Adie lightly threw the magazine she had been reading down on the coffee table as she heard the volume increase above her, the depressing strains of some heavy metal song bleeding through the ceiling. This was CD Nick always chose to play when he was angry or pissed off but this time she knew it was because he was thinking too much, thinking about all the things they had discussed with Rebecca today.
She knew it was going to be hard for him and she knew he would probably shut off from her for the rest of the afternoon but the thing she found the hardest was the disinterest he had shown when she told him she thought the baby had the hiccups for the first time. Every other thing she told him that she had felt he had been so excited about, every week he had come to her after reading the email he got sent that updated him about how much she should be growing and what to expect now. He’d barely even acknowledged her this afternoon when she told him and that had really hurt. She sighed heavily when the volume increased some more and knew the longer she let him wallow in his misery the harder it would be to snap him out of it and the likelihood of a full blown argument would increase. She didn’t want that, not when he would be leaving in two days.
She made her way up the stairs and along the hallway until she reached the door to the nursery. Bracing herself for the sudden increase in volume she pushed the door open and her eyes fell on him immediately. He stood to the left of her, the roller in his right hand as he laid the lilac paint on to the wall in front of him but she could tell from the look on his face that he was somewhere completely different. His brow was furrowed, his eyes dark, his jaw clenched and all she wanted to do was go to him and wrap her arms around him but she knew her actions would not be received well and so she called his name. She wasn’t surprised when he didn’t hear her and she walked further into the room and turned down the volume of the CD player, that certainly got his attention.
“Too loud?” He asked turning back to painting quickly.
“Just a bit,” she smiled. “I was going to start dinner, any requests?” She asked, leaning against the only wall that was still the cream colour it had been originally.
“I’m not hungry,” He told her quickly.
“You didn’t have any lunch either,” She reminded softly. He’d been holed up painting all afternoon, it had been his way of escaping as soon as they had gotten home that morning from therapy.
“I want to get this coat on, I can make something for myself later,” He shrugged still not looking at her.
She held in her sigh and when she spotted the spare roller on the floor she grabbed it and dunked it into the tray that held the purple paint. It wasn’t until she went back to put a second layer of paint on the roller that he even realised she was still in the room.
“What are you doing?” He asked turning to her.
“Helping. If we both do this we can get it done quicker and spend some time together this evening.”
“You shouldn’t be in here because of the fumes,” he told her flatly, taking the roller out of her hands. She stared at him for a few seconds, wanting to call him out on his mood but she acted against it and conceded to his wishes.
“You’re right,” she said tilting her head to the side, “I’ll be down stairs.”
***
He watched out of the corner of his eyes as she left the room and let out a sigh before he walked over to the CD player switching it back on, making sure the volume was lower this time round. He knew how he was acting towards her, he knew he had closed off since they had come back from therapy, he knew he was upsetting her with the way he was acting but today had been so hard, so draining on him and yet his mind just couldn’t seem to close off.
It was like this wall he had built had been broken, like a door had been opened and no mater how hard he tried he just couldn’t find a big enough lock. It had taken him years to build the barriers, to be able to fool himself that his past didn’t get to him but today…all the wounds had been reopened and they stung just as much as they used to, maybe even more then they used to.
Earlier that Day
“Last week seemed to work really well so I suggest that we use the same sort of format if you’re both okay with that?” Rebecca asked when everyone was comfortable.
“Yeah,” Adie nodded, making him agree with her.
“So Adie is there something specific about your relationship with Nick you want to discuss today? Something you think you don’t quite understand about him?”
As soon as she looked at him she knew exactly where she was going, knew exactly what she was going to ask about and the door had never looked so appealing to him. He had spent so long in trying to bury everything about his past, about the shattered family he had that he had no clue on where he was going to start and explain everything to her.
She bit her lip for a few seconds before she found the courage to ask, “ I don’t understand why you don’t talk about your past with your family.”
“For the same reasons you don’t like to talk about London,” He answered. He knew it was a cop out and he knew there was no way he was going to be able to get away with just leaving it like that.
“Adie discussed those issues with you last week Nick,” Rebecca reminded.
“I know she did. But I don’t know what you want from me when it comes to my family? It’s a huge topic Adie.“
“I want to know why you’re so cynical about marriage and family life,” she asked softly.
“You’ve read the magazine articles, you’ve seen the show, you know what I went through with them,” He told her as he crossed his arms over his chest in a vain effort to protect himself.
“Yeah I know what you went through, I know when they got divorced, I know it was over the money and being in the spotlight but I don’t know how you feel about it, I know its effected you,” Adie said softly.
“Why do you feel you can’t get married Nick?” Rebecca asked.
He laughed slightly before looking at her, “I didn’t have the best role models when it came to that side of life.”
“I get that Nick but I still…I haven’t met either of your parents, we’re having a baby together-” Adie began but Nick cut her off quickly.
