The road was straight, long, showed no signs of ever ending, and with Nick’s rhythmic snoring, Adie found herself extremely bored. It didn’t help that her IPOD connecter had, for some unknown reason, died on her and now she was at the mercy of whatever the DJ at the radio station decided to play. When he announced some cheesy song about love and heartache, she moaned out loud, before reaching forward and turning the radio completely off. She took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, the silence welcoming, until Nick’s snoring seemed to increase. She rolled her eyes as she looked over to him.

His head was resting against the door window, every time they would go over a bump or hit a small pot hole in the road, it would bang against it and Adie wondered how he remained asleep. His mouth was hanging open, soft snores escaping his mouth, and she knew that there would be a small trail of dribble, working its way down the other side of his face. That wasn’t what she focused on though, because even in sleep he looked completely drained, his eyes remained puffy from earlier that morning, and large bags hung underneath them. All Adie wanted to do was wrap her arms around him again, tell him again that everything was going to be okay but she resisted and carried on driving, her mind wandering back to what had happened not only four hours before.

It had been twenty minutes since Nick’s breathing had returned to a somewhat regular pattern and his tears had slowed down to the occasional hiccup but the pair had remained sat in their original position, against the bath tub. It was only when the cramp started to become to much to bare that Adie spoke.

“Sweetie, I’m gona have to move, my butt is numb and my legs are headed that way to,” she told him softly before placing a small kiss to the side of his head. If it wasn’t for his movement Adie wouldn’t have been sure that he had even heard her, but he pushed himself up from the floor, wiped at his eyes and then held his hand out to help her up.

“Just give me ten minutes and I’ll be ready to go,” He mumbled.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Adie told him, wincing as she began to walk.

“We need to get home,” He mumbled as he threw some cold water on his face from the sink. She reached behind the shower curtain and switched off the still running water before she answered him.

“Why? Why do we need to get home? We don’t have any plans, its not like we have to get back for work, so what’s an extra day?” Nick didn’t say anything to her as he placed some tooth paste on his tooth brush. “Do what you have to do in here and I’ll be in the other room okay?” She said as she walked out of the door and closed it softly behind her.

She looked around the room and began to pack away some of their things, sighing in frustration when she picked up Nick’s back pack not realising it had been undone, causing most of the things that were in it to cascade out around her feet. Adie knelt down and picked up the items that had fallen out, the curiosity getting the better of her when she saw a small zip lock bag sticking out of the top of the book that he was reading. She pulled at the small part that was sticking out and ended up bringing something else with it and as soon as she realised what it was she closed her eyes and let out her breath slowly, the only way she knew she would be able to contain her tears. When she opened her eyes and looked down at the photo she let out another breath she didn’t realise she had been holding.

Molly had been so tiny, yet she didn’t resemble that of a normal looking preemie, but Adie wasn’t sure whether it was just because Molly was hers that made her feel that way. Preemies that young always freaked Adie out, a lot of them resembled what she thought Aliens would look like, their elongated heads dwarfing their tiny bodies and from her first day as a student Adie had made her mind up that she would never be a neonatal nurse. She continued to stare at the picture for a few more moments and when she closed her eyes it was almost as if she was back in that cold sterile room, the silence wrapping around her like icy fingers. The handle of the door to the bathroom creaking pulled her from her thoughts quickly and she stuffed the picture back into the book along with the lock of hair in the small bag, before she got up off the floor.

Nick made his way out of the bathroom and placed his toiletry bag into the large holdall that was on one of the beds. He zipped up the holdall and placed it by the door of the room. He didn’t even turn to face her when he asked, “Are you ready?”

“No,” she told him.

“I’ll wait in the car for you,” he said back as he picked up the bag he had just dropped to the floor before reaching for the handle of the door.

“I told you in the bathroom, we have nothing to get back for, so what’s the rush?”

“I’ll wait in the car for you,” he repeated as he walked through the door.

Adie watched him leave, she watched as he threw the bag into the trunk of the car, watched as he sat in the drivers seat, his expression never changing. Not that she could see his eyes, the large shades doing an excellent job at hiding them. She took a seat on the bed and folded her arms across her chest, she didn’t want to leave, she wanted to sit with him, to talk out what had just happened because anxiety attacks didn’t just come on for no good reason. She was going to stand her ground and they were going to talk about it, and she wasn’t going to leave until they had. The honking of the car horn made her jump slightly, yet it wasn’t enough to make her move and she was tempted to not answer her cell phone when it began to chime but after the forth ring she did.

“Are you coming?” He asked gruffly.

“Why are you in such a hurry to leave?” She asked as she made her way towards the door so she could look out at him.

“Because I want to get home,” he answered monotonically.

