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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for being so patient! Things have been really hectic lately with moving and work! You guys only have this chapter because I had to wait for a delivery from Ikea today! But here it is!

Nick could feel hands trailing over his chest, the soft kisses dipping to his neck from where they had been on his cheek and he sighed in anticipation. Her skin felt so soft against his, so warm and when he was a bit more awake he let his hands trail her body, his hands finally resting on her hips so he could settle her on top of him. He opened his eyes and smiled up at her, her long hair cascading forward and tickling his face as she leant in to kiss him.

It felt so good to have her back in his arms again, rather then waking up in a cold sweat from a dream he had had to find the bed empty and he gently let his hands trail under the t-shirt she was wearing to caress the skin on her back.

She was first to break the kiss and when she smiled down at him again she said, “Morning.” He didn’t say anything back, just placed one of his hands to the back of her head as he pulled her to his mouth again, his tongue finding hers quickly. He moved his hips up against hers and groaned at the friction it caused but it was when her hands traced the top of his boxers that he realised what he was doing, and he realised if he continued it would be a huge mistake.

He pulled away from the kiss quickly, his hand coming to rest on top of hers as he told her to “Stop.”

“What?” she asked, throwing him a sexy smirk as she sat up slightly, her other hand stroking him through the fabric of his boxers.

 “I can’t,” he told her as he shook his head and also sat up slightly.

“You feel like you can,” she told him huskily as she smirked.

He shook his head again, his hands grabbing hers as he told her, “I can’t do this.”

Adie stared at him for a short moment before climbing off of him with a small sigh, her hand running through her messy hair to try and tame it.

Nick rested back against the headboard of the bed, before he told her, “I can’t be with you like that until we know what we want.”

“I know what I want, I know I want to be with you, it’s you whose unsure. I love you, I was trying to show you that, I was trying to make up for the other night,” she told him softly.

“We can’t use sex to solve our problems,” he said shaking his head at her.

“I wasn’t trying to do that. I just wanted to feel close to you again,” She admitted her gaze dropping to her hands with her words.

Nick shook his head again as he told Adie, “Well I can’t do that, I can’t be…it would be like pretending everything is okay for a while and its not.”

“Yeah I know that but I don’t know what you want from me,” she said her eyes lifting so she could look at his.

“I want my Adie back, I want to go back three years to when we were happy,” he told her softly.

“Back to when we had our game faces on? Back to when we were repressing everything? You really want that?” She asked with a frown. “I’m not the Adie you met three years ago but you’re not the same guy I met three years ago either. I still love you though, but this is me now, this complete mess in front of you well she’s the real me and I need to know whether you can love her as much as you loved the Adie you fell in love with three years ago because if you can’t then what the hell are we doing?”

“It’s never been about not loving you Adie, if I didn’t love you then I wouldn’t be here, if I didn’t love you then I wouldn’t be feeling the way that I am,” his voice almost dropping to a whisper, his eyes focusing on the door to the bathroom rather then hers.

“How do you feel?” She asked.

“I’ve told you how I feel,” He mumbled.

“No you haven’t, you’ve told me how you felt, past tense, you’ve told me how you felt when I left you haven’t told me how you feel now. So right now, how do you feel right now? What’s going through your head?” She asked.

He was quiet for a few moments, he wasn’t sure how he could put into words how he was feeling, he had so many different emotions coursing through his body that just trying to pin point one to describe to her was giving him a headache. He just felt so tired when he thought about any of it and that was exactly what he told her.

“I’m tired. I feel completely drained and I’m still no closer to knowing what I want, I still don’t know whether I want to be with you and it’s tearing me apart. It’s tearing everything part.”

“It was torn apart a long time ago.”

“So can we even fix it? If we’re that broken is there anything left to salvage?” He asked wanting desperately to know her view on it, then again if she didn’t think they could fix things she wouldn’t have convinced him to come on the road trip.

“You know my Dad had this saying when Rachel and I were growing up. If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again,“ she told him and he almost flinched when he felt her hand find its way into his. “I want to keep trying until we get this right and considering the law of averages we should be able to do that and one time is all we need, ,this is our time to fix things.”

