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Chapter 6

Rachel fought hard for several hours, but in the end was unable to do anything for the 41-year-old car accident victim. The hardest part of her job was not losing one of her patients, but having to inform the family of the tragic news. When she told the woman that her husband was gone, she looked down at the confused faces of their two small children and a piece of her heart broke along with theirs. She hugged the distraught woman and showed her down the hall to meet with a grievance counselor who would help the woman with all the paperwork that went along with death.

Rachel always took the accident victims a lot harder than the illness deaths. It was such a rude shock to have to lose someone so unexpectedly. The kind of event a person will never fully recover from. At the end of her shift, Rachel was beat both emotionally and physically and was almost out the door when she saw the enormous bouquet of flowers sitting at the nurse’s station. The flowers brought a much-needed smile to her face. Nick Carter, Rachel thought to herself as she headed back to the nurse’s station to collect her flowers, I know I said I wanted to keep things low key, but I could get used to this.

Rachel took a deep breath, inhaling the intoxicating scent of the exotic arrangement. She found a card and grinned as she opened it, but the smile faded when she read the message.

I’m so sorry about the other night. We were all angry and it had nothing to do with you. I was an ass. Please accept my apology. Yours Truly, Alex McLean

Rachel was glad for the apology but was disappointed that the flowers were from AJ and not Nick. She hadn’t talked to Nick since the other night and although he said he wasn’t going to call her until Thursday, she really hoped he would. The truth is, Rachel was lonely and she needed a friend just as much as Nick did. She couldn’t help the insecurity she felt and was afraid that he was not going to call her. Rachel threw her head down on the counter. “Why don’t we go get you that drink?” she heard Crystal say behind her.

Rachel picked herself up and smiled a tired smile.

Rachel put her flowers in the back seat of her car and then headed across the street to blow off some steam with her friend. “To the end of a long day,” she toasted before taking a huge swig of beer.

Crystal agreed whole heartedly to the toast and after knocking back quite a bit of her own beer said, “So how drunk do I have to get you before you tell me about those flowers?”

Rachel sighed and took another sip of her drink. “They’re nothing,” she said.

“Honey, when a guy sends you flowers like that, it’s not nothing! So, who is he?”

Rachel reached into her pocket and pulled out the card that came with the flowers. She slid it across the bar. “That’s quite an apology,” Crystal said after reading it.

“He was quite an ass,” Rachel muttered.

The women sat in silence for a minute letting their drinks settle their nerves. “You never told me you went on a date,” Crystal said breaking the silence. “Who is this guy?”

“He’s a Backstreet Boy,” Rachel said with a heavy sigh.

Crystal’s eyes grew wide as she read the name on the card again. “Alex McLean!” she said trying not to yell. “As in AJ?!”

“You’re a fan?”

“Girl you have no idea! I love the Backstreet Boys! How on Earth did you end up on a date with AJ McLean?!”

“Actually I went out with Nick, to the American Music Awards, but it wasn’t a date. AJ was just there, and he’s right, he was an ass, but Brian was way worse.”

“Isn’t he supposed to be the nice one?” Crystal asked.

Rachel threw her hands in the air. She quickly told Crystal the whole story while she finished her drink. “Girl I don’t care if you’re just friends or not. You have got to get up on that if you get the chance,” Crystal said when she was finished.

Rachel tried not to laugh and gave Crystal a strange look. “Nick Carter is one fine piece of ass and you know it!” Crystal teased.

Rachel and Crystal finished off their drinks with a nice laugh and then went their separate ways. By the time Rachel picked up her son and got him home she had only enough time to feed him and give him a bath before it was his bedtime. She tucked him in and kissed him good night, then took a nice long hot shower. Once the water in the shower turned cold, she forced herself out. Too exhausted to do anything else, but not ready to sleep, she threw on her bathrobe, wrapped a towel around her head, and lied down on the couch.

***

Nick sat on the cold beach for so long that his nose was running. When he finally began the drive home it was nearly 9 pm. He thought for sure two hours was enough time for Rachel to be home and settled. He was anxious to talk to her but couldn’t help feeling a little insecure. She hadn’t acted like other girls when he first met her. Normally women were too forward with Nick, and starving for his attention, but if he hadn’t asked her to go to lunch with him, she would have walked right out of his life. He also practically had to force her to go to the AMA’s with him, and then she said he had to call her. While she’d been very attentive and sweet, Nick couldn’t help but be nervous as he dialed her number. Rachel had only dosed off on the couch for a minute or two when her phone rang. “Hello?” she answered heavily.

“It’s Thursday,” said the voice on the other end of the line.

