Adie looked at the clock and then back to the ceiling before she closed her eyes tightly shut and thought some more, overall though she knew what her decision was going to be, all she had to do now was find the courage to actually go through with it. She knew she had to do this and maybe it would have been easier to have moved out as soon as she got back three weeks previously but she had left it till the last possible day, in fact she was over by a day. He had been due back yesterday but unforeseen circumstances at Heathrow had delayed him, maybe it was a sign because if he had arrived home when he should have she wouldn’t have been ready to leave and she knew he would have been able to convince her to stay.

Her mind was made up though, ever since their last night together in London their fate had been decided.

She had ended up going back to the hotel with him and he got his wish about waking up next to her but she hadn’t slept at all. It was there in that hotel room that she decided, with Nick sleeping soundly next to her, that she couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t live that life. Maybe that was why their parting the following day had been more emotional then ever before.

He had seen her to the airport, walked her as far as he could go and she had clung to him when he pulled her in to hold her, sobbing into his chest.

“It’s three weeks, we’ve done longer then this babe,” he had tried to soothe, rubbing her back in a circular motion. To him her emotions were just due to the fight they had, to the thought of being separated again, he didn’t realise she was getting so upset because she knew this would be the last time she would see him like this. The next time she would crush his world, crush their world.

Was it wrong that her last words to him were, “I love you”?

She braced herself as she looked at the clock, he would be leaving shortly, she had just received the message from her sister they were all at Heathrow airport waiting to board. That meant he would still have to get a connecting flight from Florida, it also meant that she would have been gone for at least twenty four hours when he arrived home to find the house empty. She swallowed down the lump in her throat and sat down on the edge of their luxurious queen sized bed, letting herself sink into the comfy mattress, she wondered if this was the right thing to do. If it was then why was she having such a difficult time with her conscious?

He loved her, she knew that, he loved her like no one else ever had, had provided for her in a way that no one else ever could. But it was all materialistic, the one thing she wanted, his whole heart, the true him, Nick carter and not Nick Backstreet, well he wasn’t willing to give her that. She wasn’t sure if he would ever be willing to give her that and she wasn’t prepared to wait. Was that selfish of her? Would her decision make him retreat even further into himself? She knew it wouldn’t help his self confidence, it would just be another person abandoning him, another reason for him to put up yet another wall around his already trapped heart.

She found herself second guessing her decision and she actually unzipped the suitcase before her brain overruled her heart. No she had stayed longer than she should have, put up with stuff longer than she should have and if she didn’t leave now she knew she would later on. That would only make it harder she had to leave now, she couldn’t waste anymore of her life on waiting around for him and so she had to do it while he wasn’t there. She re-zipped the suitcase and pulled it up off the bed and grabbing her overstuffed holdall she slowly made her way towards the hallway.

She placed the heavy bags at the door along with the rest of the boxes of her stuff before making her way into the kitchen, she showed Layla some attention, actually sat on the floor with the pooch for a good forty minutes, crying into the dogs neck as she held her close. Yet she managed to pry herself up, leave the note that had taken six attempts to write on the counter and half an hour later her beetle was jam packed with all of her stuff.

But even when she made her way towards the large oak front door for the last time she was still having doubts. Sure things had been brewing for a while, sure they hadn’t really been connecting like they had, sure she had tried to speak to him about it but was that any reason to leave like this? To let him come home to find the house empty, could she be that callous? Could she really do that to him?

Then again she had always been taught never to settle, why take second best when you deserved the best? It was something her mother had told her long ago, she herself had settled, married someone who, although could provide for her, she did not love with all her heart. That marriage had broken down quickly but maybe there had been a reason for it, after all if her mother had stayed in that marriage she would never have been born. Then again didn’t she love Nick? If she didn’t would she really be having such a huge internal battle with her heart and her head? Then it clicked, she did love him, maybe too much and the reason she hurt was because he did not feel the same way about her. He thought he did but after everything, all of the years they had spent together he still didn’t trust her enough to open his heart.

That filled her with a bit more confidence in her decision. Although she loved him dearly she was not happy with her life, with the life that they shared and she did not want to have any regrets. This was all for the best. Yes it was going to hurt like hell but he would get over it, he always had in the past.

