Adie gripped the steering wheel tighter, she opened the window wider to try and let some air in, she even turned the volume up so loud on the stereo that she thought she was going to perforate her own ear drums. Yet nothing seemed to be working, she could still feel her eyes becoming heavy, she could still feel them close every so often but when she felt the small jolt to the left side of the car they snapped open quickly. She had just clipped the curb but it made her realise how stupid she had been in deciding to drive herself. Driving and being sleep deprived was a bad combination, it had the possibility to become a deadly situation, but she hadn’t been thinking clearly when she had reached the car rental desk at the airport. Her only thought had been about getting to him.

It had been a long journey, the last minute departure meaning that she couldn’t get a direct flight to the States from Nepal and she had endured two layovers. She was tired, hungry, dirty but most of all she was petrified about what was going to be waiting for her when she finally made it to her destination. She thought back to the moment she got the call, it just felt like de ja vu, the circumstances so similar to the time it had occurred before.

Adie could hear her name being called, but she was so tired, not making it to bed until five am and then getting up at seven had definitely caught up with her. She had an hour for lunch and her only plan was to sit in the small barren room that was the break room and crash. It was a far cry from the break rooms she was used to, there were no comfy couches, no TV’s, they were lucky to have a coffee machine in there and so she had had to make do with slouching against the desk to try and get some shut eye. So why did the person calling her name want to deprive her of that? She had set the alarm on her phone and there was no way she had slept through it. Maybe if she just ignored them, they would go away.

“Adie?” She felt the small shake to her shoulder.

No such luck.

“Hpmf?” She moaned.

“You need to wake up, you have a phone call,” Lou told her.

“I’ll call them back,” she mumbled as she turned her head so she was resting on her other cheek. It was probably Nick and right then she knew she couldn’t form a coherent thought in her mind, there was no way she was going to be able to hear his voice without breaking down.

“It’s your Mom, she says it’s urgent.”

With that information she quickly sat up, it had to be something major because her Mom would always wait for Adie to phone as she could never seem to grasp the time difference. She followed Lou out to the main desk of the ward, smiling awkwardly at Sean who was sat there.

“Mom?” She asked cautiously.

“Adie? Honey you need to come home.”

She hadn’t heard much else of what her Mother had said, and as soon as she hung up the phone the tears that she had been silently crying found their way out full force. By the time she had relayed the information to Lou, Sean had pretty much found her a flight. She didn’t remember getting to the airport, she didn’t remember the layovers, her mind had been filled with worst case scenarios, after everything that had happened she couldn’t loose him too.

She breathed a semi sigh of relief when she saw the first signs directing to her to the hospital, not that she needed them, but at least she knew she was close. Five minutes later she had managed to park the car and was making her way towards the entrance of the hospital, she tried to wipe the sheer exhaustion from her eyes and if she hadn’t been so worried she knew her first stop would have been to the coffee bar. It turned out that her first stop wasn’t too far from there anyway, the aroma of fresh brewing coffee seeming like utter torture.

“Adie?” She heard her name called and looked to her left, spying her sister instantly. She walked the few small steps to where Rachel was leant against the wall and instantly fired a barrage of questions at her.

“Where is he? Is he okay? Did they do angioplasty? Mom said something about a bypass-”

Rachel held up her hand quieting Adie before she started to speak.

“Woah, illiterate sister here or have you forgotten? I don’t know what those big words mean,” She snidely reminded.

Adie sighed, “He’s at least got to be okay if you’re still holding that against me.”

“Holding it against you?” Rachel questioned, her eyes narrowing.

“I apologised to you,” Adie reminded.

“Six lines in a letter doesn’t really count considering I couldn’t read it,” she said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry okay? I had no right to say what I did, I didn’t mean it,” Adie told Rachel sincerely.

“I’ll only accept your apology if you’re honest. You meant what you said Adie, it’s when we’re at our most angry and upset that we’re honest,” Rachel said, crossing her arms across her chest.

Adie looked away for a few moments before she focused her gaze back on her sister, “It’s jealousy Rach, because you have everything, everything I have ever wanted, you’ve got.”

“I know you find it hard to believe Adie but I have worked for it, I’ve given up stuff for it. I left my life here for Alex, I moved to Florida to be with him, I don’t have any friends down there, hell half the time when I’m down there I’m going crazy because I’m lonely, I miss you, I miss seeing Mom and Dad all the time, I miss my life here, but I did it because he was worth it. Nobody looks at me like he does, nobody in the world treats me like a princess but he does. So I compromised,” Rachel told her.

“And I haven’t?” Adie questioned defensively.

“You haven’t let him in.”