Rachel smiled ear to ear when she heard Nick’s voice. “So you actually meant it when you said you were going to call.”

Nick let go a big sigh of relief when he heard the excitement in Rachel’s voice. She sounded happy to hear from him and Nick had a tiny boost in his confidence. “Whatcha doin?” he asked.

“I’ve only been home for like an hour. I took a shower and now I’m laying on my couch, and I’m pretty sure I am not going to leave it until morning.”

“Long day?” Nick asked casually.

“The worst,” Rachel replied.

Nick listened to Rachel ramble for a minute and then cut her off. “I’m so bored,” he said impatiently, “and you’re not doing anything, so I’m coming over.”

“You’re just inviting yourself huh?” Rachel laughed.

“Isn’t that what friends do? They just come over and hang out when they’re bored?”

“I guess,” Rachel replied.

“Good! Because I’m in your area.”

“You are?”

“Yup, so I’ll see you soon,” Nick replied cheerfully then hung up before Rachel could protest.

Rachel was surprised at how happy she was that Nick was coming over. She’d had a long day and was excited for the company. She looked down at the bathrobe she was wrapped in and thought it might be wise if she put some clothes on, so she pulled herself off the couch, but she barely had time to stand up before Nick was knocking at her door. “In my area?” she laughed as she let him in.

“So I was downstairs, sue me,” Nick looked over at the couch and smiled, “I thought you weren’t going to move from the couch.”

“I figured I should put some clothes on,” Rachel laughed, “We’re not that good of friends yet.”

Nick laughed and then made himself comfortable on the couch while Rachel changed. She put on some pajama pants and a tank top and clipped her bangs out of her face. When she returned Nick looked her over curiously. “So that’s what girls look like without make-up on,” he teased.

“You invite yourself over, this is what you get,” Rachel said sitting down.

“I like it,” Nick said. “It’s real.”

Things got quiet and Rachel watched Nick as he curiously examined her apartment. He noticed the flowers on the table and was about to ask about them but Rachel stopped him before he could ask, not wanting to explain why she’d received flowers from AJ. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but what are you doing here?” she asked bluntly.

Nick’s attention was drawn from the flowers. “Hanging out,” he replied nervously.

Rachel heard the hesitation in his voice and knew there was more to it than that. “You want to tell me the REAL reason you’re here?”

Nick shrugged. “I had a bad day and needed to see a friendly face. Pathetic as it is, I think you’re the only friendly face I know right now.”

Rachel smiled warmly when Nick looked at her, surprised that had just come out of his mouth. “How do you do that?” he asked.

“Do what?”

“Well I’m usually just not that…” Nick searched for the right word.

“Honest about your feelings?”

“I was going to say open,” Nick shrugged. “I’m usually the strong silent type.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Rachel laughed. “Maybe you just really need to talk.”

“I knew I was gonna look needy,” Nick said with a frown.

Rachel laughed. “No more so than the first time we met,” she teased.

Nick cringed remembering their first encounter. “I swear I’m not always like this,” he protested.

“Relax Nick,” Rachel said placing a reassuring hand on his knee. “I liked ya then, and I like ya now.”

Nick looked at her hand surprised by the gesture. He really was a little needy. He needed someone to care about him, truly care about him. When Rachel touched him he began to crave her. Not in a sexual way though. Somehow she made him feel safe. When she touched him it was like he knew things were going to be ok. After the day he’d had, he just wanted to be able to crawl into her comforting arms and let her hold him. Of coarse he didn’t want to scare her, so he suppressed those feelings, and instead, swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at his feet.

Rachel caught a glimpse of the man she’d seen in the plaza. Her motherly instincts took over and she wrapped her arms around Nick just as if she’d read his thoughts. Nick melted into her embrace, just breaths away from bursting into tears. Rachel was surprised that Nick was a lot more upset than he’d seemed. She couldn’t help but smile at the similarity between them. “You hide it well,” she thought out loud.

“Huh?” Nick asked pulling himself out of her arms even though he never wanted to leave them.

“I thought I was the only one who could hide my emotions, but you almost had me fooled. You want to tell me about it?”

Nick wanted to say no. He wanted to be strong, but he couldn’t lie to Rachel. She already knew something wasn’t right, there was no use denying it. “I want out,” he whispered in a broken voice.

“Out?” Rachel questioned with a puzzled look.

“I don’t want to be a Backstreet Boy anymore.”

Rachel tired to hide her look of surprise but couldn’t. She was shocked. Nick released a long sigh, feeling like a weight lifted from his chest. He didn’t have to look at Rachel to know what she was thinking. “I’ve never actually said that out loud before,” he admitted shyly. “It feels so real now.”

