The room was dark save from the hint of light that shone out from the bathroom, Nick couldn’t even remember going in the bathroom so who knew why it was on, but it was just casting enough light so he could see her in the shadows. He watched Adie as she slept, she looked so peaceful, happy even and he knew why, because she still hadn’t faced up to what she needed to. Sleep had come easily for her, the second she had snuggled against his shoulder and closed her eyes he knew she was gone but he had found it much more difficult. The guilt had crept it’s way in as soon as he felt her orgasm rip through her, pulling him right along simultaneously, and the more he looked around the room, the more he focused on the lamp they had knocked over, the disarray of clothes they had ripped off, the more he knew he had made a huge mistake.

He had, once again, let her breeze in on her terms. He knew it wasn’t going to solve anything and yet he had practically been putty in her hands at the first sight of her.

She looked at him shyly for a few moments, before she made any attempt to move but before he knew it she had thrown her arms around his neck tightly the high heels she was wearing making it easy for her to nestle her head between his shoulder and his head. He stood stunned for a few seconds before he in turn wrapped his arms around her middle and lifted her off the ground, her giggle at his antics making him smile brightly.

“I’ve -” he was going to say missed you but she quickly placed a finger to his lips as he placed her back on the floor.

“Can we not….you know. Can we enjoy tonight? Have some fun?” She asked.

He took a deep breath in and looked away from her for a moment, he knew what he had to do. He had to be firm, niceness would get them nowhere, ignoring the problem would not make it go away and he was just about to tell her that when he heard her name squealed from the entrance of the club.

“ADIE!!!!!!!”

She turned her head quickly and laughed when she spotted Angel staggering towards her. Adie met her halfway and threw her arms around Angel in a hug, Nick watched the exchange from a slight distance and that was the moment he made the mistake. He knew by saying no to her that the outcome would be an argument, it was inevitable because even though she had shown up, three months was a lot of time to build up animosity towards someone. Yet he knew he couldn’t spoil the Twins night, twenty one was a special birthday, he had thrown this party for them and after all they had been through as a family he didn’t want to ruin yet another special occasion in their lives. His and Adie’s problems would still be there in the morning.

That had been what had got him through the first few hours, that and his growing sexual desire for her. It had been well over four months since they had been together intimately and from the way she started behaving towards him after she literally threw her fifth shot down her throat, he knew she was feeling the desire as well. She had never really been one to start off the foreplay when they were in public, that was usually down to him, and that was why he had been so shocked when she had shimmied up behind him when he had been waiting at the bar, unzipped the front of his pants and traced a finger down his length, before zipping him back up and walking away. One drink later and they had been making out in the elevator on the way to his room at the hotel.

He felt her hands trail down his sides as he pushed her against the wall of the elevator with his hips, her lips still firmly pressed against his, their tongues duelling for control. He moaned into her mouth when her hands trailed to the front of his pants, rubbing him through the fabric, his own hands finding their way underneath her tank top. The “ding” signalling that they had reached their floor made them both jump and pull apart slightly with a small laugh but when they realised the floor was deserted they resumed their previous behaviour.

His mouth only left hers as he swiped the key card and pushed the door open and before long she was in his arms again, pushing him further into the room, her kisses becoming more passionate by the second. By the time they got to the bed, his shirt had been tossed aside, hers along with it, his mouth trailing down her neck and along her collar bone as her hands worked at undoing his belt.

“Nick? I need you,” she moaned as he felt the cool air hit his erection when she pushed his pants down. He moaned deeply when she touched him for the first time but the good feeling was gone too quickly, his desire for her increasing when she stepped out of her skirt, leaving her only in her matching bra and panties. He quickly stepped out of his pants before her picked her up, her leg clipping the lamp, making it crash to the floor.

“Fuck,” he laughed, making her giggle along with him. He placed her in the middle of the bed before he began his assault on her body. He trailed his kisses and licks up both of her legs, smirking when he eyed his target. He roughly pulled her panties down her legs, throwing them across the room before he zeroed in on her pussy. She hissed in pleasure when he dragged his tongue up her slit before nibbling on her clit, her hands coming to either side of his head and pulling him up before he could do it again.

