Feb 2nd 2006
He’s leaving, said that he isn’t one hundred percent committed anymore and can’t disrespected me, the rest of the fellas or the fans in that way, that he’s all or nothing! He knows I’m pissed but that’s not enough to make him stay, I promised to quit bugging him, to stop stealing his stuff, to even quit whining but it still wasn’t enough and I just don’t understand why?
This just seems to be the story of my life, I think things are good, that things are finally working out and BAM! I’m at rock bottom again. I never ever thought that we would be doing this again, sure I said it was just a break when asked by the fans but deep down…things were so messed up between us all when we decided that we needed time apart. So that’s why I just don’t understand his timing, why was he the one to bring us all together and talk about getting back out on the road again if he knew that within the year he would be saying he was leaving? What was the point? This record, this tour, everything this time round has just been so different than what I remember, it’s like we’ve all reconnected, we’ve all bonded again and I feel like I have all my big brothers back only for it to be cruelly snatched away from me. Again!
People wonder why I’m so guarded but it’s because of stuff like this. My real family don’t give a shit and for a while it kind of felt like none of them did, well apart from Howie, he at least turned up to the video shoot. I know Kevin and Kris came to see a gig but I knew it was more down to Kris then Kevin, he made it clear like Brian that he thought I was making a mistake and the whole time he was there all he could talk about was Backstreet and Alex.
Kris came to see me today, I begged her to try and make him reconsider but she said she couldn’t, that it was his decision and it hadn’t been easy for him. I find that hard to believe because if it wasn’t any easy decision then why could none of us talk him out of it? Then again I was the only one who had really tried, everyone else had just let him…they had all given him their blessing, told him they understood and it makes me wonder whether they had all known that this was coming?
Whether they had been treating me with the kid gloves again?!
I just don’t understand why all this shit keeps happening? It seems when every avenue in my life is heading in the right direction, when I actually feel positive about things that everything gets messed up.
Adie saw me loose it for the first time today. I just got so angry that I ended up storming out of the meeting, coming back to our room and smashing a glass against the wall. I totally forgot she was there until she came running in from the bathroom. I’ve been a complete bastard to her all day, almost shouted at her when she tried to pick up my mess and then because I was pissed off at myself for doing that I ended up cutting myself when I tried to clean it up. She’s been amazing though, slightly annoying because she keeps asking if I’m okay but I don’t think my “I’m fines” have been Oscar worthy. She even left me alone for a while so I could have some space, I think she was really trying to plan her escape!
She’s here now though, sat on the bed watching some medical drama, swooning over some good looking doctor, rolling her eyes and complaining that “it would never be done that way,” or “that would never happen” every so often. Occasionally I’ve caught her glancing over at me, checking to see if I’m okay. I want so badly to just go to her and tell her all my fears, to admit that yes I feel like my life is once again about to come crashing down around me.
I won’t though. I can’t let myself get that venerable around her because every time I do it just gets used against me and I don’t want or need her to feel that I’m weak.
Kris called me out about her earlier, asked me if I was in love with her and if I’m honest I hadn’t really thought that much about it. Ever since she’s asked me though I just can’t seem to get it out of my head. I find myself stealing glances at her, finding new things I like about her, like today, how she knew what to do to fix my hand. How she bought me junk food and a copy of the Goonies to watch even though I know she hates it. I am in love with her I know that because I have never felt this way about anyone before, I think about her and I find myself smiling, I go to sleep and she is the last thing on my mind and I wake up and she is the first thing I think about and…dear god I hope none of the guys ever get their hands on this because I will never live down sounding like a pussy if they do!
But if I’m so in love with her, then why can’t I open up to her? Why can’t I cross that bridge and be venerable and open and bare all to her? Is it something that is going to come with time? All I know is that with her, even though this situation bites ass at least I know I can count on her.
Adie re-read the last sentence of Nick’s scrawl and with a sigh closed the diary letting it rest on her lap as she took in what the first journal entry had to offer. As soon as she had returned home from their rendezvous at the creek she had quickly made herself a cup of tea and sat in the living room. It had taken her almost an hour to pluck up the courage to read the first entry though and she wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was due to the fact that he had finally decided to let her in, maybe it was because it might open doors to things she thought she had closed off, maybe it would make her realise that he wasn’t the only one to blame here?
She knew he had entries back further than this, she had seen him writing them when he had visited her the summer previous to this entry, maybe those thoughts weren’t as important though. That entry had told her a lot, he felt alone, angry at Kevin for getting his hopes up only to dash them. The most riveting piece of information had been his confession at the end though because he had known, right at the start of their relationship that he was holding back and from what he had written she realised it wasn’t a purposeful thing. He himself had hoped that it was something he would be able to work on over time, something he had started to do by asking her to join him in therapy.