“I know that, that’s why I’m here,” Adie said but even to her own ears it didn’t sound convincing. Sure her talk with Sean had started her mind working, yes her plan had been to call him, but coming home hadn’t been part of her plan. She wasn’t even sure if she would have talked herself out of doing all those things if her Mother hadn’t have called her due to her father taking ill.

“Bullshit, you’re here because Dad had a heart attack, you’re not here for Nick, if you were, the first place you would have gone was home, hell you would have called him from the airport so he could pick you up,” Rachel commented.

Adie remained silent, there was no way she was going to be able to convince her sister otherwise.

“The only person you’re convincing is you, but I think even that is starting to fade, at least I hope it is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Adie asked defensively again.

“He’s not going to wait around forever Adie, no matter how many times he may have told you he will in the past. You’ve pushed too far this time,” Rachel told her and Adie knew from the look in her sister’s eyes that she was telling the truth. She couldn’t deal with that now, she was dog tired and worried and all she needed to do was see her Dad, she just needed to know he was okay.

“Is he in CICU?” Adie asked, semi ignoring Rachel’s last comment.

“Yeah, bed twelve.”

She didn’t even say goodbye to Rachel, she just turned on her heel and strode the rest of the way to the elevators, trying in vain to keep her tears at bay. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she never realised who she walked past.

***

Nick stepped out of the way otherwise the two coffee’s in his hand would have been knocked clear to the floor by the woman who was quite clearly on a mission if her pace was anything to go by. He went to make a comment but when his eyes followed her he recognised the back of the hoodie immediately, the dark messy bun confirming his initial thoughts. There could only be one person with a Great Ormond Street hoodie like that, at least in this hospital, and he was just about to follow her when his head over ruled his heart.

He had made his decision, as hard as it was he wasn’t going to chase her anymore, he was going to leave her be. He wasn’t going to wait forever, he knew she was home now but he also knew that she was going to be overwhelmed with what had bought her back, he wasn’t heartless, he hadn’t expected her to come to him straight away but she was on a time frame, whether she knew it or not. So why if it had felt like the right decision yesterday, was he having such a hard time in deciding when her time would be up? Yesterday she had until the end of today to contact him, but now? Maybe he should give her a little more time, after all he Father had just had a heart attack.

“You took you’re time,” Rachel moaned as she took one of the coffee cups from him, “And yes before you ask, it was her.”

“She okay?” He asked as he looked in the direction Adie had headed, but she was long gone.

“Yes Nick, she was all smiles and giggles,” Rachel sarcastically added.

“Alex is right, you’re evil on no sleep.”

“How come you didn’t take off after her?” Rachel enquired before she took a sip of her coffee.

“I’m not chasing her anymore, she knows where I am.”

“I told her that you weren’t going to wait forever,” Rachel told him.

“What did she have to say to that?” He asked, not really knowing if he wanted to hear her answer.

“Not a lot,” Rachel sighed.

“She knows it’s a bluff that’s why,” He admitted, looking away from Rachel when her dark eyes, that were so similar to her sisters, bored into him.

“I thought you decided you weren’t going to wait forever?” Rachel questioned.

“Seeing her…” he hesitated. “I can’t just walk away from her Rach. As corny as it sounds, as much as I hate myself for saying it because I swore to myself that it didn’t exist, she’s my soul mate,” he told her with a smile.

“Yeah?” Rachel asked with a small smile of her own.

He nodded, “Yeah. God knows why, but I’m meant to be with her. If we weren’t meant to be together then I know I would be able to walk away but I just can’t seem to do that, no matter how stubborn she is. She’s my other half Rachel, she might not know it yet but she is.”

“So what are you going to do?” Rachel asked.

“I’m going to catch my flight to Vegas,” he shrugged. “If she really wants to find me then she will.”

“Is it wrong that I want to bash my sister’s head against a brick wall until she realises what she has?”

He laughed heartedly, “Yeah because a case of amnesia is what this story needs to make it more interesting.”

“You should get going if you’re going to make that flight,” She reminded.

“Yeah,” he agreed looking down to his watch.

“Have a safe flight okay? And wish Aaron and Angel a happy birthday, Alex gave you their cards and gifts right?” She asked as she grabbed him in a tight hug.

“Yeah he did, I’ll tell them,” he said as he squeezed back.

Every time I close my eyes

You’re the first thing that runs through my mind

Everywhere I go

I see you

Hear you

Feel you

I just want to be near you

And heal you

I fall in love all over again

Each time I lay my eyes on you

I pretend

I feel so helpless

Without you

I feel so helpless

Without you

It takes a piece of me

Each time you leave

I feel it in my chest So hard to breath

I feel so helpless

Without you

I feel so helpless

Without you

***

Adie took a deep breath in as she pushed the doors to the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit open. She released it slowly as she made her way round the large unit stopping at the nurses station to enquire about her Father, she was quickly directed to his room but stopped short just outside the door. There were two other people in there with him, one definitely had to be the nurse but she wasn’t sure about the other, the intern perhaps? The young women looked up from the chart that she had been writing on and smiled when she noticed Adie waiting by the door, she stepped out of the room quickly.

