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Chapter 9


The hot water felt so good on her tired muscles that Rachel lost track of time. Nick however, was excited and showered quickly. He threw on a pair of sweats and a wife beater and went downstairs to start popping the popcorn. As he fiddled around in the kitchen there was a knock at the door. He cringed when he saw Brian’s car outside the window and instantly remembered the meeting he completely flaked on, knowing Brian was going to give him a lecture.

It seemed that Brian always had a lecture now days. That used to be Kevin’s job, but lately Brian had taken on the role. The thing about Brian was that he always came under the guise of concern. “Nick your my best friend and I’m worried about you,” he would say.

Well Nick didn’t want to hear it. He’d just had the most perfect day and was really looking forward to a quiet relaxing evening with Rachel. A conversation with Brian was a sure way to kill the evening. Even though he’d called him to apologize earlier, Nick was still really pissed off at Brian and figured he was probably coming to take his turn to say he was sorry. If that were the case, then part of Nick wanted to let him in, but part of him feared it would only make things worse.

Nick felt bad about not answering the door because deep down he knew that Brian really meant well. He really was just trying to help, he just had a really messed up way of doing it. Brian didn’t let Nick think on his own anymore. Nick figured he’d just made too many bad decisions and his best friend had lost faith in him. It stung a little, but he couldn’t deny it.

Nick was sure about Rachel though. He knew deep in his heart that Rachel was not a gold digger and was not going to break his heart. He wasn’t even trying to pursue her sexually; he just needed a friend. He didn’t want to explain that to Brian though, because he was afraid it would hurt his feelings. Brian was supposed to be his best friend. Brian was supposed to be the one to help him through the rough times in his life, but things were different now. Times had changes and so had Nick. He didn’t feel comfortable opening up to Brian anymore, not the way he used to, and not the way he could with Rachel.
But, Brian was still his friend, brother, and band mate, and Nick didn’t want to lose that, so he begrudgingly opened the door for his friend. “Sup man?” he shrugged as he stepped back, allowing the smaller man through the door.

“Oh my God, Nick, your hair!”

“Yeah,” Nick said, running his hand over the fuzz on his head, “I kinda like it.”

Brian waited for further explanation and was a little annoyed when he didn’t get it, but Nick just shrugged expectantly, as if to say what are you doing here? Brian sighed dramatically before giving his reply. “You missed the meeting and you haven’t returned anyone’s calls for two days. I’m worried about you Nick.”

Nick couldn’t help but smirk at his friends’ words. “How did I know that was coming?” he replied sarcastically.

“I’m sorry about the other day Nick, but I’m not playin’. Is there something wrong with you?”

“To be honest, I wasn’t feeling so well, so I took a sick day. I guess I just forgot to let you guys know. Sorry man, I really didn’t mean to flake.”

That was the truth. Nick really had no intention of completely blowing off his meeting, but the day had been so nice he simply forgot. It was also the truth that he hadn’t been feeling well, it’s just that what was wrong with him wasn’t physical. If today had accomplished anything, it made Nick realize that it was possible for him to be happy. It also made him realize just how miserable he really was. Nick knew that he had a lot to think about now, but he wasn’t scared because he knew that Rachel would be there to help him through it. Brian watched, concerned, as Nick drifted off into deep thought. “Did you go see a doctor? I know you hate doing that, so if you want, I’ll go with you.”

“That’s alright man. I’ll be ok.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah man. Look, I’m sorry about the other day. It’s just, well like I said, I haven’t been feeling so good lately is all, but I think I’m on the up side now so don’t worry about me.”

“I didn’t mean to piss you off either,” Brian said, “I love you man. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again, that’s all.”

“Please, trust me when I say I’m not going to make another mistake like Paris again.” Nick said desperately, but cringed as Rachel’s voice sounded in the hallway. Her timing couldn’t have been worse.

“I think I’m going to have to keep these sweats Nick,” she laughed as she rounded the corner into the living room. “There’s no way they fit you. And if they do, I’ll shoot myself.”

