Chapter 12
Nick woke up with a pounding headache, not knowing what time it was, or what time he got in last night. In fact, he wasn’t even sure what day it was or how long he’d been there. All he did know was that it had been a while, and getting away was not helping like he thought it would.
He actually felt worse than he did when he left. Sure he’d had some fun, and he’d gotten plenty of action, and sure the woman lying naked in his bed at the moment was totally hot, but she wasn’t Rachel, she was Mimi. Or was it Cici? Fifi? “Aw, hell, it doesn’t matter anyway,” He grumbled under his breath as he slipped out of bed.
On his way to the bathroom, Nick grabbed his cell phone trying to figure out what time it was, and when he saw that his voicemail box was completely full he sighed. Locking himself in, he filled the jacuzzi style tub and flipped through his call log as he let the hot water pound out his tight muscles.
Of course all of his messages were from the guys and his management. He didn’t care about any of those. The guys were not going to talk him out of quitting. He didn’t care that the guys sounded worried. He was glad they did. He hoped they were going out of their minds with worry. And he actually got a kick out of how angry his management sounded.
But then, in the middle of all the angry messages, came one sweet, sincere message asking Nick for the chance to apologize. It didn’t demand to know where he was like all the others, and it didn’t demand for him to come home. Instead she said she missed him and that she wanted to apologize. Nobody else missed him. Nobody else was sorry. It seemed that nobody else really cared about him; they just cared about how he affected them. But Rachel cared. She cared about him. And she missed him.
Rachel’s voice was the sweetest thing Nick had ever heard and he played the message over again just to hear it. On the third or fourth replay, Nick realized how sad she sounded and he felt awful for not even thinking to call her. She didn’t say she was worried, but she sounded like she was, and Nick hated that he’d caused her worry.
Nick listened to when the message was left and then nearly had a heart attack when he realized that the message was over a week old already. “Damnit!” he yelled as he remembered the last time he’d talked to her – the way he just walked out on her. “Carter, you’re such a jackass!”
Nick started to call her, but decided he owed it to her to talk to her in person. She was the only person in the world he cared about anymore, ad he didn’t want to screw it up with her. He quickly got himself clean and dressed, and kicked Mimi or Fifi or whoever she was out. It was time for him to go home.
Nick drove straight to Rachel’s apartment. By the time he got there, it was late, but he was relieved to see the dim light of the television was glowing through the curtains. He had no idea what he was going to say to her, and for a moment he nearly chickened out of knocking, but in the end, he just had to see her, so he tapped softly on the door.
Rachel answered the door in her robe and rubbed her eyes as if she’d been sleeping, but when she saw Nick her face lit up. She didn’t say a single word, she just smiled and then wrapped her arms around him. Nick relaxed the instant she touched him and pulled her tightly against him. Rachel rested her head against his shoulder and let out a deep happy sigh. “Hi,” she finally breathed, breaking their silence, but not their embrace.
Nick didn’t know why, but the simple greeting made him nearly cry. He smiled, kissed the side of her head, which was covered with wet hair, and whispered, “Hi,” back.
They stood there in silence a moment longer and eventually Rachel said, “Do you want to come in?”
“Yes.”
It took a few more seconds for either of them to move, and the second they pulled apart Nick was automatically craving having her in his arms again. The feeling was so overwhelming it hurt. He wanted to hold her for the rest of forever and never let go, but he couldn’t. As he came in and followed Rachel to the couch, he again remembered the last time he was here when he asked her to let him in and she’d refused him. Instantly, the feeling of grief and despair that had pushed Nick to skip town was back and he suddenly wasn’t sure if he wanted to be here or not.
“Thank you for coming,” Rachel said shyly as they sat down next to each other. “After the way you left last time, and then you wouldn’t return my call, I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear from you again. Nick I am so sorr-”
“Rachel, I can’t do this.”
Rachel was surprised by the interruption, and something in his voice stung. “What do you mean? Can’t do what?”
