“Check it again,” Adie whispered calmly as she stared intently at the screen, scanning it for any movement. It had to be there, it just had to be. She had felt her moving last night, felt Molly’s tiny foot give her a harsh dig in the ribs. She had been up three times in the night to pee because Molly had been playing her usual game of thinking Adie’s bladder was her punch bag.

“Adie-” Dr McManus sympathetically said as she placed her hand over her patients.

 “No it’s there, it has to be there, you’re just not looking hard enough,” she said starting to become more hysterical with every word that left her mouth, the tears of realisation falling freely. This just couldn’t be happening, she was so far along now, her only worry had been about delivering early, about something happening to her after she was born, the thought of this happening had never even entered her mind. That’s why the Doctor had to be wrong, how could the child that she was carrying, nurturing, die before it even got a chance to live, a chance to breath? It just didn’t make sense. She had done everything right, she had read the books, she had rested, put her feet up as often as she could, hadn’t drank or smoked, so why had this happened? Sure there had been the accident at work when she was three and half months gone but everything had been fine, so why now? Why in her sixth almost seventh month had this happened?

“Adie I’ve been looking for almost ten minutes now, I still can’t find any eviden-”

“No she’s there; I felt her moving last night.” She grabbed the dopeler from the machine and started moving it aimlessly around her swollen stomach vainly attempting to hear the strong whooshing of her child’s heart beating, the beat that had been present only last week when she had been to another check up.

“It’s there, I heard it last week, it’s there I know it is, you didn’t look hard enough, you didn’t take enough time, it’s there…it’s there, it has to be the-”

He had been trying to take the shocking news in, to process it all, it just didn’t seem real, and it felt like it was some cruel joke. At first he thought that Adie was right, that she just hadn’t looked hard enough but the more he stared at the screen the more the realisation sunk in, his baby, their baby, Molly had died. He slowly turned his head from the still screen before him to Adie, who was still moving the doppler around her swollen stomach, becoming more and more irate and upset when the truth started to daunt on her.

“It’s there, it has to be, it- She repeated again.

“Adie,” he whispered, standing from where he had been sat, he gripped her hand tightly in his, “She’s gone.”

“No,” She shook her head as the tears continued to fall and he knew that in her head she understood, it was her heart that was having the difficulty catching up. He managed to hold back his own emotion as he leant his forehead against hers, his spare hand reaching for the Doppler.

“She’s gone,” he whispered again.

Dr McManus had left the pair for ten minutes to let the news sink in, to let them grieve in privacy but obviously things were more complicated then this just being a simple miscarriage. With a miscarriage Adie could have just gone home, could have just let nature take it’s course but being that their baby probably weighed around two pounds by now, she would have to deliver. It was quite clear that the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind when Dr McManus returned to talk to them about what happened next. Adie started outside the window as the Doctor situated herself behind the desk, her hand gripped onto Nick’s for dear life, and her tears fell silently as he left hand rested on her bump, her thumb stroking it softly every so often.

Nick tried to concentrate on what was being said because he knew that Adie wasn’t paying any attention, the shock of the news they had just received still too raw making it too difficult for her to concentrate on anything else. He was having a hard time himself, missing a few words here and there but Dr McManus explained that it was nothing that Adie had done wrong, that it was just something that occasionally happened, and that once the Baby was born they might then understand why it had occurred but that there was also the possibility that they might never find out the reasoning behind her death. Nick nodded along, occasionally applying a bit more pressure to Adie’s hand to remind her that she wasn’t alone but he still wasn’t sure if she even hearing a word of what was being said. She soon made her presence known when Dr McManus broached the topic of how they would proceed next.

“We’ll get you set up with an epidural-“ She began.

“I have to go through labour?” Adie managed to choke out, her head turning towards the Doctor.

