Nick held up the phone to his face and inwardly sighed, four hours he had lain in silence waiting for sleep to overcome his body, to take him away from all the thoughts plaguing his confused mind. Yet it hadn’t happened, his mind still awash with so many questions, so many thoughts that it was starting to hurt. His heart felt heavy, he felt as though he would never smile again but what hurt the most was, how even though they were in the same bed, he felt completely disconnected from the women he loved. That had been down to him though, because once again he had shut off from her when she tried to help him.

He hadn’t been able to hide his emotion from her and once again his guard had fallen and she had seen a side of him the very rarely escaped, yet it had happened twice in one day. The emotion, the pain was just too much to hide and instead of sucking it up it had all come tumbling out.

What shocked him the most was what a relief it had been.

Yet that voice was still there, niggling in the back of his mind and after a while it had been screaming at him and once again he had pushed her away. They had driven to the nearest motel in silence but he hadn’t missed the amount of concerned glances she had thrown his way, he hadn’t missed how her mouth had opened and closed when she had gone to say something but thought better of it. Once they had reached the motel he had quickly jumped in the shower, knowing that Adie would most likely to wallow away in the tub for an hour and when she had emerged from the bathroom, her fingers and toes more then likely wrinkly from the water, he had faked sleep. He felt her climb into bed beside him, felt her hover over him for a few moments, felt her soft lips place a tender kiss to his temple and then he felt her turn her back on him and snuggle into her side of the bed.

All he wanted was for her to wrap hers arms around him and tell him everything was going to be okay, because when she had done it after his panic attack he believed her, he had truly believed her but he just needed to hear it again. Yet he was to proud and stubborn to ask.

That was just so stupid.

He loved her, he loved her with all of his heart like he had never loved anyone else yet he was still to pig headed to let her in. He sighed heavily and grabbed for his phone again, typing a quick message.

“If we’re going to work I need to tell her everything don’t I?”

He was surprised how quickly he received a text back, “Yes you do.”

“What if she doesn’t understand? What if I’m too much of a pussy for her to be with?”

“She won’t think that.”

"How do you know for sure?"

The phone lit up again but instead of one short vibration it continued and Nick got up out of bed and made his way into the bathroom as quietly as he could before answering.

“Hello.”

“I just know Nick, it’s the eight years of wisdom I have on you. Just trust me okay?” Kevin told him.

“I am supposed to be with her aren’t I?” He asked as he sat on the toilet seat.

“Why are you asking me? This is your life, I can’t tell you how to live it,” Kevin replied which made Nick laugh slightly.

“Really Kev? You sure about that because I can remember more then one occasion where you tried to tell me how to live my life.”

“But that was for your own good little man. She’s made some mistakes Nick but you of all people should be able to understand that, and if the only thing stopping you guys from working through things is you hiding your emotions then you’re a lot stupider then I thought you were” Kevin told him firmly.

“Hey!” Nick exclaimed.

“Let her in Dude, you only have to do it once.”

“Like ripping off a band aid?” he asked.

“Yep.”

“Ripping of band aids hurt like hell though Kev,” Nick grumbled.

Kevin laughed as he replied, “Yeah but it doesn’t take long for the pain to go away though does it?”

“No,” Nick sighed.

“I told you this before, I like Adie a lot and I don’t think anything in your past is going to scare her off, so let me get back to sleep and go and talk to her.”

“I love you man,” Nick told him softly.

“I love you too Kid, I’ll talk to you soon.”

He sat in the bathroom for a further five minutes before he built up the courage to go out in the bedroom. He needed this, he needed her, he needed happiness in his life and for so long he had let his past get in the way, he had been bitter and twisted about his childhood, about his family but the only person who was truly missing out because of it was himself. He didn’t want to be some bitter, resentful lonely old man, regretting the decisions that he had made, he had far too many of those already. It was time to let go of everything, it was finely time to show Adie the real him, to be the real, insecure, emotional wreck that was Nickolas Gene Carter and if she couldn’t handle that then he would know for sure that they were not meant to be together.

He climbed quietly into the bed beside her and rolled on to his left side so that he could see her, well, see the back of her anyway. He reached out a hand to run down her arm but when it was mere centimetres away from making contact he pulled back at the last second. He stared at her back for a few more seconds before quickly flipping onto his other side and closing his eyes, tomorrow, tomorrow he would talk to her, after all what was a few more hours?