She flipped them so he was on his back answering his questioning look, “It’s been too long.”

He smirked in agreement and took the hand that she held out in his, moaning when she stroked his shaft before sinking down on to it.

“You’re so wet, Jesus,” He groaned as she pulled back off of him before sinking down slowly again.

She didn’t say anything, instead she just grabbed his other hand as she continued to bounce up and down on him, her pace increasing quickly. She didn’t say anything, the only noise escaping her lips being low moans and it wasn’t until Nick felt her orgasm begin that he realised something, she hadn’t looked at him the whole time he had been inside her. She hadn’t told him she loved him, hadn’t smiled down at him, hadn’t even spoken his name but by that point he was too far gone and he came not seconds after she did.

He closed his eyes as the realisation sunk in, and it was then he made himself get up and out of the bed. He couldn’t wake up with her, he couldn’t let her wake up with him and pretend that everything was okay, that everything was back to normal.

He couldn’t wake up with her because he felt like he had just fucked a complete stranger.

I Gotta know the girl behind the mask

Where you been? Let me in, don’t pretend

Don’t gotta hide alone

Show your face to me, we could be everything

***

It had been five am when Nick had pulled himself out of the bed, he had tried sleeping on the small couch but he had just found himself looking over at her on the bed, his anger towards her and himself only increasing by the slowly passing minutes. He felt like the walls were closing in on him, he felt like waking her up, asking her what the hell she was playing at but he knew when they did finally sit down and talk he wanted to be calm, he wanted to remember everything he needed to say to her. With that in mind, he quickly put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, placed his feet into his sneakers and made sure to grab his wallet and phone.

He wasn’t sure whether it was just because it was so early in the morning, or because there was more fun to be had in Vegas, but the gym was deserted and so after stretching out he made his way over to the treadmill and cranked it up on the highest incline it could go. The only sound in the gym being the pounding of his feet and his heavy breathing.

He got so lost in his own thoughts that it was only when his lungs started to burn from the strenuous workout that he realised he had been running for an hour. He slowed the speed of the treadmill down considerably as he worked down all his muscles and heart rate before stepping off the machine, his legs feeling slightly like jelo as he walked to the water fountain. He looked at the clock on the wall, six am, he knew that he had planned brunch with just Angel and Aaron for around noon, and knowing how wasted they were it was probably going to be pushed back to more like one pm anyway, it would give him plenty of time to talk to Adie. Then maybe an hour or two away from her would be good because there was a lot of stuff he needed to get off his chest, there was lots he needed to say and most of it wasn’t going to be very nice for her to hear, but she did need to hear it.

She was still sleeping by the time he got back up to the room, she hadn’t moved a muscle, her head still nestled firmly into the pillow, the sheet pulled up to her neck, just like she always slept, she cocooned herself, usually stealing all the covers from him in the process. Yet it was something he loved about her, it was something he missed when they were apart, and he actually found himself kicking the covers off more of often then not because he ended up too hot with them on.

He gently eased himself down on the bed beside her, how could someone who looked so much like his Sugar Puff seem like a complete stranger? Did the Adie he fell in love with still exist? What if too much had happened for her to be that person again? Would he be able to stay with her if this was who she was going to be? But would he physically be able to leave if it was?

He lightly pulled a stray piece of hair from her face, it made her stir slightly but she didn’t wake, the small sigh that escaped her lips stifled when she pushed her face further into the pillow.

“I love you,” he whispered, “I really do.”

He got up from the bed carefully, not wanting to jostle it too much in fear of waking her. He needed to shower first, and grab some coffee and then he would face what was probably going to be the most difficult conversation in his life.

***

Adie could hear movement around the room, but the bed was so cosy, so warm that she didn’t want to move, she didn’t want to get up and start the day, she just wanted to lay there and bask in the memory of the night before, snuggled in Nick’s arms. So when she moved to try and find him in the bed and came up empty handed, she opened one eye regretting it immediately when she remembered all of the alcohol that she had poured into her body the night before. She closed her eye quickly and bought her hand up to her forehead, rubbing it to try and rid the throb that was there, more sleep was what she needed and she was just about to try and drift back off to sleep when she heard his voice.

