It had been nine days since Molly had been born, nine days since she passed and three days since she had been laid to rest. People had told Nick that things would get better with time, that things would get easier but he just wasn’t sure if he trusted their words. We’re they just said out of kindness? The only thing people could really say to try and offer some comfort in the dark time that he and Adie were going through? Because at that point the couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, he couldn’t believe there would be a point where they could ever get back to where they were before and that was what scared him more then anything, that Molly’s death would be the death of their relationship. He didn’t want that, he loved Adie too much to let her slip away but he also knew that no matter how hard he clung to her, if she wanted to pull away there would be no stopping her.

She had started to pull away the night she asked him to leave the hospital and since then things had just gotten worse. He wasn’t sure what happened in the twelve hours he wasn’t by her side but it was almost as if they Adie he knew disappeared, she turned into the shell of the person who he remembered. Her answers were short and curt, when he leant in to kiss her she moved so his lips could only connect with her cheek, she crossed her arms over her chest as they walked out of the hospital so he couldn’t hold her hand, she even flinched when he placed his hand to the small of her back protectively. He had hoped that once the funeral had taken place that she might have started to open up more, that it would have given her some sort of closure but in reality all it did was make things worse.

She almost hadn’t turned up.

The morning of the funeral she woken up and headed towards the bathroom, he heard the water running signifying that the tub was being filled and made a mental note to keep and eye on the time, knowing how easily time seemed to drift away from her when she reclined in the warm water. He knocked on the door at ten thirty to remind her that they needed to leave in an hours time and again thirty minutes later when she still had not emerged. He sat and waited on the bed but he didn’t expect what happened after that. She opened the door and instead of being dressed in the outfit her Mother helped her pick out the day before she was back in her P.J’s. He had asked her why she wasn’t dressed her only reply being that she wasn’t going. He didn’t try and coax her, didn’t say another word, he couldn’t deal with it right then, he couldn’t deal with arguing with her before he was going to have to say a final goodbye to his daughter so he just got up and left the room.

Once Rachel had found out about her sisters behaviour she had gone up to try and see if she could convince Adie to come down but she too returned only five minutes later unsuccessful in her attempt. Izzy was next and Nick didn’t miss the flash of determination in her eyes, it was the same one Adie got when she was certain to succeed at something. It amazed him how two people could be so alike, it was like he was getting a chance to see how Adie was going to be in thirty years, because at the rate things were going he knew he probably wouldn’t be there to see it for himself. Izzy also lost her temper as quickly as Adie did and when Nick went to retrieve his shoes from the bottom of the stairs he could hear Izzy’s shrill voice telling her daughter exactly what she thought of her behaviour. What was more concerning was the not once did he hear Adie try and defend herself, it wasn’t like her at all because if she was backed into a corner, if someone was screaming at her she would scream back louder to get her point across, very rarely did she ever just sit there and take it. Izzy had returned a few moments later but Adie was nowhere in sight, she had taken Nick’s hand in her own and shook her head solemnly, all he could do was sigh as she led him towards the front door of the house. He shared a look with Stuart who immediately understood his request but that almost caused another argument when Izzy didn’t agree with him staying behind.

“So your not going to say goodbye to your granddaughter either?” She had hissed.

“No Isabelle my daughter needs me,” He had told her sternly as he walked towards the stairs of the house.

Izzy didn’t argue any further, she just squeezed Nick’s hand as Angel wrapped her arm around his waist from the other side. Nick had sat in the back of the car not really hearing anything that was going on around him, not really caring. All he wanted was to feel Adie’s hand in his rather then Izzy’s, all he wanted to do was to look to his left and see Adie sitting beside him rather then Kristin. He knew she was hurting, he knew how upsetting this day was going to be because he was also going through it, the same emotions she was feeling were wracking his own body, if he could he would avoided this day at all costs too. But that was the difference right there, instead of running from his problems, he faced them head on, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy but it was something he knew he had to do because if he had just stayed in bed like Adie was he knew eventually he would regret not saying goodbye properly, he knew it would eat at him for the rest of his life. There was no way she was going to be able to live with that guilt when she realised what a mistake she had made, after all look at how the guilt of the abortion had effected her.