“Why?” She questioned as she leant against the door frame staring out at him but he remained where he was, sat face forward in the drivers seat of the rented car.

“Because,” he bit back angrily.

“That’s a great argument,” Adie replied sarcastically.

“Are you coming or not?” He asked still facing forward in the car.

“No,” she said defiantly the frustration inside of her building when he hung up and started the engine of the car. She quickly made her way outside and over to the car just as he was preparing to pull away and opened the drivers door.

“Shut the door,” he told her firmly, not even turning his face to look at her.

“So what are you just going to leave me here? You’re just going to abandon me?” She asked, knowing instantly what his reply was going to be.

“Just giving you a taste of your own medicine.”

“Can you please just come back inside so we can sit and talk?” She asked softly.

“I’m through with talking.”

“You’re through with talking or you’re through with finally letting me in?” She asked, not missing how his jaw seemed to clench at her words. She knew that was what it was really about, part of the wall he had built up had fallen, even if it was only for a second, and Nick had finally shown her a part of himself that he had tried so hard to keep secret. Now he was regrouping, by not talking, by not looking at her he was rebuilding those walls again but this time he wouldn’t succeed, Adie was going to make sure that he didn’t. Yet she was going to have to tread very carefully, because one wrong move could make him shut off completely and that was why she conceded to his wishes of leaving, after all how could she prevent him from rebuilding his walls if he left her at the motel?

“Can you give me five minutes to get my stuff?” She asked.

***

Nick had hoped that he could fane sleep most of the way, at least until it was his turn to drive, because if luck was on his side then she would be so tired from all the driving that she would fall asleep and then he could avoid conversation again. He wasn’t sure why he had waited for her, he wasn’t even sure why he had agreed to the whole road trip because back in Vegas he had been so sure that the relationship was over. If someone could make you so angry that all you wanted to do was punch them, was it right to stay with them? If unhappiness was all you could really remember with that person, if grief was the only common emotion that you both shared was it worth all the heartache in staying with them? That was what he was trying to figure out, because not being with Adie was heartache in its self and he was so sick of feeling like he would never be happy again.

“I know you’re awake,” he heard Adie’s voice softly say, breaking him from his thoughts.

“No I’m not,” he sighed as he kept his eyes closed.

“You’re not snoring anymore and you just answered me Nick so I know you’re awake.”

“I don’t snore,” he told her firmly, crossing his arms over his chest, he moved his head, wincing when it began to ache. God he was getting old, there had been a time when he was able to sleep anywhere, that was the part they didn’t teach you at fame school, it wasn’t always plush hotels, more often then not you grabbed sleep where and when you could get it, even if it meant sleeping on the floor backstage.

“Uh yeah you do, loud enough for the whole of Kansas to hear you and we’re still a few hours away yet,” she told him.

“At least I don’t scare people half to death by screaming at the top of my lungs for no good reason when I’m asleep,” he threw back and even though he still had his eyes shut, he knew she would be smiling at the memory.

“That was like one time,” she reminded, “Are you okay?” He misread her question, figured she was asking because he had taken to incessantly massaging the his neck to try and relieve some of the ache from it.

“Just a crick in my neck from where I’ve been laying funny.”

“I wasn’t talking about your neck,” she told him. He dropped his hand to his side and stared out from the window in front of him, not being able to see that much because the sky was dark and the rain had begun to pound on the glass.

“I’m fine.”

“Liar.”

“I’m fine,” he insisted again.

“You smell that?” She asked taking a long sniff from the air, making Nick copy her, frowning when he smelt nothing.

“Smell what?”

“Smoke?” She asked but before he could answer she sarcastically added, “Oh sorry it’s because somebody’s pants are on fire!”

He would have laughed if he remembered how to but all he did was roll his eyes at her comment and continue to stare out of the window in front of him, no sound resonating from his lips. He hated feeling the way he was, he hated not knowing if things were ever going to get better, yet he couldn’t believe that they would, he couldn’t believe in the good old light at the end of the tunnel because the way his life had been, he was still in that tunnel, the only lights he had ever seen from passing trains, quick glimpses of what happiness could be like.

Adie snapped him from his thoughts again, “You look stupid with your sunglasses on.”

“What?” He asked.

“It’s pouring with rain Nick, the sky is practically black and you’re wearing sunglasses,” she pointed out.

“So?”

“I’m just saying you look stupid,” She grumbled, her eyes fixed on the road ahead of them.

“Yeah well, your voice is hurting my ears,” he bit back, hoping she would take the hint and for a few minutes she was silent. It didn’t last long.

