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Chapter 5


It was nearly eleven when Nick got home that night, which for him was early. He didn’t really care to be alone, but everyone he knew would, no doubt, be out at some party somewhere, so he sacked out on the couch and flipped the TV on. He let the image lie on some b-flick monster movie but couldn’t really pay attention. All he could think about was how today had been one of the strangest of his life. It started out as one of the worst, and then suddenly was one of the best, and yet now he was lying on his couch, completely alone and wallowing in depression.

Nick’s relationship with his best friend was holding together by a single thread and yet he wasn’t that upset about it, somehow Rachel made up for it. Nick barely knew her, but the idea of getting to know her better, of having someone else in his life that he could be himself around, was extremely relieving. When he thought of Rachel, he smiled and there weren’t many people left in Nick’s life that had that affect on him. He had only a handful of real friends but over the past few months he’d distanced himself from them. And the guys, well things were just weird there.

Nick began flipping channels again and stopped when he came across coverage of that night’s star-studded event. The channel was recapping the night’s winners and showed a clip of the Backstreet Boys presenting one of the awards. “We should leave the music biz and all become actors,” he grumbled as stared at the smiling faces on the screen.

From all outward appearances they looked happy, but in reality they were more upset with each other than they’d ever been. Or, the others were more upset with Nick, that is. Nick had now spent nearly half his life with the Backstreet Boys and his band mates were more than just coworkers to him. They were his friends, his family. They were the four people in his life that he trusted wholeheartedly and truly loved. They were, in a sense, his brothers, and, sometimes, Nick felt they were all he had. As angry as he was with them, deep down Nick knew how much they meant to him and that’s why it hurt so badly.

Nick’s attention perked up when he saw footage from the red carpet. He watched himself smile for the camera and laughed at the way he seemed to be proudly dragging Rachel with him. It was obvious that Rachel didn’t quite belong in that world, but that only made her look special. The clip was short and the camera quickly moved on to Beyonce, who had arrived right after the Backstreet Boys that night, but Nick hit the rewind on his ti-vo and watched the clip of him and Rachel again. He couldn’t take his eyes from her and after watching her walk the red carpet three more times, he was once again in a very good mood.

The way Rachel made him feel was extraordinary. It was a lot like the way Brian used to make him feel when they first met. At the time, Brian seemed like such a “normal” kid. He was a bit older, but he’d grown up doing things like camping, and playing little league, and going to school. It was things like that that Nick desired, and when he was around Brian it was the closest thing he had to being a normal kid himself. For a while Nick clung to Brian desperately, and they became closer than two people ever could. They truly were Frick and Frack. Seeing what they had become now was painful, and the good mood that Rachel created was gone as quickly as it had come.

Nick turned off the TV and headed upstairs to his room, stopping at the liquor cabinet on the way. He used to feel guilty every time he picked up a drink. He’d seen what the stuff had done to AJ, but after Paris broke his heart it seemed as if alcohol was the only thing that could take away the pain. Nick was a fool to think that it had cured him, and he knew that all it did was numb him temporarily, but now he didn’t care. The feeling of being numb on the inside was better than the feelings that were normally in his heart, so he drank. He cranked up the Metallica, climbed in his bed, and drank until he passed out.

Nick had fallen asleep with the radio blaring, and set to repeat, so he never heard the alarm in the morning, nor did he hear the many phone calls. In fact, he didn’t wake up until the music was turned off. When the room went quiet he opened his eyes to find Kevin standing over him. “You still alive?”

“No,” Nick groaned when he realized just how hung over he was.

“I thought you weren’t in the mood for a party last night,” Kevin chuckled.

“No offense Kevin, but what the fuck are you doing in my house waking me up so early in the morning?”

“It’s two thirty in the afternoon,” Kevin argued.

Nick glanced at his alarm clock and tried to remember just how much he had to drink last night. “I came to give you this back,” Kevin handed Nick the cell phone he’d left at the video shoot the day before. “I also came to bring you to the barbeque.”

Nick groaned again and threw the covers over his head, but Kevin pulled them back again. “You have to come, it’s Howie’s house warming party.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “I’ll come to the next one. The guy buys a new house like every other month.”

“The guys all think you’re mad at them. It might do you some good to play nice for a while,” Kevin said more bluntly. He wasn’t surprised when Nick glared at him. “Brian especially.”

“I am mad!” Nick yelled. “You all bitched so much about me bringing a damn date last night, and then when I did you were complete assholes to her.”

“You’ve got to admit, Nick, you said some pretty hurtful things to Brian yesterday. He had a right to be angry.”

“If he wants to be pissed at me, fine, what else is new? But Rachel didn’t do a damn thing. She’s a good person and she didn’t deserve the cold shoulder.”

Nick released a heavy sigh and he lowered his voice. Kevin smiled at the way Nick calmed down when he brought up Rachel. He could tell that this girl meant something more to Nick than most of the women he was usually with, and it peaked his curiosity. “I was going to ask you about her,” he teased. “Not your usual posse.”

“I told her you guys were going to love her,” Nick smirked bitterly. “I actually thought Brian might be proud of me for once. Looks like idiot Nick was wrong again.”