Nick’s face paled as he watched her tug at a pair of sweats she’d found in the closet, Brian’s sweats. The fact that she was there at all when Nick was claiming he’d been sick was bad, but this really didn’t look good. Rachel was wearing borrowed clothes and had a towel wrapped around her head. She caught Brian’s gaze and instantly froze up. The smile was wiped clean from her face. She felt so awkward because of what happened between them at the AMA’s. Luckily, she didn’t know that she had been the topic of discussion or she probably would have thrown up from nerves.

Nick swallowed hard and then looked at Brian. He felt as if time were standing still as Brian’s face turned red with anger. This was surely not going to patch things up between them. “Sick huh?” Brian said biting back a scream, “Let me guess, it’s not what it looks like?”

“No, its not,” Nick said just as coldly. “But even if it was, it still wouldn’t be any of your damn business.”

“Hey Nick, maybe I should just go,” Rachel said attempting to shrink back up the stairs.

Nick looked at Rachel with sad eyes. This was really not the way he’d hoped this day would end. He didn’t want Rachel to leave, especially not under these circumstances. He could see how uncomfortable she was, and with good reason. Nick instantly felt the need to protect her and became so angry with Brian that he could hardly string together any coherent thoughts. “Please don’t go, Rachel,” he begged.

“No, it’s been a really long day and maybe I should just get Spencer home in his own bed. Today was great, and I can’t thank you enough, but we’ll have to watch the movie another time.”

“Really Rachel, Spence is fine, he’s sleeping like a baby. I’d hate for you to wake him up. Why don’t you just stay here tonight?”

“Who’s Spencer?” Brian asked.

Rachel looked uneasy and Nick felt sick by the way she fearfully glanced at Brian. The poor girl was terrified of him. Nick shot his friend a look of death, and then pleaded with Rachel. “Please? I don’t want you to go. Don’t worry, Brian was just leaving.”

“Who’s Spencer?” Brian demanded again.

Nick was not going to answer the question, but Rachel did it anyway. “He’s my son,” she answered nervously.

Brian’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “She has a son?”

Rachel starred at her feet while Nick clenched his fists. “Again, none of your damn business.”

“You’re making a mistake, Nick,” Brian tried to reason.

“Get out,” Nick warned.

Brian threw his hands in the air and then looked at his best friend with sad eyes. “Just be careful,” he said calmly, “or the next thing you know she’ll be trying to convince you to be the daddy of her illegitimate baby.”

Rachel was shocked. He’d insulted her bad enough at the awards show but now this? And to say it as if she weren’t even in the room? Without warning, Rachel slapped her hand sharply across Brian’s face. Both he and Nick were stunned speechless. Nick watched helplessly while Brian put his hand to his stinging cheek. “How dare you judge me like that. You’re supposed to be the Christian one right? I don’t know much about religion but I’m pretty sure that makes you a hypocrite because Christ wouldn’t even treat the devil the way you keep treating me.”

Rachel was surprisingly cool as she gave her little speech. Nick was in so much shock that he could only stare at her with bewildered eyes. “This is bullshit,” she said to him, “I’m out of here.”

Nick and Brian stood silently as Rachel retrieved her son from his resting place. “Rachel,” Nick said when she came back downstairs.

“I’ll call you later, Nick.”

Rachel headed for the front door with her sleeping child in her arms. She stopped in front of Brian on her way out and whispered so she wouldn’t wake Spencer. “Nick and I are friends,” she said, “and you’d better get used to it because jealousy’s a very ugly personality trait.”

With that she walked out the door. Nick and Brian listened in silence to the sound of Rachel’s car driving off. Brian felt terrible. “I’m sorry, Nick,” he attempted to apologize. Rachel’s reproach had been a bit of a wake up call.

“Get the fuck out of my life, Brian!”

“Nick?” Brian gasped almost ready to cry. He’d never seen Nick so angry.

