Tucking my legs, underneath me, I prepared myself, for the verbal blows that were, surely, about to fly; and the explanation we had waited, so long, for. Kevin couldn’t have looked any more annoyed, but yet he also looked strangely uncomfortable. The other guys, however, showed all the signs, of being angry and hurt. Each face portrayed so many mixed emotions, making it hard to separate one from another.
The room’s silence was anything but comforting, as the air, around me, grew thicker. With each passing moment, I found it harder and harder, to breathe. The tension was suffocating, and the glares being passed around, made my skin squirm, as I sat silently.
My eyes darted, around the room, as I waited for someone to say something…anything. Everything, in me, wanted to flee the room, but, on the other hand, I needed the closure that could come, from this. Knowing that we all needed this, I contained my urge, to run.
“Well…” AJ’s eyes looked to be piercing Kevin, right down to the soul. “…what the fuck are you waiting for, Richardson? Don’t you have anything to say, for yourself?” His voice shot daggers, of pure ice, through the tense air.
“Come on…you have to talk sometime, and I think we’ve waited long enough.” Nick’s voice was only slightly warmer, as he cocked his head, to the side and crossed his arms. The need, for explanation, had be suppressed so long, that it had turned into nothing more than bitter grudges.
“Alright…enough already.” I was taken back, by the steadiness, of Howie’s voice, as he interjected. My thoughts drifted, momentarily, wondering why Howie seemed to be so much calmer than Nick, and AJ.
“I…” Kevin began to speak, his voice wavering, slightly. “…I…I…don’t…even know where to start.”
“How about the beginning?” Howie suggested, shrugging his shoulders, and stepping back a bit. The beginning did seem like the best place to start; after all, begin and start do mean the same thing.
Once again, the room fell silent. Kevin looked torn, and even more uncomfortable, as all eyes remained, on him. Letting out a loud sigh, of frustration, AJ shifted his weight, pursing his lips and letting his brows furrow. Nick just shook his head; a surefire sign that his irritation was peaking.
“Fuck this damn shit.” AJ blurted, loudly, making me jump, slightly. “He ain’t gonna say anything…he never does!” Throwing his hands, in the air, he turned on his heal and stalked to the other side, of the room.
“I don’t…I don’t want to talk about this…anymore.” Kevin’s scowl made me cringe. It didn’t seem like a scowl, of anger, but of…something else, I couldn’t, quite, figure out what it was, though.
“Don’t want to talk about it?!?” Nick questioned, narrowing his eyes. Tempers were nearing the breaking point, and I found myself betting that AJ would be the first, to lose it.
Repositioning myself, I caught a glimpse of Mason, standing in the doorway. He looked at me, with sadness mixed in his eyes, along with the same frustration that I felt. Going unnoticed, by the adults, he silently made his way over, and sat beside me. We exchanged looks, and a deep sigh, before turning back, to the adults.
“That’s what I said.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he made a few steps, toward the doorway. “I’ll just um…go up and…”
“Oh hell no!” AJ’s strained scream, interrupted him. Were my eyes playing tricks, or did Kevin just flinch, ever so slightly? Taking quick steps, AJ grabbed Kevin’s shoulder, turning him back around, to face everyone. AJ positioned himself, directly, in front of Kevin, giving him a death glare. “There is no fucking way, you aren’t talking!” Only a foot, of space, separated the men, as AJ’s eyes bore, deep, into Kevin.
“Guys…” Taking a few steps closer, Howie set his hand on AJ’s shoulder, but it was, immediately, shrugged off.
“No.” He cut Howie off, not tearing his eyes off, of Kevin. That little vein, in the side of AJ’s neck, was pulsing with anger, as his lips pursed into a furious scowl. I met Mason’s gaze, and saw worry, traced, in his eyes. When my gaze turned back, to the scene before us, I cringed, seeing AJ shove Kevin’s shoulder. “He’s going to fuckin’ talk! And he’s going to do it now!”
“Don’t touch me!” The piercing growl, made my younger cousin jump, moving closer, to me.
“Come on, Kevin…” AJ growled back, shoving Kevin’s shoulder, again. “You don’t even have an explanation, do you…huh?” Yet another shove, was given, to Kevin’s shoulder. “You’re just making up excuses for your shitty behavior, aren’t you?”
“Back off! You don’t know the first thing, about this, Alexander!” An eruption was rumbling inside, of Kevin, and I knew it would only be moments, before he blew. Glancing from Kevin, to AJ, I knew that AJ was ready to match any explosion that Kevin could muster.
“I know that you’re just fucking around, instead of being a man and fessing up, to shit!” I tried to remember the last time that I had seen AJ’s face portray this much anger, but my memory failed me. Although he had a temper, it rarely escalated, to this point. His eyes looked glazed over, his jaw was clenched tightly, and his eyebrows were knitted together. Kevin’s face almost mirrored that anger, but there was something, in his eyes, that I still couldn’t label.