“Do you really think that by saying that you’re going to get me to stop talking?” She almost laughed. “You know now that you’ve said it I’m just going to keep rambling right? I’ve been sat in silence for the past five hours while you’ve been asleep only you were only really asleep for the past four and half. I don’t know why you tried to pretend, you stopped snoring, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re awake and I can’t believe you still have those stupid sunglasses on. Wearing sunglasses when it’s dark or in the house doesn’t make you cool, I know Alex does it but I’ve told him he looks like a tool when he does and he has nice eyes, he shouldn’t hide them, just like you have nice eyes.”

“Have you taken something or smoked something while I was asleep?” He asked when she finally came up for air.

“Five hours is a long time for someone to be quiet Nick, and if you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine but I’m going to keep talking because I can’t handle anymore silence.”

“Then put the radio on,” he told her as he pointed to the middle console.

“It’s busted, can’t pick up anything in the storm and my IPOD’s screwed,” Adie told him.

“Wonderful,” he added sarcastically.

“You look really stupid with those sunglasses on,” she repeated again and so he quickly yanked them from his face and threw them lightly at her, the black pair of ray bands landing in her lap. Her face snapped to his but he kept his eyes forward, “Did you just throw them at me?”

“They’re off aren’t that? That’s what you wanted.”

“I want you to talk to me too, are you going to do that now?” She asked cockily.

 Nick turned his head to look out of the passenger side window and rolled his eyes at her childish games. He wasn’t in the mood for talking, he wasn’t in the mood for anything and he just hoped that she realised that sooner rather then later.

“Oh so now you’re going to give me the silent treatment?,” She asked.

He didn’t move an inch.

“Really don’t think it a bit immature?”

No what’s immature is this stupid game to try and get me to talk, Nick thought to himself.

“The Tampa Bucs suck,” she said leaving a short gap so he could retaliate. “What no reaction? Okay, no matter how much you say you’re a vocal harmony group you really are just a boy band.”

Nick was not going to let himself be drawn in to her petty little game, in the past he would have been, in the past he would have either fought back or cracked a smile at the ridiculous comment she would have made about him or his career but he was so drained it was just easier to keep quiet.

“Wow you really are giving me the silent treatment. You suck in bed, I always fake my orgasms with you.”

She laughed so much at that comment that he knew it was a complete fabrication yet he couldn’t laugh with her, he couldn’t tell her that he knew it was untrue, in the past he would have made her pull over and would have proven to her that the comment was a fabrication. Her voice broke the silence yet again, yet this time it wasn’t happy, it wasn’t full of playful comments, this time it was low and sad.

“This is how I know you’re not okay Nick, you’re not arguing with me, you’re not laughing at me, you won’t even look at me.”

He felt the car slow and pull over and when the noise of the engine stopped he asked “What are you doing?”

“Look at me,” was all Adie said.

He sighed deeply, throwing his hands up in exasperation “Can you just stop with all of this.”

“No, not until you look at me.”

He defiantly turned his head in the complete opposite direction and although he heard her unclip the seatbelt that had been restraining her, he wasn’t quick enough to dodge her hands when the wrapped around his cheeks, moving his face so he was looking at her.

“Look at me,” she told him again and when he focused on her concerned chocolate eyes he felt the emotion he had been trying to repress start to bubble to the surface again, “Baby why won’t you let me in?”

He had been so close to breaking down again, Adie could see it in his eyes but at the very last second he had he had managed to shut off from her and Adie had never seen him move so fast but before she knew it he was already ten passes away from the car. She sighed heavily as she threw her own door open, the cold rain hitting her skin causing the goose bumps to appear quickly.

“Nick!” She called as a clap of thunder rang out in the distance, “NICK!”

He carried on walking as he yelled back, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“What are you going to do? Walk home?” She called after him.

“If I want to then yeah, what the hell does it matter to you?”

“Then I’m going to walk to,” she told him firmly when she finally caught up to him and walked by his side.

“Just get back in the car Adie,” he spat with a sideways glance down to her.

Adie managed to make her way in front of him but he was so determined to keep on moving that she had to walk backwards for a few paces, the rain hitting her face so hard that it had begun to sting and she knew she wasn’t the only one who was cold because he was practically shivering in front of her. That was why she knew she had to get him back in the car, before they both caught pneumonia, and so she placed her hands firmly on his chest and made him stop in his tracks.

“No, No I won’t get back in the car, I told you in Vegas, this is my time to fight for us, it’s my turn. So if fighting for us means walking home then I’ll do it, if it means catching pneumonia from walking in this freezing rain then so be it, if get struck by lightning because I am walking in the middle of a freaking storm to fight for us who cares? Because I am not giving up on us, not again.” She almost shrieked as she shook her head. “Aaron told me that someone once told him if you want something, if you truly believe in something then it’s worth fighting for and I think the guy who told him that was pretty smart. So I am not going to give up and no matter how long it takes, no matter how much it hurts I will break down every single wall you have built, even if I have to do it brick by brick. When it happens, I’m going to be there for you and when it happens I am not going to judge you because anything you’ve done or had done to you has made you into the Nick that I love. Now I am going to get back in that car because it’s fucking freezing out here and we both know that you’re not going to walk home so when you’re ready that where I’ll be.”

