When Nick had opened the door she had been the last person on earth he had expected to see. She was soaked, completely and utterly drenched, her dark hair hung heavily from her head, large drops of water falling from the ends and running of her leather jacket, she had dark rings around her eyes from where her makeup had run, he would later realise that was from tears and not just the rain, her jeans almost black from the amount of water they held.

He even had to say her name to make sure that it wasn’t some crazy illusion, “Adie?”

“I want to come -” He missed the last part because she trailed off into a mumble. He had hoped she had said back but he wasn’t holding his breath because he knew the logical end to that sentence would be come in and so he had opened the door wider to let her through, looking back to her questioningly when she didn’t make any move to enter. Typical of her to wait for a verbal invitation.

“Sure you can come in.”

She remained where she was, shaking her head before she said, “No, I said I want to come home.”

He stared at her dumbfounded for a moment because there was no way she could have said what he thought his ears had heard. There was no way she would cave in that easily, her mind had been made up, she had already told him firmly so many times that it couldn’t possibly be as easy as that. He watched as she wiped at her eyes, making the makeup smudge further across her face but he still didn’t move to do anything, it wasn’t until he realised how badly she was shivering, her teeth almost chattering that he made his move.

He stepped forward closing the small gap between them quickly and wrapped his arms around her shoulders pulling her into his chest as he placed a kiss to the side of her wet head. She clung to him, literally held him so tightly around the middle he thought he was going to find it hard to breath but he didn’t care, the only thing that mattered was that she was here in his arms where she belonged.

“I’m sorry, god I’m so sorry,” she whispered before so broke down crying. He didn’t say anything, all he did was hold her that bit tighter, loving the feeling of having her in his arms again, loving how different it felt because of the small bump where their daughter was lying was pressing against him. He kissed the side of her head again before he tried to pull away from her but she increased her grip almost as if she was afraid to let him go. He unwrapped one of her arms from around his waist and took her hand in his as he led her into the hallway of the house, closing the door behind them to keep out the cold and rain.

He looked back to her once they were inside and the moment his eyes locked with hers she started crying uncontrollably again and all he could do was pull her to him to try and calm her. He just held her as she cried but after five minutes he knew the shaking she was doing wasn’t only from the emotion wracking her body but because she was so damn cold and wet. He needed to warm her, needed to get her out the wet clothes because he was now starting to feel the cold as her wet body seemed to leak onto him, his own t-shirt now sticking to him.

“You’re freezing,” He said as he peeled her sopping leather jacket from her arms and body, amazed by how heavy it now was. He hung it up on the banister of the stairs that stood behind before turning back to her. He drunk in the sight of her, her vest top completely stuck to her body, totally enhancing the roundness of her swollen tummy and he couldn’t help but smile. “You need a warm bath, c’mon,” he said taking her hand again leading her up the stairs towards their bedroom.

Her tears had quietened now but they were still falling and she didn’t say anything when he sat her down on the bed before he walked into the bathroom and began to run the water into the huge tub, adding a few of the bath salts she had left behind after she had left. That was when it really hit him that this was actually happening, he was running a bath for her because she was here, because she had just told him she wanted to come home, she was only a few feet away from him, sat on their bed. He took a shaky breath himself as he grabbed a towel and walked back into the bedroom to find her sat exactly where he had left her, her hand coming up to her cheek to wipe away the tears that were still falling. He sat down next to her again and softly began to wipe at her hair with the towel to try and soak up some of the rain water, and when he knew he wasn’t going to be able to make it any drier his hands went to the hem of her vest pulling it up over her head when she lifted her arms for him. She shivered more violently when the cold air hit her already cold chest and he quickly wrapped the towel around her shoulders before he bought her to his own chest again, rubbing his hands up and down her arms to try and conduct some heat.

A few moments later he lead her into the warmer bathroom and sat her down on the toilet as he busied himself with finishing off her bath.

“I’m going to go and make you a hot drink okay?” He said as he headed towards the door.

He stopped when he heard her call out to him, turning to face her.

“I love you,” she whispered.

He smiled brightly to her returning the sentiment, “I love you too. I’ll be right back okay?”

