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Molly is born and Nick and Adie start to fall apart

Nick stared at the choices of soda before him it shouldn’t have been that hard to choose but yet he couldn’t decide, the sign for the can of coke becoming a blur the more he stood there and stared at it. He punched the first button that his fist came into contact with but instead of retrieving the can from the bottom of the machine he left it there and walked away. He couldn’t say why he stopped where he did, maybe it was just to punish himself but for what he didn’t know. He stared down at the newborns in front of him, some wrapped in pink, others in blue wanting so desperately to see a name tag that said Carter, that name tag was above the bassinet that was in Adie’s room though and he knew that on the small table on the opposite side of the room was both a birth certificate and a death certificate.

He placed a palm against the window that separated him from the nursery and just stared ahead at all the perfect tiny babies that were held within. He wanted to know why. Why were all these babies alive and not Molly? Why did he and Adie have to be put through this? Why were they going to have to bury their daughter?

“Nick?” He heard the voice from behind him but he didn’t turn, he couldn’t take his eyes off the newborn baby girl in front of him, what he wouldn’t have given for it to be Molly.

“Sweetie?” He heard a softer voice ask, “What are you doing here?”

He still didn’t move or speak, instead he offered up a small shrug. He didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t know how he managed to get through the past eight hours like he had, and he didn’t know how he could go back into the small room and face Adie. He didn’t protest when he was pulled into a hug, instead he wrapped his arms around Kevin’s middle and sobbed into his shoulder.

He wasn’t sure how long they had stood there for but eventually he let himself be led along the corridor, his hand wrapped in Kristin’s as she made him sit down. He felt her sit beside him, her hand never leaving his and although his eyes were peeled to his feet he knew Kevin was sat opposite on him, perched on the small table.

“I didn’t know who else to call, sorry to drag you all the way down here,” he mumbled. He felt Kristin’s free hand grip his chin lightly as she moved his head up, making him look at her concerned eyes.

“Don’t you dare apologise Nick,” she told him sternly.

“You know you can call us day or night for anything Nick,” Kevin told him making Nick nod in agreement. “Has…has she been born?” Kevin asked hesitantly. Nick only nodded as he fell into the crook of Kristin’s shoulder, his silent tears falling whilst he thought back on the previous few hours.

It was wrong, all so wrong Nick thought to himself as he held her hand and encouraged her to push one last time. He wanted to be anywhere but where he was at that precise moment, it was taking so much energy to keep his legs from walking towards the door but no matter how hard he knew it felt for him it must have been a million times worse for Adie. The past six hours had dragged by excruciatingly slow, the silence between them suffocating but whenever he opened his mouth to try and say something words failed him. He had been so glad when she had fallen asleep for a few hours, at least she managed to escape their awful reality even if it had been short lived. Nick watched her, her whole face turning red as she pushed with all of her might but he knew the tears that were falling silently from her face were not caused by any physical pain that she might have been feeling, it was from all the emotional pain crushing her heart.

“She’s out Adie,” Dr McManus softly said. “Would you like to hold her?”

Adie fell back against the pillows, her head turning immediately towards the window. She shook her head as she choked out a “No.”

He wiped his own eyes as he helplessly watched the Doctor cut the umbilical chord and hand the small lifeless body to the nurse. He looked to Adie, her face still turned from his but he could tell by the way her shoulders were shaking that she was crying yet still he couldn’t think of anything to say to her, so instead he bought the hand he still had clasped in his to his lips and placed a small kiss to it. He kept hoping that any minute a piercing cry of a newborn would fill the room, that she would wake up and be fine, that Molly would prove the Doctors wrong but he finally accepted the truth when more then five minutes had passed. He wanted to go to her, to see her, he wanted to know if she looked like Adie or like him, he wanted to see the tiny hands and feet that had poked him through the skin of Adie’s stomach. He was torn because he didn’t want to leave Adie’s side, he didn’t want to cause her more pain by bringing the subject up. She must have sensed his dilemma because he felt her pull her hand out of his, he looked to her questioningly but her face was still in the opposite direction and he knew it was her way of letting him know he could go to Molly if he wanted to.

He took a shaky breath and pushed himself up from the seat that he had occupied before he slowly made his way over to the bassinette. He peered down and looked at the tiny face peeking out from beneath the blankets. She was tiny, so small that Nick was sure she would have fitted easily within the palm of one of his hands, she looked as if she was sleeping, the only giveaway that she wasn’t was the blue tinge around her lips. Her features were tiny, tiny but perfect, she reminded Nick of the doll Angel always used to carry around with her, the one question he had been wanting to know all along finally answered, she had taken after Adie, dark hair covering her small head.

“Does she have a name?” The nurse asked softly.

He nodded, answering, “Molly. Just Molly.”

He stroked a finger down the side of her cheek, the coolness of her skin making his heart break that bit more. She was his daughter, he was supposed to protect her, to teach her how to ride a bike without training wheels, to scare the monsters that hid in the closet away. He would never be able to do that.