His eyes had been closed for mere seconds when he heard his cell phone vibrate against the bed side table and he opened his eyes and reached out for it.

“Don’t be a chicken shit! Don’t put it off until tomorrow! If she’s asleep wake her up. You need to tell her now before it’s too late because no matter what Kristin says we are not adopting you!”

Nick chuckled to himself as he read the last part of the text message but as soon as the phone was replaced to where it had been that smile had faded because he knew Kevin was right, if he didn’t do it now then he would just keep putting it off and Adie had already left once for the same reason.

“You awake?” He asked, not moving an inch. He had hoped that she would be asleep so he was surprised when she answered quickly and clearly, an indication that she hadn’t actually been asleep either.

“Yeah, you?”

He scrunched up his nose at her question before replying, “You do realise it was me who asked you that question right? Or did you think it was that axe murderer who must have hitched a ride with us after he forgot to strike last night?”

“Oh shut up,” she told him before the room plunged into silence again.

How was he supposed to start of a conversation that was going to lead to him revealing all to her? It just felt awkward and wrong and unnatural, they had their backs to each other for crying out loud, that there was a huge barrier in itself, yet he didn’t think he would be able to look at her. Her eyes were so expressive, and he knew that when the emotion poured from him, which he knew it would, she would have a hard time concealing hers. He didn’t wasn’t to see the looks of pity or sadness in her eyes, yet he couldn’t tell her when they were opposite ends of the bed with such distance between them and so he told her that.

“This feels all wrong.”

“What?” She asked softly.

“Being here like this,” He almost whispered.

“Being here with me?” She asked, failing at hiding the hurt in her voice. He hadn’t meant it to come out like it had, he hadn’t meant to make her feel the way she obviously did with the comment.

“No, being in the same bed as you, I feel miles away from you,” he admitted.

She took the hint straight away, flipping her body so that she was facing him now, her hand snaking out to grab his in hers, “Better?” she asked.

He nodded his head yet he hadn’t finished that action when she moved again, moving up the bed and puling him closer so that his head was resting against her shoulder, her lips dropping down so she could place a kiss on his temple.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Hugs are always better then hand holding.”

He couldn’t argue with that, and the more he thought back the more he couldn’t actually remember being held by any girl in any of his relationships, it had always been the other way round. He had been the one to hold, he had been the protector, he had been the strong one, so to be in this position, he felt like the venerable one and for some reason it made it easier to start talking.

“It was my Dad,” he randomly threw out so it was no wonder she was slightly confused.

“Huh?”

He tried again, with a bit more explanation, “It was my Dad that taught me showing emotion was weak. I used to get bullied a lot as a kid, I was far from popular, there were so many times when I would go home and sit in my room and cry, he didn’t get that. He’s always been a guys guy, he was the most popular jock at school, had a ton of friends but I wasn’t like him, I was weaker then him and I was weak because I cried when things got to me.”

“So when did you stop?”

“Stop what?” He asked.

“Stop showing your emotion?”

He took in a deep breath as he thought back, “I was nine, that was the last time I didn’t feel like…it was the last time I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed of crying.”

If Adie tried to hide the shock, she didn’t do it very well, “You were nine?”

Nick nodded his head as he felt her arms wrap tighter around him, “I remember him telling me to act like a man, to suck it up, to fight back, so the next day I went into school and I punched the guy who picked on me so hard that I broke his nose and after I’d done it I felt horrible, I’d purposely hurt that kid. I got into so much trouble with the school and My Mom but my Dad…he uh… I remember him being angry and yelling at me for doing it when my Mom was in the room but that night he came up to my room and congratulated me on becoming a man, told me how proud of me that he was.”

“And that made you feel good,” she said knowingly.

“Yeah. After that I couldn’t go back to being weak again, I had to be a man. That’s the way I’ve been, when the band happened I thought he was going to be so proud of me, my Mom was but he um…he…when they were getting divorced it was my fault,” He said softly, managing to keep his tears at bay for the time being.

“What?” She asked angrily.

