Nick knew before he even opened his eyes that it wasn’t going to be a good day. His mouth felt like sandpaper, he moaned when he moved and felt his belt buckle dig into his waist and he silently chastised himself for sleeping in his clothes but the dead giveaway that he was in for a crappy day was the pounding in his head. He felt like he had done at least ten rounds with Mike Tyson and that after that his head had obviously been run over by a bus. He sighed deeply knowing that no matter how hard he tried there was no way he was going to be able to get back to sleep in the position he was in and so he mentally braced himself for the aching that was sure to ensue as and after he moved. He didn’t expect to land with a loud thud on the hardwood flooring, after falling out of his bed, Hang on? I don’t have hardwood flooring he remembered, so where the hell was he? He opened one eye and groaned loudly when he spotted the unmistakable foot of Rachel’s, her tattoo a dead giveaway of where he was.
“Alex he’s finally awake,” She yelled making Nick moan when her piercing screech made his head ache ten times worse. “Sorry was that a bit loud?” She sarcastically added before she left the room. He sighed deeply as he tried to snuggle into his own arm to try in a vain attempt to get back to sleep but as soon as he heard the approaching foot steps he knew he was going to be allowed that pleasure.
“Get up Nick,” Alex rasped.
“Don’t wanna,” he mumbled hoarsely, opening one eye casting it on his friend.
“You’ll regret it later,” Alex told him as he held out a hand and after sighing yet again Nick accepted and let Alex help him up from the floor, falling back against the couch when he was finally off the floor. He accepted the steaming cup of coffee that was handed to him, and even managed a small smile of thanks, a smile that quickly faded when he noticed a certain someone over Alex’s shoulder.
“Oh shit.”
“Nice to see you to Nick,” Kevin laughed.
“You called him?” He asked Alex who was sat in the arm chair on the opposite side of the coffee table.
He shook his head, “No he was already coming down anyway.”
“So now both of you are going to bust my ass?” He whined.
“I’m getting to old to bust your ass Nick,” Kevin told him as he sat down next to him on the couch. “We just want to talk that’s all.”
“Bout what?” He yawned trying to act aloof.
“About how you’ve slipped back into old habits,” Alex told him.
Nick looked at him for a few moments before taking a long sip of his coffee. He really did not want to get into this now all he wanted was a shower, a few pain killers and a nice comfy bed, an intervention into his life was not on that list. He didn’t need people to tell him where he went wrong and what was wrong with his current situation, he didn’t need to be shown that his life was once again in the crapper and that no matter how hard he tried, things never ended up the way he hoped. He knew all that and it was what he had been trying so hard to get away from yesterday, hadn’t really worked though, not that he could remember much, but obviously if he was here trying to sleep off one mother of a hangover it obviously had been unsuccessful.
“Don’t think you can get out of this without saying anything,” Kevin told him as he sat down on the couch beside him.
“It was one night out. Not like I’m having a Jack for breakfast,” He said defensively, glaring at Alex who just stared back at him before rubbing the back of his head when Kevin slapped it. “Jesus Kev.”
“That was-” He started.
Alex cut in though and with a small smile said, “Touché Nicky Boy but this is how I started. Drinking to try and forget never works and if you are honest with yourself that was what you were trying to do wasn’t it?”
“It was just…I wanted some fun with the guys,” He mumbled focusing on looking anywhere but the two sets of concerned eyes currently fixed on him.
“Do you remember any of last night?” Alex asked.
“Some,” He shrugged.
“Remember knocking yourself out? Ending up in the emergency room? Seeing Adie?” He questioned.
At the mere mention of her name his head snapped up as he asked, “I saw her?”
“She stitched your head back together. She was the one who called me to come and get you.”
“Stitched my head back together?” He asked confused.
“Yeah. Look…I know you’re down but going out and trying to drink your problems away is going to get you nowhere,” Alex told him.
“Jesus Christ one fucking night out that got out of hand and I’m a fucking raging alcoholic who is trying to run from my problems,” Nick exploded. “Don’t you think you guys are a little early for an intervention?” He spat as he stood up.
“Nick-” Kevin warned remaining in his seat.
“No,” Nick said shaking his head, “You don’t get a say in this anymore, you left remember you don’t get to come back here and tell me what a fuck up I am, and how to live my life, you lost that privilege when you left and you…” he said, turning quickly on his heel and pointing at Alex, “…I don’t need your help, I don’t need your advice and I don’t need you to be concerned about me.”