“I mean it! Find yourself a new best friend. I fucking quit! You hear me? I quit the Backstreet Boys.”

Brian’s eyes widened with horror. “Have a nice life,” Nick said and opened the door forcing Brian to step through it and he slammed the door behind him.

Nick was a fireball of mixed emotions as he listened to Brian’s car start and slowly drive away. Once he was gone, everything became eerily silent. It was as if the world was purposefully allowing Nick’s thoughts to torture him. He opened a bottle of Vodka and took a hard swallow. He didn’t bother finding a glass. He just wanted to wash away all of his pain. He lied down on the couch and continued to drink his alcohol. He thought about what he said, that he quit the Backstreet Boys. It was something he’d been thinking about doing for such a long time now, but he didn’t want to leave on bad terms. He and the guys had been through so much. He thought he owed them at least that.

At first he was sad. He missed them already. The Backstreet Boys were his life for so long that he didn’t know what he was going to do without them. He also missed Brian. Brian was his best friend. What was he going to do without his partner in crime? Who was he going to pull pranks on? Who was he going to go to for advice on women?

The more he thought about it, the more he thought that he never pulled pranks on Brian anymore anyway, and he had long since been going to AJ for woman advice. He realized that it had been years since he had been the Frack to Brian’s Frick. Now they were just Nick and Brian and to be honest he wasn’t sure they were that anymore.

Soon Nick became angry. What gave Brian the right to treat him like a child? Was he so automatically grown up because he was married and had a kid? He was always trying to protect Nick and guide him in the right direction, but maybe Nick didn’t need his protection. Maybe he didn’t want his guidance. Just because Nick was not living his life the same way Brian was, didn’t mean he was living it wrong. So he’d made a bad choice in dating Paris Hilton, but who hasn’t made a bad choice in their life?

Nick thought he’d found love with Paris and he’d put his heart and soul into that relationship. She was beautiful, and fun, and she could have fooled anyone. It didn’t mean that Nick was stupid, and it didn’t mean that he was always going to make bad choices. He was crushed when Paris broke it off. He didn’t want to feel that again. Why didn’t Brian think he would be able to learn from his mistake? Why didn’t Brian trust him? And what gave him the right to treat Rachel the way he had?

So much for his so-called best friend. Nick couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Brian anyway. He was never rude like that. Sure things had been bad between him and Nick for a while now, but why would he hate Rachel so much? She was the opposite of everything Brian hated about Paris. She was wonderful and she never did anything to him. Nick thought Brian would be happy that he managed to find a nice girl to spend time with, but he wasn’t. Was Rachel right? Was Brian really jealous of her?

Nick’s thoughts turned to Rachel and suddenly there was a smile on his face. Even after disowning his best friend and quitting his career, today was still the best day Nick had ever had in his life. Rachel was everything he needed. She made him feel whole. She trusted him to make his own decisions. No, she forced him to. She listened to him and wanted to help him. She wanted him to be happy, not rich, or famous, or grown-up. She didn’t try to change him. She liked him just the way he was. Nick may have only known her a week, but he realized that she was the kind of person you want to hang on to. He wanted to have her in his life forever. She was his best friend now. He didn’t need Brian anymore. He didn’t need any of them anymore. As long as he had Rachel, everything would be fine.

Nick felt better and decided to go to bed. He left the mostly empty bottle of liquor on the coffee table and stumbled up the stairs past the guest room Spencer had been sleeping in. He noticed the bathroom light was still on and when he went to shut it off, he found the combs he’d given Rachel sitting on the counter. He smiled as he picked them up and a memory of Rachel, standing on the beach like an exotic island goddess, forged Nick’s brain and he saw her for the first time, really saw her, in all her beauty.

She had soft hair that danced around her beautiful face. Her eyes were a brilliant emerald green and they sparkled when she smiled. They were so warm, and sincere, and when you looked into them it was as if she were inviting you to peek into her soul, and then somehow you could feel it in your heart that everything would be ok. Then she would smile.