“I uh…I need to get back to her,” Nick said as he pulled away from Kristin.

“I can go and sit with her for a while,” Kevin offered.

“NO,” Nick said quickly, “No she doesn’t know you’re here, she doesn’t…she didn’t want anybody to know, not yet.”

“Do you want us to hang around? Do you want us to call anybody?” Kristin offered.

“No you guys should go,” Nick said as he wiped his hands down his face in an effort to try and wake himself up some more, “Where’s Mason anyway?”

“With my Mom,” Kevin told him.

Nick nodded as he dug around in his pants pocket, pulling his key chain out he handed the house key to Kevin, “Take my key, I don’t know if I’ll be back tonight or not.”

“You sure you want us to go?” Kevin asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“You call if want us to come back okay?” Kristin told him as she squeezed his hand.

“Okay.”

***

Adie could feel the pins and needles shooting down one of her legs, a sure sign that her epidural was starting to ware off, she knew what she needed to do to combat the annoying feeling and that was to move. That was the problem, moving meant laying on her back or turning onto her right side, Molly would be in her line of sight if she did that. She understood why they hadn’t just taken her straight away, it was so she and Nick could spend some time alone with her in private, so that they could meet her and then get to say goodbye but she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to have to meet her daughter only to fall in love with her before she would have to say goodbye forever and it was at that moment she wished she had refused the epidural so she could get up and walk away.

She glanced to the clock and noted that Nick had left over twenty minutes ago. He said he was going to use the bathroom, something he had done quite a lot of during the whole labour process but she knew he was lying. She hadn’t mentioned it, knowing that if she could have, she would have had as many bathroom breaks too. She was torn because she wanted nothing more then to curl up next to him, to wrap her arms so tightly around him and never let go but at the same time she didn’t want to be anywhere near him, the reminder that she had lost their baby, his baby to constant when she thought about him. Was it always going to be like that? Would she look at him and always be reminded of this day? Would she look at him and always feel the guilt tearing away at her insides like it was now? Could she bare to stay with him if they were the only emotions she would ever feel again?

She didn’t get anymore time to dwell on that thought, the sound of the door opening tearing her from her mind. Just from the hesitation she knew it was Nick, he didn’t say anything, didn’t walk round so he was in her eye line and she had clue what he was doing, he was probably just watching her, the same thoughts that had been running through her mind plaguing his.

When she heard him sniff she knew she had been wrong, when she heard him sniff back the tears Adie knew he was with Molly and she swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat hoping that it wouldn’t bubble to the surface in a sob. She wiped the tears from her cheeks, remaining silent, hoping that if she closed her eyes he would think that she was sleeping. Hoping that he would tell the next nurse that came in to take the baby away. She was sorely disappointed when he started speaking.

“They’re going to take her soon,” he stated. Adie remained silent. “You need to say goodbye Adie, you need to hold her and say goodbye,” he managed to choke out.

She didn’t move from where she was, she didn’t say anything but the small hiccup of emotion that escaped her lips was enough to let him know that she was awake, that she was listening to what he saying.

“She’s beautiful,” He continued, “She’s got your colour hair.”

“Stop it,” Adie managed to choke out.

“If you don’t say goodbye properly I think you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life. Do you want that?” He asked and she shook her head no.

“I…I don’t…I can’t say goodbye,” She cried.

“I know, I don’t want to either but we have to. Do you…I’m going to bring her over okay?” He said not giving her the choice.

Adie moved off of her side and onto her back, she pushed on the palms of her hands and moved so she was sat up, her back resting against the pillows and when she opened her eyes she immediately wanted to close them again. It shouldn’t have been the way it was, she should have been welcoming this moment, Nick should have been smiling at her through his tears, the room should have been filled with the sound of a newborns cries but instead it was quiet and cold. She wiped at her eyes before Nick gently placed the bundle of blankets in her arms it took her a moment but finally she found the strength to look down at the small baby in her arms, the sobs she had tried so hard to repress coming out so hard she was finding it hard to catch her breath. She felt Nick wrap his arms round her shoulder and she buried her head in the crook of his neck. They stayed that way for a while, neither saying anything until they were interrupted by the shrill ring of a cell phone.

“It’s mine,” Adie sniffed. Nick followed the ring, eventually finding the phone in the pocket of Adie’s scrubs that had been placed on the chair by the window.

“It’s your Mom,” he told her, then reminding, “We’re supposed to be having dinner there.” “I don’t want them coming here.” “Should I tell them?” He asked unsurely.

“I don’t care I just don’t want them coming here.” Nick slid his finger across the screen of the I phone and bought the phone to his ear, “Hi Izzy, it’s Nick. Something’s come up and we’re not going to be able to make dinner tonight.”

Adie zoned out as Nick finished the rest of the conversation her gaze drifting down towards Molly, she was so perfect, a part of each of them and yet her life had been taken before it had even begun. The only reason Adie could come up with was that she was being punished for aborting her first child but that didn’t seem fair, not for Molly anyway, she hadn’t done anything wrong but yet here she was paying for her Mother’s mistake. She hadn’t even realised the Nick was next to her again, his long finger stroking Molly’s cheek.