“You awake?” He asked gruffly.

“Mmm,” she moaned lightly as she opened her eyes more carefully. She spotted him sat down on the couch on the opposite side of the room, tying to laces to his sneakers, “What time is it?”

She watched as he bought his wrist up to his face so he could look at his watch, “Almost seven.”

“Seven?” She repeated slightly confused.

If it was seven am why they hell was he up and dressed? He had to have been up for at least half an hour because he looked like he had just jumped out of the shower, his damp hair messy from where he had just brushed his fingers through it. They had only made it back to the hotel at two am, they couldn’t have fallen asleep much before three and yet he was up and dressed. Well there was no way she was getting up, not for at least another three hours.

“Come back to bed,” she told him, flinging the sheet back slightly so he could slid in between them with her.

He didn’t say anything, he just stood up and shoved his wallet in his back pocket before he grabbed his phone from the nightstand along with the key card.

“Baby,” She pouted playfully, “Come back to bed, it’s early.”

“I’m going to get coffee and when I get back, we’re going to talk,” he told her firmly.

“Can’t we do that later? It’s early and I think this headache is going to turn into the hangover from hell. I think I need one of your hugs to make me feel better,” She pouted jokingly, the smile fading from her face instantly when he squared his jaw and uttered his next words at her.

“Yeah well I could have used a hug three months ago. We don’t always get what we want,” he said bitterly as he threw one of his T-shirts at her before she watched him walk out of the door.

***

Nick knew he had been harsh but he couldn’t pretend anymore and he wasn’t going to apologise to her, after all she hadn’t apologised for leaving, for not returning his calls, for not writing to him like she had everyone else. He made his way along the corridor to his room and when he reached the door, he balanced one cup on top of the other before he swiped the card and opened the door.

He spotted her immediately on the other side of the room, the sudden movement of the door catching her off guard, making her cover her almost naked body with his t-shirt.

“I thought you were housekeeping,” she explained as she pulled the t-shirt over her head before taking the coffee cup that he offered her. “I seem to remember you bringing me coffee when I had the hangover from hell after our first date.”

He remembered that too. He remembered putting her to bed, making sure there was a trash can right beside her, cleaning up her bathroom, he remembered checking on her every hour. Her couch had been beyond uncomfortable to sleep on and that was one of the reasons he had gone out for coffee when it had been late enough. He remembered every detail of how she looked when she walked out of her room in just her underwear expecting to see her sister. He remembered how crimson her cheeks had flushed when she spotted him instead, how she had tried to hide her scantly clad body behind a throw, he remembered how the mascara had been smudged across her face when she finally reappeared in clothes. He would never forget the dab of toothpaste in the corner of her mouth that she hadn’t realised was there, the way she tried to hide behind her hair, the look of shock on her face when he asked to see her again that night. He almost let out a small smile when he thought about their second date but that was what she wanted, whether she was doing it consciously or not, she was trying to divert his attention and he wasn’t going to let her do that again.

He shook his head at her, “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” She asked confused, her smile disappearing quickly as she sat down on the bed.

“You know what,” he told her sternly, he remained stood at the foot of the bed looking down at her as she reclined back against the headboard, her ankle crossing at the end of the bed.

“You need to get some sleep Nick, we can talk later,” she told him as she patted the space beside her whilst taking a swig of her coffee.

“No we can talk now and if you have nothing to say then that’s fine but trust me I’ve got plenty I want to say,” he told her almost angrily as he placed his half empty coffee cup on the desk.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She asked as she placed her own cup on the night stand before moving to sit Indian style on the bed.

“Wrong with me?” He bit back, unsure that he had heard her correctly.

“Yeah you’re like Jekyll and Hyde, last night you were fine, we had fun, I wake up this morning and you have a face like a slapped ass, your moody as hell and your snapping at me.”