The day had been bright and warm, not a cloud in the sky as the group of people in black made their way towards the cemetery, the mass of balloons trying to escape from each of their hands. That had been Nick’s idea, hell all the planning had been down to him, because if he had waited for Adie he knew the day would never have arrived. Flowers just seemed to old, he didn’t like the idea of spelling Molly’s name out in roses, after all what child, what baby would get delight from flowers, would smile when they saw them? But how many children adored helium balloons? He gripped his own in his hand tightly as they came to a stop in front of the tiny lilac coffin, he reached out and lightly brushed his fingertips over the top, wishing that he was gently stroking Molly’s cheek to clam her, he didn’t want to believe that his baby girl was lying in it motionless.

He stood as the service started but in all honesty he wasn’t really listening, he just wanted this to all be over, he wanted to fast forward a year of his life because at least by then he would know what was in store for him, he would know if it was going to get easier, he would know if he and Adie were going to make it.

He felt Izzy let go of his hand and when he looked to his right he realised why. He could only make out of the top of her head as she stared out in front of her but it was definitely Adie. He snaked his hand into hers, relieved when she didn’t pull away from him but surprised when she actually squeezed it in recognition, he squeezed back when her grip released slightly, a half smile crossing his lips when he looked to Stuart who held her other hand, the helium balloon she was holding occasionally hitting him in the head. He then turned his head forward and concentrated on saying goodbye to Molly.

It hadn’t been a very long service and by the time most people had started to make their way back to the house most of the helium balloons that had been released were out of sight but two remained on the ground. One was a bright pink star, the other a bright purple one, the balloons Nick and Adie had chosen, one of the only decisions Adie had been apart of, neither could bare to let the balloons go and so they had decided that they would stay behind with Molly. Nick had watched Adie out of the corner of his eye as people relayed their condolences to him and to her, she managed to thank and hug a few people before it all got too much and she had headed off for a walk with her Dad. Nick had found the pair when everyone else had left, he had heard her before he saw them, her sobs enough to cut threw his heart and make it break that much more. He had quickly taken over the role of Stuart, wrapping his arms around her protectively as he held her and rocked her slowly, not shedding the tears of his own because he knew he needed to be strong for her.

That had been the last time he saw her cry. In the past seventy two hours she had not shed a single tear and to some people that would have been a good sign, maybe she had gotten closure, maybe she was starting to accept it and move on but Nick knew differently, she was closing off from it, from everything and she was nowhere near over it. She had come back from the cemetery and made her way straight up to their room, he thought she was just going for a quick lie down, half an hour for which to gather herself but when more then an hour had past, when people started making their way home and she still had not made her way back down he had gone up to the first floor to investigate. He found her in her P.J’s in bed watching some stupid TV show, not that she was watching it, just staring at the TV he wasn’t even sure if she realised it was muted. She had been that way ever since, not coming out of the bedroom unless she really had to, she didn’t even say goodbye to Kevin and Kristin when they had left the previous day and he knew the same was going to happen when Angel and Aaron were due to leave the following day. They all said they understood that they didn’t take it personally, that she was obviously going through hell but so was he and he was still able to thank them for being there, thank them for their support. She needed some help, she needed to talk about it but he knew she wasn’t going to listen to a word he said and so he bought it up with her parents, Alex and Rachel the following day.

“I just…I don’t know what to do to help her. She wants to be left alone but it’s not good for her,” Nick said as he sat at the island in the kitchen, wondering if she had even managed to get out of the bed she was in that day.

“Has she cried yet?” Izzy asked. “It’s not like her to…when Jackson died she cried for days and he was just a dog.”

“This is a bit different Mom,” Rachel interjected.

“I know it is but all I’m saying is I don’t understand why she hasn’t cried since the funeral, there is no way she is fine like she’s saying she is, if she was fine she wouldn’t be hiding out in her room.”

“Have you tried talking to her about it?” Alex asked Nick as he bounced Max on his knee, a sight Nick was finding difficult to deal with. Was it wrong to be that jealous? Was it wrong to wish the tables were reversed and that he was the one bouncing a baby on his knee? Did he just really think that? Did he just wish that it was Rachel and Alex going through what he and Adie were? What kind of horrible person was he? He looked down to the coffee cup in his hands in silent shame before he answered.

“She doesn’t talk to me. The last time we had a proper conversation was before…” he hesitated, “It was in the elevator before we found out. It’s just one word answers, or looks, if I didn’t ask her things I don’t think she would make any sound at all.”