“Wow!” Rachel muttered and then kicked herself for not having anything better to say.

Nick didn’t think twice about it though. That was a lot to lay on somebody all at once like that. “I’ve been trying to tell myself that I am being unreasonable, and that I love my life, but I don’t. I hate being a Backstreet Boy.”

Nick stopped talking when he became choked up. He’d never felt more exposed in all his life. He wondered what Rachel was thinking, or rather, he was scared of it. Ever since he’d joined the Backstreet Boys people only wanted to be his friend because of who he was. He was scared that if Rachel knew he didn’t want to be in the group anymore, she wouldn’t want to be his friend. His eyes welled up with tears as he waited for Rachel to talk him out of it, and he couldn’t believe it when she smiled. She wiped away his tears and pulled him in for another tight hug. “It’s no wonder you had such a bad day,” she whispered, “I can’t imagine what kind of pressure that must be.”

Nick sat back shocked. “You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” Rachel asked completely confused. “I wouldn’t want to be a Backstreet Boy either.”

Nick practically squeezed the life out of Rachel, hugging her as tightly as he could. Knowing that there was at least one person who understood, and even supported him, made Nick start to see light at the end of the tunnel, and he could feel the life returning to him that very moment.

Nick wiped his tears and stared helplessly at Rachel, having no idea what to say or do. He couldn’t believe he’d opened up to a total stranger that way, but somehow he felt like he’d know Rachel forever. He’d never dared talk to anyone about the things he was really feeling.

Not even Brian, his best friend, knew what was really going on inside Nick’s head. That was actually a lot of the trouble the two seemed to be having lately. Brian was the one thing that always kept Nick sane during the craziness of their career. They both knew that since Brian started a family of his own things were not the same, but they still loved each other. Now, Nick was not so sure. All they ever did anymore was fight.

As Brian pursued a solo career as a Christian artist he began to get a little more self-righteous every day. It seemed to Nick that instead of the friend he once had been, Brian looked at him now as more of a project, like it was his calling in life to bring Nick to Jesus. Nick believed there was a God as well as the next man, but the whole ‘holier than now’ lifestyle just wasn’t him.

Rachel sat there, mesmerized, as she watched Nick swim through his thoughts. He was so lost that he didn’t even know how to ask for help. “Are you sure that’s what you really want?” she finally asked in a whisper.

“Honestly?” Nick replied, and Rachel gave him a warm smile. “I don’t know. I mean being a Backstreet Boy has its advantages, and it’s been an amazing ride.” Nick sat in silence for a moment then the frustration resurfaced. “But I need to live my own life!”

Nick was so desperate it was heartbreaking, but once he started talking it was like he’d opened up a floodgate, spilling all of the feelings he been locking up for years. “It’s like being in prison. There are so many things I can’t do and anything I want to do, I have to ask permission first. And there’s so many things I’ve never done because I didn’t have time for it. I want to feel normal. I want to do things that normal people do. I want to control my life, and not be controlled by it,” Nick sighed heavily. “I’m just tired. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. My mother threw me into it long before I was ready to make that decision on my own, and now it’s all I know. I missed out on so much. I never got to be a kid, ya know?”

“Then why keep doing it?” Rachel asked.

Nick sighed. “There are so many reasons that I shouldn’t quit. Good reasons. I really do love performing, and if I couldn’t sing I don’t know what I’d do. And then there are the fans. I love my fans. I owe so much to them. How could I let them down like that? And the guys…” Nick’s voice trailed off as he thought about what leaving the group would mean for them. “They’re my brothers. Leaving them would be like stabbing a knife in their back. It’s kind of sad, but they’re all I’ve got.”

“What about your real family?”

Nick laughed harshly. “My parents are screwed up! I’m better off without them.”

“And your brothers and sisters?”

“We don’t really talk a whole lot. We’re all trying to fix the damage our parents did, and it’s not like they ever taught us to how to help each other, or talk to each other. Hell I doubt if we all even love each other.”

“Oh, Nick! That’s an awful thing to say.”

“It’s the truth. That’s why I’ve stuck with the guys all these years. They’re the only ones that have ever loved me. If I left them I would be completely on my own. There’s nobody else.”

“What if there was?”

Nick looked at Rachel confused. “What if you had a friend that would help you get through this? Someone who would help you tell the guys what you really want. Would you stay or would you quit?”

“I don’t know. It’s complicated. But it doesn’t matter because there is nobody like that. When I told you, you were the only friendly face I could think of today, I was serious.”

Rachel gave Nick a look as if to say HELLO? WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU? When he saw the look on her face, and realized what she was saying, his mouth dropped in disbelief. “You would do that for me?”