“Can I help you?” She asked politely.

“I’m Stuart’s Daughter,” she semi smiled back.

“You must be Adie, I’ve heard a lot about you,” she smiled.

“He’s not been breaking out the baby pictures has he?” She smiled.

“Not quite. You’re the nurse right?” She asked and Adie nodded. “You used to work in children’s intensive care?"

“He really has been boring you with not only his life story but mine too,” she almost laughed.

“He likes to talk that’s for sure. The Resident is in there with him now, if you’ve got any questions about what’s happened I’m sure he’d be happy to talk to you,” She smiled as she held the door open for Adie.

She took another deep breath in and released it as she walked in silently. Her Father, obviously thinking that it was just the nurse returning kept his attention focused on the Resident.

“…ECG is not as good as what we would like so I feel that a triple bypass might give you a better outcome.”

“Whatever you think I need, if it’s going to make me better I’ll do it,” Her Father agreed. He looked a lot better then she thought he was going to, he was a little pale but he looked nowhere near as fragile as how he did after his first heart attack. Maybe it was because he had been through it before, he now knew what to expect. So if he looked to well why was the Doctor trying to convince him to have a bypass? To let them rip him in half and stop his pumping heart for half an hour?

“If he’s clinically stable what’s the rationale for a bypass?” Adie piped up making both the Doctor and her Father turn to her in surprise at her voice.

“Adie?” he Father asked, a large smile crossing his face at her arrival.

“I’m sorry, you are?” The Resident asked.

“Adie, this is my Dad,” she said introducing herself with a quick smile to Stuart.

The resident shook her hand as he introduced himself, “I’m Simon Jessop, Cardiac Resident. I was just saying to your Dad that his tests indicate he may need a triple bypass, that‘s where we take some of the blood vessels from his legs-”

Adie cut him off, “I’m an ER nurse, I know what a bypass is.”

“Oh,” the Resident said, taken aback somewhat by her abruptness.

“Adie,” Stuart called.

“His heart attack was three days ago, why didn’t you just do a bypass then instead of the stents?” She asked.

“Adie,” Stuart tried again but she just ignored him.

“Due to your Father’s age and the results from the ECG taken at the time my Attending felt that angio was the best route to go at the time. If you look at the elevated ST segments on his most recent ECG it shows the underlying ischemia is worsening compared to the last one he had in clinic two months ago, a bypass would limit more damage to the myocardium,” The Resident told her as he showed her the ECG strip.

“But he’s clinically stable right?” She asked and the Resident nodded, “So why do a risky procedure? Is the ischemia any worse then his original ECG on arrival to the ER?”

“No.”

“So this could be the ischemia caused by this M.I, the bypass wouldn’t change that,” She told him with a frown.

“You’re right it might not,” He told her and Adie didn’t miss how uncomfortable he seemed, it was then it clicked that he was new in his role.

“Are you an R3 or an R4?” She asked.

 “Er…I’m an R2” he stammered.

“Oh my God,” She scoffed, “You’re telling me you were an intern four weeks ago? I want to speak to your Attending.”

“Adie,” Stuart said more sternly getting her attention.

“What?” She asked, “He’s a baby, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, I want to speak to the Attending.”

“Dr Jessop I want to apologise for my Daughter and her rudeness, she’s just travelled back from Nepal. I’ll read the literature you left and I’ll get Helen to give you call when I’ve made my decision.”

“No problem sir, I’m sure I can get my Attending to come down to speak to you later,” The Doctor said, the hint of pink disappearing from his cheeks as he made his way out of the room.

“What?” Adie questioned when her Fathers looked at her sternly. “He’s a baby Dad, four weeks ago he was an intern. Trust me in the long run you’ll thank me for doing this, when it comes to your heart you want the Attending.”

“Adie,” Stuart said but she ignored him again as she flipped through his drug chart.

“Why are you still on the same amount of Aspirin? You had angio they should have halved it for three days,” She questioned.

“Adie.”

She picked up the ECG the resident had left behind and began to scrutinise that, “The ischemia is no worse, I saw your last ECG.”

“ADRIANNA!” Stuart yelled finally grabbing her attention. “They have more then enough nurses here and anyway you’re a children’s nurse and forgive me if I’m wrong I don’t know of many children who need triple bypasses. So can you stop trying to be my nurse and just be my daughter.”