She did exactly what she said and jogged quickly back to the car to try and get warm again. She held her hands over the heater as she watched him. He stood almost stock still for five minutes but eventually he must have realised that walking home was actually not that feasible, not in the pouring rain that showed no sign of let up anyway, and he made his way back into the car. His hair was dripping wet as was pretty much the rest of his body, but that wasn’t the most concerning thing to Adie, it was the completely lost look in his eyes. Nick’s eyes had always been full of energy, they sparkled when he laughed, and you could always tell when he was up to something but now, now they just looked empty. She had to help him get the sparkle back but as she started the engine she said the worst thing possible and she knew before the entire sentence left her mouth that it had been a mistake.

“I guess this counts as a brick.”

He flew out the car, quicker then it took her to blink an eye and again she followed into the harsh weather, yet this time he only made it to the front of the car before he stopped when she spoke again, her voice raised because of the now swirling wind around them.

“Why is it so hard for you?”

“Because you wouldn’t understand,” He told her with a shake of his head.

“What is there to not understand? You’re sad because we lost Molly, it’s okay to be sad about that Nick, it deserves tears, I don’t know who told you that showing emotion was showing weakness but they were wrong. We lost a child Ni-”

He cut her off angrily, pointing an accusing finger at her, “No don’t you dare tell me it’s okay to grieve, I seem to remember you telling me it was none of my god damned business when I tried to help you, so don’t you dare try and tell me how to grieve. You know what it’s not even about that, this is about you and how when things get tough you always fucking run!”

“So all of this is about me leaving again? All of this is about how messed up our relationship is? None of it is about the baby we buried three months ago? I find that really hard to believe. You hid your grief Nick, you hid your grief because I was selfish I didn’t think anybody could be hurting as much as I was over loosing Molly, I fell apart and I made you be strong for me, I made you hide your emotions from me and that was wrong. I’m sorry it took me so long to realise that, I’m sorry it took me going away to realise that. But I’m here now.”

“Well you’re too late because I’ve made my peace with it, I’ve done my grieving and I’m not up for the whole grieving together thing because I’m over it.”

“Over it?” Adie asked, not being ale to cover the hurt that the question vocalised.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I can’t dwell on it. She’s gone and nothing is going to change that, tears aren’t going to bring her back, felling sad isn’t going to bring her back, I have to move on, WE have to move on.”

“So you’re over it?” She asked again.

“Yeah.” He couldn’t met her eyes, his voice was shaky, there was no conviction to his words and that was how Adie knew that Nick was lying. He was lying to try and protect himself from having to show that emotion.

“I don’t believe you.” She told him with a shake of her head.

“Loosing Molly is something I don’t think I’ll ever get over, so how can you be completely over it within three months? If you’re so over it why did you have a panic attack this morning? If you’re so over loosing our little girl then why do you have a lock of her hair and a photo of her in your back pack?”

“Don’t,” he choked out.

“Don’t what? Remind you of what we lost because it’s to hard to hear? Yeah I can see now you’re really over it.”

Nick opened his mouth three or four time to say something but the only sound that ended up escaping was an angry yell as he violently let out his frustration the only way he really knew how, by kicking the tire of the car repeatedly. Adie stood back and watched helplessly because in some ways he was just like she was and she knew that until he was ready there would be no point in trying to comfort him, she would just have to wait until he finally broke and then she would be there to catch him.

That happened a lot sooner than she could have guessed because not two minutes later the kicking stopped, the angry yells turned into sobs and for the second time that day Adie found herself wrapping him in her arms. The only difference being this time was that she too was shedding her tears with him.

It was the first time that they had both cried together since loosing their daughter and it was long over due.

We’ve been here many times before

Leaving rooms and slamming doors

We’re climbing up the bedroom walls

Sometimes we make it so frustrating

I touch your mouth I touch you lips

The answers at our finger tips

Not giving up were giving in

Why are we so complicated

Oh tell me what to say

Tell me

To make it all okay

I don’t want to see you hurting

Just hold on

Just hold on to me

I don’t want to see you crying

So hold on

So hold on to me

 To me

Hold on

 To me

I’m trying to think of what to do

To really make it up to you

So many truths too many lies

Making love can be so crazy

I find myself back here again

Asking you to let me in

You know its time to make a change

How can we live with all this maybe

There are no words that say

No words

To make it go away

Song Credits: Take That - Hold on