At that moment, in Nick’s mind, there was never a more beautiful sight than when Rachel smiled at him. When those lips of hers curled up, forcing that sparkle to enter her eyes, nothing else in the world mattered. Those delicate, soft, delicious lips.

Nick’s mouth began to water. The picture in his mind was so clear that he could practically taste Rachel’s lips on his. Nick realized how desperately he needed her. He didn’t want her to just be his friend. He wanted to feel her, and taste her. He wanted to explore every inch of her. He wanted to love her.

Nick was now full of passion and he clumsily sped across town to Rachel’s apartment. She needed to know. He needed to tell her. He needed to snatch her up before anyone else had the chance to. He was not going to screw this one up, he couldn’t. Rachel was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Rachel had fallen asleep on the sofa watching Leno, but was startled awake by the urgent pounding on her door, followed by Nick’s voice. “Rachel? Rachel, it’s me, Nick. Open up,” he called.

Rachel feared something was wrong and hurried to the door. “What is it? Are you alright?” she asked as she opened the door.

Their eyes locked and Nick immediately threw his lips upon hers. Cupping her face delicately in his hands, he kissed her with every ounce of passion he had in his heart. Rachel had never been pursued in such a manner in all her life and briefly gave in to the moment, allowing Nick’s tongue to slip between her lips. When he pulled her into his arms, Rachel snapped back to reality and freed herself from Nick’s grip. “Nick what are you doing?” she whispered.

“I’m sorry Rachel, I just had to. I don’t want to just be friends with you. I want more than that. I want a relationship.”

Rachel could smell the alcohol on Nick’s breath. “You’re drunk Nick, you don’t know what you want.”

“But I do, Rachel. For the first time in my life I know exactly what I want. I want you.”

Rachel took a step back. This was exactly what she didn’t want to happen. She smiled sweetly and pulled Nick through the door. “Go sit down,” she said closing the door behind him.

Nick sat on the couch, watching Rachel with an excited expression, but he hadn’t given up yet. Rachel sat down next to him and took his hand in hers. “Look, I had an amazing day.”

“Me too! I haven’t felt like this in so long and I owe it all too you. Don’t you see? You make me happy.”

“Nick,” Rachel whispered, shaking her head.

Nick ignored Rachel’s protest. “In one week you’ve made me happier than I’ve been in years, you understand me.”

Nick began slowly running his fingers through Rachel’s hair. “You’re smart, and funny, and caring.” He said gazing deeply into her eyes, inching his face closer to hers. “And beautiful.”

Nick again tried to kiss Rachel but she gently pushed him away. “No, Nick,” she said sadly.

Rachel was unable to look up. She didn’t want to see the look on Nick’s face. “I swear to you, this isn’t just because today was fun, and it has nothing to do with my fight with Brian. Trust me, I know this is what I really want.”

Rachel managed to pull her eyes up to meet Nick’s. Even in his drunken state, she could tell he meant what he said. Tears filled her eyes as she tried to find the right words. “That’s really sweet Nick,” she said trying her hardest not to cry, “but I know what I want too. And I know what I don’t want. I can’t be in a relationship right now.”

The reality of what was happening started to catch up to Nick, and he sunk back deeply into the couch. Rachel could see the pain she was causing the poor man. She hated that it had to be this way but she really didn’t see any other choice. Nick stared at his lap and didn’t say a word.

Rachel swallowed back a sob. “I’m so sorry,” she croaked.

“I can’t blame you,” Nick muttered and wiped a tear from his cheek. “It was stupid of me to think I had a chance with you. I couldn’t keep a girl like Paris, and she doesn’t even compare to you.”

More tears fell from Nick’s face and Rachel’s heart broke for him. She couldn’t hold back her sobs any longer. “You deserve so much better Paris Hilton, Nick!” she said mustering all the strength she had. Nick needed her to be strong right now. “Or me. I’m a mess, Nick. I’m insecure, and I’m scared. I’m untrusting, and bitter. Christ Nick, I’m a single mother. Trust me, you don’t want to get involved with me.”

