coming out in him. And, when he stood up to Kevin over a LIFE JACKET!!!! The other day, when they went for Happy Meals, Baylee came home crying because Nick wouldn’t let him have the toy. Nick told me that Baylee couldn’t have the toy until after he ate dinner that night because he didn’t eat all his nuggets! Oh, and THEN, I was standing in the kitchen talking with Nick when Baylee asked for a cookie. Nick continued talking to me and handed Baylee a banana instead…a BANANA!! Nick gave Baylee a BANANA because, and I quote, ‘it’s healthier’. Healthier? Coming from Nick? Talk about a slap upside the head and I MISSED it!

How many times does God have to beat me with a stick before I say ‘ouch.’? I have been completely agitated with myself over this. I pray for a sign and He gave me more than I can count. I’m just glad that the message FINALLY penetrated my thick skull!

So, anyways, I went in today and put Nickolas Gene Carter on that little dotted line. It’s official…if anything ever happens to me and Leighanne, Nick will be Baylee’s guardian. I’m just not sure how I am going to tell Nick about this. Hopefully, he will take it well. All I know is that I am sure this is what God wants me to do. Nick can be a bit stubborn though, not to mention, thick headed. It will be interesting. Seeing as he doesn’t want kids of his own, I’m not sure how he’ll react to the idea of “fathering” Baylee, if it’s ever needed. I’m going to wait a little bit and let the dust, in my head, settle. When the time is right, I will just have to sit Nick down for a long heart to heart.

- Brian T. Littrell

P.S. – Thank you my good Lord for answering prayers, even if I am too dumb to realize it!



I blinked rapidly, as I just stared down at the page. Wow. I didn’t know what else to think, except, wow. I never realized that Nick and I were so close when I was that young. I wasn’t even three yet! I remember being close to Nick when I was a bit older, around 7, 8 and 9. I had also seen plenty of pictures of Nick and I, when I was really little, but I didn’t realize our friendship ran so deep when I was that young. Good grief, what’s the age difference?!?

“Say words,” AJ’s sleepy voice chimed after his phone rang.

“I found it,” I told him in a soft voice. I admit it: I was a bit emotional over the whole thing. Mind you, I wasn’t CRYING or anything, but I was worked up about it.’

“Found wha…OH! Really?!? I’m on the way over.” I just stared at the phone after he abruptly hung up. I rolled my eyes and pulled on a shirt before heading downstairs. As I reached the bottom floor, I saw a soft glow coming from Nick’s office. I slowly pushed open the door and stood in the doorway, watching him type on the computer. Staring at him, I thought about the things my father had written in his journal.

“Nick?” I finally spoke in a soft tone. He shifted his eyes, to look at me.

“What are you still doing up, Bay?”

“AJ is on his way over…” I locked eyes with him as he stood. Slowly making his way around the desk, he approached me with concern etched on his facial features.

“Is something wrong, Bay? You can talk to me.”

“No, nothing’s wrong. Things are actually looking right, for a change.”

“I’M HERE! BAYLEE! LET ME SEE IT!!” AJ was shouting as he rounded the corner. He looked from me, to Nick, then to the journal that was clutched in my hand.

“See what?” Nick looked at me with confusion.

“Let’s go to the living room and I will explain it all.” With that, the three of us headed into the living room, where we found Howie passed out on the couch. Nick flipped the TV off and AJ shook Howie’s shoulder, to wake him.

“What’s going on?” Howie questioned as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“I found this in my parents’ things. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, but I have been reading it a lot lately and there are some things I want you guys to hear…” I stood by the fireplace, facing the three men that slouched on the large couch. I began to read to them the entry that I had just finished. Nick’s face was blank as he just stared at me. His eyes were wide and his jaw was in his lap as I finished reading what was said about him.

“Sounds, to me, like Brian made the right choice,” Howie nodded with a smile. Reaching over to Nick, Howie placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I agree,” AJ nudged Nick in the ribs, but Nick remained in the same position, with the same blank stare. So, I looked down and began reading the next entry. I hadn’t read this one, so I wasn’t sure what was to come, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.


July 28, 2005

Journal –

I haven’t worked up the nerve to tell Nick, yet. I am a little worried that he will refuse the ‘job’. Nick doubts himself too much and I’m sure he is going to question my decision. Maybe, it’s best to not tell him at all. I mean, what is the likelihood of him needing to assume the role, anyways?