“I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”
“What?” Rachel felt her heart stop, but Nick was even more shocked than Rachel was. He’d just blurted it out, but now that he’d said it, he knew it was true. He couldn’t do it anymore.
“It hurts too much,” Nick confessed. “Rachel, you make me feel amazing. When I’m with you I feel like everything in my life is going to be ok. Like I can do anything, or be anyone I want. You make me happy. But somehow I always leave feeling worse than ever. How can one person do all that? You’re like a drug. I get high, and then I crash, and every time I see you it gets worse. I can’t take it anymore. I know you don’t want a relationship, but I can’t be just friends with you. I can’t.”
“I’m sorry Nick, I never meant to…” Rachel sat there frozen on the couch, unsure how to finish that sentence, and the tears falling down her cheeks killed Nick.
“I know you didn’t,” he said with a sad smile.
Nick Kissed Rachel’s forehead and then rose to leave. “Nick, wait!”
“I’m sorry, Rachel. I can’t.”
Rachel watched Nick walk across the room and her heart broke. She couldn’t let him walk out of her life for good. She jumped up and placed herself against the front door, blocking his exit. “Wait.”
Nick, his hand still on the doorknob, waited, confused, while Rachel stood there frantically trying to think of a way to fix their problem. She knew of only one, and she wasn’t sure it was a good idea. But if she was this desperate to keep him in her life, then maybe part of her did want to be with him. Maybe she was ready.
She stood there staring into Nick’s eyes, and then she pulled her gaze from his eyes to his lips. They were only inches from her own. All she had to do was raise herself up on her tiptoes and she they would meet, but could she do it? Could she kiss him? Could she step outside the safety of a friendship and make this something more? Could she take that risk again?
Nick understood her struggle. He knew what she was thinking about doing, but, as desperate as he was to kiss her, he didn’t dare make that decision for her. He waited patiently while Rachel fought herself internally, each second feeling like an eternity, and then, finally, her lips were on his.
She was shy about the way she touched him, scared, but Nick didn’t mind because she’d just made him the happiest man on Earth. Her lips barely clung to his as if this kiss was just a test to see if the world was going to fall apart as a result of it, so Nick stood still, forcing himself to do nothing more than endure it. He didn’t kiss her back. He didn’t pull her into his arms or sweep her off her feet the way he wanted to. He just continued to wait for her.
When Rachel pulled away she was trembling. Nick watched her carefully, unsure of what she was thinking or feeling, but Rachel didn’t know any more than he did. She was confused and scared, but it felt right. Kissing him felt good. It felt as good as having his arms around her.
Rachel looked Nick over again. He was so sweet just standing there, letting her take her time, not pushing at all. She decided it didn’t matter if she was ready or not. She had to take the chance because Nick was a really good man and she would be a fool to just let him go.
Without warning, she kissed him again, and this time there was desire in it. She threw her arms around Nick’s neck causing his patience to fly out the window, and he wasted no time pulling her into his arms.
Rachel could taste the passion in his kiss. She could feel the yearning in his body, and it awakened her dormant lust. It had been so long – years – since her body’s physical needs were attended to that she quickly became overwhelmed. “Stay!” she panted. “Stay here tonight.”
Even in the throes of passion, Rachel’s request surprised Nick so much that he froze. “Stay? As in… stay?”
“As in make love to me, Nick,” Rachel clarified as she spread kisses all over his neck. “Right now… Please? It’s been so long since... Way too long.”
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Nick wondered if this was a bad idea, but he wanted her so badly. And she did say please... “Ok,” Nick whispered and then accepted the hand Rachel held out to him.
Rachel led him to her room and then turned to face him when she reached the foot of her bed. “Are you sure?” Nick asked, in response to her timid smile.
“I’m sure,” she replied and then pulled Nick’s shirt over his head.
His skin felt like fire against her fingers as she dragged them down his chest. She shivered against the warmth as goose bumps rose all over her arms, and then pulled away the tie that was holding her robe closed.
