It had been a difficult few days for Nick but he had decided that in order to get Adie back, to show her that he was serious about their relationship and wanting her in his future, he needed to make some drastic changes in his life and he needed to do it now.
The first thing he had done once he left Alex and Rachel’s was to ask Brent and the rest of the guys to leave, of course this had been quite difficult, ending in an all out shouting match in which Nick knew the friendship would be beyond repair. That didn’t seem to bother him though because deep down he knew that Adie had been right, Brent had just been using him for his connections and his studio, and he needed to clear people like that out of his life.
After he had thrown Brent out he had spent most of the next day lying in bed or on the couch trying to convince himself that he was coming up with ways to get Adie back into his life when all he was doing was moping and feeling sorry for himself, and after he consumed his second Swiss roll in one day he realised that he was slipping back into dangerous habits.
That’s when he had decided that a clear out was in order and if he was really going to change and show her that he was ready for commitment then he needed to let go of the baggage that was holding him back. So the first thing he had done was make his way up to the studio that also doubled as his office and unlocked the drawer that held the journals he had kept ever since he had started therapy just after house of carters had finished, and it was in that drawer where he stumbled across the book that Kevin had given him so long ago.
January 28th 2001
Nick had been confused when Kevin had pulled him to one side before they left the hotel for the big game, and now, even after he had unwrapped the small gift, he was no clearer. He had thought that the new watch he was wearing was his present from Him and Kris, and that had been enough because he knew how expensive that had been, so to be handed this present had caught him off guard and what was even stranger was that Kevin had chosen to give it to him in private.
He looked at the bold letters on the front of the book, and then to the crinkled, dog eared pages, the cheapskate hadn’t even sprung for a new book, before he looked up to Kevin expectantly.
“It’s a good book, someone gave it to me after my Dad died, and it has helped me through some tough times, so now I’m passing it on to you,” he said hitting him on the shoulder.
“Thanks,” Nick smiled.
“Make sure you read it,” Kevin had told him but in true Nick fashion said book had found it’s way to the bottom of his rucksack and then into some random drawer, never really seeing the light of day.
“Why some positive thinkers get powerful results,” he read aloud as he turned the book over in his hand to read the blurb before he had made himself comfortable and began reading what the book held inside
.
The book had captured his attention so much that by the following morning he already felt more positive about things and so had called Rebecca, his therapist, and had scheduled an urgent meeting with her which was where he was currently sat.
“So what your saying is this all comes back down to your trust issues?” Rebecca questioned after he had updated her about the past few months in his life.
“Basically,” He sighed, “I know what I want now though.”
“That’s good,” she told him, “But you have to be able to trust her Nick, because if you can’t trust her then it’s not going to work which is why I think she left.”
“I know that. I know I need to open up and let her in but I find it difficult, that part of me is so locked away, dead and buried,” he tried.
“But is it though? It’s still effecting you, no matter how many times you try and tell yourself that you are over the past, I don’t think you are and you need to get some closure on it because until you do this is just going to be a vicious cycle. You could meet the nicest person in the world, who would never hurt you, but if you can’t trust them, if you can’t be one hundred percent yourself around them, then it’s never going to work.”
“The only way I’m going to get closure is to talk about it isn’t it?” Nick realised.
“Yes. You said you accused Adie of trying to get pregnant behind your back, why did you think she would so something like that? Has she ever given you any indication that she would lie to you to get you to do what she wanted?” Rebecca asked.
He could feel the blush creep into his cheeks as he sighed not really wanting to talk about the whole topic because he still couldn’t believe how much of an ass he had been about it, no wonder she had left him. “No she hadn’t, she has never given me any reason to doubt her and I still go an do it anyway. I just…I guess I was waiting for a reason for me to end things, it’s always the same when things get too serious. You know with other women…I went out with them because I knew deep down that they weren’t the one, that they would somehow use me and that would be my reason for breaking things off, the ball was always in my court but since I met her…I don’t know,” he broke off not wanting to divulge too much.
“No carry on, what were you trying to say?” Rebecca probed.
“When I first saw her I didn’t think that anything would come of it, I thought it would be a one night stand to add to the tour, she was kind of my challenge for Nashville because she turned me down to begin with. The whole aim was to just see if I could get her into bed.”
“So what changed? By the time you started coming to see me you were already well into your relationship with her, what changed so that she wasn’t just a conquest?” Rebecca asked.
August 2005
He looked at his watch and couldn’t believe how quickly the time had flown by, it was already two am, usually he would have wrapped up the conversation long before now and would have steered her towards his bed for the night but she was different. She had been so quiet, shy and maybe just a little bit star struck back at the venue but since they had been here, it was like she was a whole different person. She was vibrant, full of mischievous energy, had a great laugh, amazing smile but most of all she listened to him when he talked, it was almost as of she was looking past the fame, looking past everything else and for the first time in a long time Nick felt like he was just a normal guy out on a normal date.