She nodded solemnly, “Yes. We’ll set you up with an epidural and we can add in a PCA if you’d like, then we’ll give you the Pitocin to star-”

The scraping of Adie’s chair against the floor of the office drowned out the rest of what Dr MacManus said, and Nick wasn’t even sure if she actually finished all she wanted to say as Adie stood abruptly from her seat, pulling her hand from his.

“I’m not doing this,” she said sternly as she headed towards the door.

“Adie,” He called after her, also standing from his seat as he watched her walk towards the door.

“I know this is difficult to talk about Adie but we really need to start this today,” The Doctor told her as she also stood.

“No,” Adie said as she shook her head, “No we don’t because you’re wrong and I’m not doing this.”

“Adie,” Nick called as he watched her yank the door open and almost run through it, he made a move to follow her as he called her name again but the Doctor stopped him.

“Let her go,” she said as she placed a comforting hand on Nick’s shoulder. “I can’t imagine how hard this news is but we really do need to deliver the baby.”

“How long can we wait?” Nick asked. “Up to a week, after that it puts Adie at risk for haemorrhaging and infection but in my experience it’s better psychologically to start things as soon as possible. The longer we wait, the more time she has to convince herself that this isn’t real, the longer we wait the harder it is going to be for her and you to say goodbye,” she told him.

Nick nodded slowly, his eyes focusing on his shoes as he felt the tears begin to fall, he apologised quickly when they first one slid down his cheek.

“Don’t apologise, is there someone I can call for you?” She asked as she handed him a tissue but Nick shook his head no. “Do you have any questions?”

“How long will it take?”

“To deliver?” She asked and he nodded, “It’s difficult to say but for a first pregnancy it could be anywhere from four to sixteen hours.”

“You can’t give her a c-section?” He asked.

“It’s better in the long run for Adie to deliver naturally, her recovery will be shorter, and c-sections can cause problems for other pregnancies, she’d have internal scarring and scar tissue doesn’t stretch brilliantly, if she were to get pregnant again it could cause issues.”

“Do I just bring her back up here?” Nick asked.

“Yeah, I’m going to clear my other appointments for this afternoon and I’ll let reception know that you’ll be coming back up at some point, but if you want to go home and pack her a bag then feel free to do that. My numbers on here,” she said as she handed him a card. “If you have any problems call me, if you want me to come and speak to Adie when you find her then I will.”

“Thank you.”

“Take your time, don’t rush her.”

Nick made his way out of the office but instead of turning right to where the stairs and elevators were, he headed left and made his way into the bathrooms. He made is way into one of the stalls quickly, locking the door behind him he was thankful that the room was empty. The tears were falling before he even managed to sit down, he closed his eyes and covered his face in his hands as he let them fall, trying in vain to quiet the sobs escaping his lips in case someone did walk in.

He just didn’t understand why it had happened. Adie had done everything right, Molly had been doing so well at all their other check ups, she had been kicking so much yesterday, he remembered how sick Adie had been feeling because of all the turning she had been doing. He remembered watching in amazement as one side of Adie’s stomach would go completely flat whilst the other bulged when Molly would move, he had been sure that the skin would rip and out she would come like some scene from Alien. So how could something that had been so active and full of life only yesterday be dead only twenty four hours later? It just didn’t make any sense and like Adie, he had first thought that the Doctor had been wrong, but no one would deliver news like that unless they were absolutely sure. Now all he had to do was convince Adie of that.

He managed to calm his breathing before he blew his nose into a piece of the toilet paper. He let himself out of the stall and splashed his face with cold water, trying to clear his face of the evidence that he had been crying before he walked out of the bathroom to the place where he knew she would be.

The ER remained packed, it actually looked even busier then it had half an hour previously. Nick knew this would be the first place she would head, it was familiar, it was normal, here she could focus on other people’s problems rather then her own, here she could still pretend that everything was okay. He scanned the admissions desk but there was no sign of her, in fact there was no sign of anyone that he knew and so he hung back until he spotted Chelle with a patient. He made his way over to her slowly, tapping her on the shoulder gently to get her attention.