She had rejected that invite though. Therapy…that one word sent a shiver down her whole body. She knew that although he thought his therapist would want to get him to open up it wouldn’t just be a one way street. She would also have to participate and by doing that would mean releasing skeletons locked long ago in the closet. Skeletons that needed to remain there!
***
March 26th 2006
This is what life is supposed to be like!
Adie turned twenty five today and I flew in specially to surprise her, Rachel even kept to her end of the bargaining and didn’t tell her, or at least I think she didn’t because I don’t think Adie could have faked the reaction she had.
It was completely priceless!
Her eyes narrowed, her nose crinkled and she called out my name from the chart before warily looking up. A huge grin lit up her face when she saw me sitting in the chair though and she couldn’t hand over her patients quick enough.
She told me she had been bummed because not only did she have to work the night shift in to her birthday but she thought that I couldn’t make it and that me being there was just the best present ever. I’ve never had anyone say that to me and mean it, sure fans have said it but that’s not the same, she’s not a fan, she’s my girlfriend.
We ended up driving back to her apartment, and she was so exhausted that she crashed for a few hours and then we went to her parents for brunch. I have to say I was shitting myself on the entire drive over, something that must have been obvious because she kept laughing at me. Izzy and Stuart were great though, really welcoming, interested in all the places I had been rather then about how much money I earned. Rachel was there as well and they all just had such an easy going vibe, each of them asking questions about what had been going on with the other, remembering things and chatting about the past.
Stark contrast to what it would have been like if I had been meeting up with my family. Two minutes and the Carters would have been at each others throats! That got me really thinking about my family and how screwed up we are. It wasn’t always like that and I can actually remember a time when we would all sit around a dinner table and talk.
We need that back. I mean I know my parents are never ever going to be able to be within room distance of each other but I could have that with Aaron and the girls. I could be the big brother that they deserve and in being their big brother I know it’s going to be up to me to make a change, to contact them and not wait for them to contact me.
When all this fades, when no one is buying our records, all I am going to be left with is my family and right now that only consists of the fellas and Adie.
I don’t want it to be that way.
***
June 1st 2006
I think I have made a huge mistake!
It’s been less then twenty four hours and already Aaron has come close to breaking his neck from jumping off the balcony and into the pool - stupid punk! The girls are already at each others throats and all I want to do is sleep, barricade my door shut so no one can get in a complain to me, I feel like a fucking camp councillor!
I don’t know what more I should have expected though. I mean it has been ten years since we have all lived under one roof, things were a lot different then. I look at these people living with me now who are supposed to be my siblings and I realised that I don’t know any of them, I might as well of gotten complete strangers in from the street. That’s really sad.
Aaron is kind of the same I guess - still an annoying little punk ass who thinks he’s invincible! Jesus I swear as I was writing that I heard Kevin’s voice! I’m kind of seeing what I put him through I guess. Seriously I begged him to not jump but the little shit did it anyway and my heart was in my throat until he resurfaced, then I was just pissed. He doesn’t understand why though. It’s like he didn’t see the danger and that is the scariest part of all because I really believe he thinks that nothing can hurt him and someday it will.
Beej - The amount of drinking she is doing is scaring me, I look at her and all I see is Alex. She’s adamant that she doesn’t have a problem but she was the one who is been torn up by the divorce the most. The twins obviously sided with Dad, Leslie had always been closer to Mom so it was a no brainier who she was going to side with, I stayed away from everyone but Beej? She was torn between the two, neither of them really cared about her enough to fight for her though and I think she realised that early on. It kind of reinforced the message she has been sent all along, “You don’t matter,” You’re not important.” I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be sent that message. Then again she probably doesn’t see it from my side either because I know the only time I ever really get called is when Mom wants money or Dad wants to bitch about something Mom has done. I want to help her, I don’t want her going down the same path Alex did but I also know I can’t help her until she’s ready to acknowledge that she needs it. I’m just going to have to keep a really close eye on her.
Leslie - I have never felt so awkward in my whole life. I worked it out at dinner and it’s been over three years since I’ve seen her. Three fucking years! She’s supposed to be my sister and I haven’t seen her in that long, that’s so messed up. She’s still as angry! I guess in that respect she is the most like me because when she gets pissed she sees red and that’s it, all hell breaks loose. She a lot different in other respects though because the rest of us just want to forget about the past and move on whereas she wants to rehash it all and talk about.