“Yeah I wonder why?” he said throwing his hands up in exasperation. He knew what game she was playing and he hadn’t wanted it to turn into an argument but if it was the only way he was going to be able to get his point across then it was something he would have to do. She stared at him for a moment before she shook her head.

“I’m too tired to sit here and play your games so just say what you need to say,” she told him angrily. She was making him out to be the bad guy, he was moody with her because he was tired. He tried counting to ten, he tried to calm himself slightly but he got to number three before he opened his mouth.

“You’re too tired to play my games? Are you fucking kidding me? The only person here whose been playing games is you, I look at you and I have no fucking clue who you are anymore,” He spat back, pointing an accusing finger before he continued. “You turn up out of the blue, unannounced and uninvited and try and act like nothing’s happened. You threw shot after shot down your neck last night, you were dancing on the tables you-”

She cut him off with a smug look on her face as she said, “You didn’t seem to mind, I mean you didn’t have a problem coming back here and fucking me.”

He smiled at her comment, “I’m glad that’s how you put it because that’s exactly what it was, a cheap fuck. I should have screwed a complete stranger last night, there probably would have been more emotion in it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked as she placed one foot and the floor and crossed her arms across her chest.

“You didn’t even look at me, you didn’t talk to me, you didn’t tell you loved me, from the moment I was inside you, you didn’t even kiss me,” he counted off on his fingers, almost seeing red again when she began to speak.

“Well what goes around comes around, maybe it’s just karma from the all groupies you screwed.”

“No,” he shook his head, “You are NOT going to make this about that, about my past with girls, that has nothing to do with this.”

She stood abruptly and immediately he knew what he plan was. He crossed his arms over his chest and moved closer towards the door, yet he knew if she choose to leave, he would let her.

“I’m not making it about anything because I’m going to leave and come back when you’re in a better mood.”

“I’m not going to be in a better mood but if you want to leave then leave. But if you walk out of door then don’t expect me to still be here when you come back, we either do this now or not at all. But if you leave don’t ever expect to see me again,” He near on hissed and no matter how quickly she covered the look of shock in her eyes at his words, he still saw it. That was when he knew she wouldn’t leave.

“So that’s it? We do this your way or not at all?” She asked, not moving from where she had planted her feet on the floor.

 “Yeah, I’ve done it enough for you in the past,” Nick reminded. She stared at him for a few moments but his piercing gaze was obviously too much for her and she dropped her eyes to the floor before she dropped her body onto the bed in defeat.

“You wanted to talk so talk,” she told him when she eventually looked at him again. He still couldn’t see her, no matter how hard he looked he still couldn’t find any trace of her and that’s what he told her.

“You know I look at you and I have no idea who you are anymore, you’re not the woman I fell in love with.” Nick expected her to disagree, to argue with him and maybe that was why her next question was so shocking to him.

“Then why are you still with me?”

“I’ve asked myself that everyday since you’ve been away and I don’t know why. I was kind of hoping that maybe you were doing the right thing, that maybe you would come back and you would have worked through the stuff you promised me you would, but you haven’t. You did what you do best, you ran, you worked on other peoples problems and not your own, not ours and I resent you for that. You left me hanging, you’ve done that a lot this year,” he told her truthfully, obviously hitting a nerve if her next comment was anything to go by.

“You did it to me for three years Nick, I had to put my plans on hold for you.”

 “So what, this was your retaliation? This was your way of making me realise what I had done to you was wrong? It’s a little immature don’t you think?” He frowned.

She shook her head at him,“ No it wasn’t about retaliation, it wasn’t about getting my own back. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought some space was going to help me.”

He sighed as he looked away from her, focusing on he panties he had thrown from her body not hours before. He was so angry at himself for that, and that’s what it was about, he was more angry at himself then her because he was weak and he still needed her.

“I’m angry at you for going but I think I’m angrier at myself for letting you leave,” he admitted softly.

“Then why did you? Why did you let me go?” She asked, almost jumping up from the bed in anger, “I remember lying in your arms the night before I left asking you to ask me to stay and you didn’t. You told me that I had to go. Why didn’t you fight for me? Fight for us?”