“Isn’t that what friends do?” Rachel said with a smirk. “When they aren’t buys inviting themselves over to each others’ houses?”

Nick was still confused. It was a sweet offer for sure but she couldn’t possibly realize what she was saying. Nick felt the need to tell her exactly what would happen. “Do you know what would happen if I left the group?” he said warningly. “It would be a media circus. There would be endless reporters and photographers, and new rumors in the tabloids every day. I can’t imagine the kind of backlash I would get. The fans would hate me and the guys would feel betrayed. They wouldn’t take it well. And you know, anyone who takes my side would be under just as much scrutiny. In this case, that would be you. If you were there when I told the guys, they’d probably blame you. And, if the media saw us together at all, you would be labeled as the evil woman who forced me to quit or something. We’d be the two most hated people in the world.”

“First of all,” Rachel laughed gently, “you’re the Backstreet Boys, not the Beatles.”

“Oh, thank you,” Nick said cracking a smile.

“And secondly,” Rachel continued more sympathetically, “if it really meant your happiness, then yes, I would do that for you.”

“But why?” Nick said truly astonished. “You don’t even know me.”

“And yet you’re sitting in my living room telling me things you’ve never told another living soul,” Rachel replied with a loving smile and took Nick’s hand in hers. “I know what it’s like to be alone.”

Nick’s hesitation started to fade and the corners of his mouth began to curve upward. “I’ve lived here for nearly two months now and you’re the first person to just stop by,” Rachel admitted. She felt her cheeks turn pink and she shrugged. “Maybe I need you as much as you need me.”

Rachel’s words hit Nick like a ton of bricks. In all his life, sad as it may sound, no one had ever told him that they needed him before. The emotions Nick felt were overwhelming him. The feeling was completely new, and it was amazing. Without warning Nick threw his arms around Rachel. He’d never cared about anyone in his life more, and he’d only known her for a few days. Tears filled his eyes as he held on to Rachel tightly. “I’m going to be the best friend you’ve ever had,” he whispered, “I promise.”

Rachel sat there soaking up Nick’s affection. She’d lived for years now with only the love of her son, and even though she didn’t show it much, she was more grateful for Nick than he could possibly understand. She closed her eyes, feeling Nick’s strong arms around her, and eventually she hugged him back.

When they let go of each other there were tears running down both their cheeks. Rachel reached up and giggled as she wiped Nick’s face dry. Nick in return dried Rachel’s, snickering at how silly they looked. “We’re in trouble,” Rachel said and their giggles turned into laughter.

Once they settled down, they sat in silence for a minute not knowing what to do next until Rachel’s stomach grumbled loud enough for Nick to hear. “Didn’t you eat dinner?” he asked curiously.

Rachel shrugged, realizing how hungry she was. She thought back on her long day and realized that she never did get a chance to eat. “They make you work 24 hours straight and they don’t even feed you?” Nick said, sounding almost protective.

“Things got a little crazy near the end of my shift. I had a car accident victim in really bad shape and before I knew it, it was time to go home.”

Nick looked at Rachel admiringly. “Well I guess saving a man’s life trumps a trip to the cafeteria.”

The smile on Rachel’s face faded immediately. “What’s wrong?” Nick asked when he saw the change in her mood.

“I couldn’t save him,” Rachel replied.

“He died?” Nick gasped.

Nick felt awful as he realized that Rachel had watched a man lose his life today. All the sudden, his troubles seemed so small. “Rachel I’m so sorry.”

Rachel swallowed her sadness and shrugged again, “That’s just part of the job,” she said.

“The hardest part,” Nick replied.

Rachel sighed and slumped back into the couch. “You can’t save everyone.”

Nick smiled sadly at Rachel. The sadness in her voice was so drastic it was almost mysterious. Rachel said she was good a hiding her feelings and Nick couldn’t help but wonder if she was doing that now. She’d listened to his problems and made him feel so much better that he wanted desperately to do the same for her. “I’m sure that man was still grateful that you tried,” he whispered.

Rachel had never seen it from that perspective before. “Thanks Nick,” she said softly.

Nick ended up ordering a pizza. When Rachel told him it wasn’t necessary Nick insisted, claiming that he would probably eat most of it anyway, and he did. After they ate they called it a night. Rachel was exhausted from her day and needed to get some rest before her son woke up in the morning.

Nick was walking on air when he went home that night. Having released so much to Rachel was like having a weight lifted off his chest and suddenly everything seemed just a little bit brighter. Once he was home, Nick was in such a good mood that he even decided to call Brian. Brian didn’t pick up his phone, but Nick left a sincere apology on his voice mail and then went to bed thinking he might just get a good night’s sleep for once.