“Nick,” Kevin called after him as he quickly and angrily strode out of the room.
“Let him go Kev,” Alex advised as he reclined back into his seat with a pensive sigh, knowing it was going to be a lot harder then he first thought in trying to help Nick break down some of his barriers.
***
He sat outside on the railing that separated the deck from the rest of garden as he stared out at the lavish greenery in front of him, not really seeing it anyway as he was too lost in his own thoughts and anger to enjoy the warm June day for what it was. He wanted nothing more then to get out of there, to go home and just sleep, god if he could just sleep then maybe he could start to make some sense of all this, but insomnia was a bitch and even when he did manage to drift off all he could dream about was her.
All he wanted was Adie back and he had thought that seeing her last night had been a dream but it hadn’t been, it had been real. He slowly reached up and touched the small gauze patch still stuck to his forehead, what a great impression that would have made on her, he thought angrily to himself. Then again her fixing his hand up had been how they had met in the first place, if they could only get back to where they had been in the beginning, to where it had been fun and light hearted, why did relationships have to progress? Why did things have to change so drastically? Why hadn’t he been enough for her? The mere thought of all these questions made his head start to pound even more and he jumped off the railing squinting when the movement made his whole body ache.
“I’m surprised you’ve not bailed already,” he heard a familiar voice from behind and he couldn’t stop the small smirk that spread across his face as he turned round to a women who had become like a big sister to him over the years.
“And miss your fine ass Kris? Never,” He joked. Okay so he had had a huge crush on her when he was younger, she had known about it to, everyone had, it had been that damn obvious. Once he had gotten past that stage, past the embarrassment he suffered when he was in her presence, he had managed to form a very strong bond. The pair had become fast friends when Kevin had finally seen sense and realised he needed her in his life and Nick knew she was someone who he could and had turned to when things got too much for him on the road when he was younger, she had then become a person to offer him advice about girls, had been there for him throughout all of is familiarly issues. He felt more comfortable around her then anyone, and truly viewed her like an older sister, just like he viewed Kevin as his older brother, she was probably the only person he felt comfortable enough with to show his true emotions, she had seen him loose his temper, scream until his lungs gave out, pummel a wall in frustration and she had been there to hold him when he cried because he felt like his whole world was crashing down.
February 2006
“You okay?” Adie asked him for what felt like the millionth time that day and now he was starting to get pissed off. Of course he wasn’t okay, not twenty four hours ago one of his band mates, one of his best friends, a man he classed as his brother had dropped the bombshell on him that he didn’t want to be a part of the amazing brotherhood that had been created, that this life wasn’t for him anymore and he wanted out. So no, he wasn’t okay, he was angry, he was frustrated, but most of all he felt rejected yet again and yet even though he had all these feelings surging around his system, to the point where he felt he might actually throw up, he continued to lie to her.
“I’m fine,” He mumbled as he flicked through the TV stations not even glancing at her. No wonder she wasn’t buying it, that didn’t even sound convincing to his own ears.
“You know you can talk to me about it don’t you?” She offered rubbing her hand over his shoulder as she sat down on the bed next to him.
“Mmmhmm.”
“It’s okay to feel angry, to be upset-” She tried but he interrupted quickly.
“I’m not upset,” he said sitting up quickly.
She cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow up at him, asking sceptically “So the glass just broke itself?”
“You weren’t supposed to see that,” he blushed, casting his eyes down to the comforter to avoid her questioning gaze
“Might help if you talk about it, you know save a few glasses and the risk of a trip to an ER? I am on vacation you know,” She joked glancing at the band aid on his hand from the shard of glass that had punctured his skin when he had angrily tried to clear the mess up.
“Sorry,” He apologised again.
“Stop saying sorry and stop saying you’re okay when you’re not. I know we haven’t known each other for very long and it’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable talking to me about this but I think you need to talk to someone about how you feel and I think the best person would be Kevin,” She tried taking his hand in hers squeezing it when he scoffed at her suggestion. “Hear me out? If you carry on avoiding him I think you are going to regret it because like it or not this is going to be his last tour so you need to enjoy it. That’s all I’m going to say okay? Look…” she hesitated for a few seconds, “…I’m gona go and do some shopping, give you some time alone.”