Nick kissed the crook of her neck as he pushed the robe off her shoulders and then stepped back to take a good look at her. She blushed under his gaze unable to help feeling self-conscious. “You’re beautiful, Rachel,” Nick whispered reverently and then pulled her to the bed with him.
Nick took his time with her. That was uncommon for him, but usually he barely knew the women he was with and it was really just about the sex. With Rachel it was different. He knew her. He appreciated her.
Rachel worked so hard all the time, and she hadn’t been loved in so long that Nick felt she deserved the extra attention. He thought she deserved the world and he wanted her to feel it, so he touched her everywhere, and kissed her everywhere, ignoring any of his own needs until she was begging him to be inside her.
He was slow at first, gentle. It had been so long for her, and she was tight, but if it hurt at all, she didn’t mind. “Oh God, Nick!” she cried as the burning sensations inside her began to drive her mad. “Now! I need you now!”
Nick let go of his restraint and began to move in her at a pace that made him break a sweat. He pushed deeper and harder until she cried out in pure ecstasy. The look on her face as she came to him was so captivating that Nick threw his lips on hers, and with one last thrust, joined her in her in her climax.
When he was finished, he hovered over her a moment longer, staring into her elated eyes as he struggled to slow his breathing. When he caught his breath, he lowered his lips to hers one last time and then fell to the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms.
They said nothing for a long time; both content to just lay there. Rachel was the first to break the silence. “Three years,” she whispered as if she’d been lost in thought and didn’t realize she was talking out loud.
“Three years?” Nick questioned.
Rachel twisted her body in Nick’s arms so that she could look in his eyes, and then she smiled bashfully. “I haven’t done that in three years.”
Nick was shocked. When she said it’d been a while, he was thinking in terms of months, not years. It was a little overwhelming to think that he was the one she chose to be with after all that time, but it was also sad that she’d been alone for so long.
Three years sounded like an eternity. Nick tried to think back over the last three years, he wanted to wrap his head around just how long that was and then he realized something. “Spencer’s father?” he asked.
Rachel sighed and tried to smile as she nodded, but her mind was in another place. “I’m sorry about what happened the last time you were here,” she said, suddenly snapping back to the present. “I may be great at listening and dolling out the advice, but I’ve never been able to let anyone return the favor.”
“It’s ok,” Nick said.
“No. It’s really not. You trusted me with you most intimate feelings and I should have done the same. It’s just that I trusted someone with my most intimate feelings once, and he turned around and used that to hurt me.”
“Really, Rachel, it’s ok. I know it’s hard for you. I shouldn’t have pushed you about it.”
“You were right to be angry. Relationships – even if they’re just friendships – can’t be so one sided. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
Nick wasn’t sure how to feel about that. No one in his life had ever admitted something like that to him. Not really, not when it was so important. His family was so messed up that no one ever thought they were wrong about anything and all they ever did was fight. And with the guys, Nick was the youngest. He was always the one screwing up. None of them had ever admitted to being in the wrong when they fought, not completely. Not the way Rachel just had. And in his last real relationship, with Paris, he was always wrong. According to her anyway.
The only thing Nick could think to say in Response to Rachel’s confession was a simple, “Thank you.”
Nick squeezed Rachel tight. She happily soaked up the hug and then nestled herself more comfortably in his arms as she said, “I went to college to be a teacher.”
“A teacher?” Nick repeated, surprised.
“I wanted to teach high school biology,” Rachel smirked. “But I changed my mind when I came home for Christmas break my freshman year. I lived in a small town about three hours anywhere, not just the nearest airport. My flight was delayed so it was pretty late when my parents picked me up. It’d been snowing, it was dark the roads were wet and deserted.
“About half way home a truck swerved into our lane. I was in the backseat and got knocked out for a minute from the initial impact. My father was already dead when I came to, but I could hear my mother calling his name. The dashboard had smashed her leg and practically severed it off. The blood was gushing everywhere. We were in the middle of nowhere. It took the paramedics so long to get to us that my mother bled to death in my arms.”