“You…I don’t expect you to understand what happened in my family because I look at your parents and your upbringing was so different to mine,” He told her almost bitterly, the jealousy in his voice very evident.
“My family is not all sunshine and light. There were plenty of times when I thought my folks would end up divorced. When Rachel was a teen and decided that she didn’t give a crap about grades or completing school they both looked to me to get the good grades, to get the good job, I was the one they were proud of because I was going to make something of my life. There was always so much pressure to be good, to have a direction a life, to succeed at everything I set my mind to. Why do you think I decided to move to London? I had to get away from that but I ended screwing up completely, something they still don’t know about. So don’t tell me my upbringing was great. Yeah my private life was kept private and not scrutinised by the media like your was but it wasn’t as great as you seem to think it was,” She bit back at him angrily.
The room fell into an uncomfortable silence and Nick’s eyes diverted away from Adie’s dark angry ones, his gaze focusing on the sunny morning he could see seeping in from the large windows and French doors. The outside had never looked so inviting and when he got up and made his way over to the window he knew that both Adie and Rebecca thought he was leaving, even though neither of them said anything. He hovered at the window looking out, it was amazing how talking about something like his family could make him feel trapped, claustrophobic, it felt like the room was going to close in on him and he knew he just had to get out of the there.
“Can we go outside?” He asked without turning around.
“If that’s okay with Adie,” Rebecca replied.
“It’s fine.”
A few minutes later they were sat out in the warm heat of the June day and Nick smiled a thanks to Adie when she handed him a pair of his sunglasses from out of her purse when he began to squint in the sun. Some things never changed. The silence engulfed them all once again and he knew this time it was up to him and it made more sense if he was the one to open up, to decide the topic he wanted to share, because then he cold shield himself from the stuff that was really going to hurt.
“There was so much pressure on me, I was the one who was bringing in all the money, I was the provider of my family at fifteen years old. I was always told that the family had given up a lot for me to get as far as I had and now it was my turn to look after them.”
“How did that make you feel Nick?” Rebecca asked.
“I was a kid,” He shrugged, “They had given up a lot for me and I was happy to do it because we did have a better life when the money started coming in but after a while things started to change. I realised that they were all taking advantage of the money I was brining in.”
“How so?” Rebecca asked.
“When they bought the sixth sports car that they didn’t really need, or when I asked to have more control over my finances. It wasn’t just my Mom like media said it was, it was all of them, even the kids, but with them I know it was because my parents let them be that way. Anything they wanted they got, it got to the point where…I don’t want to come across as selfish or uncaring about my family but that was my money, I had worked really hard to get that and at the rate they were all spending it, it wouldn’t have lasted,” he said crossing his leg over his already bouncing knee.
“So what did you do?” Rebecca prompted.
“I was eighteen by that time and…I needed my own independence like anybody does at that age but when I told my Mom I wanted to move out, that I wanted to move in with my first serious girlfriend she wasn’t happy. At first I thought it was because I was just leaving and she didn’t want to let me go because she was going to miss me but after a while I realised that the only thing it was about was the money,” he said quietly and even though his eyes were concealed by the dark sunglasses Adie knew his eyes would be focused on the floor.
“How did that make you feel?” Adie asked.
“Like I didn’t matter to her, the only thing she cared about was my pay check. I was pissed off at the time because I looked at the other guys and their families and they were all so proud of what they had achieved, what we had achieved together but it wasn’t like that in my family. When ever anything went wrong it was always my fault, even if I was the other side of the world, it was my fault. I think I’ve taken that with me.”
“Why?” Rebecca asked.
“I left, I got my own place and I really didn’t have much contact with any of them and so it fell to Aaron to be the provider, he was the next line with the biggest income. I should have protected him but I didn’t. There were so many times when he begged me to let him come and live with me, begged me to come back and I didn’t because that wasn’t my problem anymore. Now I see what they did to him, they did exactly the same but it was harder for him to get away.”
“Tell us about the divorce Nick,” Rebecca promoted.
“I think all of us were relieved when it actually happened. They’d been threatening it for years, well before my career started, they used to have these huge rows were they would scream at each other, didn’t matter if it was three o’clock in the morning, things would get thrown and then they get us all together. They’d sit us in a room and ask us all who we wanted to live with, we’d have to choose then and there. I was twenty four when they eventually did it, I’d been long gone by then but they fought over Aaron and I wasn’t there for him. That was first time he realised that it wasn’t about their love for him it was about their love for his money. I was lucky I had the rest of the guys to support me and help me through but he didn’t have anybody,” He said his voice cracking slightly.
***
Nick wiped his eyes as the first tears began to fall, trying to sniff them back angrily. It was pathetic, he was over all this, it was in the past so why was he acting like a pussy now? Because he was at a time in his life where he was about to start his own family and instead of his parents being excited about the prospect of being grandparents like Izzy and Stuart were, he wasn’t even sure if his Mom and Dad even knew about his daughter and her impending arrival.