They had just spent hours just talking, getting to know each other. He had learned that she was a children’s nurse as well as an emergency nurse practitioner, had trained in London England and had moved back a couple of years ago. He knew her favourite drink was vodka and coke but diet coke, not fat coke as she called it. He thought her sense of humour rocked, her taste in music was very similar to his, their love of eighties cheese had been a huge topic of conversation but the best part was she hadn’t questioned him about his fame once. Sure the topic of his job had come up, but it was mainly about all the travelling he had done, how he managed to remember all the dance steps, and why he had felt the need to break Kevin’s nose. There had been no discussion about his crumbling family, about his very public break-up with Paris and for that he had been thankful.
“That looks very interesting,” he said as she placed the pint of Guinness in front of him.
“If you are in an Irish bar you have to try it, it would be like an Irishman coming to America and not eating…not eating…” she trailed off as she thought, her eyes trailing upwards as if that would give her the answer.
“Twinkies,” Nick offered.
“Right!” She exclaimed a little to excitedly, showing how drunk she actually was as she began to giggle.
“So where’s your Guinness then?” he asked noticing how she had only bought one pint back to the table, a glass of coke ,which probably had vodka in it, gracing her other hand.
She looked around before beckoning him closer, whispering into his ear, “It’s so totally gross!” She giggled making him laugh right along with her.
“Then why are you making me try it?” he asked , laughing at her confession as he started pushing the drink away from him.
“Because it’s one of those things in life that you have to just try, like a right of passage.”
“But we’re not even in Ireland! We’re in Nashville, can’t I just record a country album or something?” He joked making her giggle as she sat down across from him.
“I think you would definitely look hot in a nice white Stetson, maybe that could be your cover photo, a Stetson and nothing else, Nick Carter goes country!” She exclaimed waving one hand above her head.
“Yeah I don’t think so! So were you in Ireland when you tried Guinness?” He asked trying to find out more about her.
“Of course I actually went to the Guinness factory and had to pretend to like it! But that is a whole other story,” she replied as she leant her chin on her hand as she swirled the straw around in her coke. “Now stop procrastinating and just try it!” She insisted as she pushed the glass towards him and with a roll of his eyes, he took a swig, scrunching up his nose when the liquid trailed down his throat.
“That’s…oh god that’s awful,” he managed to say quietly to her making her giggle again, god that laugh was just so infectious, her whole mouth would curve upwards and her eyes would sparkle. At first he thought she had been kind of plain compared to the other women that he had dated, but she was naturally pretty, her chocolate brown eyes shining as she looked to him.
“It’s full of iron though, so it’s good if your anaemic or breast feeding,” she informed him with a wag of her finger.
“Damn am I leaking?” he joked, his hands reaching up to his chest, making her laugh again.
She was just about to reply when they were interrupted by one of the bar tenders, “Sorry guys but we’re closing.”
“Okay,” she smiled back to him and she downed the rest of her drink, eyeing him when he just pushed the drink away from him.
“There is no way I am downing that,” he told her making her laugh again.
“C’mon,” She said holding out her hand to him and he gladly accepted, standing up and letting her lead him towards the door.
“She listened to me, I don’t think I actually bought one drink that night,” He chuckled slightly. “It was just so easy to talk to her, like none of it was false, she wanted to be there because she liked me and not my lifestyle or my status and I don’t think I have ever really had that,” he admitted to Rebecca.
“So why do you think it’s gotten harder to talk to her? To trust her? You said yourself she’s done nothing to loose your trust,” She asked.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged.
“You do Nick, there has to be a reason,” She told him sternly.
“The only things she’s done is walk away but that was after…I had been closing her out long before then. It’s what I do when people get too close, when I get too much of a good thing in my life,” he said fiddling with the frayed hole in his jeans.
“To protect yourself?” Rebecca questioned and he just nodded not making eye contact with her. “Okay why don’t we leave it there for today. You’ve made really good progress Nick, are you still keeping the journals?”
“Yeah,” he replied.
“Good carry on with those and I’ll see you next week.”
***
Adie had read and rewritten the text so many times her thumb was now stating to get cramp but she still couldn’t find the right words to say, she knew she had to tell him in person, she needed to see his reaction but she didn’t want to get his hopes up when she sent him a text saying she needed to see him. She didn’t want him to think that it was because she was having doubts about her decision, god knew she was, all she kept thinking about was going back to him, waking up next to him in the morning, about him being there when she gave birth to their first child, finding him staring into a cot late at night when they were all home together. It wouldn’t be like that though, that was all just some ideal fantasy in her head because she knew this was going to be the biggest shock of his life and if he had been so closed off to the idea, she knew the reality was not going to be much better.