“She needs to talk about it, she needs…”

“WHAT DO I NEED RACH? ALL OF YOU FOR THAT MATTER, HUH? WHAT IS IT THAT I SO DESPRETELY NEED CAUSE I TELL YOU IT’S NOT THE LOOKS OF SYMPATHY, THE FUCKING FLOWERS OR ANYTHING ELSE!”

The yelling startled not only him but everyone else, it was so loud that Max started wailing and knowing that it wasn’t likely to stop Alex took it as a cue to walk out of the French doors and into the back yard to try and comfort his son. Nick looked away guilty, he hadn’t expected her to come down, he hadn’t expected her to overhear their conversation, he hadn’t wanted to hurt her or make her angry. All he wanted to do was help her.

“I can’t believe this,” She hissed as she looked around the room. She was angry, the only other time Nick remembered seeing her as angry as she was when she found him counting her pill in London. Her sweats hung from her decreasing waist line, the baggy black t-shirt hung loosely from her, her hair was wild from where it hadn’t been brushed in a few days.

“Sugar pu-"He tried but she cut him off quickly, her eyes filled with rage and he didn’t know whether he was happy to see that or not, at least it was better then them looking empty.

“Don’t Nick, I am sick of your little meetings where you discuss how I should be feeling and when I should grieve. It’s none of your god damned business.”

“We just want to help you,” Her Father told her.

“I don’t need your help!”

“Really? You could have fooled me,” Rachel added sarcastically, receiving glares from both Izzy and Stuart. Rachel had always been that way as long as Nick had known her, her way of dealing with confrontation was to use sarcasm, she would state the obvious as a way of trying to defend herself, maybe that was why her and Alex were so well suited, because he did it too.

“I don’t need anyone’s help, especially yours,” Adie repeated again, her eyes zeroing in on Rachel as she spoke her last words and it was then Nick knew it was about to get really ugly.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Rachel questioned.

“I hate you,” Adie spat.

“Adrianna,” Her Mother said, appalled by her youngest’s words to her sister.

“No Mom let her finish,” Rachel said calmly. Nick had never felt so uncomfortable in his life, he wanted nothing more then to be in the backyard with Alex and Max and when he looked to the doors to see if a possible escape could be easily made he spotted Alex stood in the doorway, Adie’s hateful words obviously catching his attention.

“Why do you get it all? Why do you get to have the perfect life with the husband and the baby? You’re nothing but a screw up, you flunked out of high school, had dead end job after dead end job, you haven’t worked a day since you met Alex, yet you get everything. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. I made something of myself, I got a decent job, I help people and yet what did I get in return for it? Someone who doesn’t love me enough to marry me, a baby whose lying dead in the ground somewhere,” she said quickly, her breath coming out ragged.

“So that’s all my fault?!” Rachel yelled back, “It’s my fault you and Nick aren’t married and it’s my fault that Molly died?”

“You never gave a shit about anyone but yourself Rachel, you always put yourself first.”

“Oh and you are supposed to be little Miss Perfect are you?” Rachel hissed as she remained seated at the stool next to the breakfast bar. Her back had straightend a sure sign she was ready to defend herself at all costs if she needed to.

“I’m a hell of a lot better then you,” Adie replied.

“Adie,” Alex tried to interject in an attempt to defend his wife.

Rachel quickly whipped round in her chair silencing him, “No Alex I want to hear what little Miss Sunshine and Light has to say about me. Apparently my life is perfect even if I am a low life, un-educated, gold digger.”

“Well what have you done with your life?” Adie questioned.

“Just because you went to college and got a decent job doesn’t make you perfect Adie, just because you did everything Mom and Dad asked of you doesn’t make you better then me, it makes you spineless.” Rachel retaliated.

“Spineless?” Adie questioned.

“Yeah because instead of standing up for what you believed in, for what you wanted to do you followed their rules, their wishes because you knew if you did that then they would see you as the achiever, they would be proud of you and not me, hell I bet you believed they would even love you more then me if you did everything. That’s why they don’t know you were engaded to Mark isn’t it?” Rachel said, her eyes narrowing when Adie’s eyes seemed to bulge.

“What?” Izzy asked, the shock registering in her voice as she looked from Rachel to Adie.

“Don’t worry Mom it didn’t last very long because there is something Little Miss Perfect over there never told you.”

“Don’t Rachel,” Nick tried but when she continued his gaze fell to his lap.

“She’s trained to save children’s lives but instead she choose to kill her own by having an abortion,” Rachel said before she turned back to Adie, “There now you can join me in the group of lowlifes.”