I don’t think I’m strong enough to do that.
I don’t think I can unlock all the bad memories, remember all the times I used to cry myself to sleep and wish for a normal life.
Adie ran her hand over the last smudged sentence and knew the words were blurred because of tears that had been spilled when the entry had been written. She knew the entry was incomplete because Angel hadn’t been mentioned but it was obvious from what the last sentence read that continuing writing had been too hard. She had no idea he felt like that, no idea that he used to cry himself to sleep. It just didn’t seem to fit the Nick that she knew, he was big and strong and never ever cried, but yet here was the hard evidence that he did, and it made her wonder whether he had cried recently.
Was it wrong for her to wish that he had been crying over her? Was she really worth his tears?
August 10th 2006
Adie’s here. She flew in two days ago after Aaron wiped out on his board. She’s been so amazing, I seriously don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t have dropped everything to be here. She is so selfless that way, I didn’t even have to ask her, she just knew I needed her and before I knew it she was at the hospital cracking jokes about taking pictures of Aarons ass and selling them on eBay!
I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my whole life. He just looked so ill and when they said that his liver was bleeding - I felt like I had failed again. He was under my watch, my care and I let him get really hurt. I can just see Mom and Dad saying I told you so with shit eating grins on their faces because I know they are just waiting for me to fail. I’ve already had Dad on the phone calling me irresponsible, I didn’t even answer the phone when Mom called because I knew she would only give me the extended disco version of Dad’s rant. He’s okay though, just a bit sore now and I hope a bit wiser. It definitely shit him up and he has said he is going to change - I don’t know how long that will last!
Adie saw me loose it again, I apologised to her and she told me not to worry about it, that I didn’t have to apologise but I just keep thinking that…I don’t know what I think, all I know is I’m scared that my temper is going to push her away. That she is going to believe all the allegations Paris’s people made about me are true and there not. I know I shout, I know I get really petty over small things and I know I pulled Aaron into a fight but I would never, ever hurt her or any other women. She told me that I had every right to get angry at Aaron, that and I quote, “he was being a jumped up little shit who was just trying to cause trouble and make you look like a wanker!” I about died laughing when she said wanker! She comes out with all these phrases and saying that I know she learnt when she was in England and they just make me love her even more.
She’s talking with Leslie at the moment and from the giggling I keep hearing it has to be about me and Mike. I think she might be it for me. God did I just write that? Do I really think that? We’ve only been together a year but I already feel closer to her then I ever have to anyone else. I still can’t open up to her though, I got close last night, close to telling her how I want to be with her forever, close to telling her how scared that makes me because I don’t know how to be perfect for her because that’s what she deserves. She’s leaving tomorrow, I’ve tried to convince her to stay but she says she can’t, that she has to work and I understand that but I just wish she could be here to meet my Dad. He’s coming in the day after tomorrow and I guess I could just use some support from her.
She had to put the journal down at that point, because he revelation of forever made her cry to the point where Chelle found her sobbing on the couch. When Chelle questioned her she just thrust the open book into her friends hands and pointed, crying even harder when Chelle finished reading aloud.
“Go back to him Aid. Go back to him and tell him you made a mistake.”
“I can’t,” she said as she tried to calm herself.
“Yes you can,” Chelle prompted.
“I can’t because I’m…I don’t know how to be perfect for him,” she sniffed.
“Nobody’s perfect, trust me I think Nick knows that.”
“There’s stuff he doesn’t know, stuff he’ll hate me for,” she admitted.
“Like what?” Chelle questioned taking her friends hand.
Adie turned her head away though and tugged her hand free, “I can’t tell you.”
“I’m your best friend,” Chelle said somewhat hurt that Adie couldn’t confide in her.
“I…nobody knows,” she admitted.
“And it looks like it’s eating you alive. If that’s what’s holding you back, stopping you from being with him…look he loves you, from what I’ve just read he’s loved you for a long time but he was scared to tell you…forever is a lot Adie and he isn’t just saying this because he feels he has to, this was his private journal, something he probably thought only he would look at. You don’t write lies in them. If he loves you that much he’ll get over whatever it was that you did or didn’t do but you need to give him that chance. I think you will regret it if you don’t.”
***
August 13th 2006
God I’m such a fucking shit!
I cheated on Adie last night. I got so uptight about her leaving, about my Dad coming to town that I called her and told her she was selfish for leaving when I asked her to stay. That didn’t go down well and she yelled at me for being an immature brat, told me her world didn’t revolve around me and that she had a job and a life to get back to, that I should have been grateful that she made it out to see me at all. I see that now and I know I wasn’t angry at her for leaving at all, I was anxious and…and scared about seeing my Dad. That’s truly pathetic isn’t it?