Rachel looked Nick straight in the eyes and grasped his hand tightly. She wanted so badly for him to understand. “I was hurt Nick. I was hurt really bad and I haven’t moved past it. And I don’t think you have either. You’re going through a rough spot in your life right now. You’ve got a lot of things you need to figure out, and that’s no way to enter into a relationship. I want to be there for you. I want to help you get through this, but I just can’t get involved romantically. That’s not what I want.”

Nick nodded his head, more in defeat than understanding. He was hurt but Rachel was right. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Rachel threw her arms around Nick and he tucked his head under her chin. She held him tightly and rubbed her hand over his fuzzy head. “Don’t be sorry,” she whispered back. “You are a wonderful man, Nick Carter. You’re talented, and thoughtful, and passionate. One day you’re going to make someone the luckiest woman on the planet.”

Nick looked at Rachel, wanting desperately to believe her words, but he had a hard time doing that. Who would ever want him now? The only thing he believed he ever had going for him was being part of the Backstreet Boys and now that was all over. All he would be now was some washed up pop star with a bit of a drinking problem. The ray of hope that the day had brought quickly vanished, and the morbid thoughts of suicide that used to entertain his brain began slowly creeping into the back of his mind.

He barely realized that he was sitting in the arms of someone who cared very much for him and his mind began to race with panic. He began breathing rapidly and his body shook violently as he sobbed.

Rachel went into the kitchen and retrieved a glass of water and a small brown paper bag. After rummaging through her medicine cupboard for a moment, she returned to Nick. She handed him the bag and instructed him to hold over his nose and mouth. “Breathe into this for a minute,” she said and wrapped herself tightly around him again.

The bag flocculated rapidly at first and then, as Nick began to calm down, it took a rest. Once calm, Rachel told Nick he could remove the bag. He starred at her with wondering eyes. “How’d you know that would work?”

Rachel smiled lovingly and kissed Nick’s forehead. “Anxiety attacks are first year pre-med stuff. Apparently they expect med students to suffer quite a few throughout the years. Personally, I’m a pro.”

Nick cracked a smile. He still had a hard time picturing Rachel as a doctor. Not that he didn’t think she was smart enough, its just that most of the people he’d ever known were in the entertainment industry and, ironically, a doctor just seemed like one of those jobs you only see on TV. “Thanks,” he said somewhat sheepishly.

“Are you going to make me ask what has you so upset?”

Nick sighed. How did she always know? “I quit tonight,” he replied without even attempting to fight it, “After I told Brian to get out of my life forever, I called Johnny and told him I wasn’t going to be a Backstreet Boy anymore.”

Rachel tried not to gasp from surprise. She didn’t know what happened after she left, but whatever it was it must have been bad. She pulled Nick into a tight hug and Nick absorbed her energy, feeding off her calmness about it all. “Whatever you decide, Nick, it will be ok. We’ll worry about it tomorrow when you can think more clearly,” Rachel said, handing him the glass of water and two small white pills. “Here. You should take this. It’ll help you get some rest.”

“Didn’t they teach you that alcohol and sleeping pills don’t mix?”

“It’s Tylonol PM, smart ass. I’m not gonna kill ya,” Rachel teased and then more sweetly said, “Should help ease the tension in the morning too.”

Nick smiled a thank you and took the pills. “Maybe I should get going before this stuff starts to kick in.”

“You’re not going anywhere mister. You’re lucky you didn’t kill yourself, or anyone else, on the way here driving in your condition. I’m not giving you another chance. You can crash right here tonight,” Rachel replied patting the sofa and then jumped up.

She returned with some bedding for Nick and then retreated to her room eager to lie down. “Rachel?” Nick called after her. She looked back questioningly. “Thank you.”

Rachel smiled. “Goodnight Nick.”