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Chapter 10

When Nick pulled his eyes open the following day his surroundings were very bright. He reacted with a groan and instantly pinched them shut again. Even though he’d had worse hangovers, he had blackout curtains in his bedroom that he always kept closed in order to keep the sunlight out. At first, it was so that when he was really jetlagged after a long flight he could still get some sleep, but lately it seemed he used them more to shield himself when he woke up with an alcohol induced headache.

The fact that his shades weren’t pulled right now had Nick confused. His first thought was that Kevin decided to stop by and thought it would be amusing to wake him up, Kevin could be a pain in the ass like that, but then Nick stretched his legs and realized that he didn’t have enough room to fully extend them. “What the hell?” he said with another groan.

Nick opened his eyes again, despite the headache and the unwelcome sunshine, and took in his surroundings. He was on a couch and it took him a moment to recognize it as Rachel’s couch. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t remember what he was doing at Rachel’s. The last thing he did remember was lying down on his couch after his fight with Brian. “Oh God,” he said as he remembered the things he’d said to his ex-best friend.

Nick pulled himself to a sitting position and glanced around the room. He squinted as he picked up a hand written note off the coffee table in front of him.

Nicky,

Nick was surprised when he smiled. Normally he hated being called Nicky, but when he imagined it escaping Rachel’s lips it sounded more like a term of endearment than a condescending nickname. Nick’s daydream was interrupted when he became puzzled. If Rachel was leaving him a note it meant she was gone. He looked up at the small clock on the DVD player and was shocked to find that it was nearly three. Nick curiously read the rest of the note.

I knew you were out of it when Spencer didn’t wake you this morning, and you had such a rough night that I decided it was best to just let you sleep. You were pretty wasted last night so if you’re hurting, take these…


Nick cringed. Whatever happened, he must have looked like a complete ass last night. He glanced up and found a couple of prescription pills sitting on the coffee table and smiled to himself thinking that being friends with a doctor could have its advantages.

I had to go to work, but feel free to shower and all that. Sorry there’s not much, but eat whatever you can find. Feel better, and try not to freak out too much. Things are gonna be ok, I promise. I’ll be home around 7. We’ll talk then.

Rachel

“God I’m such a dink,” Nick grumbled as he heaved himself from the sofa. He didn’t know exactly what a dink was, but it sounded good to him at the time.

He grabbed the pills and wandered into the kitchen and ass he washed down the medication, his brain tried desperately to piece together the foggy images he had of the previous night’s events. He figured a nice hot shower might help clear it up for him, so he found his way to the bathroom. Again, he smiled to himself when he found a set of towels had been placed on the counter, obviously set out for him.

Nick wasted no time stripping the clothes from his body and let the hot water release his tension. As he stood there thinking that his muscles were unusually stiff, he remembered Rachel telling him he could sleep on her couch because he was too drunk to drive home. That memory set his brain in motion and he slowly worked his way backward, piecing together the mystery as if he were Inspector Clouseau solving a crime.

The first thing that came to mind, was his wonderful little panic episode where he’d cried his eyes out in Rachel’s arms like some sort of hormone-crazed woman. Nick was amazed that Rachel still talked to him. He was such a pathetic mess right now. He shook his head in disgust, and tried to remember what brought on the attack in the first place. “Shit!”

Nick suddenly realized that in his drunken state he’d made a very angry call to his manager, letting him know what a bastard Brian was, and that he would no longer be able to work with him, so he gave his immediate resignation. He knew Johnny would recognize just how drunk he’d been when he made the call, and he knew that he would be allowed to take it back, but the truth was, that even though he’d quit in anger, Nick wasn’t so sure he would want to come back. Part of him wanted to quit out of spite, part of him wanted to quit so that he would be taken seriously for once, and then part of him just needed to escape it all.

With a heavy sigh, Nick sunk to the floor of the shower and pulled his knees tightly to his chest. He didn’t cry, he simply sat there letting his mind take it all in. Eventually when the water hinted that it was about to turn cold on him, Nick quickly scrubbed himself down. He wrinkled his nose when the only soap he had to choose from was Johnson’s Baby body wash and some weird girly mango-melon stuff. Nick finally went with the latter, and, as he rubbed the soap all over him, he was reminded of Rachel. She always seemed to smell good enough to eat and now he knew why.