“AJ’s right!” Nick stepped up, with his own look, of pure fury. “Talk. After everything you’ve put us through, you owe us that much!” A flash of guilt flashed through Kevin’s eyes, but was quickly gone. It happened so fast that I wasn’t sure if I really saw it, in the first place. The pieces fell together, in my mind, as I realized the unknown emotion, in Kevin’s eyes, was some level, of fear.
“I don’t owe you anything!” Kevin’s face changed, suddenly. The anger fell away, and was replaced by something more heart wrenching...it was actually a mixture of things. Looking closely, I saw that guilt, in his eyes again…regret and frustration…pain. There was more, to this, than met the eye…it ran deeper than any, of us, had expected. Evidently, I was the only one, who saw it.
“Bastard!” My attention snapped back, to the scene, in front of me. My jaw dropped and eyes went wide, as I saw AJ’s fist cut through the air, connecting with Kevin’s jaw.
“OW…damn it, Alexander!” Kevin’s hand flew up, cupping his jaw, as he glared at AJ. I sucked in a breath, bracing myself, for a full fist fight.
“ALEX!” Howie set his hands, on AJ’s shoulders, obviously shocked at his actions. Mason’s face, matched mine, as our jaws remained hanging open. I cringed, seeing Kevin start to lunge, toward AJ.
“I’m going to make you regret that, Alexander!” Nick stepped between Kevin, and AJ, placing his hand on Kevin’s chest. “Move, Nickolas!” Kevin attempted to move, around him, shoving to get past. While Nick fought, to hold Kevin at bay, Howie struggled to hold AJ back.
“HEY! This isn’t solving anything!” Howie’s voice wasn’t as calm, anymore, as he pulled AJ back and stepped in front, of him.
“Go ahead and make me regret it, Richardson…I fucking dare you! You don’t even have the balls to talk to us…you sure as hell don’t have them, to make me regret a damn thing!”
“You don’t know anything, about this! So, why don’t you back, the hell, off me, McLean?” Kevin’s voice cracked, but I couldn’t tell if it was from the volume…or something else. He seemed so uncomfortable…maybe even nervous.
“GUYS! Enough already! Seriously!” Nick remained between them, his hand on Kevin’s chest. This was getting out of hand. When would it stop?
“It’s his fucking fault!” AJ’s voice thundered, louder than ever; his finger pointing at the older man. I couldn’t take it anymore…this was insane. The fighting was getting out of hand, and needed to stop. You can’t work anything out, if you’re just screaming at each other. My thoughts drifted, for a moment, thinking of all the times I spent screaming back, and forth, with Nick; and how we never got anywhere, when we did.
Looking up, I watched Kevin and AJ struggling, to get to each other. The arguing was raging on, as Nick and Howie tried to play referee. All four voices were screaming, mixing together in a confusing jumble. Seeing Mason near tears, I knew I had to say something. I felt like I needed to protect my little cousin, from the madness. Something had to be said, or done, and fast. Swallowing the lump that resided in my throat, I opened my mouth, prepared to say something, when…
“Stop it!” Mason’s voice cracked, through the air, making everyone stop and look his way. My mouth still open, I stared, at him, seeing that his eyes were actually watering, now. “Please…please just…stop. Stop yelling! Stop fighting! You guys promised, no more fighting…you…you promised!” Pain etched all over his face, he tried to blink away the tears that were threatening, to fall. Letting my hand reach out, I set it on his arm, trying to offer some kind of support or comfort.
“You guys did promise.” My voice was soft, and barely audible, as I looked up at them. I knew how Mason felt…the frustration…the pain…it sucked watching your family fall apart. Let’s face it, we have other blood relatives, but this was always the core, of our family…no matter how dysfunctional it has been.
“We did promise.” AJ’s arms dropped, as he shrugged off Howie’s hands, and took a few steps back. His face softened, as he walked over, to us. Looking back, to Kevin, they locked eyes. “We shouldn’t fight…especially in front of the boys.”
“AJ’s right.” Kevin’s comment made everyone’s attention snap, to him. “I’m sorry, boys…I was out of line.” Bowing his head, he shoved his hands into his pockets.
“Yeah, me, too. I uh…sorry I decked you, Kev.”
“I deserved it…I um…well it’s my fault. Over the years I’ve…I’ve done things that…I’m not so proud of, now. I thought they were right, at the time…but obviously…” Letting out a sigh, Kevin trailed off, walking over and sinking down, into the recliner.
“You have to talk, to us, about it, Kevin.” Howie spoke up, as everyone found a seat, and tried to get comfortable. Irritation was still evident, around the room, but the anger seemed to subside, slightly.
“There’s just so much, to explain, and I really don’t expect you, all, to understand.” A long sigh escaped his mouth, as he rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t even understand most of it, anymore.”
“I think it’s safe, to say, that we can’t get anymore confused, than we already are.” I could sense that AJ was trying to hold back his anger, as he spoke to Kevin. The room fell silent again.