“You don’t have to,” He said quickly looking to her.
“I think you need some space to think and I’m like a broken record asking you if you’re okay at the moment. I’ll only be a couple of hours,” she said as she kissed his hand before letting it go and collecting her purse before she made her way towards the door. “Talk to him.”
He watched as she shut the door behind her and then fell back against the pillows, covering his face with his hands, a vain attempt at trying to stop his eyes from welling up. He couldn’t speak to Kevin, not yet anyway.
***
The knock on the door was persistent and was enough to pull him from the slight slumber he had fallen into after an hour of staring at the TV, his mind going a mile a minute. He reluctantly pulled himself from the comfort and security of the bed and walked slowly over to the door, half expecting it to be Kevin or one of the others telling him to grow up and deal. He did not expect it to be her and he didn’t know why but the moment their eyes met he burst into tears.
“Nicky C,” Kristin sighed as she pulled him into her warm arms and he cried into her shoulder, eventually letting her lead him to the bed so they could sit down and Nick even managed to compose himself wiping his runny nose on his sleeve. “Nick there is a box of tissues right next to you,” she scolded.
“So,” He grumbled.
“This wasn’t an easy decision for him you know,” she said making herself comfortable by sitting Indian style on his bed, making sure to kick off her flip flops.
“Whatever,” he said as he fell back against the comforter, his legs hanging off the end of the bed as he laid sideways across it.
“Come on you douchbag I haven’t flown all the way out here for you to ignore what I have to say,” she said prodding him and Nick sighed as he sat himself up and looked at her.
“He wants to talk to you, said that you’ve avoided him for a whole day now and whether you’re meaning to or not you’re hurting him by doing that.”
“Well he’s hurt me,” He retaliated sounding like the spoiled brat he had once been, the spoiled brat that people thought he had grown out of, when in truth he had just been in hiding for a while. “Talk to him Kris, you can make him stay, he’ll listen to you,” he pleaded taking her hand and she smiled at him warmly before running her free hand down his cheek.
“No one can make him stay, he’s made his mind up Nick,” She told him softly.
“But why now? Things have just taken off again,” He asked trying to understand.
“He has his reasons, like you have your reasons as to why you’re avoiding him. Right now you need to speak to each other, he needs to explain and you also have a right to tell him how you feel, although I have to say it’s kind of obvious,” She joked making him smile. “If you keep avoiding him you’re going to regret it sweetie, you are going to look back and think why didn’t I enjoy the rest of the tour?”
He chuckled slightly at her comment.
“What’s funny?” She asked puzzled.
“Just Adie told me the same thing.”
“Ahh I like her already. Am I going to get to meet her anytime soon?” She asked.
“She’s here,” He nodded, “Well at least I hope she still is after she saw me have a mini melt down.”
“Let me guess,” she said looking at his hand for a few seconds, “Okay no bruising, no cast, and Kev didn’t mention anything about broken noses so I’m guessing something got thrown at the wall?”
He chuckled again, “Am I that predictable?”
“She’s a nurse right?” Kristin asked and Nick nodded his head, “ Well that’s good at least she can patch you back up. Have you spoken to her about any of this or have you been shrugging her off?”
“The latter. I…I don’t want her to think I’m…to…” He hesitated his voice growing soft as he had trouble verbalising his feelings just like always.
“Emotion doesn’t make you weak Nick,” She said taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. “Have you told her you love her?” She asked.
“I don’t love her,” he said too defensively.
“Honey please. Kevin’s told me all about the two of you and hello how many times have we been on the phone? You don’t shut up about her. If you love her then tell her but first you need to go and see my husband, we can work on Adie later.”
***
“So what’s going on Nicky C?” Kristin asked holding a hand to her eyes trying to shield them from the bright light of the sun behind Nick.
“You know,” He shrugged, “Same old, same old.”
He knew she wouldn’t buy it, and after all these years he didn’t know why he disrespected her by trying to shrug her off, by acting that his world falling apart was nothing, just a regular occurrence. He groaned deeply when she pulled him by the hand and sat him down on the steps of the decking, he might have been able to get away from Kevin and Alex easily but Kristin was like their secret weapon, and he knew he was going to be there until he spilled all.
“Are we going to try again?” She asked raising her eye brows, glaring at him slightly.