“What are you still doing here?” She asked.

“I need to see Adie,” he said softly.

“Are you okay?” She asked obviously noting his sombre mood and red rimmed eyes.

“No I’m not, can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” she said worriedly before she turned to her patient, “Mr Jacobs I’ll be right back but if you could slip into this gown that would be really great.”

She lead Nick into one of the private consultation rooms, making sure to close the door behind her and close the blinds before asking, “What’s going on?”

“Is she here?” He asked.

Chelle nodded, “Yeah, she’s in with a kid helping max fax suture, you guys had a fight or something?”

“How did she seem?” Nick asked.

“She’s was a little off but she’s been a little off all day, she’s tired and pregnant,” Chelle laughed, a frown soon covering her face when Nick dropped his head to the floor and began to cry. “What? Nick what’s going on?” She asked concerned.

“The baby’s dead,” he said quietly his face not looking up from the ground.

 “What?” Chelle asked shocked.

“They did a sonogram and couldn’t…there was no heartbeat, she died.”

“Nick I am so sorry,” Chelle told him as she wrapped her arm around him in a hug. “Did she freak?”

“She was upset but I thought she accepted it because she sat when the doctor wanted to speak to us. It was when she started to discuss delivering the baby and what happens now that she got up and left, she said she didn’t believe the doctor, that she was wrong,” He told her as he pulled away from the hug.

“And then she came back here,” Chelle finished for him. “She seemed….she came back down and I filled her in about what had happened with her patients, she seemed kind of quiet but I just figured she was tired. Her eyes were slightly red and puffy but she’s cried at every sonogram. She told me she was fine, that Molly was fine.”

“Well she’s not and I have no idea how I’m going to convince her to go back upstairs,” he sighed as he wiped at his eyes.

“Do you want me to talk to her?” Chelle asked.

“I think I’m definitely going to need your help.”

“Of course. I uh…” she hesitated, “I’m going to have to tell Mike, he’s the charge nurse today. He needs to know.”

“Yeah” Nick agreed, “We might need him too.”

***

“You are so brave Isabelle,” Adie praised as she held the little girls head still whilst the Resident sutured the deep cut to her cheek. “Do you like stickers?”

“Uh huh.” “Well I think you definitely deserve one after this because you have been such a good girl.” She smiled down at the small girl, wondering if Molly would ever sit this still if she was required to or whether she would be a little hellion like a lot of patients Adie had treated had been like in the past. If what she had just been told was true then Adie would never get the chance to know, she would never know what her favourite Disney character would be, whether she would be like Nick and not like strawberries, she would never get to learn her favourite colour, her favourite song, her favourite TV programme, that was why it had to be wrong. She sniffed back a few tears making the Resident look up to her.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Hay fever, just been outside before this,” she lied with a smile as she looked to him. He smiled in understanding and dipped his head again to concentrate on the task at hand and that was when Adie saw Nick leant against the admit desk watching her. She turned her head, smiling down at the child brightly, knowing that when the door opened she was going to have to face something that she just wanted to run away from.

She heard it squeak sooner then she had wanted and when she heard Mike call her name, she just wanted to ignore him but she didn’t, she just looked to him with a smile.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” He asked.

“I’m a bit busy at the moment Mike,” she said nodding to the child’s head she was holding.

“It’s important,” He told her.

“We’re all done here anyway,” The Resident from Max fax piped up as he applied the dressing over the sutures, as he began to give verbal instructions to Isabelle’s Mother.

“Can I have my sticker now?” Isabelle asked.

“Of course sweetie,” Adie smiled as she tore off the apron and gloves she had been wearing, she deposited them in the bin before she washed her hands. She made her way past Mike, her head turned in the opposite direction the whole time. She didn’t look at Nick when she had to walk past him to get to the desk, she even moved her body when he leant out to reach for her arm.

“Adie?” Chelle asked from behind her when she opened the drawer that contained the stickers only to find it empty.

