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"Just Another Day"

Chapter Four: To Be Free

I saw my girlfriend walk out the door. Heh, sex was always fun. I stretched as she came right back in. I smirk, I knew she couldn’t leave that easy. She leaped on the bed. Her hands traveled in fun, fun, fun places. I was half tempted to rip off the clothes she had just put back on. But, hell sex was fun but I wasn't in the mood anymore. I’ve been out of it since that night where I almost…solved the problem. I ain’t saying the s-word. Even the earlier round her and I went, I enjoyed it, but something was off.

So I told her so.

“What do you mean!?”

“I meant what I said baby.”

“You’re blaming me aren’t you? Cause I can’t get you in the mood.”

Uh oh. “No, no babe that’s not what I was saying-”

Tracy’s hands were placed on her hips, those full lips of hers were set together hard with frustration that was written all across her face. Her jade eyes were trained on me, demanding silently for an explanation. A breath of exasperation blew up a lock of her fiery hair. How do I say this without getting in trouble. “What the hell WERE you saying Nick? Apparently I don’t speak dumb as hell blonde. If you want I‘ll go buy a retard to normal translator for you, but even that might be too advanced.”

My eyes narrowed. Screw it, let her be mad then! I’m not stupid. I hated when people thought I was. It drove me absolutely crazy. She had to strike that damn nerve didn’t she? Forget it then. The sex is great sure, amazing really. I just wasn’t in the mood. But I could care less if I pissed her off. Safer way of the relationship world, no connections, just fun and someone beside you.

“Fine I‘m saying right now the shit ain‘t so great.”

“Fuck you Nick!”

I heard the slamming of the door. Lying sometimes made the whole world look brighter. Or at least quieter as I crashed back in the bed, with hopes of sleep still alive.

************

I sat in the back of my math class with a small yawn. Not a fan of it. Hated it actually. Way, way too much structure for my taste really. I'm stuck though. Stupid requirements for degrees. If I had my way I would've found an out clause. Nope, I was doomed to the terrible angst I call math. So there I was sitting in the back. As always I went relatively unnoticed. That figured right? So I had a sip of my red mountain dew, my addiction soda. Most people have coffee as their addiction drink, me, hating coffee, had red mountain dew. I'm odd I know, I just wish I wasn't invisible. Then maybe I'd handle my own oddness better and not wish to change so much. So a sip of the soda, and a subtle flicking open of the cell phone is what helped me survive the deadly math course I was trapped in. Trust me, my professor wouldn't notice me ignoring him, I almost wished he would. Oh well, at least I wouldn't die of boredom today. Also, oh joy, with the psychology degree I was battling my family with not choosing, if I did that, I'm due to more math torture with the addition of statistics classes. Oh joy. Oh rapture. And now I must be getting pretty darn rambly and depressing. Sorry about that. I told you before, I tend to talk a lot. It’s just, they wanted to force me into a life, a box that just did not fit. I wanted to be true to me, to my own likes and passions, and instead they could have cared less about that as long as I did what they thought was right for me. Frustration at its best.

So I went through numbers to message. I wonder who shall answer. Dum Dum Dum... Hmm. That's actually a good question. Sebastian, I would, but still no number... Teddy, no probably was doing um...Navy things; whatever the hell they actually did. Oh! I could try Izzy! She's always been up for chatting. She's my sole close female friend for a reason. But, she still had a few more months of high school to finish out. I could try, and hope she's at lunch and not in class... Lord how could I forget only a little more than a year after escaping, when lunch usually is at Centennial high school? I continued through the numbers, I didn't want to get Iz in trouble. So I kept scanning down. You know it took me eighteen years before I actually broke down and bought a cell phone? I know, I had trouble conforming well. Le sigh. Funny thing is, only two years ago, I bought a Discman. It would be years before I caved and bought an ipod. Watch.

My professor called on everyone but me. It was a small class too. This was the only class I didn’t hate my invisibility. Disliked? Sure, but not hated. Only hated the subject of the class itself. A name caught my eye that interrupted my current train of thought then, very similar to the way it had that one night.

Nickolas Cordele
(don't tell him I listed him as Nickolas in my cell. He didn’t know.)

I hadn't called since that other night. He had been drunk as a skunk, but sobering, I had known. He sounded so...depressed rather than drunk though. Had it not been for the slurs I would have solely thought it was him just being depressed. How could he be depressed? He was Nick Cordele. Star singer of Rising Phoenix on lead guitar. He was noticed by everyone, everywhere, lived his dream, his own way. Its what I wanted, so damn badly. I wanted it desperately, just on a smaller scale. And yes, I knew was really them. I’ve been talking to Chase a lot, he knew I knew. Chase! Maybe I'd message him. He's goofy, sweet, but smart. Maybe he could help me with the concept of classical conditioning for my Psych. 101 class as well. He seemed to know more than he let on about it from our first conversation. I was having issues with it. I'd ask my parents, but I already told you how my relationship had been with them lately.

