Adie stared straight ahead at the long boring road, the scenery was the same on both sides of the car, vast open plaines of nothingness and she knew that if she had made this trip alone she probably would have gone insane hours ago. As it was Nick’s snoring was driving her to distraction but the longer he slept the longer she would have to figure out what to say to him and even though they had been on the road for almost four hours, she still had no idea where to start. That was her biggest problem, she knew she had to tell him everything, she knew she had to be completely open and honest but it was a lot of stuff to talk about, what if she started in the wrong place and it all came out wrong? What if the things she was going to tell him made him become defensive and mad? What if the whole trip was just another excuse for an argument?

She looked over at his sleeping form briefly. She knew that he had been tired when she had first laid eyes on him when she had woken up that morning but when they had started the journey and he had remained silent she knew he was more emotionally drained then anything. It hadn’t taken him long to fall asleep, in fact she couldn’t even remember him being awake as she had pulled onto the I-15 North, and that was a whole twenty minutes into their journey. Adie knew that he hadn’t planned on falling asleep because his seat was still completely upright, his head was leant against the window of his door and when he woke she knew he was going to have really bad neck ache but he just looked so peaceful as he slept she didn’t have the heart to wake him to tell him to move, well that and because she wasn’t quite ready to talk.

Her reprieve ended roughly half an hour later when Nick started to stir and when the first sigh escaped his lips, when his hand went to his neck to massage out the ache, she felt the butterflies take over in her stomach. He let out another sigh as he sat up right in the chair, he looked out of the window, at her and then straight ahead and she knew it was because he was slightly confused as to where he was in his half asleep state.

“Hey,” she smiled over at him, “Sleep well?”

“Yeah, apart from the crick in my neck,” He yawned, “How long was I out for?

“About four hours,” She told him, focusing once again on the long, boring road ahead of her.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” He asked, the slight anger in his voice obvious.

“You obviously needed the sleep Nick.”

He didn’t say anything after that and she left him to wake up some more, noticing how he kept rubbing his eyes and yawning, she decided that she wouldn’t speak again until he did. When Nick was sleepy he quickly got angry, she had learnt that the hard way so many times, trying to make conversation with him when he was like that always ended up messy.

“Where are we?” He asked after about ten minutes.

“About two hours from Utah,” she told him, his reaction a slight shock.

“UTAH?” He almost yelled, his head snapping in her direction, “Why are we anywhere near Utah?”

“Because that’s the way the road takes us,” she told him.

“Well what road are we on?” He questioned as he reached down into his foot well to grab the map.

“The I-70.”

“I told you to take the I-40,” He bit back angrily as he opened up the map and began to scan it.

“No you told me to take the I-70,” She told him firmly.

“Why would I tell you that when I wanted to take the I-40?” He huffed as he continued to busy himself with looking at the map.

“I don’t know,” She huffed back, her sarcasm boiling to the surface, “But this is the road you told me to take, do you want me to turn around and start again?”

“No,” he told her as he dropped the map to the floor, “You’ve just added like a hundred miles to our trip already.”

“I’m just taking the route you told me to take.”

As always he had to get the last word in, mumbling, “I didn’t tell you to take this route, I said the I-40.”

She let it go, knowing that if she said something the petty argument would just carry on and be blown out of all proportion, they were both good at turning mole hills into mountains. They were only four hours into their trip and they were already fighting, was it an omen? Was there truly a relationship left to try and save? She almost shook her head at herself, she had to stop thinking like that, thinking negatively would only bring negativity, if they had any chance of making it through they needed all the positive vibes they could get.

He had just woken up, he was tired, that was all it was, once he was a bit more awake, he would be a nicer and so she leant over and turned the radio up slightly to drown out the silence that had grown between them.

“Hey I like that song!” She protested when Nick reached forward and turned the radio off completely.

“I didn’t come here to listen to the radio Adie,” he huffed once again, folding his arms over his chest.

“Why don’t you go back to sleep and wake up in a better mood,” she told him with a sigh.

“The only way I’ll wake up in a better mood is if I wake up three years ago,” he shot back.

Adie hadn’t been expecting that, it was nasty, spiteful even and the Nick she knew would never of said anything like that to her in the past, no matter how angry or tired he was. She had made him like that, she had made him angry and bitter and she thought back to what Angel had told her a long time ago.

“You can show him how great life really is and that you don’t have to repeat the same mistakes our parents did. Please don’t steal that from him, don’t let him turn back into the jerk he was when they were getting divorced, don’t let him close off completely.”

She had done that to him, she was the reason he was angry, she was the reason he was being spiteful, she was the reason he had reverted back to his “old” self. That was why she needed to explain things to him, it was why she couldn’t let him go without a fight, not when she had made him into this unrecognisable person in front of her. She tried to stop the tears from falling and they were not due to his words, they were because of her guilt about what she had done to him but he didn’t realise that.