“Um…what if we take it one topic, at a time?” Nick sighed, running his fingers through his hair. Ok, this was good…everyone was sitting down…voices were calmer…the glares, of death, had stopped…
“How about we start, by clearing up this drug thing. You said something about prescriptions?” Howie waved a hand, in the air, as if to portray his confusion. This was it…we were really going to get somewhere! I was nervous and anxious…to a point that my heart was beating twice its normal rate.
“They were for anxiety. It’s not uncommon, you know. I was stressed out and…whatever…so my doctor gave them to me, to help me deal with things.” Kevin’s shoulders shrugged, as he slouched further, into the recliner.
“But why…would you give them…to AJ?” Howie emphasized his words, and I think his tolerance levels were starting to fade, again. I said a silent prayer, hoping that we could make some kind of progress…any progress…before another fight broke out.
“I already told you!” Throwing his hands, in the air, Kevin’s scowl surfaced, again. “I thought they would help him! I had switched to a different prescription, but still had half, of that bottle, left.” His face softened, once more, as he continued on, with his explination. “AJ had recently found out about the decline in his grandmother’s health, and we were all noticing more drastic changes, in his behavior. I knew his drinking was starting to get, completely, out of control. I thought, by taking the pills, it would help him deal with everything. None of us could get him to talk, or listen; he just kept on the same destructive path, and I was hoping that, by taking the anxiety pills, he wouldn’t feel such a need, to drink! It made sense! I just didn’t know he would mix them with over the counter sedatives, and even more Jack Daniels.”
“Why didn’t you talk to us, about this, to begin with? We could have helped keep an eye, on him. You knew that we were all concerned!” Nick looked from Kevin, to AJ, who looked, almost, ashamed. I can’t imagine that he was prepared, for the old wounds to be ripped, back, open. AJ, to this day, still struggled with his past. He was doing well, and I am sure Riley was a big part, of that, but who would want their mistakes brought up, again, and thrown in their face?
“Nick brings up a good point. Why wouldn’t you have told us, about this?” Licking his lips, Howie directed his attention, to the oldest man. There was so much, to this, that we hadn’t heard yet…who was right? Who was wrong? Or was everyone partially wrong?
“Because it’s technically illegal and I couldn’t allow you guys to think that I condoned illegal behavior. I was the ‘father’ of the group, back then, and I was supposed to be responsible for all, of you.” At that moment, Kevin appeared a good ten years older, than what he really was. He looked as if he had the weight, of the world, on his shoulders…like he was accountable, for so much more, than any one person should be.
“Here we go with this shit, again. How come you always use that fucking ‘I was the father, of the group’ line, as a fallback? Can’t you just admit that you were wrong?” AJ pursed his lips, repositioning himself. He let out a sharp puff, of air, as if he were mocking Kevin’s statements. Obviously, the wounds were still sore, and AJ was struggling to face the subject.
“It’s not shit, Alexander. I was viewed as the responsible one…the one that was supposed to keep the rest, of you, in line. Management expected it, of me. I never said I was good at it, or that I did it well…just that it was my title.” I do believe that I saw a hint, of hurt, in Kevin’s eyes, as his gaze met AJ’s.
“But…if you were only trying to help, by giving him anxiety medication…” Howie turned, tilting his head, and facing AJ. “…then why were you telling us that Kevin was responsible for getting you hooked, on drugs?”
“Because he was! He’s the one who made me realize that drugs could make you feel better!” AJ’s voice hit a new level, making me jump, but he remained in his seat. The raw pain, in his eyes, matched what I saw in Kevin’s. I found myself wondering if any, of them, realized how this was affecting each, of the others. There are always two sides, to a story, and it can be so hard, to see something through another person’s eyes….especially when you’ve only seen one side, for so many years.
“I think…maybe you misinterpreted his intentions?” Nick shrugged, before continuing, “Not that I think he was right, by giving them, to you.” Shaking his head, Nick sighed, like he couldn’t find the right words, to say.
The room went silent. AJ’s head fell into his hands and Kevin rubbed his hands over his face, as everyone else’s gaze fell to the floor. My eyes lifted, from the carpet, and I looked around, trying to analyze what I saw, in each person’s eyes. Oddly enough, each set portrayed the same things. My mind swirled, as we sat in an awkward silence.
Did the others even realize that Kevin was hurting, just as bas, as they were? That he had regrets…guilt…and pain, like them? Kevin didn’t look like that harsh monster that was always screaming and making threats, anymore. He looked like a broken man, who desperately needed someone to listen…someone to understand. After all, he was human, just like the rest, of us. I suppose, everyone had been ganging up, on him, for so long, that he was viewed as an enemy, of sorts.
Silently, I lifted myself, from the couch. Making my way, into the kitchen, I set out to retrieve six bottles, of water. After grabbing them, from the refrigerator, I headed back, into the living room. Making my way around the room, I passed out the drinks, then took my spot on the couch, and cracked open my own water. Something told me that this night was far, from over.
Chapter End Notes:
*bites nails* I hope it came out alright...there is more to come, the drama isn't quite over. Thank you guys SO much for sticking with me, on this story!