He made his way out of the bathroom, walked through the bedroom and made his way into the hallway, bumping into Angel as she walked out of the guest room she was staying in.

“Who was at the door?” She asked and eh couldn’t help but smile.

“Adie.”

“You’re smiling,” she noticed, her own small smile appearing.

“She’s having a bath. She wants to come home.”

“Really?!” She asked excitedly as leant forward and hugged him. “Just let me grab some food and water and I promise I will stay out of the way for the rest of the day!” She told him as she headed towards the stairs.

“You don’t have to do that,” he replied as he followed her down the stairs.

“Yeah I do, you need some time alone.”

***

Adie slipped into the warmth of the bath and she could instantly feel the soothing and calming effect the lavender bath bubbles were having on her. She reclined back and closed her eyes as she let herself sink lower until her head was completely submerged by water, she stayed that way until her lungs burned with their need for air and then she quickly resurfaced. She ran her hands over her face, wiping her eyes to clear the water from them as she rested her head back against the edge of the bath. She looked around the room realising that not a lot had changed since she had been there last, then again why would it? Everything was hidden in here anyway, when they had redecorated the master suite only a year before she had made sure there was enough storage space for everything to have it’s own place in the bathroom because she couldn’t stand to see half bottles of used product everywhere.

She looked to the cupboard that used to hold all her own toiletries and wondered whether it was still completely barren or whether he had filled it with anything, that then led her to wonder whether his clothes had over flowed to her side of the closet, whether there was still a few empty drawers in the office for her teaching aids and books. Could she possibly just move back in like nothing had happened? Refill those spaces with her stuff almost as if they had never been empty? Could it really be as simple as just asking to come back home like she had done not fifteen minutes ago? If Nick’s reaction was anything to go by maybe it was.

When he didn’t say anything she was afraid that she had left it too late, that his promise to wait as long as it took was a lie, that he was going to either laugh or shut the door in her face and leave her in the rain. That was what she deserved. She didn’t deserve the hug he had held her in, didn’t deserve the kisses she had received and she certainly didn’t deserve his tenderness in running her a bath, drying her off and making her a drink. She deserved to be left out in the cold alone to be treated exactly like she had treated him when she had walked out without a second glance.

She heard the door creak and when she turned her head he was stood, a cup of something steaming hot in his hands, a smile playing on his lips and she wondered how she could have ever left him when he could be this kind and caring. He could also be a real jerk at times though, just like she could be a real bitch when the mood took her, nobody was perfect, she knew that now, she just hoped that he knew it too because she knew he was going to see a different part of her, a part he might not like, but it was a part of her none the less.

“Getting warmer?” He asked as he handed her the cup which she gratefully took, smiling when she realised what it was.

“Yeah. Where’s my marshmallows?” She asked jokingly, nodding her head to the hot chocolate in her hands.

“I only have white ones left, you don’t like those,” he reminded.

“There’s some stuff I need to tell you,” Adie told him with a shaky breath.

“I know but it can wait for now. I’ll be downstairs okay?” he said running his finger down her tearstained, makeup smudged cheek.

“I won’t be long.”

“Take your time,” he said with a wink before he left her in the bathroom.

She took another deep breath in as she sunk a tiny bit lower, her chin just above the level of the water and then she bought the cup to her lips savouring the chocolaty taste. He wasn’t a very good cook, the only thing he could really cook was steak, he couldn’t iron without leaving a mark on the clothing and the last time she had left him hang a picture he had hammered his own thumb, but there was one thing he was definitely good at and that was making the best hot chocolate. Nick had told her that he had learnt from his grandmother but he wouldn’t tell her what the secret ingredient was in making it so chocolaty yet not sickly. She downed the cup almost instantly and moved so she could place the cup on the edge of the tub before she grabbed for the shampoo bottle to remove the rain from her hair.

Twenty minutes later the bath water was starting to loose it’s heat and she knew that it was time to get out, even if she still had no clue about what she was going to say to him, about how she was going to make him understand. She couldn’t stay in the tub forever though and so reluctantly she pulled the plug and watched as the water receded around her, letting it get as low as uncovering her thighs before she decided to move.