That train of thoughts quickly led Nick to the reason for his spontaneous visit. He’d kissed her, and she’d turned him down. Nick turned off the water and was overcome with depression. After wrapping a towel around his waist, Nick leaned over the counter and starred into the mirror glaring at his own reflection. “Of course she turned you down, ya jackass. You were drunk as shit and cried like a fucking six year old.”

With another heavy sigh, and a curse under his breath, Nick got dressed and made his way back into the living room. He folded up his blankets and set them neatly in a pile on the couch. He sat for a moment, trying to figure out what to do next, but he drew a blank, having never felt more lost in all his life. What was he supposed to do next? Where was he supposed to go from here? He no longer had a job or any kind of responsibility. Now that he was starring freedom in the face, he realized just how scary it was.

Nick decided that looking at the big picture right now was just too overwhelming so he decided to focus on life as he was faced with it, just five minutes at a time, and these next five minutes were calling for a toothbrush and a fresh change of clothes. Nick picked up his wallet and cell phone from the coffee table and slipped them into his pants pocket. His car keys, however, were not on the table where he’d set them. He patted himself down and glanced around the room but the keys were nowhere to be found.

Nick figured that Rachel must have taken them last night, afraid that he might try to drive home after she went to bed, so he quit looking. He called Rachel’s cell phone but was met with her voice mail and hung up without leaving a message. When he flipped his phone shut he noticed that he had 32 missed calls. “Fuck,” He grumbled as his anger rose to the surface.

Nick should have known that this was going to happen. He knew that everyone would call him, and he knew, without listening to any of the messages, what they were all saying. Nick, we’re worried about you, you can’t quit, we love you man. Nick smirked bitterly and his blood began to boil. Sure you love me, because you need me.

Nick thumbed through all the messages. The majority of the calls were from Brian. He was, no doubt, calling to apologize. That was the thing about Brian. The man had somewhat of a short temper, but he was always very quick to say he was sorry. The thought never even once crossed Nick’s mind to call Brian back. He was sure that if he did, after his apology, he would get a lecture about how evil this girl was and how she manipulated him into making the biggest mistake of his life. At this point, Nick was quite satisfied never saying another word to Brian ever again.

There were calls from the other four guys as well, with Kevin earning the second most frequent caller award. This didn’t surprise Nick either. Kevin was always playing the roll of the Backstreet Daddy. Nick was sure that Kevin didn’t play the part for the power trip; he genuinely felt the responsibility. He was the oldest, and naturally the most mature, so it always fell in his lap to look out for the rest of the guys whether he wanted to or not. There were times, especially during the dark days of the Black and Blue era, that Nick was sure Kevin hated the job, but he never gave up and he never would, Nick knew that.

Howie and AJ both called as well, which was only to be expected, but they each had different intentions. Howie was the type of man who was deep and philosophical. He was always ready to talk about feelings and then doll out advice. AJ on the other hand, while still concerned for his youngest brother, was more likely calling to get all the details. AJ lived to stick his nose in everyone’s business and always wanted all the gossip. It could get annoying sometimes, yet he was always able to make Nick feel better because he would let him vent and then happily talk a little shit for a while to help him get it out of his system. For a moment Nick actually considered returning his call, but if anyone were going to be able to talk him into not quitting, he knew AJ would be the one.

The news of Nick’s departure obviously hadn’t traveled beyond the guys and Johnny, or Nick would have been flooded with messages from everyone he knew. As it was, other than the guys, Johnny was the only other one who called. It wasn’t that Nick disliked Johnny, actually the guy was an excellent manager, but Johnny was all business. He was most definitely calling to talk Nick into staying with the group. He was probably hoping to schedule some kind of meeting with all the guys to discuss the problem. Nick wouldn’t be surprised if he had a therapist lined up to sit in on the whole matter, as if it were some kind of demented family counseling session.