“I was the reason Mom had turned into a money grabber, I was the one who split the family because I was away so much and when I was younger one of them always had to be with me, I was a disruption to the family and then I left so I took Aaron’s childhood from him because my Mom needed a new cash cow.”

“He told you that?”

“Yeah,” he choked out.

She placed a kiss to the side of his head before saying, “Sweetie-”

That was exactly what he didn’t want, he didn’t want her to feel sorry for him, he just wanted to tell her, if she started with the whole sympathy thing it was just going to make him feel worse and if he had any hope of explaining things to her then he just needed to get everything out.

“Can you not say anything? I’m not telling you this because I want your pity or your sympathy, I’m trying to make you understand why I am like I am.”

He could feel movement above him and knew she was nodding her head as she spoke, “Okay, alright, I won’t say anything.”

“The moment I turned eighteen I left. I should have known then because none of them made any effort that year, can you remember what you did for your eighteenth birthday?”

“Sure,” she said and instantly he could hear the smile in her voice as she remembered. “My Dad woke me up five minutes before the time I was officially born so I could experience the whole of my birthday, at six am I was in the garage practicing how to change a tyre and when I showed him I could he woke up my Mom and Rachel took me out to the drive and they all were there when I got my very first car.”

“The beat up Ford?” He asked.

“Yep, Fred, although I think he was bi curious because of the pink seat covers and dice,” she replied laughing at her joke.

He wanted to laugh with her but when he compared his day to hers, well there was no comparison, not with his blood family anyway, the guys on the other hand, they had been the ones to make his day.

“The only good memory I have about my eighteenth birthday is finally realising that Brian, Alex, Howie and Kevin weren’t my just my friends, that they were my brothers, they were my family. That was when I decided I wanted out and moving in with Mandy seemed like a good idea because I didn’t want to be on my own. That fell apart quickly because it wasn’t the right thing for us, it was just convenient.”

“You said in therapy that you were relieved when they divorced, a lot of people get sad when their families split up,” she pointed out.

He knew that, he knew the most common feeling to suffer through any marital break up was sadness and that was why he felt weird when all he felt had been relief when his Mother had told him.

“By the time they divorced I hadn’t been apart of that family for years so I was relieved because I thought things would get better, I thought the tension would be gone. They had fallen apart long before Backstreet even started but the only reason they stayed together, the only reason my Dad stayed was because with me working he didn’t have to, if he stayed he got that life style too. With everything all gone I thought our relationship would be better, so I went to see him I can still remember a conversation we had like it was yesterday,” Nick told her, he could feel the lump form in his throat, knowing what he was about to share next was going to be hard. It was something he had never shared with anyone else. “We sat in the back yard having a beer and he told me how great his life was now that my Mother wasn’t in it, he bragged about how great Ginger was how great Taelyn was, how he couldn’t wait to be a Dad again, and how relieved he was that that part of his life was over. Do you know how that made me feel?”

“I can’t even imagine.”

“I was part of that life, I was part of the life he obviously hated,” he whispered, knowing any more volume would make the tears start to fall.

“So why was he still in your life, why is he still in your life if he said that and why wasn’t your Mom?” It was a fair question, a question he had pondered himself so many times before and he still could not come up with a valid answer.

“I don’t know, I honestly don’t know,” he said shaking his head, “Maybe it was because she was more vocal, she was the reason there was so much scandal behind the whole divorce I think I got mad at that, I got mad at having to answer all the question the press would throw at me about a family I didn’t feel connected to. Alex and Brian would get really pissed when that was all the media was interested in, I hid my emotion so well that they I thought I was okay with it so they’d rib me about it, they’d make jokes and I would do one of two things, I would either joke back or I’d lash out. The person I used to lash out the most to was Kevin because he knew that I wasn’t okay but I couldn’t admit that in front of him.”

“Why?” She asked.

“Because I didn’t him to think I was weak, I didn’t want to cry in front of him.”

“Nick do you think Kevin is weak?” She asked.

Did he think Kevin was weak? Of course he didn’t, he idolised the guy, he had been through so much, had lost his father at nineteen, Kevin was always the one with his head screwed on, was always full of useful advice, would be there at a drop of a hat no matter what you had done. So no he didn’t think Kevin was weak at all.

“No.”