“You really believe that?” He asked his eyes meeting hers.

“I have to believe it. I have to believe because being with you but not being with you is tearing me apart,” He saw the tears start to well up in her eyes and heard her voice crack slightly, but she managed to keep it together so she could continue. “You know I woke up this morning with your arms wrapped around me and for a minute I forgot about all the bad stuff, for a minute I felt like I did when we were first together, I felt safe and loved and excited about all the possibilities that were in front of us. I want to be with you, I want to be with you sixty years down the line when neither of us can remember what day it is, or that the remote control doesn’t live in the refrigerator.”

That made him laugh out loud.

“The only question here is whether you still want that too? Did you ever want it?” She asked and the smile faded from his face as a soft sigh escaped his lips.

“I tried to convince myself I didn’t. The way things were with my family…I promised myself I would never let it happen again and I knew the only way I could do that was to not get married, to not have a family, to not get into a serious relationship with someone,” He admitted.

“So what changed?” She asked as her head titled to the left slightly.

“Everybody around me started growing up, getting married and having kids and they were happy, they weren’t like my family was. I don’t want to be lonely Adie, I’ve been surrounded by these guys ever since I was twelve years old, they’re my brothers and I know they will always be there when the fame fades but they’ve got families of their own now, its not like it was when we first started out. I looked at how happy Kevin and Brian are and how happy Howie is and I realised I wanted that, I thought Paris was that for me, I thought she understood and that it would be easier because she was always in the spotlight but that was a huge mistake. Then I met you. I used to gag and roll my eyes when the rest of the fellas would say that “they knew” as soon as they saw their wives, I didn’t believe it but then I met you and I knew. I knew we were supposed to be together, I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly and I still can’t but it’s there, its always been there,” He told her sincerely.

“Then why are you pulling away from me?” She asked.

“I look at us, at how we are now, it’s not supposed to be this way,” he told her with a shake of his head, his eyes focusing on the world just outside the window.

“No relationship can be happy and problem free forever,” Adie reminded.

His eyes snapped back to hers, “I know that, trust me I know that but I just…why did this have to happen? We were working through things, we were going to have a baby, we were going to be a family, I was excited and I was happy. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve having it all ripped away. I don’t think we’re bad people, compared to a lot of others out there.”

Adie frowned at his choice of words before replying, “I don’t think its about that Nick. Bad things happen to good people, I see it all the time. Sometimes things just happen for no good reason and we have to get through them, no matter how hard they are. But we can get through it, if we both want to we can make it through this.” She grabbed his hand in hers as she continued, “We just have to be open with each other, we have to be really honest and not hold anything back, no matter how much it might hurt the other person to hear it. You might make me cry but I’ll get over it Nick, but if you don’t tell me the things you keep holding inside, the things I’ve done or do that really piss you off, that really hurt you then that resentment is going to fester and it’s going to get so big that it’s going to eat our relationship and there really will be nothing left to salvage.”

“That’s exactly what my Mom said.”

“Your Mom?” Adie asked, unable to hide her shock at his admission.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I went to see her.”

“When?” “After you left for Nepal I had to get away too so I went to Florida. The whole time I was there I just kept thinking about how I would give anything to have Molly with me, to watch her grow up and it made me wonder how my Mom felt. I can’t have what I want with Molly and I know how badly that hurts but I’m still here and so is my Mom. No matter what happened in the past she’s still my Mom,” he mumbled his eyes focusing on the comforter beneath them.

“Have you seen her since?” She asked.

He shook his head, “No, but I’ve spoken to her on the phone a few times.”

“That’s really good. It’s good that you’re working on that,” she told him and even though Nick was still not looking at her he could hear the smile in her words.

They were both silent for a while but Nick knew he had to be honest with Adie, he knew she was right, that his Mom was right. He had to get it all out because if he didn’t it was just going to eat away at him, the resentment would find it’s way out in small bursts and it would just make them fall apart slowly. If he got it all out now at least he would know if she would be able to deal with it, at least things wouldn’t be dragged out.