Nick decided not to return any of the calls. He didn’t even listen to a single message until he got to the very last number in his missed call list. He smiled at the number he’d spent the last week memorizing, and then quickly dialed into his voice mail, anxious to hear the sound of her voice. “Hey Nick,” the message played, “I’m almost to work now, but Spencer’s daycare lady called and told me she found Spencer with keys to a very expensive car. I figured they had to be yours.”

Rachel laughed and Nick grinned at the sound. “Don’t worry,” she continued, “I didn’t tell her whose they were so she won’t be selling them on the black market or anything. Anyway, if you’re still around, I figure you could use a place to hide out for the day so feel free to hang around until we come back and I’ll bring your keys home with me. Sorry if I caused you any trouble. See you around seven.”

Nick quickly glanced at the clock and sighed; it was barely four pm. He still had three hours to wait before she would be there. Nick was surprised at how badly he wanted to see her. Even though she said no to a relationship, she still wanted to be his friend, and he needed one of those. Rachel was right, now was not the time for Nick to be getting involved with someone. He knew the next few months were going to be a bit hectic as he dealt with the aftermath of leaving the Backstreet Boys. It wouldn’t be fair to ask Rachel to suffer through it with him. Nick figured that after the hype died down, and he had a little better hold of his life, then he would be ready and could try again. After all, Rachel hadn’t rejected him necessarily as much as she rejected the idea of a boyfriend in general.

Maybe there was still hope for him and Rachel. Nick decided the best thing he could do was get his act together and make sure to always be a good friend to her. Once he’d decided on that, Nick started to feel a little better so he wandered into the bathroom hoping she might have an extra toothbrush somewhere. He found one in the medicine cabinet, but he also found something that troubled him.

Nick didn’t mean to rummage through Rachel’s private things, but on his quest for clean teeth he found a couple bottles of prescription medication. He couldn’t help his curiosity, and glanced at the names on the bottles. He recognized one to be the sleeping pills that he’d used several times throughout his career. All the guys needed them every now and again when their glob trotting interfered with their sleeping. And the second bottle, he was sure he’d seen advertised on TV as an anti depressant.

The thought of Rachel being on anti depressants pained Nick. He didn’t want Rachel to feel that way, ever. The revelation was shocking. Rachel seemed to be so happy. The longer Nick thought about it though, the more he realized just how little he knew about Rachel. She seemed to have this deep, dark past that she kept hidden. It was obvious that the subject of Spencer’s father was a very sore one, but Rachel never mentioned a family either. She said she was new in town, but she never talked about her past or why she left it behind her. In fact, Rachel never talked about herself at all.

Nick was more than just curious now; he was concerned. What exactly had she been through and just how much was she haunted by it? Nick resolved to find out the truth and do whatever he could to help her. He figured it would not be easy to get her to open up and plopped himself back down on the couch in order to think up a plan. As he pondered different ways to approach the topic, the pain in his head dissipated, leaving him relaxed enough to fall back to sleep. Then, the combination of hangover, depression, and prescription painkillers that Rachel had left for him, kept Nick in a dream world until Rachel and Spencer arrived home.

Nick woke up when he heard Spencer pounding on the front door, yelling for his mother to hurry. His first instinct was to be excited but then, as he thought back on their last encounter, he realized just how awkward the situation really was. Nick was not sure how Rachel was going to feel when she saw him. She hadn’t seemed awkward last night, but then, Nick was still very drunk. Now that he was sober he wondered if it would be a different story.

Nick nervously got to his feet just as Rachel pushed the front door open. He forced a smile but never had the chance to feel awkward, because the minute Rachel got through the door she excitedly jumped into his arms and plastered a big wet kiss on him.

Nick was shocked to say the least. He couldn’t help but laugh as he held the overjoyed woman tightly in his arms, but the surprise on his face made Rachel blush. “I’m sorry,” she laughed, “I’m just so glad you’re still here! I just had the best day and I can’t wait to tell you about it, so get your shoes on cause I’m taking you and Spence out to dinner!”

Still somewhat speechless, Nick grinned like a fool and laughed the word, “OK.”