She looked at him and then down to the floor when her vision began to grow fuzzy due to her tears. If she concentrated on the medical part of what was going on it gave her power, she knew what she was talking about, she could be her Father’s advocate, she was in control. If she became the daughter in this situation then she had to have emotion, her emotions were all over the place, she had been on a complete rollercoaster ever since she had gotten the new that her Dad had suffered another heart attack. She shook her head at herself as she took in a shaky breath, in the face of everything she was still lying to herself, she had been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since she had lost Molly, hell ever since she had left London after the abortion.

“I could use a hug you know,” Stuart said softly. “It has been three months, a proper hello would even suffice.”

Adie looked up to her Dad then, a small laugh escaping her lips before the dam she had managed to build broke and the months of tears and pain came flooding out, her hand coming to her mouth to stifle the sound.

“Baby I can’t get out of bed to give you a hug so you’re going to have to come to me,” Stuart told her as he held his arms out to her. She made her way to him, climbing up on the bed and snuggling into his embrace when he shuffled across to make room for her. “Let it all out honey,” He whispered as he just held her.

It took half an hour before her cries drifted into sniffs and hiccups, her exhausted body remaining slumped against her Father, the only place she felt truly safe. She hadn’t noticed that Helen had been in to close the blinds to give them privacy but she must have because they had been open when she had first arrived. She wiped her eyes of any remaining moisture before she moved her head so that she could look at her Dad.

“Why did you have to do this again Dad?” She asked making him laugh slightly.

“It’s not like I enjoy it you know.”

“You can’t go anywhere Daddy,” She told him shakily, “I only feel safe with you.”

“I’m not going to be here forever baby. You’re going to have to find somebody else to feel safe with,” He told her, wiping the tear that fell from her eyes.

“There’s nobody else I’ll feel safe with.”

“Yes there is,” he whispered as he kissed the side of her head. “He’s a good man Adie, I don’t think you’re going to find anybody better then him. What happened to you both was tragic, but Molly’s death doesn’t have to be the death of your relationship. I think deep down you know that.”

“Every time I look at him, or hear his voice, or feel his skin on mine, all I can think about is what we lost. I don’t want to be sad every time I see him, so how can I be with him if that’s all I’m ever going to feel?” She asked with a sniff.

“You move on Adie, as hard as it is you think about the future, you think about all the beautiful grandchildren you and Nick and going to give me and your Mom. You’re never going to forget about Molly but you have to let her go, just like you have to let go of everything that’s telling you to hold back.” Stuart told her.

“Are you ashamed of me?” She asked quietly.

“Why would I be ashamed of you Honey?”

“For the abortion.”

“I’m upset you felt you couldn’t come to me or your Mom and I’m sorry you felt that we put a lot of pressure on you. You just seemed so…you were very passionate about things where Rachel hadn’t been, we just wanted to help with that passion but maybe we came over as pushy and I’m sorry about that. Everybody makes mistakes Honey, mistakes make us human. You know I think mistakes are even good, as long as you learn from them,” he said, squeezing her closer to him.

“What if you make the same mistake twice?” She asked.

“What’s my motto kid?” He asked.

“If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again,” she smiled.

“Eventually he’ll only remember the time you got it right. You might have to do the running this time, you might be the one who had to fight to get what you want but I promise you, in the end it will all be worth it.”

“What if it’s too late?” She asked, her biggest fear making itself known.

“What makes you think that?”

“Rachel…she uh…I think he told her that he isn’t going to wait forever,” she whispered.

“From what he said to me today I think he’d wait forever.”

At her Fathers words she moved from the security of his embrace and looked him dead in the eye as she asked, “Nick was here?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “He left about an hour ago to grab a coffee with Rachel before he had to catch his flight.”

Adie’s mind flashed back to her own arrival at the Hospital, Rachel had been waiting for him, why else would she have been hanging around the coffee bar? Why hadn’t her sister told her about Nick’s presence? Then again would it have really made a difference, she still didn’t know what she wanted, she still didn’t know what to say to him, she still hadn’t sent the letter she had written all those weeks ago.

So why did it bother her so much?

Her mind then clicked back to the last thing her Dad had said.

“What flight?” She asked.

“He’s going to Vegas.”

“Vegas?” She questioned.

“Yeah,” Her Dad nodded, “The twins are twenty one next week, he’s throwing them a party.”

She nodded before she rested back against her Dad. Her mind was racing a mile a minute. So he was going to Vegas? What did that matter? She had gone to Nepal without a second glance. So he had been at the hospital when she had? Then again what gave her sister the right to keep that from her? She had ample opportunity to let her know he was only a few meters from her but she hadn’t. Why was she feeling sick to her stomach about her missed opportunity of seeing him if she still didn’t know what she wanted?

Maybe that was her answer right there.

Maybe she did know what she wanted.

The only problem was what she wanted was winging his way to the other side of the country.

“His flight doesn’t leave for another hour. If you hurry you might just catch him.”

Song Credit: Backstreet Boys Feat Pitbull - Helpless