“Whose moved the stickers?” She asked.

“Adie I’m so sorry,” Chelle offered. She turned and looked at her best friend, not missing how Nick had moved in to trap her exit from the desk.

“Did you move them?” She asked Chelle as she slammed the drawer shut before opening the one below. When they weren’t visible in that one she slammed it shut and knelt down to open the other drawer.

Nick watched her, realising quickly that her resolve was slipping, he couldn’t see her face but he knew that she was crying silent tears, he knew from the way she had avoided him that she realised that this was all real, that this was actually happening. He also knew that she wouldn’t give in until she was ready, no matter how hard you pushed and that was why he just stood back and watched, ready to catch her when she would finally break. Her tirade over the missing stickers continued.

“I wish people would just leave the things for peads alone, they go in the fucking top drawer!” She exclaimed loudly.

“Adie what are you doing?” Mike asked as he stood beside Nick.

“Trying to find the stickers. You need to bring this up at the next staff meeting Mike. I promise a child a sticker for being good and then I have to go in there and tell her that she can’t have one,” she said her breathing becoming erratic as more tears started to fall. Nick bit his lip to stop his own tears from falling, knowing her break was imminent.

“Adie,” Chelle tried again.

“She deserves a sticker, she was so brave, I promised her, she was so brave, she was so brave,” she repeated before she slumped to the floor her hands covering her face as she sobbed into them. Nick was quickly by her side, he sat down against the chest of drawers just beneath the desk and held her as she cried, rocking her back and forth.

“It’s okay,” he whispered.

“She’s gone,” Adie sobbed, “I don’t want her to be gone.”

“I know, but she is and we have to say goodbye.”

***

It had taken almost half an hour to console Adie to the point where she could actually be moved from the floor of the admission area of the ER and even then they had only been able to move her to the staff room within the same department. She had slumped against the uncomfortable, thread bare couch and that was where she had stayed, her knuckles white as she held Nick’s hand so tightly in hers. She didn’t say a word as Nick, Chelle and Mike discussed things around her, all she did was stare at her own reflection in the glass of the door that led out of the room. All she focused on was the shape of her tummy, all she concentrated on was trying to feel the slightest bit of movement from within it. But it never came.

Nick watched her out of the corner of his eye as he spoke with Mike and Chelle, he knew she wasn’t paying any attention to what was going on around her, she looked as if she was almost in a trance, trapped in her own world and he wondered what was going through her mind at that point. At that point in time he was scared, scared about the thoughts running through her mind, scared about the awful hours they were sure to endure, but most of all he was scared about the long term effects that this situation would not only have on her but on their relationship. How on earth were they going to get though it and come out whole on the other side? Was this just another way of fate telling them that they were not meant to be together? He couldn’t think about that, all he needed to concentrate on was what was happening at that precise moment and he knew that he needed to get her upstairs.

“Do you want me to call upstairs and let them know you are on the way?” Mike offered.

Nick finally broke his gaze from Adie as he replied, “I think we’re going to go home first, get some stuff.”

“I can’t go home,” he heard Adie whisper from beside him.

“Huh sweetie?” He asked.

“I said I can’t go home,” she repeated, her eyes still fixed on the door.

“You need some clothes sugar puff.”

“If I go home I’m not going to come back,” she admitted softly.

“Then I’ll go by myself,” he told her.

“No,” she said panicked her head turning to him quickly. “No don’t leave me.”

“Okay I won’t, I won’t go anywhere,” he told her before placing a soft kiss to her forehead.

“How about I go get you some stuff?” Chelle offered before turning to Mike to ask if it was okay that she leave considering she was still working.

“It’s fine.”

It had taken a further hour for them pair to make their way up to the OBGYN floor. Every so often Adie would say that she was ready, that maybe they should start heading up there but every time she failed to move and every time Nick just nodded in agreement but continued to sit beside her. He wasn’t ready to go just like she wasn’t but he knew he was going to have to be the one to move, then he knew she would follow, he was going to have to be the strong one throughout this whole ordeal, even though he wanted nothing more then to hide in a dark room and never come out.