He looked at her for a few moments, finally realising how exhausted he was, and that was exactly what he told her, “Because I’m tired of fighting for us, I can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m fighting a loosing battle because you pull away anyway.”

“But I’m here now,” she said softly as she took a few steps towards him. He knew that if she got any closer, that if she wrapped her arms around him like he knew she was planning that he would cave. He couldn’t do that, she needed to hear this, she needed to hear how he felt and so he did the only thing he could think off, he got sarcastic.

“You want a medal or something?” Nick sneered.

“Why are you being this nasty?” She asked softly, the pain from his words registering clearly on her face and Nick almost felt guilty. “I get that I hurt you, I get that you’re pissed off and I know I made a mistake but you’ve made mistakes too Nick, and you’ve hurt me in the past too.”

“But this is something we should have gone through together, this is something we should have each other through because nobody else knows how it feels, he pointed out, feeling the first few tears start to well in his eyes. “You left me you, you swaned off halfway around the world and you left me to deal with the pain of loosing our daughter all by myself. You didn’t call me, when I did call you were always too busy, do you know what it felt when everyone else got a letter but me?”

“I did write you a letter, I wrote you three letters,” Adie admitted.

“But you didn’t send them, do you know what kind of message that sent? You say you figured out you made a mistake but I know that’s not the reason you came home, I know you, you hate admitting when you’re wrong.”

Her silence was enough for him, yet he still needed to hear it for himself.

“I need you to answer one question for me. I need to know whether you would have come home if your Dad hadn’t had the heart attack?”

She was quiet for maybe a minute but eventually she looked him square in the eye as she spoke, “I don’t know. I figured out that I had made a mistake the night before I got the call about him but I don’t know whether I would have come home straight away.”

At least she was honest, she could have lied, not that he would have believed her and then he asked the other question that had been plaguing his mind.

“Did you even remember?”

“Remember what?” Adie asked with a frown.

“They day Molly should have been born? I sent you a text it would have got to you the next day because of the time difference, but late is better then never,” he told her making sure to get the dig in. He was past caring about sparing her feelings, after all she hadn’t been too concerned with his on that day.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t call you, I’m sorry I didn’t text you, I should have acknowledged the day but I didn’t know what to say, it was an awful day, I lost a patient and I was surrounded by grief all day, that was when I knew I made a mistake.”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, she had an awful day because she lost a patient? Why the hell was she working? Why didn’t she care enough to take the day off? Then again he hadn’t, he had worked as a way of trying to get through the day and yet all the usual last night of tour jokes and happy spirits hadn’t been enough to help him.

“Yeah well I had a bad day too and I could have used some sort of message from you, I could have used someone to talk to, everybody was so happy around me, I could have said something, but I didn’t want to piss on his day,” He rambled not remembering that she didn’t know about Howie’s and Leigh’s news.

“What are you talking about?” She asked confused.

“Leigh’s pregnant,” He blurted out, not missing how she had to swallow that lump that formed in her throat at the news.

"They told you on…” She hesitated.

“They told us all on the last night of the tour, which just happened to be Molly’s due date,” He nodded.

“Because you had to reschedule stuff,” she remembered out loud. He was only supposed to be home for a few days but obviously when Molly had been still born there was no way he could face getting back on the road quickly. The guys had actually been against touring again before the end of the year but he had been the one to persuade them to finish the remaining dates and adding the missing ones on to the end.

“Yeah. I know he didn’t do it on purpose and he apologised when he figured it out but it hurt. It still hurts,” he admitted, the tears dangerously close to spilling. “When my folks split, when me and the fellas took a break and I did my solo stuff I felt alone but that was nothing compared to this. I’ve never felt so alone in my life, I had nobody to talk to, nobody who would understand anyway. You were the one person who knew exactly what it felt like, exactly how much it hurt, every time I think about it it’s like someone’s twisting at my insides,” he choked out, knowing that it was futile to keep it at bay now. He looked deep in to her eyes as he told her, “I needed you, I needed you to be there when I woke up at night, I needed you to hold me and tell me that it was okay to be sad, I needed you to tell me that it was okay to be jealous of my brothers for having beautiful kids. And more then anything I needed you to tell me that we were going to get through this, that we were going to make it and that someday we could try again and have a another baby. But you walked way from me, you walked away from me when I needed you the most.”