She towelled her hair semi dry and she walked into the closet and that was when it hit her. When she had been in the bathroom and in his arms it almost felt like she had never left, like the past month and a half had been a nightmare she had managed to wake up from. The half of the closet that was bare was a harsh reminder of what she had done and she turned her head away from its bareness quickly. She rooted through a few of Nick’s t-shirts, knowing that her clothes would still be far too wet to wear, and slipped on one of his Tampa Bay jerseys before walking to the chest of drawers and pulling out a pair of his boxers, putting them on as well. She spotted herself in the mirror as she walked out of the closet and realised what a state she looked, her eyes red and puffy, a few dark traces of makeup still remaining, her hair wet and knotted, her skin pale. She shook her head at herself with a little laugh, she looked like this and he still wanted her? God he must be crazy.

***

It had been half an hour since he had left her in the tub, and he was about to get neck ache from the way his head was moving back and forth from the TV to the stairs to see if she was making her way down. He needed an explanation and she had been willing to tell him earlier but he couldn’t stay in the bathroom with her, not when she was naked and exposed and venerable because he only had so much will power.

He heard as she made her way down the stairs, the floorboard on the fifth step creaking loudly as she made her way down and he quickly shut off the football game he had been watching. If he was honest he hadn’t been paying any attention, it was a distraction from just going into the bathroom and staring at her to make sure that this was all real and not some cruel trick his mind was playing on him. It wasn’t, he knew it wasn’t because she was right in the hallway, he could see her through the mirror, she was in his favourite jersey, it looked so big on her, almost hanging to her knee, his large socks dwarfing her feet even though he knew she rooshed them down so they would stay on. He loved it when she would wear his clothes, she always looked so tiny and so comfy, so inviting. It didn’t matter if her face was clear of any makeup, if she had toothpaste covering her spots in a vain attempt to clear them up quicker because it reminded him of how normal she was and he needed that in his life.

She was leaning down into her bag but a few seconds later she pulled out what she had been looking for and dragged her brush through her still wet hair before she pulled it up into a messy bun. She dropped the brush back into her bag before she started walking in his direction and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. She heisted at the doorway, leaning against the frame, almost as if she was too shy to enter any further without an invite.

“Feel better?” he asked and she nodded her head as she slowly made her way in to the living room, sitting down in the loveseat across the coffee table from him.

“I didn’t have any clothes,” she explained tugging at his jersey as she bought her legs up underneath her.

“You used to spend most of your time in mine anyway,” he reminded with a small smile. She however didn’t smile back, her eyes diverting away from his and down into her lap where her fingers played nervously with the hem of his jersey.

“I…uh…this is really difficult for me,” she said softly.

“Take your time, you don’t have to tell me everything today,” he reassured as he rested his elbow on the arm of the couch, his cheek resting in his hand.

“How can you be like this?” She asked hiccupping back her tears, glancing to him quickly before looking away again.

Nick frowned, “Like what?”

“So understanding about….everything. I wasn’t there for you Nick, when you needed more time, when you needed me to understand, I wasn’t there, I left you, god I left you,” she cried wiping away the tears that refused to stop falling. She held up her hand to him when he made a move to stand up and move beside her. “Please don’t…I just…I need to be honest with you and I don’t know whether I can do that with you next to me,” she told him honestly.

“Okay,” He nodded as he sat back down in his seat.

She was quiet for a few moments, her eyes closed or either in her lap and all he wanted to do was go to her and wrap her in his warm embrace, to tell her everything was going to be okay, to give her the confidence that he loved so much about her back, she was the only one who get that back though. He hated seeing the shell of the women he knew before him and all he wanted to know was what caused it or who caused it so he could go and beat the crap out of them.

“I had an abortion,” she told him softly, her eyes not meeting his.

He wanted to tell her that he was shocked, but in all honesty he had figured as soon as she had said that this wasn’t her first pregnancy, after all he didn’t suspect her of having a hidden child somewhere, that if she had miscarried he would have found out about it by now. The truth was he had been shocked that she would do something like that, she just didn’t seem to type to him, she always seemed so pro life, she had spent her whole adult life trying to protect and save the lives of others, of mainly children so he hadn’t understood how she could have so callously cut a life short before it had even begun. He had thought it about it a lot ever since he had found out she had been pregnant before and the more he did the more he had realised that there was a lot more behind it then what first met the eye, he just hadn’t realised how much it had effected her.

