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Adie tells Nick that she needs some space

Adie knew that people were staring at her, she could hear their comments, hear the occasional snicker and at first she wondered why she was the subject of so much attention, that was until she looked down and realised that she was still in her Pyjama’s, the big gorilla slippers Nick had bought her as present dwarfing her feet. Not that she really cared what they thought, nothing mattered to her, nothing seemed to make sense.

How had her life come to this? Had she really just walked out on the man she was supposed to love? Had she really just thrown away the past three years of her life? Had she really repeated the same mistake she had only made three months ago? She wrapped her arms around her middle protectively as she stared out at the open water of the creek. She had hoped that sitting there, watching the calm and tranquil water would help her to clear her head, that it would help her to decide what to do next, that maybe she would be able to understand the path her life had headed down. All it did was make her more confused then ever. She watched the people strolling around, some walking dogs, others walking hand in hand with their loved ones, joggers occasionally speeding by her along with a few cyclists. The hardest thing to hear were the screams of delight of children being chased by their Father’s, the babble of a toddler who walked passed gripping tightly on to their mothers hand. Why couldn’t she have that? She closed her eyes and tried to block out the surrounding noise, really tried to concentrate on thinking about what she wanted, trying to formulate a new plan in her head about where she wanted her life to go because her old plan, the plan about marriage, kids and the white picket fence quite obviously wasn’t working out.

Every time, every plan always held Nick.

No matter how hard she tried he always popped up one way or another, even in her crazy cat women scenario, he was there complaining about how he was allergic to cat hair. He was a part of her life now, as hard as it was to be with him, as hard as it was to look at him, he was truly under her skin, deep within her broken heart and no matter how hard she tried to push him out, no matter how hard she tried to focus on his flaws, she couldn’t deny her love for him. Yet she felt trapped, the part of her that knew she could not live the rest of her life without him was buried deeply underneath the part that seemed to be pushing him away, pushing every one away.

Adie thought back to the argument that afternoon, the argument she had started over something so stupid. The more she thought about it the more she realised that the only reason they were talking about her was because she had made herself so closed off from everything around her, from everybody that loved her. Being angry at them was just transference, it stopped her focusing that anger on herself because if she was honest that was the only person she was mad at. She had been the one to carry Molly, she had been the one to ignore the signs that something was wrong, she knew that her kick counts were practically non existent that day and maybe, just maybe if she had gone to the OB floor just an hour earlier something could have been done. Instead of sitting out on the creek she would have been sat encouraging Molly to fight in the NICU, sure the road ahead would have been a long, stressful one but at least she would of had some hope. She didn’t want anyone’s sympathy, she didn’t want anyone to tell her that it was going to get better with time, and so making them angry at her was easier then having to deal with the sadness that they conveyed through their faces. She could deal with the anger, with the harsh words, but she had always hated being killed with kindness, yet it was something she did often in her line of work. Maybe that was why she knew it was all so false.

She thought back to what Nick said, and she knew that he was completely right. Sure she was hurting like hell, sure it was such an effort to get out of bed in the morning but it still didn’t give her the right to say what she did to her sister, even if she thought it was the truth. Yet that was just it, she knew it wasn’t the truth, it had just been the jealously talking, she loved her sister with all of her heart and yet she was just another person she had managed to push away. She was going to be lucky to have anyone left the rate she was going. She realised then that it was the whole reason she was sat by herself with no one to talk it all over with, she couldn’t face her parents not after how they had finally found out about her abortion, there was no way Rachel was going to look at her let alone talk to her without a possible black eye and Nick had all but thrown her out. Sure she had her friends but none of them would understand, it would just be uncomfortable, no one would know what she was feeling because no one she knew had been through the loss she had, no one had lost a child.