“I’m sorry, that was harsh,” he apologised.

“Did you mean it?” She asked softly, one hand coming off the wheel to wipe at her eyes.

“No,” he shook his head before sighing, “Yes, I don’t know. I’m tired, I’m tired of fighting with you, I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“I want to tell you everything Nick, I really do but everything’s a lot and really don’t know where to start,” She told him honestly.

“Tell me what you thought of me the first time you saw me,” He asked her suddenly.

She eyed him suspiciously for a moment, remembering what she really had thought of him, “You really don’t want to know!”

“I thought we were going to be open and honest with each other?” He asked.

“We are.”

“The beginning’s always a good place to start,” he offered.

Again she eyed him suspiciously for a moment, before conceding, “Okay. I thought you were some stupid, rich, stuck up, pretentious asshole to be honest”

“So why are you with me?” he asked with a small laugh, a sound she wasn’t sure she was ever going to hear again a mere few hours ago. Maybe there was hope.

“Looks and attitude can be deceiving, I found that out pretty quickly,” she told him.

“The little girl?” He asked knowingly and she nodded remembering their very first meeting.

August 2005

Adie could still feel his eyes boring into the back of her but she choose to ignore it, she was too busy to play into his little flirting games. He was probably only looking for a quick lay anyway, not that she wouldn’t be interested, hell he was good looking it was the attitude he needed to work on. She made her way over to the small child in the bed space next to his and drew the curtain round so that he would not be able to see what was happening.

She had already triaged the seven year old and after washing her hands she snapped on some gloves as she took down the dressing that covered the impressive leg wound, it was going to take at least twelve stitches to close it. Adie had already placed numbing solution on the wound after she had cleaned it but the child would still need a local to numb the area completely, she was just about to ask for consent to do that and to explain her next actions when she saw the Mother’s face.

“Mrs Rodgers are you okay?” She asked quickly, taking her gloves off she made her way to the women who had turned quite an impressive shade of green.

“I feel quite faint,” she said quietly.

“Okay,” Adie nodded, “Why don’t you step out to the waiting room for minute and grab some water?”

Adie made sure to grab Chelle as she passed the curtain area and when she knew that Mrs Rodgers was in safe hands she turned back to the little girl, who had large tears welling in her eyes at the departure of her Mother.

“I want my Mom,” she whimpered.

“Sweetie Mommy’s not feeling to well but she’ll be right back but if we get started we could finished by the time she does and I think she promised you something about ice cream didn’t she? The little girl nodded but when Adie made a move to start on her leg, she pulled it away quickly, the first few large tears falling.

“She was supposed to hold my hand. Whose gonna hold my hand?” She cried.

Adie sighed knowing that the department was slammed, there was going to be no one free to hold her hand. She didn’t quite get a chance to try and explain things again though because she heard a voice from the other side of the curtain.

“I have one good hand.”

“You shouldn’t be listening,” Adie called back, her anger rising when the curtain parted slightly and he stuck his head through.

“See one hand and five fingers,” he said showing the little girl. “You want me to hold your hand till your Mom gets back?” Adie was just about to protest when the little girl nodded her head, her crying easing.

She watched as Nick made his way into the curtain area, sitting just beside the little girl on a stool as he took her small hand in his. He looked to Adie his eyes almost begging her not to make him leave, she sighed as she looked away and carried on preparing the tray for suturing the child’s leg, at least he had managed to calm her down.

“My name’s Nick,” he told the girl.

“Mine’s Molly.”

The thought made her heart almost skip a beat, how could she have forgotten such an important detail? Did he even remember? He probably didn’t, after all he had probably met thousands of girls since that day, it wasn’t likely that he had consciously chosen that name because of that day but she still found herself asking.

“Do you remember her name?” She asked softly.

“Who? The little girls?” he asked and she nodded, “Where else do you think that I came up with the name?”

Silence over took the pair once again and it sent Adie’s mind into a spin, she had to pull herself from it otherwise she was just going to end up in a balling mess at the side of the road and that wasn’t what she wanted. She was sick of crying, she was sick of making him feel guilty, of making him be strong so she could fall apart.

“What did you think about me?” She asked, her gaze turning to him quickly before her eyes returned to the road ahead. Nick was quiet for a moment and she was just about to ask again when he spoke up.

“I thought you were so hot when you were mad. I kept watching you as you worked and you just seemed to ooze confidence, you were actually really nice to everybody except me,” He told her.

Her head snapped in his direction quickly, “No I wasn’t.”

He nodded, a small smile playing on his lips, “You were. I could tell you had this pre conceived notion about me, I mean you just admitted it, but I’ve always known you felt that way about me when you first met me. If I’m honest that’s what attracted me about you.”

“Huh?” She asked confused.