By the time Nick looked up again Adie was gone, and he winced when he heard the bedroom door slam shut. The room had plunged into an awkward silence after Rachel’s outing of Adie’s past history and Nick just wanted the ground to open up and eat him whole. Alex was the first to speak as he walked into the room with Max nestled in his arms.

“I can’t believe you did that,” he said to Rachel.

“So it’s okay for her to verbally degrade me and make me feel like I’m worthless but when I give her a taste of her own medicine I’m wrong,” Rachel hissed back but Nick didn’t miss the tears in her eyes, Adie’s words had truly got to her.

“I’m not saying that, you had every right to defend yourself but that wasn’t your information to share with everyone Rach.”

“Well I obviously don't know what the correct decorum is in these types of situations you know, being an illiterate low life and all,” she said as she grabbed her purse before she got down from the stool she had been sat in.

“Babe,” Alex tried with a sigh.

“There are two bottles in the fridge for Max at home, I’ll be back for the feed after those,” She told him as she wiped the tear that fell.

“Rachel,” her Mom tried.

“See you later Nick,” She said as she placed a small kiss to his cheek.

***

It hadn’t taken long for Alex to leave after Rachel made her exit, after all Max had needed to be fed within the hour and the little boy made it quite known that he was getting hungry. Izzy and Stuart had hung around for a bit longer, it had been an awkward hour where Nick was asked about the details of the abortion and even though he knew it wasn’t his information to share he told them anyway. Izzy had been shocked that she hadn’t found out sooner, that Adie hadn’t felt she could have confided in her own Mother. Stuart had just sat quietly and listened to the details, finally excusing himself after ten minutes to go and check on Adie. He had returned not two minutes later when acess to the bedroom had been an issue, apparently Adie had taken it upon herself to lock the door.

He watched as they pulled out of the driveway and once they were out of sight Nick closed the door and looked to the stairs. He knew she was embarrassed, he knew that she liked to be alone when she was embarrassed but at that point Nick didn’t care what she wanted. she had some explaining to do. There had been absolutely no need for her to talk to Rachel in the manner that she had and to say those spiteful things were beyond unnecessary. Sure she was hurting, sure she was upset but it did not give her the right to speak to anybody like that no matter how true it possibly was. He was sick of her mood, of her arrogance, she seemed to have tunnel vision that was only focused on her own internal pain, well he was hurting too not that she seemed to care.

He reached the bedroom door but when he tried to turn the handle he found it remained locked. He knocked loudly, his anger finally bubbling to the surface.

“Open the door Adie,” He said, ready for a fight and that was why he was so shocked when he heard the lock click from the other side almost immediately. She stood opposite him, her face blank of any emotion, blank of any remorse she should have felt from the awful things she had just said to her sister.

“What do you want?” She asked.

“I want to know what the hell just happened down there.”

“It’s called an argument Nick.” Adie could be as sarcastic as Rachel when she wanted to be. “An argument that only happened because of your stupid little secret meeting about me.”

“It wasn’t a secret meeting,” he told her.

“Well I wasn’t there was I? You were all talking about me and I wasn’t there.”

“We’re worried about you, we were trying to help you,” he answered back as he walked into the room.

“Well I don’t need or want your help,” she told him her hands on her hips.

“Fine. Okay,” he said as he held up his hands in exasperation, “We were wrong to talk about you, to bother with caring about you but you had no right to say the things you said to her. Just because you are jealous-”

She cut in, “I’m not the only one whose jealous, I saw the way you were looking at Alex with Max.”

“You want me to admit to it? You want me to tall you that I am so jealous of Alex and Rachel having that beautiful baby when we can’t have ours, that I wished it was them instead of us? Because fine I will. I am jealous as hell but I don’t go round verbalising it, I don’t go round telling Alex that he doesn’t deserve to be a Father, so why do you feel that you can?” He hissed.

“Because Rachel doesn’t deserve it, she’s done nothing with her life, she’s a drop out and-”

It was Nick’s turn to cut in, “I never finished high school, I’m a drop out too remember. So maybe that’s why we’re here, maybe I don’t deserve to have a child, maybe I would screw them up so badly after having my parents as role models that it’s not worth it.”

“Don’t make this about you,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“But this is about me, I know you seemed to have forgotten but I am part of this relationship too, Molly was my daughter too, I lost her too,” he reminded.

“Yeah you sure seem upset about it,” she said quietly her eyes diverting to the floor.