The lowering sun hit her eyes and in her haste to leave she hadn’t remembered to pick up her sunglasses, hell she hadn’t even remembered her purse or her cell phone, her head lowered so her eyes were focused on the ground around her feet. The toe without the nail attached was a dead give way that it was him, and every time she thought about how it happened it made her shiver, it must have hurt like hell to have had an oxygen cylinder fall on it, the bone piercing the skin intensifying that pain. She didn’t move her gaze to look at him, she didn’t even deviate her eyes to the left when he sat down next to her on the uncomfortable wooden public bench.

“I thought I’d find you here,” He said but she didn’t reply. “I know your hurting right now, I know you’re angry at the world, and I know it seems like this is never going to get better. It’s exactly how I feel. I know how empty peoples words sound, I know how hard it is to believe them when they say things will start to feel better eventually but I think they are telling the truth, I don’t think Kevin would lie to me about that. We’re never going to forget her Adie, she will always be a part of both of us but she is gone,” his voice broke slightly causing him to hesitate, “And it’s something we are going to have to get over.”

She didn’t say anything, didn’t move a single muscle and she knew that was what he was waiting for. He was waiting for her to break again, but she just couldn’t, she hated that she couldn’t, she hated that the part of her that wanted to was screaming so loud, yet going unheard but she just didn’t know what she could do to make him see, to make him understand. Nick being angry at her was better then the pity he would feel for her.

“I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to be without you. But if your not fully committed to this relationship, if there is the tiniest bit of doubt in your mind about us making it then you shouldn’t come back. I uh…I bought your cell and your wallet. I’m gona go back to the house and let you do whatever you need to do to decide but the door is open Adie. If you decide that we’re done, if you decide not to come home can you just text me to let me know where you are so I know your safe?”

She nodded knowing that she owed him at least that much. She saw and felt the movement of him vacating his seat but yet she found she still couldn’t look at him, the shame of her recent behaviour to embarrassing. He hesitated for a moment before she heard the clack of his flip flops signalling that he was moving away from her.

 “I love you,” She heard him say.

And it wasn’t until she knew that he would be out of ear shot that she whispered the sentiment back.

“I love you too.”

***

The game was on, the volume pretty much up full blast but the blur of colour that was moving around was not holding his attention, and if you asked Nick would not have been able to tell you, who was playing, how far into the game they were or what game they were even playing for that matter. The TV had only been put on as a method of distraction, as a way of counteracting the silence that had seemed to engulf him since he had returned from the creek.

He wasn’t sure what had led him to the creek to begin with, maybe it was because he knew she would have wanted to be alone, maybe it was because he knew it was their favourite place to get away from everything and act normally without the threat of paparazzi and fans finding him. It hadn’t taken Nick long to find her, after all she had stuck out like a sore thumb with the gorilla slippers attached to her feet. He couldn’t believe that nobody had stopped to ask her if she was okay, then again if he saw someone dressed like she was he would have probably made sure to steer well clear, after all she could have been a psychiatric patient with homicidal tendencies just waiting for her next victim. He shook his head at himself with a gruff laugh, sitting there just thinking about Adie was obviously not a good idea but he knew there was no way he was going to be able to focus on anything else, once again his whole life was on hold because of her.

He had wanted so badly to tell her it was over, to make the decision for her because then at least he would know whether he was coming or going, he wouldn’t be stuck in limbo. Yet he knew he couldn’t do it, he loved her far too much to let her go that easily. Nick hadn’t expected her to just walk away as quickly as she did, and at first he thought she was bluffing because she was still in her pyjamas but it hadn’t stopped her, the car door slamming on her departure confirming his worst fears of her leaving him again. It had taken him a full twenty minutes to realise that she had indeed left in the clothes she was wearing when their argument had escalated and that was when he knew she was in trouble.