“I hate that I find it so hard to show my emotion in front you, I hate that you’ve taken all my trust and thrown it away, I hate that I love you as much as I do,” he admitted.

“Do you regret meeting me?” She asked shakily, her hand remaining wrapped around his.

Again he answered truthfully, “I don’t know. We had eighteen good months, followed by eighteen months that have sucked beyond fucking belief.”

“So if we follow that pattern it means we’ve got eighteen months of good times in front of us,” she said brightly but he soon took the smile off her face.

“Yeah followed by another eighteen crap months, I can’t do that again, there’s no way I ever want to feel like this again. I look at you…you make me feel so angry Adie,” he told her bitterly and that was why he was so shocked at her answer.

“But you have every right to be angry with me Nick. I’ve been completely selfish and I didn’t realise for a long time, my Dad had to comfort me a day after he had his heart attack. That’s not right Nick, I should have been there supporting him through that, I should have supported you through loosing Molly but I didn’t and trust me I will regret that for the rest of my life.”

He shook his head, “I’m not angry at you for that…No I am angry at you for that but I let you get away with it so I’m angry at myself too. I’m angry I can’t be completely venerable in front of you, I hate that the only way I can show emotion, that the only way I can communicate how I feel is through being aggressive. I hate the guy I become when that happens, I close my eyes and I can see your face when I punched the door. You were completely petrified off me weren’t you?”

She looked at him for a few moments and nodded her head in agreement. He tore his eyes away from hers because he hated the look in her eyes, he hated being the person that made her scared, he was supposed to be the person she felt safe with.

“I don’t want you to be scared of me Adie,” He whispered.

“I’m not scared of you,” she told him as she squeezed his hand, “I know you would never hurt me like that.”

He shook his head in disagreement, “You don’t know how close I came that day Adie. I think back to it and I hate myself for it, an inch and my hand wouldn’t be the only thing that’s bruised.”

“But you didn’t do it, you hit the door not me,” she reasoned.

“What’s to say it won’t be you the next time I get like that?” He questioned.

“Because of the way you’re talking about it now, because of the look in your eyes now, because of the remorse you feel about the other day. I know you would never hurt me in that way,” she told him firmly but he still didn’t believe her, he still had the doubt in his mind and it just wouldn’t budge.

He hated that guy, he hated that part of himself, the aggression wasn’t about power it was about protecting himself, if he lashed out people usually backed off. That was how it had all started, he would be upset over something but instead of speaking to someone about it, instead of crying and letting the emotion out that way, instead of taking someone’s help when they offered it the voice in the back of his head would tell him to “Suck it up.”

That voice belonged to his Father.

September 1988

Nick sighed in relief when he rounded the corner to the street on where his house was situated, Tommy and his cronies never followed him down his own street, it was too much of a risk that they would get caught. Yet Nick still kept up his fast pace, eager to get inside the house where he knew he would be safe, where he would finally be happy for the rest of the day. That was until he noticed that his Mother’s car was not there, that only meant one thing, his Dad was home and when Nick swung his back pack off his shoulder, the large slash through it appearing in his eye line, he knew his father was not going to be best pleased.

He had only been back at school for a week and his backpack was already ruined, Tommy’s right hand guy, slashing it with the pocket knife he had stolen from his older brother, whilst Nick had watched on, to scared to try and grab the bag back. If his Mom had been home, she would have told him not to worry, it would have been fixed within an hour or she would have gone to the store and bought him a replacement, reassuring him that when he was some big super star, Tommy would be begging to be his friend.

At the time he didn’t realise how true that comment would become.

Nick’s hopes of sneaking up the stairs to stash the bag were blown when his Father was in the hallway replacing a light bulb. Nick smiled his hello at his Dad as he tried to rush past him but his behaviour was obviously conspicuous and Bob quickly noticed the ripped bag.

“What happened?” He questioned.

Nick shrugged, “I guess I snagged it on something.”

“That’s not been snagged, it’s been sliced. It was those boys wasn’t it?”

Nick nodded solemnly, the tears starting to well up in his eyes.

Bob sighed loudly and with a shake of his head told Nick, “Don’t you dare cry. You’re almost nine years old, act like a man.”