So I picked his, even though Nick did not mean any harm last time; I was weary of calling him. Not cause of him. No. No. No. Don't think that. It was all me. My fault. I blurted that last thing I said, and hung up. Like a moron. Like a dork. Sounding stupid. I hadn't even known Nick all that long. Probably thought I was a mess before he'd even see me. So I texted Chase, and we ended up on Yahoo mobile cause I liked that better.

Callyarty: hey, I need ur help
WorthdaChase: hi hun, what with?
Callyarty: psych stuff
WorthdaChase: trying to figure out Nick? lol

I wasn't, but I wanted to know what he meant now, he sparked my curiosity. I pushed a dark gold strand of my hair away from my face as my azure eyes glanced up through my glasses to make sure I wasn’t noticed for once. With my luck, I would. And I was in the middle on whether or not I'd want it.

I wasn't called on however. Not sure how I felt about that either, to be honest.

Callyarty: Nick?
WorthdaChase: he told me you 2 talked for 3 hrs, quite the feat.
Callyarty: oh, well yeah we did. we havent talked much since though


For some reason, I fail to mention the other night. Call it instinct again.

WorthdaChase: Why dont you call him?
Callyarty: dunno. not too good with that stuff.
WorthdaChase: Call it a hunch girlie, but call. he'll appreciate it
Callyarty: how do u know
WorthdaChase: Im an expert an Nickcology. call him
Callyarty: I might, once Im out of class, like I said, Im terrible at this stuff, and so yeah I dunno.
Callyarty: maybe


**********

I never did tell the guys how close I came to dying that night. They didn’t need to know. They would have just worried and all that and they were just a hell of a lot better off without knowing about it. None of them woulda believed what had gotten me to stop as it is. Come on, an eighteen year old chick I only talked to a few times, saying I was worth more than I thought? I still didn’t get myself how that got me to stop. How that got me to reconsider what the hell I was doing. It just did. It made me think if someone random who didn’t even meet me yet in person but still cared, maybe life wasn’t as fucked as I thought. This chick was something else.

I didn’t call her for the next couple days though. Heh more cause I knew I had acted shitty to her last time we talked. Even if most of it was a pure blur. I still didn’t want to call her. I figured even after saying what she did, that she didn’t like me much anymore. I wouldn’t blame her. I chased everyone away sooner or later. Whether it was with my ADHD, or with my loads of heavy baggage I’ve had piled on me. My fame that never just left me the hell alone. Something or other about me just made people stop giving a damn about me. As much as I needed someone to NOT stop giving a damn, this girl didn’t need to be hurt. I couldn’t drag her into all my shit. Better to call it a twist of fate, God sent an angel to keep me alive, and now I had to go on with life as usual. Both of us should go as we were. So I tried. And I was spacing more than I usually did. Hell that said a lot about it too. Trust me.

As it was, I was already an asshole of a boyfriend. Yes I said boyfriend. Have I even mentioned My girlfriend outside of a random sex mention from earlier? Damn, I suck. Well I did. And I wondered why no one ever stuck around? Yeah I had a girl. Been dating her two weeks I think. She didn’t try to change me like my last girlfriend did. I don’t even know what I had seen in her now. You might have heard of her too. She’s famous for being born into a dynasty type thing. She’s also had a freaking sex porno out by “accident”. Yep, you guessed it. Siena Malone. The woman everybody loved to hate and I dated her. Why? She seemed different back then. Siena's a good actor; off screen. I thought maybe she wouldn't use me for fame or money since she had so much of it on her own. I also thought there was more to her. I was a damn fool.

Tracy, my current girl, was better. Good sex to start with if I hadn’t said it already. Not famous really, yet at least. I met her at our band's video shoot for our next single. She's an extra in the video. Ironically how Chase met his current wife, if you'd like a bit of Rising Phoenix trivia. Tracy was beautiful though and fun when she wasn’t mad at me. She got so damn mad at me too easy though. She didn’t know about Calypso but what’s there to know anyway? Not much so it ain’t as bad as it sounds so don’t say a damn thing about how I shoulda said something.

Tracy, well, damn, I'd neglected her a bit. So I made it up to her yesterday. Took her out and treated her right. But today, I have my ear to the cell phone, listening to her yell at me. All because of earlier this morning. Great way to spend the day. (Sarcasm is my friend.) She's mad as hell at me. Fuck is she pissed off. I don't even know what the hell I did. All I said was that I didn’t want sex and then she annoyed me till I decided to really give her reason to be mad.