And with a heavy heart and even heavier suitcases she pulled the door open and forced herself to go through, hastily walking towards the car.

And even though she wanted to, she didn’t look back. Not once.

***

It had been a long trip home, taken almost three days in fact thanks to all the delays he had incurred. He looked at his watch trying to calculate the actual time he had left Cape Town the first leg of his journey home, some forty hours ago. That leg of the trip had been fine, Cape Town to London no delays, no problems. Heathrow was where they hit their first snag.

The Terrorist alert had been raised, a threat had been placed that had basically shut down the entire airport and no matter how hard they tried there was no way they were going to get home by the time they had planned. Leaving almost nine hours behind schedule had also made him miss his connecting flight from Florida to Nashville and he had ended up crashing at Alex and Rachel’s. He was exhausted, the jet lag from this trip was an absolute killer, add that to the fact that this tour had been pretty much relentless and he had only just managed to beat his cold, well all he wanted was to climb into his own bed.

When the car finally rounded the corner and he spotted his house for the first time in almost four months he smiled and small sigh of relief escaping his lips. When the car pulled to a stop he graciously paid the fare and hauled his bags to the front door, he knew that she was unlikely to be home, after all she had told him that she had work so when he walked into the empty house he was unsurprised. He dumped all his luggage in the hallway, knowing that another hour was not going to hurt and slowly made his way to the kitchen, it was then he knew something was just not right.

Three puddles of fluid were dotted around the floor and Layla remained in her basket, usually she would have been all over him but she knew she had done wrong and choose to ignore him. It was unlike her, she had been well trained for years now, very rarely having accidents and when she did it was usually because she had been left for too long. He looked at the clock on the wall it was only nine thirty in the morning so she would have only left for work three hours ago, Layla was used to being left a lot longer than that.

“Hey girl,” He spoke softly as he bent down to pet the pit bull. “What happened huh? She running late this morning and didn’t let you out?” he asked rubbing the dog roughly behind the ears just how she liked it. The dog whined and got up from her basket making her way over to the back door and he followed opening it so he could let her out.

He busied himself with cleaning up after Layla and when he was finished that was when he found her letter. He glanced at it quickly thinking it would just tell him when to expect her home, what he didn’t expect was for it to tear his whole life down in just a few simple words.

He re read the letter in his hand about five times, his knuckles turning white and the paper crumpling at the edge where he gripped it so firmly. It couldn’t be real, it had to be some kind of joke, she wouldn’t leave like that not so suddenly when they hadn’t even had a chance to work on their problems. Adrianna Jones was not a quitter. It was a joke that’s all it was, not a very funny joke, but a joke none the less, he should have expected it really, after all the jokes he had played on her, she was just getting payback.

If it was just a joke then why was his hand shaking? Why was his heartbeat ringing in his ears? Why was he running up the stairs to check her stuff was still in their room? Why did he find himself punching the wall when her side of the closet was bare?

He stared absently minded into the half empty space, nursing his now sore hand for at least ten minutes before his new reality sunk in. She had left him, walked out on him when he had been halfway around the world, let him come home to an empty house. Her only explanation in some crappy short note that explained nothing. He knew they had been having problems, he knew she hadn’t been herself, that she hadn’t been completely happy, but he had never, ever, not ever in his wildest dreams, expected her to do something like this. It was totally out of character, she never gave up, she always worked until she got what she wanted.

She has been though, he came to realise the more he thought about it. She had been telling him what she wanted for a long time, had waited on him for a long time and he had ignored her. The timing still didn’t make sense though, he had slightly opened up to her, asked her to go to therapy with him, they hadn’t even tried to work this out, so what the hell was she playing at?

He blinked for the first time in what seemed like ages, once again focusing on the emptiness of the closet before turning on his heels quickly and making a b line for the door, racing down the stairs making sure to grab his keys as he headed towards his car parked in the drive. There was one of two places she would be, work or Chelle’s, he didn’t care where it was, he was going to have this out with her.