Nick pulled the covers over his head once again and Kevin frowned, catching a glimpse of what was really going on. Nick’s anger was a lot deeper than he’d realized. “Brian is always proud of you,” he said sitting on the bed.

He sighed when he heard a muffled, “Bullshit,” from under the covers.

“He loves you.”

“He’s got a really fucked up way of showing it.”

“Self pity’s not going to help, Nick.”

Nick pulled his head from underneath the covers so that Kevin would see the dirty look he was giving him, but Kevin’s somewhat short temper was reaching the end of it’s rope. “It’s hard watching you make the same mistakes over and over. You’re self-destructing, and you’re alienating yourself from everyone. You’ve got to make an effort before everyone else stops, so get your ass out of bed and come to Howie’s with me.”

Nick gave in to Kevin’s demands for two reasons. One, he knew Kevin would never leave without him, and two, deep down he knew Kevin was right. Nick’s relationship with the guys was not what it used to be and he had no one to blame but himself. He’d pushed them away.

Over the years they’d all done a lot of growing up. Nick was the youngest though, and the last to try his hand at maturity. The older the guys got, the more they grew up, and the more they tried to bring Nick with them, but Nick didn’t want to follow. He’d been forced to be an adult at a very young age when he was thrown into show business, and even before that, he was the oldest of five siblings, and forced to pick up the slack of his screwed up parents. He’d never had the opportunity to be a kid and even though his band mates were ready to step into adult hood, Nick wasn’t. The more they tried to help him, the more he resented them, and the worse things got. Not just in their relationship, but in every aspect of Nick’s life.

As much as Nick was pissed off at the guys, he didn’t want to lose them so, although he gave Kevin a look that said he wasn’t happy about it, Nick heaved himself from bed, threw on some clothes, and a dark pair of sunglasses, and went with Kevin to Howie’s house. “Try to cheer up, huh?” Kevin warned as they let themselves into the house.

“Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence,” Howie said only half joking when Kevin and Nick made their way into the backyard.

“Cut the shit Howie. I’m here, ain’t I?”

“Only because we made Kevin go get you,” Brian grumbled from across the patio.

Nick sent him a piercing glare and then gave Kevin a look screaming I told you so. “Well I’m here, so quit your bitchin’ and let’s eat. I’m fucking starved.”

“Somebody’s grumpy,” AJ teased. “What’s the matter couldn’t get laid last night? I thought you were gonna go home and play a little doctor.”

“Fuck off AJ!”

“Sorry, man,” AJ said backing off. He was surprised at the harsh reaction. He and Nick razzed each other about sex on almost a daily basis.

Kevin shot AJ a friendly warning look and then Howie stepped in trying to lighten the mood a bit. “So how’d you meet this girl anyway?”

Nick sighed. Part of him wanted to tell them all about Rachel and how wonderful she was, but he was afraid that because he was one telling them about her, they weren’t going to like her no matter what, so he decided to be selfish and keep her all to himself. “This is a nice pad you got here, Howie. You planning to keep this one?”

Howie smirked but then shrugged. “Depends on the market I guess.”

Everyone was curious about what was going on with Nick and why he wouldn’t tell them about this girl, but they were tired of the bickering and decided to let sleeping dogs lie. They managed to get trough the rest of the day without arguing, and even though things went unspoken between Nick and Brian, Nick left Howie’s feeling a little bit better.

The following day the Backstreet Boys had a meeting with their manager. Nick was known to be late but he really didn’t want another fight so he made an extra attempt to be early. He smiled to himself when he was the first one sitting around the large conference table but the smile disappeared when Brian walked in the room. Things got awkward real fast and Nick cast his eyes down to his lap. Brian slowly took the seat next to Nick and after thinking for a minute, broke the silence. “I talked to Kevin last night.”

“Good for you,” Nick spat.

“I’m trying to apologize here. I guess I’ve been a little hard on you lately.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry too,” Nick sighed. “I said some pretty shitty stuff the other day.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just worried about you, Nick. You haven’t been quite the same since you broke up with Paris. I don’t want to see you get hurt again is all.”

“Trust me Brian, I’ve learned my lesson.”

“Have you?”

Nick’s temper flared inside but he was tired of fighting. He bit back his anger and said as calmly as he could, “I know I’ve made some mistakes but believe me, I’m done with that.”

“Then who’s this girl?”

“Rachel’s different, and she has nothing to do with this. Besides, we’re just friends.”

“If she’s so different then why won’t you tell us anything about her? What are you hiding? Did you meet her in a strip club or something? Is that why you’re ashamed of her?”

“Rachel’s not a stripper! She just doesn’t want to be a part of this life style, you arrogant prick.” Brian was stunned silent as he watched Nick shake his head in disgust. “It’s not Rachel I’m ashamed of. I haven’t told you anything about her because I want to protect her from you.”

“What did I do?”

“I know what you think of me. You’re not going to like any girl I introduce you to because you don’t trust me. Rachel deserves better than that.”

“Of course I trust you.”