Nick barely had time to tie his shoes before Spencer was tugging on his hand, whining for him to come. Nick picked up the little guy and followed Rachel to her car. Twenty minutes later Nick glanced curiously at Rachel as she exited the freeway in a less-classy part of Burbank. Nick looked at an old, half-empty strip mall and laughed. “This must be some restaurant to drive all the way to Burbank for.”

“I have a strange feeling you won’t be disappointed,” Rachel giggled.

She had not yet told him where they were going, or why her day was so wonderful, but Nick didn’t mind the suspense. It was actually a very good distraction for him and the happy energy Rachel was exuding was becoming infectious. Nick’s plan to talk to her about her past had flown out the window the moment she walked in the door. The only thing he could think about was the warm greeting he’d received.

Nick kept replaying the moment over and over in his mind. It had happened so fast and yet it was a moment he would never forget. The funny thing was that it had nothing to do with the excited kiss he’d received. The kiss in itself had been completely innocent. While he’d enjoyed it, there were no sparks behind it. There was no sexual tension, and it didn’t leave him lusting for more. What got to Nick was the way Rachel lit up when she saw him, and the words she’d said. I’m just so glad you’re still here! I just had the best day and I can’t wait to tell you about it.

Rachel had been excited to see him, relieved even, and when something wonderful happened to her she wanted to share it with him. Rachel wanted Nick to be a part of her life and he knew that now. The way she jumped into his arms, sharing her joy, told Nick that she truly cared about him. Her attachment may be purely plutonic, but it was genuine. She was a true friend and that relieved Nick more than he ever expected. Since he’d met her he couldn’t get over the feelings of doubt. His self-conscious mind kept telling him that she was only being kind to him because she felt bad for him, but now he knew the truth.

Nick was ripped from his thoughts when Rachel pulled into a parking lot and turned off the engine to her car. Nick looked up curiously and laughed when he saw a giant Rat staring down at him. “Chuck E. Cheese’s?” He laughed.

“I assume pizza, games, and large jungle gyms are something you and Spencer like in common,” Rachel smirked.

Nick gave her a guilty shrug and then sighed, “I haven’t been to one of these since I was a little kid.”

“Well then we’d better get inside,” Rachel laughed glancing at her watch, “because the place is only open for another hour and a half.”

Nick happily carried Spencer across the parking lot and when they stepped inside both of their eyes glossed over at all the sights, sounds, and smells. They grinned at one another and then both peered at Rachel with anxious looks, as she walked in the door behind them. “All right,” she laughed as they each got their hands stamped, “I’ll order the pizza, you guys go and play.”

“I like plain cheese,” Nick replied playfully as he carted his new playmate off in the direction of the ball pit.

Rachel shook her head, amazed at how childlike Nick seemed sometimes, but she had to admit, she was glad for Spencer to have the male companionship. She ordered the pizza and then went in search of Nick and Spencer. They weren’t hard to find though. Nick had somehow gotten a ball stuck in one of the ski ball machines and he was holding Spencer upside-down over the plastic casing in order to reach the lodged ball. The two of them were quite the pair. Spencer grabbed the ball and then dropped it in the middle hole earning the most points possible. “Way to go squirt,” Nick laughed and then pulled him back over the barrier.

“Didn’t anyone tell you that’s cheating?”

Nick whirled around with redness creeping into his cheeks at the sound of Rachel’s voice. “The ball was stuck,” he shrugged, trying to sound innocent.

He relaxed when Rachel cracked a smile. “What’s the matter Nick? Can’t score the points without help?”

“I can score more than you,” Nick challenged.

“I don’t doubt it considering I haven’t scored in…” Rachel thought for a moment and then laughed, “Well let’s just say a while.”

Nick was surprised by the remark and gave Rachel a curious look as he wondered just how long it had been for her. As his mind drifted on to the subject of Rachel and sex, his cheeks began to flush. He instantly pushed those thoughts away, knowing it would only cause trouble. “I don’t know where your dirty little mind is,” he teased, “but I was talking about the game.”

“You think you can beat me at ski ball?” Rachel laughed.

“One way to find out.”

Rachel accepted the challenge and the two found themselves lost in a vigorous battle of ski ball, not to mention an immature trash-talking match. Spencer sat on the floor between them happily grabbing the tickets that the two machines spit at him. At the end of the first game Nick was the one smiling victoriously. “See?”