“It was going to be difficult to get you into bed with how you felt about me. I know when I say this I’m going right back to that guy, the pretentious, stuck up asshole but all I had to do was walk down to the foyer of a hotel and take my pick, but by that stage I was bored of that and you were my challenge for Nashville. I actually earned five hundred bucks off Alex because he didn’t think that I would be able to do it,” Nick admitted.

“Are you serious?” She asked and he nodded, “I’m not sure how to take that.” “I’m being honest with you. I was like you though, because an hour into our first date I knew I wanted more then just a one night stand.”

“Why?” She asked.

“You weren’t interested about what I did, you didn’t ask me one question about being in the band, about being in the public eye. You just asked questions about me, about the places I’d been about my likes and dislikes and you had your own opinions. You didn’t agree with everything I liked, you called some of the music I said I liked utter shit, you told me you couldn’t stand football, a lot of the girls I had been out with agreed with everything I said and liked. You’ve never been like that. But the thing I loved most about our first date was how you told me where the bleach and toilet brush were so I could clean the toilet after I put you to bed because of all the barfing,” he laughed.

“I did what?” She asked, all the colour draining from her face, “You’re such a liar, I never told you that.”

He nodded, the smile still etched on his face, “Yeah you did. You told me that the bleach was in the cupboard under the sink and to make sure I cleaned it, flushed it and then cleaned again with the bleach.”

“Oh god I did didn’t I?” She realised, the truth dawning on her making her cheeks flush pink.

“Yep and I’ll never forget your face the next morning when you realised that it was me instead of Rachel,” He laughed.

“Don’t remind me please, I have been trying so hard to repress that,” she groaned.

***

Nick eyed the time on the console in front of him, the bright orange numbers more obvious due to the car being dark. 0000 flashed back at him, they had been on the road for nine hours and even though he had managed to get four hours sleep the tiredness was catching up on him once again. He glanced over to the passenger seat of the car and noticed that Adie was still asleep, the seat reclined back and her feet pushed up on the dash in an effort to get comfortable. She looked so snug, her arms hidden underneath his jacket, that she had draped over herself when she had gotten cold and he wanted nothing more then to snuggle up with her and pretend that this was all some bad dream.

They had switched seats about five hours ago after they had stopped for a bite to eat. Conversation before that had come easy but Nick knew it was only due to the fact that they were remembering happier times, it had become much harder when they had made their way back into the car and the topic of his indiscretion and Mark had reared their ugly heads.

He didn’t miss how her smile turned into a frown as he spoke his last words and he questioned Adie about it, “What? What did I say?”

She sighed as she continued to stare out of the window, “If you knew you wanted to be with me forever at that point in our relationship why did you sleep with that girl two nights later?”

“I didn’t sleep with her,” He reminded, not really knowing why, it wasn’t like what he had done was much better.

“Okay, why did you let her give you a blow job?” She asked bluntly.

“I don’t know, I was angry and drunk and really, really stupid. It shouldn’t have happened and I know that. I realised how badly I hurt you and that was why I changed because I knew if I wanted you in my life I couldn’t be that guy anymore, I couldn’t be the guy who partied every night and got so wasted he couldn’t remember his way home, I couldn’t be the guy to just sleep around. I think that’s where things started to fall apart for us,” He voiced aloud.

“What?” She asked.

“You took me back,” he told her.

“You’re not making any sense,” she told him with a frown.

“From that moment on you compared me to Mark and how he treated you. The trust hasn’t been there for a long time on both sides Adie. We’ve both kept huge things from each other, things we should never have kept from each other. The masks have finally fallen and I don’t think either of us knows who the other is anymore,” he said softly.

“So what does that mean for us?” She asked and he didn’t miss how shaky her voice was.

He shrugged not really knowing what he was trying to get at.

“Do you still love me?”

“Yes.”

“That’s not enough for you is it?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know what is enough. I’m still trying to figure it all out.”

They had both drifted off into silence after that and not ten minutes later he had looked over and found her sleeping. Sleep, that was what he so desperately needed, maybe then all the questions and possibilities floating around in his head would be easier to make sense of, after all tomorrow was a brand new day.

He spotted the signs for a motel and exited the highway quickly. He pulled to a stop just outside the main entrance and hopped out of the car, leaving Adie to sleep while he booked a room and grabbed the keys. He wasn’t sure why he opted for a twin room instead of a double room when asked, maybe sleeping in the same bed as her would feel a tad hypocritical when he still wasn’t sure if there was going to be a relationship by the time they got back to Nashville.

He opened her car door and looked at her for a few moments, it was at times like these when she truly resembled the Adie he remembered, but when her eyes were open, it was like she was a completely different person and he let himself watch her for a little while longer.

“Adie?” He almost whispered and so he wasn’t really surprised when she didn’t flinch. “Adie? It’s time to wake up.”