“We love you very much and we are never going to forget about you but you have to go and play with the angels,” He softly told her. The tenderness of his voice making Adie break into sobs again.

***

It had been an hour since Molly had been taken from them, an hour since Adie had been wheeled into smaller room on a different floor of the hospital and she didn’t know whether being away from all the new mothers with healthy babies was a blessing or not. It didn’t make her forgot what had happened to her that was sure. The sensation to the lower part of her body was starting to return but as she tried to move into a comfier position, pain shot across her lower abdomen.

“You okay?” Nick asked concerned, obviously not missing the look that had crossed her face.

“I’m fine, epidural just warring off.”

“You want me to get somebody?” He asked as he stood from the chair that he had been sitting in.

“No.”

Nick watched as her gaze fell to the TV that was playing some mind numbingly crap game show, he knew she wasn’t watching it, he knew that she was lost inside of her own head and he wanted so badly to break her out of her private prison but he just didn’t know how to. He watched her for a long time, noticing how the sparkle in her eyes that had been present only that morning had seemed to disappear, she looked exhausted yet he knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep and all he wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay, that they were going to get past this. Yet he didn’t know that for sure, because at that point in time he didn’t know what the future held for them.

There was a knock at the door before it opened and Dr McManus made her way into the room.

“I know it’s a stupid question but how are you feeling?” She asked Adie as she took a seat on the opposite side of the bed to Nick.

“I just want to know when I can go home,” Adie mumbled.

“That’s what I came to talk to you about actually. I’d like to keep in you in for a few days.”

“I feel fine, I just want to go home.”

“I’d like to run a few tests before I let you go.”

“Why?” Nick asked.

“When we examined your placenta we found some clots, I think the clots obstructed the blood flow to the baby, which obstructed the oxygen she was getting. It could indicate that you have something Hugh’s syndrome Adie. Do you know what that is?”

Nick snaked his hand into Adie’s watching as she shook her head no.

“Hughes syndrome is a clotting disorder, it’s not known why but some antibodies in your blood mistakenly think that a type of fat called phospholipids is a bacteria and it triggers an autoimmune response which causes your blood to clot.”

“So it caused clots because I was pregnant?” Adie asked.

“It doesn’t just occur when your pregnant, it’s something you are going to have had since birth but it does effect pregnancies and sometimes that’s the only way we can diagnose it because like your case you’ve had no other symptoms,” Dr McManus told the pair.

“What are the other symptoms?” Nick asked.

“Deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism, heart attacks, stroke, repeated miscarriages,” She said as she took Adie’s other hand in her own. “It’s good that we found out about this now Adie because if it is Hughes syndrome then it’s very treatable, all you would need to do is take one aspirin tablet a day.”

“So what tests do you need to do?” Nick asked.

“I just need to do a blood test-”

“Why can’t I just go home after that?” Adie asked.

“I want to check you out for D.V.T’s, you’ve done a lot of long haul travelling this past year and I just want to play it safe. We’ll get you set up for a dopler study tomorrow morning and if it’s negative then you can go home after that. Do you have any questions?” She asked

“If I’d known about this before I got pregnant…would…would she have been okay?” Adie stuttered.

“It’s likely that she would have been okay but now we know there is nothing to stop you carrying a pregnancy to term and having a healthy baby in the future. I know it’s probably the furthest thought on you remind right now but you can always try again.”

After the Doctor left the room was once again plunged into silence but Nick knew he couldn’t bare it anymore, he had to say something, even if it was the worst question in the world.

“Are you okay?”

“It’s my fault,” she mumbled. “It’s my fault, I should have known, I should realised.”

“You listen to me,” Nick told her as he stood and cupped her face between his hands, “This is not your fault, don’t blame yourself for this.”

“But it is my fault, I killed her,” she said her tears slipping making Nicks hands wet.

“No you didn’t, you didn’t know anything about this, this is not your fault,” he told her more sternly.

“You should go home,” She said as she moved her head towards the window again.

“I’m not going anywhere,” He said, trying to hold in a sigh as he sat back down.

“I want you to go.”

“Why?” He asked, knowing that this was just going to be the beginning of a very slippery slope for them.

“I want to sleep and I can’t do that with you watching my every move. I’ll call you in the morning to let you know when I need to be picked up,” she said as she moved more onto her side so that her back was facing him. He was silent for a few moments but he knew that he needed to respect her wishes, that maybe sleep would come easier for her if she was alone.

“Okay, I’ll go but if you want me to come back then just call me okay?” He said watching her nod. He leant down and placed a small kiss to the top of her head before he reminded her, “I love you.”

The nod she gave him hurt more then anything, more then having to watch her give birth, more then having lost his daughter because he knew that once again she was retreating into herself.

The difference this time was that he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be able to pull her back.

Chapter End Notes:
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