“I wasn’t warmed up yet,” Rachel protested. “Best two out of three.”

Nick grinned and then put another token in his machine. He and Rachel battled it out two more times and eventually Rachel came out on top. Nick pretended to pout but then laughed and bowed to the superior ski ball player. “You see? Today is my lucky day.” Rachel laughed.

“Yeah, and you haven’t told me all about this amazing day yet.”

Just then, the intercom called out their number announcing that their pizza was now ready. “Perfect,” Rachel said. “I’ll tell you all about it over pizza.”

Minutes later Rachel was watching both Nick and Spencer practically inhale a large extra cheese pizza. “Man this tastes good,” Nick said, “I haven’t eaten all day.”

“Nothing?” Rachel questioned, “I told you to help yourself.”

“I know, but honestly, I slept most of the day.”

“I wondered. How ya feeling anyway?”

Nick sighed, there were so many ways to answer that question and most of them involved killing the mood. “Well my hangover’s gone. Thanks for the pills, by the way, but before I get the chance to drag us down, you were going to tell me why you had such a great day.”

Rachel smiled and her whole face lit up. “Well for starters, I sort of got a promotion.”

Nick’s reaction to Rachel’s news was instant and it was sincere. He knew nothing about being a doctor, and had no idea what kind of promotion she could get, but he knew she was fairly new at it and he was truly proud of her. “Wow Rachel, that’s awesome! Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

“What kind of promotion?”

“Well, every year someone who just finished their residency is appointed the Chief resident over all the newbies and they are allowed to pick one person to be their assistant. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but that person is usually the one picked to be the Chief resident when they’re finished and that’s a really good place to be. If I could be Chief resident at a hospital like Cedar’s, then I would be pretty much guaranteed a job at any hospital in the country.”

Nick’s heart jumped but he kept the smile plastered on his face. “Where would you want to go?” he asked hoping his concern was well hidden.

“I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it. I just like the idea of having a choice. But,” Rachel sighed, “That’s years away still so I have a little time to figure it all out.”

Nick released the breath he’d been holding and decided to move the conversation along before Rachel realized that the thought of her leaving made him nervous. Rachel hadn’t noticed any of Nick’s behavior though, because her mind was still off in it’s own little world. “It’s such a relief though, you know, because I worked so hard for this and I really, really thought I didn’t have a prayer.”

Nick gave Rachel a sour look, thinking that her statement was just silly. He was sure that she was the best damn doctor on the whole planet, but, seeing the hint of her insecurity made Nick remember his whole plan to help her overcome her past. He’d decided earlier that asking her about her family was probably a better starting off point than Spencer’s father, so he took a breath and then carefully brought up the subject. “I bet your parents are very proud of you,” he said, “have you told them the good news yet?”

Nick cringed inwardly when he saw the look on Rachel’s face. She continued to smile but the life had faded from her eyes. Nick, of all people, should have realized that since she’d never mentioned them, her family might be as sore a subject as her past relationships.

Rachel cast her eyes down at her pizza. “I’m sure they are,” she sighed and then forced her eyes back up to meet Nick’s. “My parents passed away a long time ago.”

Nick cursed himself under his breath, so much for his plan to find out about her past. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

Rachel smiled at him. “It’s ok,” she said. “you didn’t know.”

Nick could see Rachel holding back tears and he reached across the table and scooped her hand into his. He was surprised at how forcefully she squeezed his fingers. Rachel was hurting deeply and it broke his heart. “Are you alright?” he whispered.

It was almost as if Nick’s voice snapped Rachel from a trance. She pulled her hand from Nick’s, took a deep breath, and then smiled really big at her son. “I’m good,” she said but Nick could tell it was a lie, “but it’s way past his bedtime, and this place is about to close, so we should probably get going.”

Nick just nodded his head. He knew Rachel was no longer in the mood she’d been in before and he hated himself for killing it. He was now convinced that Rachel needed to open up to him, but now, in public, and in front of her son, was not the time for it. Nick could wait until they were alone.