“You don’t think I’m upset about it?” He questioned, unsure of whether her head heard her correctly. How could she think that?

“It’s always a double standard with you Nick, you have your little meeting with my family about when and where I’m supposed to grieve but have you? You haven’t cried, you haven’t shared with me how you felt, how you feel, you’re such a fucking hypocrite,” she harshly told him.

“Have you not asked yourself why I have been like that? If you want to know how I’m feeling all you have to do is ask but you haven’t spoken more then two words to me since we left the hospital. All you had to do was ask me.”

“Yeah and I suppose you would have been as open as you were with your family and all those issues,” she sarcastically laughed and he had to give that one to her because she did have a point.

“Just ask Adie,” he stated plainly.

She stared him out for a minute before a sigh escaped her lips and she asked, “How do you feel?”

“I’m devastated, I hate that this happened to us, I hate that when everything seems to be going right something always comes along to tear it all away. I wake up in the morning and hope that it was all some bad dream, I wake up hoping to feel her kick when I poke your tummy like I used to,” he told her honestly as he wiped at his eyes.

“But this is real and this has happened and I might act like it’s not effecting me as much as it really is but trust me I’ve cried Adie, I’ve cried everyday since this had happened, but I don’t do it in front of you because I know that no matter how hard this is for me it has to be a million times worse for you. Watching you have to…I have never felt so helpless in my whole life, all I wanted to do was take you away from there, runaway with you and not believe what they were saying and I couldn’t. But I could be strong for you, that was the one thing I could do, you didn’t need to see me breakdown and get upset, you didn’t need to support me through it because you already had enough to deal with. We lost a child Adie and it was horrible but the world carries on and we have to go right along with it. Maybe it would help if you talked about it to someone,” he said reaching out to rub his hand down her arm but she pulled away.

“I don’t want to go to the therapy sessions where someone tells me that it’s okay to grieve, to be upset, that it will get better with time if I talk about it. It’s all bullshit, how is talking about it, rehashing it all going to make me feel better, help me find closure?” She asked as she purposely moved out of the way of his reach.

“I don’t know Adie but ignoring it doesn’t seem to be working either does it?” He replied, the sadness ebbing once again into anger at her behaviour. Her next words making a small sarcastic chuckle escape his lips.

“I don’t know whether I want to be with you anymore.”

“Reverted back to your old self have you? Running when things get too hard?” He asked knowing that was exactly what she was doing.

“My life was so much easier before I met you,” She told him and he didn’t miss how soft her voice had become, how she wrapped her arms around herself.

He answered her honestly, “Yeah so was mine.”

“Then why are we still doing this?” She asked.

“Because we love each other,” He said sincerely as he stepped forward and took one of her hands in his. When she didn’t pull away immediately he thought he had made her see sense, he thought that that this was all just due to the circumstances, that emotionally she was drained and not making much sense. He knew he was wrong when she looked up to him with big tears in her eyes and when she pulled hand away from his slowly, he knew he had lost her.

“I don’t think love is enough Nick, I can’t live my life like this, with everything that’s happened I think someone somewhere is telling is that we aren’t meant to be together.”

“Are you seriously ending this?” he asked the hurt evident in his voice.

She nodded unsurely, “I think I am.”

The anger resurfaced quickly, it boiled to the top and later on Nick would regret his next words, he would regret calling her bluff. He was sick of all of this, of being left in limbo, he just couldn’t take it anymore and so his eyes narrowed on hers, he straightened his back and he pointed towards the door.

“If you are going to leave do it now, because I can’t stand another moment of living like this, of not knowing what’s going on in your head.”

“Are you asking me to leave?” She asked.

“No I’m not asking you to leave, I’m asking you to make up your mind but there is the door it’s still in the same place it was when you first walked out,” He told her his tone even.

Nick watched as Adie turned her head slowly towards the bedroom door before moving it back to look at him. He didn’t expect her to leave, she was still her in Pyjamas, but that was exactly what she did, she just turned and without uttering a word she walked out of the room and out of his life.

I've been twisting and turning,

In a space that's to small,

Been drawing the lines, then watching them fall,

You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart,

Watching us fade, and watching it all fall apart.

Well I can't explain, why it's not enough cause I'd give it all to you,

And if you leave me now, just leave me now

It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender

It's been to long pretending

There's no use in trying

When the pieces don't fit here anymore

Pieces don't fit here anymore

Song Credit: James Morrison - The pieces don't fit here anymore