“Damn Kris you’ve been a Mom for eleven months and you already have the scary look down pat,” he tried to joke but she knew he was trying to stall and didn’t play to his attempt.
“Okay lets get all your attempts out of the way shall we? Mason is great, he’s saying Mama and Dada and a few other words, he’s crawling, pulling himself up and I don’t think it is going to be long before he starts walking. He’s upstairs taking a nap and you can see him later. I’m great, Kev’s great, we’re staying for a few days before we go to Kentucky for Mason’s birthday. Ann’s fine, Tim is fine and Jerry is fine, the whole family is great and yes you should call Ann and thank her for your birthday card, she won’t care that you’re only six months late in doing so. Now…you and I are going to talk about what is going on with you at the moment,” she told him sternly.
“My relationship is over, nothing that hasn’t happened before,” He shrugged trying to play it down, but his voice almost breaking gave him away.
“Why are you trying to make out that you’re okay? Why are you trying to lie to me? To everyone? Why didn’t you call me when this happened?” She asked and he could hear the hurt in her voice.
“Because it’s not a big deal,” He shrugged again, choosing to keep his eyes on his sneakers, noticing the blood stain most likely from his head on them. Kristin wasn’t having that though and before he knew it her hand had come underneath his chin and he found himself looking into her concerned hazel eyes.
“If it’s not a big deal then why won’t you look at me? If it’s not a big deal why are you crying?” She asked wiping the tear that trickled from his eyes.
“Because…because I’m strung out and hung over and over tired and I just want my bed and I don’t want some crappy intervention where you guys try and get all up in my business,” he said pushing her hand away, wiping at his own eyes.
“We’re worried about you,” She told him.
“Well stop okay? I’m a grown up now you have Mason to worry about, I can sort myself out, I don’t need you worrying about me!” He angrily told her standing up as he walked towards the house but his yelling had bought Alex, Rachel and Kevin out to investigate.
“So you are going to sort yourself out by going and getting wasted? By getting into fights and ending up in an emergency room after you knocked yourself out? By not remembering half of the things you did last night?” Kristin yelled back throwing her arms up in exasperation.
“Why is this any of your business?” He raged, turning back to face her.
“Because I care about you Nick,” She tried, her eyes softening as she made her way over to him.
“Well I don’t want you to, I don’t need you to tell me how fucked up my life is!” He yelled again.
“We’re not here to tell you that, we’re here to try and help you little man,” Kevin tried knowing instantly when Nick spun round to him with a glare, that the nickname had not been a good idea.
“Don’t fucking call me that. I’m twenty eight and this is my life and I don’t need any of you.”
“So you want us to back off?” Alex asked. “You want us to leave you to it? To not care about you? To let you get wasted to try and forget about Adie? You want us to sit back and watch you piss your life away? We can’t win with you Nick,” he told the blonde. “Whatever we try and do is always wrong. We try and offer support and advice and you don’t want it, and then when we leave you to it, when we don’t call to see how you are we’re wrong too. You’re quite clearly hurting right now and nobody could blame you for that, and I don’t like seeing my brother hurt. Now if you want me to back then I will, if that is what you really want I’ll do it but don’t ever expect me to stop caring about you.”
Nick was quiet for a moment, contemplating what Alex had just said and deep down he knew every word was true. He hated it when people tried to talk to him about how he was feeling, it meant having to open up, it meant showing them his weaker side, it meant being venerable, and to Nick being venerable meant being taken advantage of. Even though he knew the people surrounding him right now would never even dream of doing that, he still put up this barrier, this huge wall that had been built up over the years to protect himself. The problem was it was working far too well and keeping out the people that should have been let in. He also knew that if no one showed any ounce of caring or support he would also be pissed and it would just reiterate that fact that he did not matter, that no one cared, just like he had felt when he had been recording his solo album. He didn’t know what was more frustrating, people being to overbearing or people not showing the slightest bit of interest.
He tried to take in a breath to say something but when he locked eyes with Rachel, whose eyes were filled with tears, he lost all resolve and the only sound that escaped his lips was of a sob as he let the tears fall freely down his eyes, no longer caring about being venerable. Rachel was by his side in an instant, wrapping her arms around his neck and bringing his head to rest in the crook of her shoulder, rubbing his back in a circular motion to try and soothe him.
“What do you want Nick?” She asked quietly.
“The only thing I want is your sister, she’s all I want,” he sniffed.