He managed to get out what he wanted to say and he quickly looked away from her and swiped at the tears that had fallen. He knew she would try and console him, try and hug him and he hadn’t told her to get her sympathy, he had shared it with her to make her see how selfish she had been.

“Nick,” as predicted she moved towards him.

"No,” he pushed her away, “No I don’t want you to hold me now, your three months too late. I’m still sad but now I’m more angry at you then anything. You said that you thought it hadn’t effected me because I didn’t cry in front of you and I get that you were hurting, I understand that. What I don’t understand is why it took you so long to realise that she was my baby too, that I was excited too and that when she died, part of me did too,” He told her pointing to himself. “I know that’s how you feel. Some days I wake up and I can actually get out of bed, have breakfast and take a shower before I think about her, I even made it to lunch once and then there’s bad Molly days when it’s a struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. You should have been my reason, I should have been able to look over at you and you should have been my reason to get out of bed Adie, but you weren’t there,” he cried, not even bothering to wipe at his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she told him, her head titling to the side as her own tears fell.

“Yeah,” he nodded as he sniffed, “You keep saying that.”

“Well what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?” She asked sincerely.

He thought that he knew, he thought that her coming back was going to be enough. Well she was right in front of him but the answer still wasn’t there, they were still screwed up, still fighting and as much as he loved her, he was tired. He was tired of fighting, he was tired of being strong, he was tired of having his love for her thrown back in his face.

“I don’t know, I don’t know what I want,” He admitted. “Right now I’m just wondering whether it’s going to be easier to follow your example and walk out the door. I think I’ve been trying to fool myself for weeks that you would come back and it was all going to be fine because it’s not.”

Nick didn’t miss how Adie’s eyes bulged in realisation of what he was saying, he didn’t miss how they filled with more tears, he didn’t miss how she started shaking her head at him in disbelief before she spoke.

“Don’t do this, don’t walk away.”

“Why?” he asked, throwing his hands up, “Why is it okay for you to walk away and not me?”

“I was hurting and I was confused,” she tried to tell him but no excuse was going to be good enough. If she really loved him she would have thought about him and not just focused on her own feelings, he realised that now.

“I’m hurting too,” he reminded.

She took a step towards him and he took one back away from her, “I love you, we can work through this.”

“Yeah now that you’re ready. But I think I’m done,” he admitted.

“No,” she shook her head. “No you’re not going to give up that easy Nick.”

“I’ve been trying for three months Adie, I’m done.”

She shook her head at him, pulling on his arm as he made a move to turn away from her but he just tried to shrug her off. It only made her tighten her grip on him as she became slightly irate. He knew she would get like this, he knew she would find it hard to hear and he himself could believe that he was going to be the one to walk away from her. Yesterday he had been so happy when she had turned up and yet not twelve hours later he was walking away from her.

“No, no, no, NO!” she yelled the last time, managing to somehow get in front of him and block the door.

 “Let me out,” he said calmly.

“No,” she shook her head, wiping her tears, “No you’re not going anywhere.”

“I’m done,” he told her again.

“But I’m not. I want to fight. I’ll fight for us,” she told him placing a hand on his arm.

He shook his head, “It’s not enough, let me out.”

She stood strong and shook her head no again making Nick’s patience start to wear thin.

“Adie let me out!” He told her firmly shrugging her hands of off him, his anger quickly boiling to the surface when she placed them on his arm again. He didn’t know whether it was due to the anger and frustration, due to his emotion and guilt or just down to the fact that he was dog tired but he completely lost his temper, to an extent that he knew she had never seen before. It was like something flashed, he could see himself doing it, it was like he wasn’t part of his own body and he watched as he ripped his arms from her hands and punched the door just above her head as he screamed “LET ME OUT!”

Song Credits: Backstreet Boys - Masquerade