Adie was no means bothered by how she looked when she went out, she wasn’t the type of girl to put on makeup if she was just running to the store for some milk, she would have rather piled a hat on top of her un-brushed hair and plonked some sunglasses over her tired eyes. But she never, ever ventured out of the house in P.J’s, not even in the privacy of their own back yard. Yet she had just upped and left so easily and when he had eventually found her she had been in a very public place, not giving a damn about what people thought, it was very unlike her. She hadn’t even turned her face to look at him as he had spoken, the only acknowledgment he received being a slight nod of her head.

Nick wanted to help her, if he walked away he knew it would only cause her to retreat further into herself, he couldn’t just let that happen. When he had met her she had been so vibrant, so full of life, funny, witty, and back then she had seemed happy. Now she was just a shell of her former self, in the space of nine months she had completely disappeared in front of him. He had to get his Adie back, he couldn’t bare to watch her remain the person that she had turned into, the cold, uncaring women that she had been replaced by. He wasn’t that naive though, because his past experience with Alex had taught him one thing, you couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to be helped in the first place. That was why he had done what he did by the creek, he knew that begging her to come back would not have worked, it would have just pushed her further away. Giving her the option was all he could do, letting her know that he loved her, that he wanted to be with her, well it was all he had to offer, the ball was now well and truly in her court. He would just have to respect her decision when the time came, no matter how hard it might possibly be.

***

Adie slowed the car to a stop just outside the house. She had been gone so long that day had turned into night and she almost didn’t quite believe the clock when it read 23:10. She didn’t know why she was so surprised because after Nick had left her at the creek she must have stared out across the water for at least a further hour before she made her way to Chelle’s. She wasn’t the person that Adie wanted to speak to though and true to her word Denise had shown up within ten minutes of being called. Denise, the only person Adie knew who had been through a similar situation before yet her reminder to call anytime, day or night, going unremembered until Adie had scrolled through the contacts in her phone. They had talked for hours and for the first time Adie hadn’t felt any hint of pity from someone, Denise had just listened, offering a few suggestions, a reassuring pat to the knee when it was needed. She wasn’t patronising, she didn’t force her opinion but she wasn’t overly nice and when Adie told her about how she had been treating Nick Denise had chastised her for it.

Yet it was exactly what Adie needed. It finally made her realise how uncalled for her behaviour had been, just because she had lost Molly did not give her the right to make other people hurt. It didn’t give her the right the behave like she was, just because she had lost Molly it didn’t make her immune to taking other people’s feelings into consideration. That was when she knew what she needed to do to make it right, she needed to go to Nick, she needed to face him and she needed to explain. She couldn’t just walk away again.

The lights on in the hallway and living room were the giveaway that he was still up and she wasn’t surprised, she hadn’t text him to let him know she was going anywhere else. She picked up the carrier bag that held her pyjamas as she got out of the car, already feeling better for the shower and change of clothes Denise had insisted upon before she would even consider talking to Adie. She made her way slowly up the porch steps but didn’t hesitate when the time came to unlock the door, knowing that Layla would have heard her approach long before Nick, she braced herself for the dog. Sure enough she had been at the door like a shot, her excited tail wagging back and forth and when Adie looked up Nick was stood by the entrance to the living room, lines covering his left cheek, a dead giveaway that he had fallen asleep against the arm of the couch.

“You came back,” he stated sleepily.

She nodded as she dropped the carrier bag to the floor. Obviously noting the change of clothes Nick asked her where she had been.

“Chelle’s. I spoke to Denise,” She told him as she made her way towards the living room. “Can we…I think we need to talk.”

“Yeah,” he agreed as he walked into the living room with Adie following close behind. She watched as he sat on the comfy two seater and she looked across the room at the chaise lounge but at the last minute she changed her mind and sat next to him. She had been distancing herself from him for too long, she needed to be next to him when she told him what she was about to because it was going to be the only way he would believe what she said. She pulled her feet up under her as she turned sideways on the couch so that she was facing him, so that she could see him and he could see her.

“I need to apologise to you because I’ve been so fucking insufferable to live with, I’m surprised you didn’t kick me out sooner,” She said, not missing how his back seemed to stiffen with her last words.