“When?” He asked when she offered up no more information.

Her eyes never left her hands which were still nervously picking at the hem of his jersey. “I was twenty two, it was back in London.”

London.

It explained a lot. It was where everything had come to a head between the two of them, where everything had finally fallen apart and instantly he knew what the catalyst was for it. He had suspected that Mark was to blame for how she had acted in London, and although he had been half right he had originally thought it was because she had regrets about leaving him. Now he knew different.

“Mark?” He asked and she nodded slowly.

“I thought he was going to be happy…but I was wrong. He told me that it wasn’t the best timing, and I knew he was right because I had only just qualified and I had no money, he was just S.H.O on crappy pay and long hours and because I wasn’t a citizen I didn’t qualify for the maternity pay until I worked there for two years. There was no way we could…he told me that after we were married-”

“You were engaged to him?” Nick asked at her admission.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me that before?” he asked.

“Because it didn’t matter.”

“Obviously it does,” he frowned.

“I was young and stupid and I believed him when he said he loved me. We we’re engaged for a week and then I found out I was pregnant. He was six years older then me, I was in a foreign country, I had just started my job and I thought I was doing it because it was the right thing to do. That he was saying those things because he cared about me and he wanted us to have the best life possible, but he…he…” she trailed off.

“He cheated on you,” Nick finished.

She nodded as she finally looked up to him, “He was supposed to pick me up from the clinic…I had to get the tube home because he didn’t show,” she said her voice breaking as she vainly wiped at the tears. “Three hours after…after I…I found him in fucking bed with Kelly,” she sobbed, covering her face with her hands. He watched her body rack from her sobs for a few seconds and then he made his way to her, pulling her into his arms when she tried to fight him off.

“Stop it,” he warned as she tried to push his arms away.

“I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve to be felt sorry for,” she cried.

“You don’t deserve the life time of guilt either Adie.”

“Yes I do. I could have told him that I was keeping it. I could have come home and had the baby because I know my parents would have helped me but I didn’t,” She hiccupped as she finally relented into his embrace.

“Nobody knew did they? You didn’t tell anyone?” He asked as he trailed his hand up and down her back, sighing when she shook her head no. “You’ve kept this to yourself for five years?”

“Yeah.”

“Sugar puff,” he sighed again as he placed a kiss to her head.

“Do you think…think that I’m a terrible…person,” she asked through sobs.

He pulled back from her, reaching down slightly so he could cup her face within his hands as he made her look at him, “No,” he told her firmly. “No you are not a terrible person.”

“I think about it everyday Nick. Sometimes it’s when I wake up, other times it’s before it go to sleep. A couple of months ago I was treating a women who had a miscarriage and she was devastated and the whole time all I could think about was how I just threw mine away without a second thought,” she told him wiping at her eyes. He dropped his hands from her cheeks, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and she leant into his side taking his free hand in hers.

“Did you get any counselling after?” He asked his thumb lightly brushing over her knuckles.

“I was supposed to but my Dad got sick and I moved back and I tried to forget. I thought I had buried this,” she admitted sniffing back her tears.

“I don’t think you have sweetie. Maybe it would help to speak to someone about it?”

“I just want to forget,” she said softly as she snuggled her head into his shoulder more.

“Doesn’t work like that. You can try and run from it but it’s always going to be there if you don’t face it, trust me,” he chuckled.

“Why do you want me? I’m so screwed up,” she sniffed wiping at her nose.

He pulled her closer to him as he told her, “You are talking to the king of screwed up here!”

It even managed to get a small laugh out of her and with that sound he knew eventually everything was going to be okay.

What if I, lead a different life,
Would you stay, stay?
What if you, could only speak the truth,
what would you say, say?

Time doesn't wait for anyone.

There's a part in everyday,
where I lie to myself and say that it's okay.
'cause if I don't I think I'll go insane.
But the truth is, I only have myself to blame.

Song Credit: The Thruth - The Spill Canvas