Rachel paused a moment to steady her voice as she began to cry. Nick’s heart broke for her, but didn’t know what to say so he just held her tighter as she continued her story. “I could have stopped it. If I’d had even the most basic first aid training, I would have known how to slow the bleeding, and I could have saved her life.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Rachel,” Nick gasped. “You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“No, I know that. And I don’t blame myself, not anymore. But I did at first. And I felt like I had to make up for her death by saving others. As soon as I got back to school I switched to premed and swore I would save as many lives as I could. That’s why I became a doctor.”
Nick sniffled, and in an unsteady voice whispered, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s ok. I mean I miss them, but love being a doctor. Whenever I help save a life it’s like I’m saving their families from going through what I went through. And I’m good at it. It’s a real talent that I have. It’s like it was my calling in life or something, and I almost wasted it on biology.”
Nick was truly amazed by Rachel. Her life made his seem like a walk in the park, and yet she was the one falling apart. He felt guilty for needing her shoulder to cry on so much, but was so glad that he would be able to be there for her now. He only hoped he’d be able to bring some much needed happiness to her.
“I wouldn’t have survived something like that, much less triumphed over it like you have. And you did it with a baby! How did you ever do it?”
Rachel shrugged. “I just did it. It was the guilt that drove me for a while, but then after what happened with Spencer’s dad, I did it just to prove a point.”
“What did happen with Spencer’s dad?”
Rachel hesitated a moment and then released a long sigh. “He was the first man I ever loved. We met in med school freshman year and I was a goner from the beginning. I got pregnant in our second year and when I told him about it, he emptied all the cash from his wallet and told me to go take care of it, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t give up my baby. We got in a huge fight over it. He said if I didn’t abort it there was no way I’d ever be able to finish school. He said it would ruin my life and that he was not going to let me take him down with me, and refused to have anything to do with the baby.”
Nick was shocked by how angry he was all of the sudden. He was outraged that someone could shirk their responsibility like that, but he was even more upset that someone could do that to Rachel.
“I had the baby over the summer between my second and third year, but I couldn’t take a semester off because the program was too competitive and I they would have given my slot to someone else. I had the money from my parent’s life insurance, and I’d sold their house, but I didn’t have any family or anything to help me take care of Spencer. Juggling a newborn and med school was practically impossible and I nearly killed myself doing it.
“I went to Spencer’s father once and asked him for help, and he said no. After saying ‘I told you so,’ he that I’d done this to myself. He said I was obsessed with what happened to my parents, and that it was making me crazy. His advice to me was that I would never make it as a doctor anyway and that I should just quit. After that I never spoke to him again.” Rachel was quiet for a moment and then smirked. “Except to say fuck you on graduation day when I got awarded residency in one of the top hospitals in the country and he was going to some tiny hospital in Podunk Kansas.”
Nick had been so angry, but that last comment actually made him laugh. “Good for you,” he said, and then stopped laughing as he got lost in Rachel’s smile. “You are an amazing woman,” he said, and couldn’t help but start another round of lovemaking.
Author's Chapter Notes:
holy random. I sat down to write Jamie and somehow ended up with a new chapter of The Day I Fall. (Don't worry, Brandy, I'm still going to try to have Jamie done by tonight, I'm almost there!) Anyhoo, I think I'd written this chapter once before, but if I did, it disappeared along with my stolen computer. So if this sounds familiar, or possibly wrong, it's because I couldn't exactly remember the way I'd done it before. (HA! I couldn't even remember the rest of the story, I had to go back and skim.) Anyhoo, holy Kelly wrote a sex scene, batman! I've never done that before, but it just came out. I don't know what happened! SO, I don't think it's all that graphic as far as sex scenes go, but I am bumping up the rating on the story, so you have been warned. I swear, I don't know what's going on with me right now. The Day I Fall and a sex scene all in one night? Weird. Sorry, rambling... Go read the chapter.