I started dating her since it had been awhile since I had anything other than the groupie one night stand shit. After Siena Malone could you blame me for taking a break from it? God damn, especially since she tried to ruin me and have all her wannabe Siena friends try to ruin my image, my career through screwed up rumors Siena wouldn‘t say herself cause she didn‘t want to be charged with slander. Sneaky little thing. Not that anyone would blame me if the rumors I ain‘t mentioning were true. But they weren‘t. I don't do that. No I this would not be specified, you knew about this or you won’t. But none of them were true anyway. Call that the one thing my failure I'm supposed to call parents taught me. I ain't like that. Not that the world believes me. Why should they when the lie sells more tabloids. I hate the fame sometimes.

“Are you even listening to me! Hello?! Well fuck you too then Nickolas James Cordele!” Dial tone.

Oh damn, I spaced. Dammit my ADHD struck again. I spaced at the worst times. Next thing I heard was that beep beep beep beep… noise you get after the dial tone stopped and you’re still on the line alone. Uh oh. Never a good sign. I needed boyfriend lessons. So I called her back, hopedto see if I can get my big ass out of trouble. It'd be nice to make a relationship work for once.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Aw come on, someone had have pity on me and make her answer!

And then my ears wanted to scream cause not only did she pick up, but she must have rammed the phone right next to or into a radio speaker! Major feedback! Ow! God Dammit! So me, being my stubborn self, tried calling again.

Not my smartest move. Not that I had many smart moves to begin with. Cause then Tracy did the same thing. Was she trying to make me deaf?! God, I needed my hearing so I could make music properly. That hurt! So, again, being stubborn, I picked up the phone I had thrown down on my bed when my ears cried in pain, and was about to try again. I go to dial the number when I heard a voice on the other line.

“Hello?”

Whoa. Was I psychic now? Hey I could be like Madam Cleo!

“Hello?” The voice said again. Oops. Hey this wasn’t Tracy…

It was Calypso. That girl I said I wasn’t gonna call and bring into my mess of a life? Yeah her. I could have hung up. Could have been an ass and chased her out before she got pulled in. Then called Trace and tried again as I had planned. But I didn’t. Something kept me on that phone.

“Hey.”

“Oh! For a moment I thought you weren’t there or it got disconnected or something…”

There’s that cute nervousness again.

“Nah I’m here, just spacin’ some. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, I space lots too.”

“I’m a champion at it baby.”

“So…what’s up?”

“My girl is pissed off at me and I have no clue why.” Aight, that was only half true. But I wasn’t gonna be explaining all that to her okay?

“Oh, you have a girlfriend?” I didn’t tell her. Oh. Damn I just suck. Did she sound sad as she said that? Or was that my imagination? Likely the last thing I said.

“Yeah, well maybe. Not so sure anymore.” I gave a chuckle.

“Why what happened? Other than her being all mad at you I mean. I’m supposed to be a psych one day so talk to Dr. Cally.” I leaned back against the headboard of my bed. She was so easy to talk to, this girl. I needed to watch myself with this one.

“Supposed to be?”

I heard her sigh on the other end. “Yeah, supposed to be. It’s the practical career and I’d be happier…” Now why did that sound like she was brainwashed to say that? “Anywho, so what happened.

“I tried to call her after a spat this morning, and after she reamed me out verbally over the phone. So then she put the phone next to a radio or something cause all I got was major ass feedback. I tried again and she did it to me again. I was gonna try one last time but you called…and talking to you seems a bit easier on my ears.”

She laughed softly. “Aww well that sucks.”

“Women suck!” I teased. I wanted to hear that laugh again. Couldn’t explain why. Remember all I said about not having wanted to drag this girl in my life? Forget that. I needed a friend like her who’ wasn’t in the band.

“Hey now!” She whined laughing. “We do not…well most of us don’t. But she did have to say why she was mad at you.”

I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me. “Who knows…”


*************

“It’ll be okay, she’ll call back if she cares enough about you right?”

“I know she will, my ears just hurt.” He sulked, and very cutely I might add. Tee hee. Ahh! Cally stop.

“Aww poor Nick.”

“Yes, poor me!”

Talking to Nick was relaxing. Especially after a torturous math class. I sat in the courtyard where there were a bunch of benches. I didn’t have class for awhile so I was able to talk to him for awhile. I ignored the stares, yes I was a loner, yes I was a dork, and yes I was plain, leave me alone. I leaned back against my bulky backpack, I hated the fact I didn’t have a car. Students walked by giving me glances. Stop looking at me!