He wasn’t sure if he even wanted them to know. He didn’t want them to tarnish what was such a happy time in his life, then again they had managed to do that without even being there because he had barely spoken two words to Adie all afternoon. She didn’t deserve that just because he was hurting and pissed off at them, he was leaving in forty eight hours, he should have been relishing in the time left to spend with her instead of holding out in the nursery.
He applied the last coat to the wall and slowly stepped into the middle of the room, surveying his hard work, all the walls now painted the lilac colour that they had compromised on.
“She’s a girl Nick, pink is a girlie colour,” Adie had told him holding up the can of baby pink paint.
“It’s like a marshmallow and I hate pink,” He whined. “What about lemon?”
“It’s a cold colour, nursery’s need to be warm,” She told him as she placed the pink paint back knowing it was one war she wasn’t going to win.
“What about this one?” He giggled as he picked up the deep, blood red paint.
She shook her head at him as she laughed as well, “Yeah and she’ll turn into a Satan worshipper.”
“Hey what about purple?” He asked quickly almost like a light bulb had gone off in his head.
“I think that it the best idea you have had all day,” She smiled brightly at him.
Nick slowly made his way down the stairs and walked up behind Adie who was in the kitchen, making her jump slightly when he slid his arms around her middle and rested his chin on her shoulder.
“You scared me,” she told him as she continued to chop the vegetables in front of her.
“Sorry,” he laughed before placing a kiss to her cheek. “What are you cooking?”
“Rogan Josh and yes there will be plenty for you,” she told him before he could even ask.
“With all this spicy food you’re craving are you sure this baby is mine?” He joked.
“Well…there was this one night with Howie,” she said but ended up laughing. “You okay?” She asked when he made no move to stop holding her.
“I’m sorry about this afternoon,” he whispered.
“Don’t be,” she said as she turned around in his arms so she could see his face. “I know today was hard but I’m happy that you opened up.” She wrapped her arms around his neck a bit her lip a sure indication she wanted to ask something but was having second thoughts.
“What?” he asked.
“Can I…” she stuttered, “Can I ask you about a journal entry you wrote?” She asked shyly.
He sighed not knowing if he could take anymore opening up today but when he looked down at her chocolate brown eyes he nodded his head and let her lead him into the living room. He noticed the four journals he had given her about a three weeks ago piled on top of the coffee table, on elying haphazardly open. He sat own next to her and took the journal she handed him.
“Read that one for me,” she said pointing to the entry and she did what he asked, remembering writing it on the flight back when she had been sleeping soundly next to him.
August 12th 2007
It was our third anniversary yesterday. I surprised Adie by taking her down to the house in the Keys for a long weekend but its hasn’t gone as well as I thought it would. I bought her a new watch, earrings, took her out for a nice meal but all the time I knew there was only one thing on her mind.
She knows where I stand with the whole marriage thing, I told her after Alex and Rachel got engaged last year. She told me she was okay with it, that it wouldn’t make her love me any less but…since then something has changed between us.
I catch her looking at dresses in Bridal windows when we walk past them, walk in on her watching wedding shows on Discovery real lives, see how fake her smile is when someone else reveals that they are engaged.
I know she is hoping that I’ve changed my mind and last night, god it was so awful because I could see how her mind was working when I took her to dinner. It was almost as if she was just waiting for me to ask her, to get down on one knee in front of the whole restaurant and ask her to spend the rest of her life with me. I know she was crushed when I didn’t.
She thinks that I was asleep last night, that I didn’t hear her quiet tears but I was awake the whole time. I hate myself for doing this to her but it’s not what I want, I can’t…if I propose it’s going to be because she wants it and I know she I would never be able to go through with it, that would hurt her more.
I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her but it doesn’t seem enough. She wants more and right now I am giving her all that I can, if that’s not enough I don’t know what more I can do.
He finished reading the journal entry and placed it back on to the coffee table and looked to her questioningly.
“Did you mean it?” She asked.
He frowned not really understanding her question. “Mean what?”
“That you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” She asked softly and at that moment he knew she was afraid of what the answer would be.
“Yeah,” he nodded as he took her hand in his. “Yeah I meant it and I still want to.”
“I’m sorry,” she said running her thumb over his knuckles.
“Sorry for what?” he asked, again confused at what she was trying to get at.
“That should have been enough for me back then. I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you, on our relationship because at the end of the day sweetie all that matters is that we are together, and we’re happy and a ring and a piece of paper isn’t going to change the fact that we love each other, it isn’t going to make us love her any more then we already do,” she said placing her hand to her bump.
He smiled as he wrapped his arms around her and bought her closer to his chest, whispering into the hair, “I want you forever.”
Although she was happy at his words she couldn’t help but wonder if he meant it, after all the last time he had promised to love her forever he had given her the ring to symbolise that. “A Ma Vie De Coer Entier,” he had given her his whole heart for his whole life. Two months after he had given it to her, she had handed it back, so could she really be surprised that he wasn’t offering it up as willingly as before?