“I never kicked you out,” he defended.

“I know you didn’t…I didn’t mean it like that but I think you finally telling me how it is…you pointed out…” She hesitated, not knowing how to explain it to him, “I can’t get the words I want to say out.”

“Take your time,” he said softly, he too moved so that he was facing her, his own legs folded Indian style beneath him.

“I’ve been so blinded by my own pain baby that I didn’t see yours or I didn’t want to see yours. It was easier to just either shut off from you or cause an argument with you because it felt better to channel the anger I felt towards myself at you. I shouldn’t have done that, it’s not fair to you,” She explained, knowing full well what he would ask next.

“Why are you angry at yourself?”

“Because I should have known something was wrong,” she whispered as she closed her eyes to try and block out the painful memories.

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” She shrugged as she dropped her eyes to her lap, “I just feel like I should have and…what if?…what if?”

“What if what?” He promoted when she hesitated.

“What if this is my punishment? What if I’m being punished for the abortion I had?” She asked softly, her eyes still down cast.

He lifted her chin with his hand so she was looking directly at him as he sternly told her, “This is not because of that Adie, it’s because you have Hughes syndrome, that’s why this happened.”

“I’m so screwed up Nick. I sat out by the creek in my pyjamas today,” she reminded as she slowly moved his hand away. “Sane people don’t do that, sane people don’t hate their sisters for having beautiful babies, sane people don’t walk away from the people that they love. I can feel myself doing it, I can feel myself pushing everybody who loves me away and I can’t seem to stop, I can’t seem to break myself out of this dark place, I don’t want to end up on my own, I don’t want to be some lonely old women.”

“You don’t have to be,” he told her.

“You can’t say you honestly want to stick around can you? You said it yourself today, you can’t live like this and I shouldn’t make you live like this,” She said to him, not missing the confusion in his face as she spoke her words.

“What are you saying?” he questioned, a frown appearing on his face.

“I don’t know, I really don’t know,” She admitted, “I know that I’m not going to get over this as fast as I want to, there’s no quick fix for this situation. I can’t…I don’t think I can do the whole therapy route.”

“You can’t just pretend it never happened Aid,” he almost huffed but she understood why. He was scared she was going to try and ignore everything that had happened, that she wasn’t going to deal with it but she had learnt from last time, she knew she had to face it, she was just trying to figure out how she would be able to.

“I know that but I have to deal with this my own way,” She told him as she took his hand in hers.

“So what’s your way?”

“I spoke to Denise and after that I realised…you know what Rachel said about me being spineless? It’s completely true. I’ve always lived by other peoples rules, by other peoples suggestions and plans, I put my life on hold for other people, I never stick up for what I want to do or what I believe in. At first it was my parents, I love them and I owe a lot them but there was a lot pf pressure there when there didn’t need to be. I didn’t need to be on the honour roll, I didn’t need to be a straight A student in everything, a few b minuses would have sufficed, then maybe I would have had a nit more of a life. I went along with Mark because I was young and naive, I was completely lost when I met you.”

“You didn’t seem like you were, you seemed happy,” He told her the frown again reappearing.

“That’s the key word right there, seemed. I…I settle to keep people happy Nick, I settled to keep you happy,” She reminded him.

“I know you did and I shouldn’t have made you do that.”

“I look in the mirror and I hate the person staring back at me. I hate what she’s become. I’ve completely lost sight of who I am and what I stand for. I need to find her again, I need to go back to the person I was a long time before I met you. She was a lot of fun.”

“What are you saying?” He asked warily, and she could see her words sinking in, the realisation of what they meant beginning to dawn on him

“I think I need some time to figure myself out, to figure out what I want. I just need to get away from everything, from everyone,” she told him softly, not missing how hurt he seemed to look. It was almost as if she had taken his favourite toy away from him and when he uttered his next words her heart broke.