“Were you okay that night we talked last? Its been a few days since we talked and I thought I’d ask. You seemed hella out of it.” The wind picked up and blew into my face. Ponytail didn’t manage to keep all my hair from blowing in my face. Grr, stupid wind. Once again I was so thankful he couldn’t see me. Why would he want to anyway? I’m not that special. Yet, I wished he didn’t have that evil blood sucking girlfriend of his. Okay, so I had no freaking clue if she was that evil based off of one small fight Nick mentioned that I knew nada about. But oh well, in my mind she was cause now I stood no chance. What itty bitty one I had. He's Nick Cordele, he could have anyone, and she had to be better than me. Not that that was hard.

“I just partied too hard, hangovers suck ya know.” His voice broke into my reverie.

“Glad you’re okay at least, you worried me.”

“I did?” He sounded surprised, aww.

“A bit yeppers.”

“Hey I’m special so so special then!” I couldn’t help but giggle. He sounded happy, yet something seemed off. It bugged just a little. My eyes took in the robin’s egg blue sky, the peacefulness about me since classes started, even though the wind was still annoying me. Nope, I wasn’t going inside. “Possibly.”

“Nah, I am.”

There was an awkward pause then. I wondered what he was thinking. “Thinking about your girlfriend…”

“Tracy? Just wondering why she’s mad still. Maybe it’s cause I’m a mean ass bastard and a bad boyfriend.”

I chuckled, thinking he was kidding. “I doubt that one.”

“I wouldn’t, I am. Ask anyone. I am a bastard at heart, so next topic.” Whoa, was this the lighthearted guy I’ve been talking to? Then again, it reminded me of the vibe I had gotten that last time, that he was depressed.

“Oh hell no, not next topic, why are you so hard on yourself?”

“Cause its fucking true. I’m a mean ass bastard who can’t do anything right. So why bother? Next topic.” Mood change much? Oh lordie.

“I doubt that highly.”

“You haven’t known me that long.”

“I believe you’re not the person you think you are, you’re better.”

“How do you know that?”

“Call it instinct.”

“You’ll see.”

“Nope, you will. And I’ll prove it to ya someday, betcha anything.” Was that me talking? Since when had I ever been so bold?

I could hear him laugh, and that made me smile. “Alright then, I’ll take that bet. You’re a damn stubborn woman.”

Not my best quality. “Yeah, shy and stubborn, not the best combo.”

It' was then his tone became the teasing one I recognized. “I like it.”

“Glad someone does.”

“I do, you’re an interesting chick Calypso.”

We continued to talk and I just knew it was one of my better days. The stares students gave me became forgotten, as I relaxed and talked to this man under the setting sun in the courtyard. I missed a class but oh well. I was enjoying myself. We talked for only two hours this time around, but the conversation was better this time. I was waiting for Iz to pick me up from the college as our talk ended. I was relaxed and it was nice for once. Maybe because, for once, I was myself and not who my parents, my siblings, or my friends, wish me to be.

It felt good to be me sometimes.

***********


“I have to get to a recording session with the fellas, I’ll tell Chase you said hey. And thanks by the way Cally.” I’m forced to tell her. Honestly I was already hella late. Scott was going to have me barbequed. Damn.

“For what?” She asked confused.

“Just for the chat.” I lied. What was I supposed to say. For saving me the last time she called? Hell no.

“Oh, um hehe, you’re welcome.”

“Next time, you use your phone to take a pic of yourself and send it to me baby.”

“Why do you need that?” She sounded worried. Why?

“So when we ain’t too damn lazy to hang in person I’ll recognize you.”

“……maybe.”

“Aight, I really gotta go now.”

“Tell Chase I said hey.”

“Later Cally.”

“Bye Nick”

Click.

After we hung up I felt better. I did. Even if my girlfriend Tracy did fucking ream me out for everything just before I talked to Cally. Even if it was over something I don’t even know I did and then made worse just for kicks. Even if I felt distant, away from it all and never part of it. It was different with Cally, I felt almost connected. The only time I actually did feel connected was when I was making music, wrote. That was it. I just, felt a bit lighter then was all. I was myself for once and that was so freeing for me. To be me and not that image I had. I was me. Me without any false smiles and shit. Me without pretending to be hyper and okay around a bunch of stupid cameras. Outside of a few moments where I didn’t want Calypso to see how fucked up I am, I was able to just be…Nick and not Nick Cordele, rock star extraordinaire. (See I know big words!) And it was with Calypso who, wasn’t like most girls from what I could tell. Now I could relax and figure out how to fix things with Trace back to the way I liked it. Thank you Cally.

I could use a friend like that in my life. Just hoped my life wouldn’t destroy her.