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Chapter 11

Once back at Rachel’s house Nick carried Spencer to his crib and took the sleeping toddlers’ shoes off his feet. As he covered him with a blanket, his thoughts danced around the scary idea of being a parent. Rachel heard his heavy sigh as he shut the bedroom door behind him. “It’s exhausting isn’t it?” She laughed. “Imagine doing it 24/7.”

Nick fell to the sofa, tired at the mere idea, causing Rachel to laugh. “I don’t know how you do it. I can’t imagine being responsible for someone like that.”

Rachel plopped down next to him. “I don’t think anyone really knows how they do it, they just do it. Spencer makes it easy though, he’s a good kid.”

Nick smirked, “I’d probably get a little monster.”

Rachel giggled, but didn’t respond and things stayed quiet for a minute until Rachel noticed the note she’d left Nick that morning sitting on the coffee table. She quickly sat straight up, startling Nick. “Oh my gosh, we haven’t talked about last night! You quit your job! Did you talk to anyone about it today? I can’t believe I forgot Nick, I’m so sorry.”

Nick cringed on the inside, thinking that it was finally time for things to get awkward between them. She may have been thinking about his job, but Nick’s thoughts were on a more pressing issue at the moment. “It’s ok,” he said. “To be honest, I was hoping you’d forget about last night. We’re probably better off that way.”

Nick saw the confusion in Rachel’s eyes and he knew she still didn’t comprehend his meaning. He hated to have to actually say the words, but they needed to be said. “I’m really sorry I kissed you.”

Rachel’s countenance changed at the mention of Nick’s drunken blunder. Her energy seemed to drain from her body and it pained Nick to see it. On the bright side, he was relieved to see the smile was still on her face. “It’s ok. You had a rough night,” she said gently.

“Still, you told me from the beginning, just friends. I should have respected that.”

Rachel eyed him curiously and then smirked. “I could have sworn you were in the anti-relationship club with me.”

Nick shrugged. He’d spent plenty of time trying to figure out what he was going to say to her today, and he’d convinced himself that he would say he didn’t mean it, but he did mean it. He meant every word of it. And now that he was faced with it, he couldn’t lie to her. “I was, but I didn’t know you when I said that.”

Rachel felt really terrible. She’d expected Nick to apologize and give the ‘I was drunk’ excuse, but he didn’t. He wasn’t even denying the things he’d told her last night and Rachel was surprised by how defeated he still seemed. She forced back her shock with a deep breath and then sighed. “I’m sorry Nick. You don’t hate me now, do you?”

Nick couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could he hate her? He was pretty sure that she was the one who would hate him now. “Of coarse not. I could never hate you. I thought about what you said, and you’re right. I’m pretty messed up. Now is not the time to be getting into a relationship.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s ok. Look, I know I have problems, big problems. I screw up everything. But I don’t want to screw this up. You mean too much to me.” Nick couldn’t believe that he was able to smile, but he did, and it was sincere. “No more drunken displays of affection, I promise.”

“And no more drunk driving,” Rachel added sternly. “I don’t want to have to save your life some day.”

Nick crossed his heart and Rachel kissed his cheek. The two exchanged smiles once more and then silence returned to the small apartment. It was peaceful though, and that’s what had Nick stumped. Someone whom he desired very much to be with had just rejected him, and yet somehow she left him feeling calm and hopeful. It was an amazing feeling. “Forget medicine,” he laughed, “you should have majored in psychology. I swear I should be paying you by the hour.”

Rachel smirked but didn’t have time to respond before Nick surprised her with a question. “How come you became a doctor? Did you always know that was what you wanted to do?”

It was a simple question, and a perfectly logical one. Nick was surprised when Rachel hesitated to answer it. Rachel’s face went pale, and seeing her pain made Nick want to tell her she didn’t have to answer, but he couldn’t get the words out. He was so curious that he just stared at her, waiting for some kind of explanation. “It was my parents,” she finally confessed. “I became a doctor because of my parents.”

Nick waited for Rachel to collect herself before speaking again. The mere mention of her parents nearly brought tears to her eyes. “Will you tell me about it?”

Rachel froze at the request and started to say something that Nick knew would eventually be a no, but Nick wasn’t ready to take no for an answer. “Please?” he pleaded quietly. “I’ve been more honest with you than anyone else in my life. I want to know you the same way you know me.”

“It’s not that easy, Nick.”

“I just want to understand. I want to be there for you and help if I can, like you’ve done for me.”

Tears filled Rachel’s eyes as she shook her head. “I’m sorry Nick, I don’t know what else to say. I just can’t.”

Nick had known disappointment in his life, and was a pro at rejection, but Rachel refusing to open up was pain that he never knew existed. He imagined it felt like being told you only have weeks to live. After everything they’d been through, and all that he’d divulged to her, she didn’t trust him. It was a devastating blow and he couldn’t take any more. He forced a smile, but Rachel knew he was upset and she felt panicky in her heart when he pulled himself from the couch. “You’ve had a really long day.” He said, “I should let you get some rest.”

“You don’t have to leave.”

The offer was kind, but Nick didn’t have the heart to stay. “No, I should go,” He said in defeat as he kissed Rachel’s cheek and smiled sweetly before making his way to the door. “Good night, Rachel.”

The door closed quietly behind him but it hurt so bad that it still felt as if he’d slammed it. Rachel’s eyes filled with tears as she stared at the closed door helplessly. She knew she’d hurt him and she hated herself for it, but she’d trusted a man before and it was the worst mistake she’d ever made and she just wasn’t ready to open up to him.