Her eyes fluttered open with that, and she looked at her surroundings slightly confused before she wiped at her eyes. “You want me to drive?” She yawned.

He shook his head as he answered, “No I got us a motel room.”

“Good,” she told him as she leant her head back again and closed her eyes, “Cause I really didn’t want to drive.”

“C’mon,” he said nodding his head towards the rooms as he moved away from the door so she could get out.

He grabbed both of their holdalls out of the trunk before slamming it shut and locking the car with the remote. Adie was pulling her hair into a ponytail when he walked back round to her side of the car, a frown crossing her face when she took in her surroundings and when she looked at the building before her she bit her lip.

“What?” He asked as he followed her gaze, “I know it’s not five star but it’s a room with a bed.”

“I don’t care that it’s not a five star, I’m just concerned about making it out alive,” She mumbled as she followed him towards the door.

“What?” he asked confused.

“It’s like a shack in the middle of nowhere. I’m having visions of us both being tortured and stabbed to death. Like that film, where they watch the video and realise it’s their room.”

Nick burst out laughing at that, “It’s a film Adie, it’s make believe.”

“You won’t be saying that tomorrow when your dead,” she grumbled as she followed him through the door of the motel room once he had opened it.

“If I’m dead I won’t be saying much of anything, I thought you’d know that being a nurse and all.”

She poked her tongue out at him before saying, “Leave me alone I just woke up. Why didn’t you get a double?”

“Uh…they were out,” he lied quickly. He could tell from the look of dejection on her face that she hadn’t bought it though, but she kept quiet about it.

“Okay,” she said as she unzipped her bag and pulled out her toiletries, “I’m going to take a quick shower.”

***

Nick had hoped with all the travelling that sleep would come quickly, it usually did, but he had too much floating around in his head. Their previous conversation about what was going to be enough causing him the most trouble. He didn’t know what was going to be enough, yes he loved her and yes she loved him but there needed to be more then love. It was all about trust and at that moment he knew that he couldn’t trust her, as much as he wanted to he knew he just couldn’t.

He turned over in his sleep and almost fell out of the bed when he forgot it was a single one. He looked over to Adie, not six feet away from him but she could have been a world away, he actually couldn’t remember a time when they had been together but had slept apart like this, well apart from the very first night that he had spent on her couch. Ever since the second date they had pretty much shared a bed and as he looked over to her he finally understood the meaning of so close yet so far.

He grabbed his watch from the nightstand that separated the beds to see how much time he had wasted with questions he could not answer and when he placed the watch back down, making it scratch across the surface he heard her sharp in take of breath.

“What was that?” She asked.

“The murderer standing beside your bed sharpening his knife,” He deadpanned.

“I can’t believe you said that. How guilty would you feel in the morning if you woke up to find me dead?” She asked indignantly.

“Why would a murderer kill you and leave me alive?” he asked.

“I don’t know maybe he’s anti feminist, maybe it’s one of your gay fans who wants to get rid of me so he can have you all to himself.”

“Seriously Babe, you need to lay off the crazy juice.”

They fell back into silence once again but a few seconds later he heard ask the same question, “What was that?”

He sighed, “What was what?”

“That.” He listened but couldn’t hear anything.

“It’s the clogs of your over active imagination working double time. Go to sleep or I might have to kill you,” he told her as he turned over in bed again.

He closed his eyes and was just drifting off when he heard her sharp in take of breath again and he quickly threw back the covers and walked over to her bed.

“What are you doing?” She asked as she sat up in the darkness.

“Move over,” he told her as he pulled back the covers of her bed.

“What?” She asked.

“Move over,” he told her again as he climbed into the bed beside her. She let him get comfortable before laying beside him in the single bed, her head slowly edging its way onto his shoulder as his arm wrapped around her waist.

“There I’ll protect you from the murderers.”

“I’ll hang my feet off the edge of the bed so the gremlins get my toes and not yours,” she giggled.

“Oh shut up,” he grumbled as he closed his eyes. She wrapped her arm around him as she nestled her head into his shoulder,

“I won’t let anybody hurt you.”

Nobody could hurt me like you have anyway, Nick thought to himself.

So empty can’t feel no more

As I’m left with my tears on the floor I wait for my heart to mend

But you keep tearing a hole

Inside I’m so lost

In the middle of my heart

Is a battlefield of love

I’ve been fighting for to long

And now I’m shattered

From the chip in my heart, kept taking it till it broke

Oh how it hurt

But it slipped from your hand, hit the ground and now it’s shattered

Oh so shattered

Can’t believe it was me, I’m so shattered

So shattered

Can’t believe you and me 

What am I still here for

Could it be that I’m just waiting

Hoping you’d rescue me And put the pieces together again

 You took my emotions

And scattered them on the ground

So hard to just pick up

And move on with my life

Song Credits: Backstreet Boys - Shattered