“But they always pick on me,” Nick mumbled, fighting hard to stop the tears from falling.

“Well then you fight back,” Bob told him.

“But they’re bigger then I am.”

“You suck it up and you fight back.”

Nick had never forgotten that day, he had never forgotten the look of disappointment in his Father’s eyes and he remembered the very next day at school, he remembered taking his Father’s advice, he remembered sucking up the fear, sucking up the emotion and he remembered how much his hand had hurt when it had connected with Tommy’s nose.

 He also remembered how good it had felt, and how after that Tommy had never gone near him again. That was what his aggression was about, it wasn’t about controlling people, it was about pushing them away when the got too close and that was why he was so scared about hurting Adie, because she was the only girlfriend who had ever got this close to him.

He could feel the tears in his eyes again and he knew he had to get away from her and so he stood abruptly, took his hand out of her and announced, “I’m going to take a shower.”

He only made it two steps before he heard Adie’s voice, the strong tinge of disappointment evident, “You’re doing it again Nick.”

“Doing what?” He questioned even though it was quite clear what she meant, that was another defence mechanism of his.

“Pulling away from me. I can see the tears in your eyes, all you have to do is let them out, I’m not going to think your weak just because of a few tears.”

He was glad that he had kept his back to her because the first of his tears fell silently as he made his excuse, “We have to check out in an hour, we’ve still got a long drive ahead of us.”

“This is the trait I hate about you.”

“What?” He asked as he stepped into the bathroom, but again he didn’t turn to face her.

“You get so close and then you walk away or change the subject. We both know you are only going in that bathroom because the sound of the water running in enough to drown out the sounds of your tears, it’s the perfect place to fool yourself because you know it’s not the tears making your face wet, it’s just the water from the spray.”

“I just want to get back on the road Adie, if we leave within an hour we might even make it back home by tonight,” He replied as he walked further into the bathroom and shut the door, the tears falling silently down his face.

He was just as guilty as she was, he hid from everything, he didn’t know how to deal with the emotions that were wracking through his body, through his mind and all he wanted to do was punch the crap out of something and that wasn’t right. It wouldn’t solve anything, not in the long term anyway, to truly get over his emotions he needed to talk through them, but it meant unleashing things he had repressed for years, it meant going against everything he had been taught. Men don’t cry, men are strong, well he was sick of that but he was also sick of everyone being disappointed in him, he was sick of being disappointed in himself.

He jumped when he heard the light knock on the bathroom door and he quickly wiped his face, knowing that if she decided to walk in she would instantly knew he had been crying. He shook his head at himself, who was he trying to kid? She already knew that was what he was doing anyway, she had called him out on it not five minutes earlier.

“I’m going to the diner to get a coffee, you want one?” She asked softly.

“No, I’m good,” he replied somewhat shakily.

“You sure?” She asked and he knew it was a question with a double meaning.

“Yeah,” he lied. He heard her move around the room on the other side of the door, heard the door creak open and then bang shut and when after a few seconds there was silence he turned on the shower and he did exactly what she said he would do, he used to sound of the water to drown out the sound of his crying.

***

Adie glanced down at her watch, she had left the motel room at eight, the face of the watch was telling her it was eight thirty, half an hour should have been enough time for him to cry, to get his emotions under control because she knew that was what he was doing. She hated it but she knew she needed to give him that space, this once anyway, she couldn’t expect him to let his guard down completely within a matter of hours but she was going to continue to remind him about it and if he thought he was going to be able to play the same card again tomorrow, he was going to be sorely mistaken.

Adie downed the last few dregs of the bitter coffee before smiling to the waitress and hopping off the bar stool. She made her way out of the dinner and walked the few hundred yards to the room they had stayed in the night before. She had expected Nick to be waiting for her on the other side of the door, so when he wasn’t sat on the bed, when the bathroom door remained closed, she was a little surprised. She edged her way towards the bathroom, trying to make out of he was just finishing up, maybe he was just brushing his teeth? The water was still definitely running and it wasn’t from a faucet, it was too loud and too powerful, it could only be coming from a shower head, yet that was the only sound she could hear. She was just about to walk away, figuring he hadn’t quite finished when she heard a sound that broke her heart.