“From me?” He whispered his eyes piercing through her.

“I love you,” She reassured, “I know I do, but at the moment…Molly dying defines our relationship.”

“It doesn’t have to, it was a horrible thing that happened but it doesn’t have to define our relationship or who we are,” Nick tried to tell her.

“I know that but I don’t think I can be with anybody until I’ve figured myself out. All I’m doing is hurting people, I’m hurting you and you don’t deserve that. You deserve better than that, and until I’m ready to be better for you I think I need to distance myself from you,” she said, the look her gave her again enough to rip at her heart and make her want to take all her words back. She wouldn’t though because it would mean settling to make someone else happy, she couldn’t do that anymore, she had to put herself first for once otherwise the relationship was going to stand zero chance of survival. She wasn’t only doing it for herself she was doing it for him to, all she had to do was make him realise that.

“What if I don’t want you to?”

“It’s not your choice baby, I’m being selfish but this time I’m being selfish for the right reasons, I know I am. I’ve uh…I called Lou-” She said knowing she was going to have to tell him sooner or later.

“You’re going to London?” Nick asked in disbelief.

“No, I’m going to Nepal,” She explained.

“So you are leaving me?” he asked, his eyes now downcast.

“No. I’m leaving home for a while but I am not leaving you. The whole time I was at the creek all I kept thinking about was making a new plan for my life, I kept trying to decide where my life was going to go but every time, every path I could have possibly taken, always had you either at the end or right next to me. This is just something I have to do,” she said as she placed her hands to either side of his face to make him look at her. He diverted his eyes sideways as he gruffly asked,

“Will Mark be there?”

“Do you really think I would be going if he was?” She asked, not being able to hide the upset in her voice.

“I don’t really know what to expect from you anymore,” he bit back angrily.

“I don’t want to argue with you Nick, I don’t want to leave here with that as my last memory of you, of us,” she tried but he just got up from where he was sat shaking his head at her.

“And you call me a hypocrite. This,” he said signalling to himself and his anger, “This is exactly the type of person I have been living with since you got discharged from the hospital. All I’m used to is arguing with you.”

“Yeah I know. I know what a bitch I’ve been towards you and all I can say is sorry. I’ve done that, I said sorry, I’ve come here to tell you this is what I need to do, I’ve been honest with you, I didn’t have to come here today and tell you my plans I could have just left. But I didn’t,” she told him calmly from where she was sat. “If you want to leave it like this, then that’s fine, I’ll just go.”

She made it to the doorway of the living room before he stopped her.

“I’m sorry,” he said before back peddling, “No actually I’m not sorry. You’re right you have been a fucking nightmare to live with, you haven’t supported me in the way that I needed but I still, for some crazy reason, I fucking love you.”

“I love you too and that’s why I’m doing this,” she told him firmly as she walked back into the room. She watched him as he closed his eyes, knowing it was his way of fighting his emotions only this time it was unsuccessful.

“I’ve already lost so much in my life,” he choked out, “I can’t loose you too.”

She watched as the first few tears fell from his face and fought back the lump in her throat when a small sob escaped his lips. Adie made her way to him quickly, she reached up on tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his neck, brining his head down to rest between her shoulder and head to try and comfort him.

“I love you. I love you. You are the only person in the world I want to be with. I don’t want anyone else but this is just something I have to do. By doing this, by going away I’m giving us a chance baby, if I stay I don’t think we’ll make it. You just have to be patient with me.”

Just have a little patience

I’m still hurting from a love I lost

I’m feeling your frustration

Any minute all the pain will stop

Just hold me close Inside your arms tonight

Don’t be too hard on my emotions

 

Cause I need time

My heart is numb, has no feeling

So while I’m still healing Just try and have a little patience

 

I really wanna start over again

I know you wanna be my salvation

The one I can always depend

I’ll try to be strong

Believe me I’m trying to move on

It’s complicated by understand me

***

Nick watched Adie as she slept soundly beside him. He watched the occasional flutter of her eyes beneath her lids, how every so often her nose would twitch, he marvelled at how she didn’t wake herself up with all the moving she seemed to do around the bed. He let his grip loosen on her when she started to move again, eventually settling closer to him, her long hair tickling his bare shoulder as his firm grip on her returned.