On the other side of the door Nick stood there, secretly hoping that Rachel would stop him from leaving. When she didn’t come, he felt the full force of his pain hit him all at once, and suddenly, his heart was overwhelmed with the feeling of despair. His life was turned upside down and the one person who’d given him hope had just broken his heart.

He drove across town, anxiously anticipating the security of his bed. He wanted to just crawl deep under the covers and never come out, but as he got closer to his home he knew he would never be allowed to do that. Kevin was probably sitting in front of his house waiting for him right now. He was sure to have all sorts of advice and lectures that Nick just didn’t want to hear, so instead of going home, Nick found himself getting on the freeway headed in the direction of Las Vegas.

***

Nearly a week later Rachel was in the employee room, just coming off of her shift, when Crystal entered the room with a giddy smile. “You have a visitor,” she said trying not to squeak.

Rachel’s heart jumped in her chest, knowing that Crystal would only be this excited if it were Nick. She hadn’t spoken to him since he left her house that night and was really beginning to worry about him. It was partially her fault too, she hadn’t exactly called him either, but she knew she’d upset him when she’d turned him down and she didn’t really know what to say to him now. She was sure he hated her.

She was relieved that he was coming to her first, and surprised at how excited she was to see him again. She quickly gathered her things and headed out of the room, but her heart sank when she rounded the corner and saw AJ standing near the reception desk. She forced an awkward smile when their eyes met and it was clear that AJ was just as uneasy. “Can I help you?” she asked flatly.

AJ smiled nervously then asked, “Did you get the flowers?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said starting to let go of her hostility as she remembered that Brian was the evil one and not AJ. “They actually made me feel a little better, so thank you.”

“Brian told me what happened the other night, and I know you must hate us all right now, but I was really hoping we could talk?”

“I have enough drama in my life, ok? I really don’t need to get in the middle of this too.”

“Please?” AJ asked softly, “It’s about Nick.”

Rachel really didn’t want to get too involved with the other Backstreet Boys because she really didn’t want them trying to convince her of anything on Nick’s behalf, but there was a hint of desperation in AJ’s voice that worried her. Nick hadn’t talked to her in almost a week now and she was worried that something was wrong with him. Whatever it was, it was clear that AJ didn’t want to discuss it in public, so Rachel gave in to her curiosity and sighed. “Fine,” she said and began walking down the hall. She stopped and looked back at AJ when he didn’t follow her. “You coming?” she said gesturing toward the door.

AJ looked a little relieved and quickly caught up to her. He was a little confused when Rachel opened the door of her car for him, but he still climbed into the passenger seat. “I’ve got to go pick up my son from daycare right now,” she explained, “so you have about 20 minutes to say whatever it is you need to say.”

“I’m sorry to bother you like this, but I just didn’t know what else to do. Nick’s been gone for like a week and we can’t find him anywhere, he hasn’t even called any of his friends. He’s pissed as hell at all of us, and I thought if he was going to talk to anyone, it would be you.”

Rachel was flattered by the thought and worried about Nick, but for some reason she couldn’t help her feelings of bitterness towards the Backstreet Boys, and had a hard time controlling her hostility. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but I haven’t heard from him either. And quite frankly, I’m not sure he didn’t do the right thing. After that fight with Brian, and quitting his job like that, I bet the man could use a little space.”

AJ’s eyes grew wide with a glimmer of hope. “How did you know he quit?”

“Because he showed up at my place that night, drunk out of his mind, and told me all about it.”

“So he did come to you.”

“Yeah, he crashed on my couch that night and stayed until late the next evening.”

“Have you talked to him since then? Has he called you?”

Rachel’s face dropped at the question, and not only could AJ tell the answer was no, he knew there was a problem. His natural instinct for doling out relationship advice took over and he asked what happened. “It’s nothing,” Rachel replied.

“I know I’m a stranger and all, but I know Nick, and if you two are having some kind of problem I might be able to help you understand what’s going on in that crazy head of his.”

Rachel really didn’t want to explain all the details to AJ but she did want to know more about Nick. He was always willing to tell her anything she wanted to know, but he’d left so abruptly the other night after he told her it was ok that she didn’t want to be in a relationship. Rachel was really curious what AJ could tell him about Nick’s dating habits so she let go a sigh and began to spill everything that had happened between them. AJ was surprisingly easy to talk to and before she knew it, they were having their conversation over dinner.

Rachel discovered a lot about Nick that night. AJ told her a little about his home life, and all the trouble he’s had with relationships because of it. She understood now, at least a little, why Nick was so upset the other night. It seemed to her that Nick was desperate to be loved. He was like a puppy without a home. He wanted to be close to Rachel. He’d asked her to let him in and she refused him.

Rachel hated herself for being so distant, especially when he’d been so wonderful. She wanted to let him in. She wanted him to know that she wasn’t rejecting him, so after she got home and put Spencer in bed, she fell to the couch and pulled out her cell phone. She flipped to Nick’s number and starred at it a moment before dialing. As she listened to it ring she began to get nervous. She knew that talking to him would mean confronting her past and she wasn’t sure she was ready for it, but she really didn’t want to lose Nick’s friendship, and if she didn’t talk to him she might do just that. She let go a deep breath when his voice mail picked up. “Hey Nick,” she said to the recording, “I just wanted to see how you’re doing. I’ve missed you this week. We need to talk. I want to apologize about the other night, and would like a chance to explain so please call me back.”

She hung up the phone with a sigh and then went to bed with a heavy heart.