It had been a choked sob and Adie had bit her bottom lip to stop her own tears from falling because it sounded as if his whole world had fallen apart. She stared at the door for thirty seconds contemplating on letting him have the privacy he had so desperately wanted earlier, but when she heard the sound again she knew she couldn’t leave him to cry on his own.

“Nick?” She asked softly as she pushed the door open, frowning when she felt some resistance but when she looked to see what it was she felt her heart break for him even more. She could make out his leg but the gap was to small to get the rest of her body through, he had obviously sat himself against the bath, his long legs stretching out before him, what was more unexpected was how erratic his breathing was.

She pushed on the door a bit harder, it caused him to move his leg slightly and it was just enough to enable her to squeeze through the small gap in the door. Adie looked down to him, his eyes were so puffy from all the tears they were practically swollen shut, his face was pale, he looked clammy and every so often a sob would escape his mouth. She leant down so she was in his line of sight, his name rolling off her tongue and when he finally looked at her she could see the panic in his eyes. He gasped for more air and she noticed the grip he had on a towel tightening making his knuckles turn even whiter.

“C..can’t..b…b…bre….brea…breath,” He managed to gasp out.

She nodded her head, “I know baby, I know.” She sat down next to him, taking her hand in his as she scanned the room for a paper bag but she came up short and she knew there wouldn’t be one in the other room, the dinner would definitely have one but it meant leaving him which would only escalate things. She felt him grip her hand and turned her head quickly back to his.

“Ch…est…tig…tight.”

“Do you feel like you’ve got pins and needles in your hands?” She asked and he nodded, confirming what she already knew. “You’re having an anxiety attack. You need to calm down and take a few deep breaths for me okay?”

He shook his head, “Ca..ca..can’t.”

“Yes you can, you just have to try, deep breath in through your nose,” Adie demonstrated, “and then let it out slowly.” He tried a few times before giving up, his hand squeezing hers so tightly it made her wince in pain.

“Nick,” she tried to get his attention but he had closed his eyes, “Nicky don’t close your eyes, you can do this, come on deep breath in and release it slowly.”

“Ca..can’t” He chocked out. “Hos…hos…pit.”

“Hospital is not going to help, there’s not a pill for this, no medicine that’s going to make you stop. You just need to get your breathing under control,” she told him firmly as she managed to squeeze herself behind him so that her back was against the bath tub, his back resting against her. She tried to pull her hand from his but he kept a firm grip and so she bought both of them up to his chest and held them there. “In,” she said as she pushed slightly on his chest to mimic the action of taking a big breath in, “out,” she told him releasing the pressure of their hands.

It took nearly ten minutes but eventually his breathing pattern matched hers. Adie kept reminding him for a further five minutes that he needed to “breath in,” and, “now release it slowly, and again, in and back out again.”

The room was then plunged into quietness, save for the water hitting the surface of the bath from the shower that continued to run and Adie blew out of her mouth to try and cool herself down from the warmth that was spreading rapidly throughout her body. Her legs were kind of going dead, her back was aching and her hands hurt like hell from the death grip Nick still had on them and although she wanted to move, she didn’t. She just sat and held him.

She placed a small kiss to the side of his head before she whispered, “Are you okay?” He shook his head no and his body silently shook for a few seconds before any sound escaped but when it did it tore through Adie’s heart, it made her want to cry with him, for him but it wasn’t her turn.

It was her turn to be strong for him.

She tightened her grip around him, kissed his head again and again, and just told him, “Everything is going to be okay. I promise it’s going to be okay.”

 

A Storm is coming

But I don’t mind

People are dying

I close my blinds

All that I know is I’m breathing

 

I want to change the world

Instead I sleep I want to believe in more

Then you and me

All that I know is I’m breathing

All I can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing

Now

Now

Now

 

All that I know is I’m breathing

All I can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing

Song Credits: Ingrid Michelson - Keep Breathing

 

 

Chapter End Notes:
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