She wouldn’t meet his eyes, not even when they were sat face to face as he held both of her hands in his whilst the anaesthesiologist administered her epidural. He wanted to say something but words escaped him, after all what could he say to make her feel better? He knew anything anyone tried to say to him wouldn’t work.

“Okay Adie, the local is in so all you should feel is some pressure as the epidural goes in okay?” He asked.

“Okay,” she nodded.

“I just need you to bend forward slightly so your back is nice and round.”

She did as he asked, her eyes closing as she waited for him to continue and Nick didn’t miss the slight wince that crossed her face when the needle punctured her skin. He squeezed her hands tightly in support.

“You okay?” He whispered and she nodded that she was.

“Okay that should start to kick in shortly. If you feel it’s not strong enough or you start to get tingling in your arms or hands have Dr McManus page me okay?” He said as he tore the gloves from his hands.

“Okay,” she mumbled as she made herself comfortable in the bed, her back resting against the mountain of pillows behind her. Nick watched as he left, hating how cold and sterile the room felt when they were left alone in the silence that seemed to engulf them. He turned his gaze back to her but she was just staring aimlessly out of the window, they couldn’t spend the next however many hours it was like they were now but he had no idea what he could do. All he wanted to do was run out of the door and never come back but he couldn’t leave her to deal with this awful situation herself.

“You want me to call your Mom?” He asked. Having Izzy with them would be good, a buffer almost, she would know what to do, what to say. She would be someone who could stay with Adie if Nick needed to get away, even if was just for a few moments because he knew there were going to be periods through this ordeal that he was going to find so hard. Adie didn’t need to support him through this, she had enough going on, he had to be strong for her, he could break down on his own.

“No” she answered sternly, “I don’t want anybody to know.”

“They’re going to find out eventually,” he reminded.

“I know that,” she bit back. “I just…they’ll only come now and I…this is hard enough…please don’t call them.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “Will you be okay if I run to the bathroom real quick?”

“Yeah,” she said as she let go of his hand so he could go.

“I’ll be right back,” he said as he made his way out of the room, almost immediately bumping in to Dr McManus.

“Did she get her epidural?” She asked.

“Yeah.”

“I was just about to go in and give her the pitocin.”

“Can you wait till I get back?” He asked.

“Sure. Have you called anyone?” She asked.

“She doesn’t want her parents to know, not yet anyway,” he told her.

“What about your parents?” She asked softly.

“I uh…they’re not local and uh to be honest I…we don’t speak,” he stumbled.

“It’s really important that you have some support Nick.”

“I’m here for her,” he said.

“I’m not talking about Adie. You may be all the support she needs but you’ve just lost a child too, you need some support too. If there is anyone you trust, anyone who you know who could support you, they don’t have to come here, they can just be on the phone but please don’t think you have to be strong. I’ll come back in about twenty minutes okay?”

“Okay,” he nodded.

 “Think about what I said,” she said as she walked in the opposite direction.

He knew the Doctor was right, he knew he needed someone and so he dug around in his pocket for his cell phone. He walked into a small alcove that held a few vending machines and flipped through his contacts. His first though had been to call Alex, after all he was the nearest geographically but that then raised the issue of going back on what he said to Adie. There was no way Alex would be able to keep it from Rachel and in turn he knew Rachel, thinking she would be doing the best thing for Adie, would then tell their parents. There was no way in hell Izzy and Stuart Jones would let the pair go through the situation alone and even though Nick wanted nothing more then for them to both be there, he knew he couldn’t do that to Adie.

He found the number of the person who he had been able to rely on for years, the number of a person who he would trust with his life and quickly hit the call button, sucking in a deep breath when he answered.

“It’s Nick, I really need you.”