“Bullshit! If you trusted me we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

Brian was so shocked and hurt that his temper got as hot as Nick’s. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that I know you too well. And now you’re doing it again with this girl. It’s the same thing every time.”

“I am not. I told you it’s different with Rachel.”

“That’s what you say about all of them,” Brian said in more of a desperate tone than an angry one. “I’m just trying to help. We met this girl one time and she’s already pulling you away from us, just like Paris did.”

“That was different,” Nick said coldly.

“How?”

“Because when I was with Paris, she was the one pulling me away. This time I’m the one pulling. I tried to introduce you to Rachel. I gave you the chance to get to know her, but your head was too far up your ass.”

Brian sat back in his chair with no reply. It was true; he’d been really rude the other night and he knew it. Not only had Rachel heard him talking about her, but also Leighanne gave him quite the lecture once they’d gone home that night.

Nick saw the guilt in Brian’s eyes, but of course he couldn’t admit that he was wrong, so Nick glared at him and then moved to a seat at the opposite end of the conference table and waited in silence for the other’s to arrive. He looked at his watch and wondered what Rachel was doing right now and began counting the hours until she would be done working. He spent his last couple of free minutes trying to decided how long he had to wait, once she got home, before he could call her.

***

Just a few blocks down the street, and now 16 hours into her shift, Rachel’s head was starting to pound. She was a very hard worker, but coming to one of the biggest hospitals in Los Angeles from the community medical center in Smithville, Kansas, where she was from, was proving to be the most challenging task she’d ever come up against. She found the big city life very exhausting. “That’s the last time I agree to pull a double,” she said plopping down in a chair behind the nurse’s station.

Over the last six weeks closest thing she had to a friend was Crystal, one of the nurses on staff. The two had a lot in common. They were both single mothers working hard to make ends meet. “It gets easier,” Crystal said sympathetically.

“I need a drink,” Rachel joked while pulling her shoe off to rub her aching foot.

“You need a man,” Crystal teased.

“I have a man,” Rachel replied. “He’s just two and a half feet tall and calls me mom.”

As Crystal and Rachel had a good laugh, a deliveryman set an absurdly large arrangement of really expensive flowers on the desk in front of them. “Wow!” Crystal said. “Somebody in here is really loved.”

“Is there a doctor on staff here by the name of Rachel?” the deliveryman asked.

Crystal smiled curiously at Rachel who just stared at the man stunned. “Um, yeah, my name is Rachel,” she stammered.

The man smiled. “Good. Can you sign here please?”

“There must be some mistake. These can’t be for me.”

“Are you the Rachel who was at the American Music Awards the other night?”

Crystal’s playful grin turned into a look of shock. “Yeah, that was me,” Rachel said as a smile began to spread across her face.

“Then there’s no mistake. These are for you.”

Rachel tried not to blush as she signed for the flowers. Once the deliveryman was gone Crystal stood there with her hands on her hips demanding an explanation. Rachel opened her mouth to explain but before she could her beeper went off. Duty called and she took off running down the hall.

***

Right as Rachel found herself in the midst of a chaotic accident, Nick began wishing he were in one. Today’s meeting was about the upcoming tour for the album that was just released and Nick figured a bad enough accident would give him an excuse to get out of it. Its not that he didn’t like touring, but tours were so stressful and he really didn’t like traveling. Not to mention that the thought of having to be cooped up for months with the other guys seemed like cruel and unusual punishment at the moment. “Nick!” Nick shook himself from his thoughts when he heard his name being called, “Nick!”

Nick looked up to see everyone frowning at him. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I was just…”

“Distracted?” his manager Johnny offered.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Johnny sighed. “What’s with you lately, Nick? You were distracted through the entire video shoot this week too. Need I remind you that you guys haven’t put out an album in five years? You aren’t exactly the phenomenon you were then. If you want this comeback to be successful you can’t be distracted all the time. This tour is vital.”

“Sorry,” Nick said again.

Nick slumped back in his chair thinking that Johnny’s lecture was a bit uncalled for. He’d worked his ass off on that video despite the soreness of the subject, but the truth was, Nick worked hard because it was his job and he didn’t want to let the others down, but his heart hadn’t been in it. If he seemed distracted at all, that was why.

Nick couldn’t remember the last time he’d really put his heart and soul into his music the way he used to. He didn’t really see the point. He put everything he had into his solo album and it was a flop. The critics practically laughed him off stage. It was a devastating blow, and it shattered his confidence. Since then, Nick’s love for music had slowly fizzled out and now it was just work.

Nick suffered through the rest of his meeting and as soon as it was finished he bolted before anyone could say anything to him. He frowned because his meeting was now finished and he had nothing to do, but Rachel didn’t get off work for another hour and he was dying to talk to her again. They’d had the most amazing time together and then he had to wait for over two days to even talk to her again.

Normally Nick was not the type to be clingy, but Rachel had been so uplifting, and after the last two days Nick desperately needed a pick me up. He couldn’t bring himself to go home so he began aimlessly driving the streets of LA and eventually he wound up at the ocean. It was dark and cold, but the sound of waves crashing on the shore was one of the most soothing sounds on the planet, so Nick sat on the deserted beach and let his mind wander.