She looked at the clock on the wall and sighed when she realised that her break had finished, she was so exhausted so how the hell was she going to cope with being a Mom and work full time? The thought was just another stark reminder of what it was going to be like raising a child as a single Mother because if Nick wanted nothing to do with this pregnancy or his child then she sure as hell wanted nothing from him, she didn’t want to be tied to him for eighteen years while he paid child support for a child he never saw. Then another thought hit her, she still had to break the news to her family and although she knew her parents would never turn their backs on her, they had strong family values, she still hadn’t really had the guts to call them back after Rachel had obviously told them about hers and Nick’s separation.
She stood and tried to shake the stressful thoughts from her head, she was at work at the moment, there was nothing she could do about any of it now, all she could do was focus on how to do her job properly. So maybe that was why her heart flew into her throat when the first voice she heard when she vacated the staff room was Nick’s.
He hadn’t seen her yet, his back towards her as he talked to the new triage nurse. She had thought so much about what she would say to him, but nothing seemed to fit right and although she had promised Chelle she would tell him the first chance she got she knew it would not be today. She even contemplated turning and walking back into the coffee room so she could avoid him for that bit longer but the desk clerk gave her away and before she could even move a step he had turned and was facing her.
“Hi,” he smiled slightly.
“Hi,” She echoed. “What are you doing here?”
“I uh…I came to apologise for the other night and to get my stitches out,” he said making no move towards her.
“I’m surprised you can remember the other night,” she said sarcastically, her arms crossing over her chest in a vain effort to protect herself. He sighed and diverted his eyes downwards and for a minute Adie swore he stopped and stared at her mid section, almost as if he knew. She knew he couldn’t, that she was just paranoid but it still made her feel uneasy and she knew she had to get him out of there as quickly as she could.
“I’m sorry okay? That’s what I came here to say and if you don’t want to take my stitches out then that’s fine…I can wait for someone else,” he told her and she knew the small smirk that she saw had not been a figment of her imagination, it was his way of ensuring she would do it because he knew as well as she did that she did not want him sitting in the waiting room for a hours.
“Come on,” she said walking past him, swiping her ID card through the slot, walking through the doors as they opened. She didn’t know why, she could have taken is stitches out in one of the open bays in full view of everyone, but instead she chose to take him into one of the private consult rooms. He took a seat on the gurney as she pulled together all the kit she would need to remove the five stitches that had helped pull his skin back together, asking him to lie down when she was ready. “It might pull a little but it shouldn’t really hurt,” she warned him.
“I am really sorry you know,” he told her again, closing his eyes as she got to work.
“Uh huh.”
“Not just about last week either, about everything. You were totally right in what you said when I turned up at Chelle’s, I don’t trust you and you’ve done-”
“Nick,” she cut him off.
“Just let me finish, please?” He asked and after she sighed but kept quiet he continued. “You’ve done nothing to deserve that, it’s all me. This is what I do Adie, I protect myself from getting hurt but in doing that this time I lost you and that hurts so much more. I want you back, I know I have a lot to prove to you but I want you back.”
“No you don’t,” she told him as she pulled the last stitch from his head.
“Yeah I do,” he told her firmly opening his eyes and looking into hers.
There was a small voice in her head just yelling at her to tell him the truth, to see if he would be so adamant about working things out with her if he new the truth, and the words were just on the tip of her tongue, almost about to escape and change their lives forever but fate stepped in.
“Adie we need an extra set of hands in trauma two, got a patient doped up to the eyeballs, we’re having difficulty restraining him,” Mike said quickly sticking his head through the door.
“Okay be there in a sec,” she told him before turning to Nick, “It’s healed really nicely, just use some coco butter on area and your scar should fade quite nicely.” She turned to leave but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back towards him, lowering his lips to his, his hands coming to her cheeks to keep her head in place, not that she was even fighting him. It was quick and all he literally did was brush his lips against hers but it showed her how much she had really missed him.
“I love you and I am going to get you back, no matter how long takes,” He told her.
She was so stunned that she couldn’t even manage to get any words out and all she did was close her eyes to keep her tears at bay as she turned away from him and walked out the door and made her way down into the trauma room. Her mind was such a blur about all he had said to her, he loved her, he was working on ways to get her back, he understood why she was so unhappy.
“Can you grab me some haldol? Careful the floor’s just been mopped,” Mike told her as she walked into the trauma room. She quickly grabbed the drug, drew it up in the syringe and drew it up, coming extremely close to sticking herself with the needle due to her lack of concentration. She handed the syringe to Mike and tried to hold the guys arm still as he screamed obscenities at her, but she wasn’t really hearing any of them, her mind still focused on her conversation with Nick. With all those thoughts running through her head she quite clearly was not focusing on the task in front of her and maybe that was why she didn’t realise that the soft restraints on the large mans left arm had come loose before it was to late and he grabbed hold of her scrubs. He was so strong and she was so tiny and caught off guard that she didn’t have time to react as her midsection was slammed against the guard rail of the gurney so hard it winded her, this coupled by the damp flooring beneath her feet made her lose her footing and the last thing she remembered before her head hit the guard rail, plunging her into darkness was, My baby, oh god my baby!