I just
It hurts. He has a new life now - a new family and I feel as though I’m not part of that anymore. Maybe that’s my own fault, god knows he’s tried enough to include me but I’ve blown him and Ginger off so many times that I think he’s just given up. Is it sad that I still seek his approval? I’m twenty six and I still want him to pat me on the back and tell me that he’s proud of me, that he’s impressed by the way I’ve gotten all the kids together and I’m trying to work on things? To here him say that he loves me.
I ended up meeting up with Chris and Shadrack because I couldn’t settle enough to sleep and we hit a few bars, had shit loads of shots and before I knew it I was back at some random girls house with her on her knees in front of me. I don’t even remember her name!
I didn’t get any farther but I already know that’s too far and I know she is going to kill me when I tell her. I have to tell her, I know I do because if I don’t and she finds out anyway it’s just going to be so much worse. I can’t face doing it though, I don’t want to see her face get all…I don’t want to be the reason she’s crying. I don’t even know if she’ll take me back. I don’t think she will, she’s not like others I’ve dated, she can’t just be bought with an expensive gift and promises of me changing.
I think I might have lost her.
***
September 20th 2006
I saw Adie today for the first time since she told me to drop down dead and choke on my vomit! She was angry, I’ve never seen her like that but I know I deserved it, I hurt her in the worst way possible and nothing is ever going to change that.
I told her that I’m moving here, told her that I’m going to change for her, I haven’t had any alcohol since that night. She told me that if I’m going to make a change I need to do it for myself and not for anyone else and I think she is right. I am going to change and I am going to try my hardest to get her back because she is the only thing I want in my life forever.
There was that word again.
Forever.
Was that really sustainable? Could they really do forever? Would he still see her in the same light if she was honest with him? Would he still want forever then? Could she really bare it if he couldn’t?
***
November 2006
Alex proposed to Rachel.
They’ve been dating the same amount of time as me and Adie.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that.
I love her though, with all my heart I know I love her.
I don’t think it’s going to be enough.
One entry, only five lines long but it told her more then any of the others had. He knew, just like she had, from that fateful day that it was all going to crumble. He just didn’t realise and neither had she that it wasn’t because of him, it was all down to her. Sure at first she had thought it was because of his lack of commitment, his lack of trust, his reluctance to open up to her but in reality that had all been transference. She was the problem.
This whole pregnancy, the whole circumstances in which things had happened seemed to be history repeating itself but this time she had been the one to call the shots, she had been the one to cause the heart ache and in doing that, in trying to protect herself she had just made her heart break even further.
She wasn’t sure if it would ever be repairable.
***
She shivered as the cold gel was squirted onto her stomach.
“You okay?” Nick asked seeing her reaction.
“It’s just cold,” she smiled making him smile back to her but his attention quickly turned to the screen when the strong whooshing sound could be heard.
“There she is,” Dr MacManus said, pointing out different things to the awaiting parents but Adie zoned out on what she was saying, it was stuff she had heard before and slowly she turned her gaze towards Nick, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He didn’t, he was so transfixed on the screen before him, his eyes a glow like a little kid on Christmas as he was talked through the image. She wanted so badly to reach out and run her hand through his hair, to grab for his hand but she stopped herself, she couldn’t do that, not yet, not before he knew the truth. Would he still let her do that though? When he knew what she had done would he still be able to love her forever?
“Adie?” She heard her name called and turned back to the Doctor.
“Sorry?”
“How are you feeling? Any cramping? Bleeding?”
“No none.”
“Okay. Then I don’t see any reason why you can’t go back to work if your feeling up to it, just no traumas okay?” She said as she wiped the gel from her patients stomach. “Now Nick any medical problems on your side of the family we should know about? Diabetes? Asthma? Heart disease?”
“Not that I know of,” he shrugged.
“Adie?”
“My Dad had a heart attack a few years back but apart from that I can’t think of any thing,” she said as she hoped down from the gurney and sat beside Nick as Dr MacManus sat behind her desk marking a few things down on her chart.
“And this is your first pregnancy?”
There it was. Her opportunity for the truth to come spilling out, for him to finally know. She considered lying but all she kept hearing in the back of her mind was what Chelle had told her.
“If he loves you that much he’ll get over whatever it was that you did or didn’t do but you need to give him that chance.”
“No, it’s my second.”