He placed a small kiss to her temple as he tired to work out how he was going to get through the next four months without her. When she had sat him down he was sure that it was her way of breaking it to him easily, that she was definitely leaving him but at least this time she was going to have the decency to tell him face to face. So when she told him that she wanted to be with him he had been a little shocked but now he didn’t know which was worse, because being with her meant being separated from her whilst she worked through things. He understood her need, and he wanted to support her in her decision but he also needed her with him, he needed to be around her. Maybe that had been the reasoning behind his mini breakdown earlier.

It was the first time he had openly sobbed in front of her, had openly shared his emotions and he had felt so venerable in doing so, he still did but she had been amazing. She had just led him to the couch, pulled him into her arms and just let him cry for a good half an hour before she said anything more.

Nick had been the first to speak, telling her that he understood why she needed to go and then he did something he had never done in the past, he confided in her his biggest fear. How could he trust that she was going to come home? How did he know that she wouldn’t change her mind and stay out there? Adie had honestly told him there was no way either he or she would be able to know for sure what the future held for them but she had also told him that she loved him, that for her he was it, he was just going to have to trust that and believe in their relationship. The conversation had then drifted on to when she would be leaving, that was the second bombshell of the evening but it wouldn’t be the last.

He had managed to control his anger when she had calmly explained that the flight was the following morning at eleven am. Nick then asked what the rush was, why couldn’t she wait a few days, say goodbye to people properly? Her answer had made complete sense, it would have made it harder to leave if she waited, the knowledge she was going would always be there, niggling away at the back of his mind. That was when she told him the final piece of news for the evening, it wasn’t just a month trip like she had previously planned before she had found out she was pregnant, she wasn’t going to be back before the end of the year.

“So you are going to be out there for Christmas and New year?” he asked in disbelief.

She nodded slowly, “I know it’s going to be hard-”

“I get you have to go away, I understand that but I don’t understand why you have to be away for the holidays.”

“I don’t want to celebrate Christmas, I don’t think I will be feeling all that festive this year and…by coming back in the new year I just think it will be good for us, we can start fresh you know?” She told him.

“Why don’t I come out and meet you for Christmas?” he asked.

She hadn’t really gone for the idea but he knew he still had plenty of time to convince her and even if she still said no he knew he would just turn up anyway. She would just have to deal with it because there was no way he was spending Christmas by himself, he had done that too many times in the past.

“You awake?” He heard her ask when she flipped over so that she was on her tummy, her head resting against his chest as he arm covered his stomach.

“No,” he chuckled softly.

She placed a soft kiss to his chest before she whispered, “Ask me to stay.”

He wanted to, the words were on the tip of his tongue, ready to escape but he knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. She would forever regret it if she did stay, she would never find the closure she was hoping for and knew for sure that they would not last.

So with a sigh, he pressed his own kiss to her head before he told her, “You have to go Sugar Puff.”

When you love someone so deeply

That they become your life

It’s easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside

Blindly I imagined I could

Keep you under glass

Now I understand to hold you

I must open up my hands and watch you rise

 

Spread your wings and prepare to fly

For you have become a butterfly

Fly abandonly into the sun

If you should return to me

We truly are meant to be, so spread you wings

Butterfly

 

I can’t pretend these tears Aren’t overflowing steadily

I cant prevent this hurt from

Almost overtaking me

But I will stand and say goodbye

For you’ll never be mine

Until you know the way it feel to fly.

 

Song Credits: Take That - Patience

                    Mariah Carey - Butterfly

Chapter End Notes:
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