***

She had received the call from work not ten minutes ago. He was finally home, had obviously read her note and now he was looking for her. Mandy, the desk clerk, assured Adie that she did not tell Nick her whereabouts but Adie knew this would be the next obvious choice for him and so she mentally braced herself. She would not cave, she would not let his him worm his way back in like she had almost two and half years ago. She would stand firm, she would end the conversation quickly, then and only then would she shed her tears into what she hoped would be a never ending supply of ice cream.

She didn’t expect it to take long, the hospital was only a few miles away and he took longer than she thought he would, but eventually she heard what she knew was his car pull to a stop and she took in a deep breath as she felt her heart rate increase. She jumped slightly when she heard the car door slam and then the harsh rattle of the door as he knocked at it. This would be the ultimate test, she had to stand firm, she had to be strong.

She would not cave.

“Is she here?” She heard him ask her friend calmly as she listened from the top of the stairs. Michelle must have nodded if his next question was anything to go by. “Can I see her?” He asked.

“I uh…I don’t know Nick,” was her hesitant answer. Adie sighed heavily, she should not be putting her best friend in that position, at some point she had to face him and the sooner it was the easier it would be.

“It’s okay Chelle,” she said as she made her way down the stairs and towards the front door. “Hey,” she said to him finding it difficult to meet his questioning and hurt gaze as Chelle made her way back in to the house to give them privacy.

“What’s going on Adie?” He asked softly. She had expected him to be angry, to demand answers, to hate her for how she had left. She hadn’t expected him to be so calm and collected.

“I can’t do this anymore Nick,” she whispered, wanting to cry when she saw him frown in confusion.

“Do what?” He asked but she knew that he understood. She knew by the way his eyes grew darker, how he almost seemed to sink in defeat, she knew because of how his voice almost broke.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered pulling the ring from her finger before she handed it to him.

She tried to close the door as he stared at the ring, his promise that she had handed back to him, that was currently sitting in the palm of his hand, but he realised and quickly blocked the shortening gap with his foot, his anger now bubbling to the surface.

“Don’t you dare try and shut me out without an explanation!” He angrily said, his voice now harsh and she knew the only way she was going to get through this, the only way she would not cave would be to turn this into an argument.

“Shut you out? I’m not allowed to do it to you but it’s okay for you to do it for three years?”

“I’m trying. Doesn’t seem like you care though or understand,” he said placing his hand against the door as well.

“Understand?!” She scoffed.

“You have no idea what my life has been like, you grew up here, in a suburb in Nashville, with two parents who never fought, you went to normal schools had normal friends. You’ve not been constantly scrutinised, not had your family ripped apart,” he said his breath coming out ragged and she thought, for the first time in their relationship, that she was actually going to see him cry but he managed to pull it together with a shaky sigh.

“Yeah I don’t understand because you’ve never told me. I don’t know you Nick.”

“Yes you do,” he said with a shake of his head.

“No. I really don’t. I’ve wanted to, I’ve tried to get you to open up and you slam the door in my face and do you know how much that hurts?” She asked as he looked at her confused. “You don’t trust me enough to let me in.”

“You’re wrong,” he said defiantly. “I trust you with my life. You’re…don’t do this, please don’t do this. Come home and we can work on this, we can work on being open with each other. You are the only thing that makes sense in my life, without you…I need you in my life.”

“Why? Why do you need me in your life? To give it meaning? To define who you are? You don’t want me for the right reasons and I’ve realised that, do you even know who you are?” She asked feeling terrible when he averted his eyes from hers, his discomfort with this whole conversation clearly evident in his body language.

“I…” he hesitated with a sigh, “I…I love you, that much I know, I’m a better person when I’m around you.”

“You might be a better person around me Nick but you…I’ve lost sight of who I am, three years ago I would never of settled for as long as I have. I have goals and dreams too but they’ve just been put on the back burner and I can’t do that anymore,” she said shaking her head, closing her eyes as she willed the tears not to fall.

“So that’s it? You just want to throw three years away? You’re not even willing to work on this?” He asked his anger returning if his flushed face was anything to go by, his eyes once again a dangerous shade of dark blue.

“I’ve not been happy for a long time Nick. I’m so sorry.”

And this time he let her shut the door.

Song Credits:

The Script - Talk you down

Duffy - Warwick Avenue

Snow Patrol - Shut your eyes.