Why does this whole thing have to be so hard? And, why do I feel such a strong need to work all the kinks out? Maybe God is hitting me, upside the head, with more signs than I am realizing…but, I would rather not think about that possibility. I love Nick and his name is the one that God wanted on that line, so that’s just the way it’s going to be.

Someday, I will tell Nick, but not now. Nick is too insecure about himself and he lets Kevin get to him too much, when he really shouldn’t. I’m not sure what it is, but something is going on with Kevin and, whatever it is, it’s not a good thing. Now that I have a name in the will for Baylee’s guardian, my new mission is to figure out what has gotten into Kevin lately. I have a feeling that this is a can of worms that I am going to dread opening!

For now, I can rest peacefully, knowing that Nick’s name is in the will. I feel a sense of security, now, that I didn’t have before. I have a lot of confidence in this decision and I have slept GREAT since I made it! Now, I am off to another wonderful night’s sleep!

- Brain Thomas Littrell



“So, do you think it will help in court?” I asked looking at AJ.

“You know, I think it will help A LOT!” AJ grinned as he stood up to give me a hug. Nick still looked frozen. I would give ANYTHING to be able to read his mind, right now. It took him a few minutes to snap out of it.

“Ca…can I…can I look at that?” he shook his head as he stumbled over his words. He swallowed hard as he stood and walked towards me. His hand looked like it was shaking as he reached out to grab the journal that I held out for him. His eyebrows scrunched as he ran his fingers over the binding and cover.

“You okay, Nicky?” Howie asked, snaking an arms over his shoulders.

“I…I guess I…” Nick let out a long sigh, “I guess I didn’t realize Brian thought so highly of me. I mean, I know we were best friends and all, but…”

“You’re one of a kind Nick…a real gem,” AJ chuckled while wiggling his eyebrows at Nick. Nick just gave him a ‘don’t start’ look and opened up the journal.

“I didn’t remember that we were so close when I was that young, Nick. I remember things from the years right before I lost mom and dad, but not THAT far back. I was unaware that you…well…you were my best friend.”

“The sad thing is, I think I still remember some of those songs,” Nick chuckled loudly. “If you like to talk to tomatoes…”

“If a squash can make you smile…” a smile broke out on my lips as I saw the other two men roll their eyes.

“O Lord, I thought we were past this crap,” AJ flung himself back onto the couch with a long sigh. This just caused Nick’s smile to grow as he continued with the song.

“If you like to waltz with potatoes…” Nick sang a little off tune.

“…up and down the grocery isle…” I grinned as we flung our arms around each other.

“Have we…got a show…for YOU!” we chimed together before busting, at the seams, with laughter.

“Ooookay,” Howie raised his eyebrows and backed further away from us, “I think it’s about time for me to go to bed.”

“Yeah…I think I’m with D. on this one,” AJ nodded.

“EEEEEEEEEW! You’re nasty!” I scrunched my nose causing Nick to look at me and burst into hysterics.

“BAYLEE!” Howie’s eyes came close to popping out of his head.

“What? AJ’s the one who said he was ‘with you’ on going to bed,” Nick gasped as he sat in one of the chairs to continue laughing. AJ just looked at me with a cocked eyebrow.

“Hey, I learned from the best. You guys have no one to blame but yourselves.”

“That’s gross, BayBay. I meant…I was with him on the CONCEPT of going to bed…not…uck…”

“Face it AJ, even if we WERE gay, you wouldn’t be able to handle being my bitch anyways,” Howie snickered.

“Wha…” AJ scoffed as he turned to face Howie. “I don’t even want to think about that kind of thing.” AJ’s shoulders visibly shuddered as he began walking towards the front door. “Good night, guys.”

“Night, JayJay,” I waved. He closed the door, shaking his head. “I think I am going to head up to my room. I’m pretty tired. But, Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“We’ll talk in the morning, okay?”

“You got it. Sleep well, Baylee,” he smiled at me warmly.

“Good night, Nick. Night, Howie.”

“Night.”

I headed up to my room. Crawling into bed, I realized that I left the journal with Nick. I decided, that might actually be a good thing, and I snuggled under my covers. Sleep quickly consumed me and I slept pretty well!