“But he is the biggest cry baby in the world, he balled at Alex and Rachel’s wedding, he gave my Mom and run for her money,” Adie pointed out.

“I know that, I know it’s stupid but crying is weakness in my Dad’s eyes and for some stupid reason I still seek his approval, I still want to be proud of me I don’t want to be a disappointment.”

“How the hell are you a disappointment?” She asked angrily but he knew it wasn’t directed at him, instead it was directed at his Father. “You have made such an incredible life for yourself Nick, you’ve travelled all over the world, you’ve won awards you sold out stadiums x amount of nights in a row, You’re kind and thoughtful and funny. What’s he done that’s so great?”

“I don’t know,” he answered quietly.

“I understand about wanting to make your parents proud. That’s why my parents didn’t know about what happened in London, but at the end of the day they’re your parents they should be able to look past everything and love you for the person you are, flaws and all.”

He turned more into her then, one of his hands wrapping around her middle as he spoke his next words, “Shouldn’t you be able to do that too? If you love me as much as you say you do shouldn’t you just be able to accept that I can’t show my emotions, that this is who I am?”

Adie sighed heavily as her hand wove softly through his hair and he knew she was thinking of the right words to say. “You had an anxiety attack this morning Nick and that’s not right, that’s not somebody whose cut from their emotion that someone who is bottling all their emotion until becomes too much for them to bare. Did you know the people who suffer from anxiety attacks live ten years less then those who don’t?” He didn’t but that was one scary thought. “That’s not the only problem either because instead of letting your sadness out by crying or by talking about it with others, you get angry and frustrated when people do try to help and then you get physical.”

He already knew that and he knew that it wasn’t healthy, it was why so many of his past relationships had broken down. He had never laid a hand on any of his girlfriends but he had come close and that had been enough for them. It was something he had just come to accept.

“That’s why you shouldn’t be with me,” he told her firmly.

“No,” she shook her head in disagreement, “It’s exactly why I should be with you. I understand how hard hiding from your emotion can be, I understand how it can all just bubble to the surface and what can start off as something so small and petty and stupid can turn into something huge, so big that you feel you have no control over anything. When did you have your first anxiety attack?”

He thought back but it didn’t take long, “We were on the black and blue tour, so it must have been 2001. It was after the meeting where the others decided that it was time to take a break.”

“The others decided? You didn’t get a say?” She asked.

“It was four against one Adie. It had been a really rough couple of years, the lawsuits and Alex and we were all fighting more and we were exhausted but the difference was they had families to go back to, I didn’t.”

“Because your folks were divorcing?” She asked getting the wrong end of the stick.

“No, the guys, the touring, they were my family, that was my life, from thirteen I don’t think I spent more then a month away from them. My real family had completely disintegrated and if felt like my second family, the family at that point I felt more connected to was headed down the same path. I just…I’ve never felt so alone or so scared in my life, because they way things were back then I didn’t think we would get back together,” He admitted with a shaky sigh.

“It was that bad?” She asked not being able to hide the shock at his confession.

“Yeah. At first I was really pissed off because I felt like they were all being so selfish, so I figured I’d do something for me but they all seemed to hate that idea, I think they figured I would be the one to stop us getting back together.”

“Would you have been?”

“Not in a million years,” He told her quickly and it was the truth to. “Even if I had double the success that I achieved with them I would have still gone back because they’re my family, when I did the solo record that was when I realised that being in the band isn’t a job, being solo was a job, being in the band its like going home, it’s like a being at a family bar b q twenty four seven. Back then I didn’t understand, I was twenty one, but now…Kevin was the age I am now back then, but now I do. I understand why he used to get pissed off with being away all the time, being away from Kris, I used to take the piss out of him but now I understand because I hated being apart from you on this tour.”

“He was who you were on the phone to wasn’t he?” She asked knowingly.

“Yeah. Is it bad that when things get rough I always turn to him rather them my real family?” He asked.

“No. That’s why you acted the way you did when he left wasn’t it?”

He nodded again, “Yeah. Everything was starting to fall into place again in my life, the band was back together, we were touring and having so much fun, I’d just met you, life was really good back then. By that point I had started to be more open with Kristin and him, Kris was the person who found me when I was having my first anxiety attack, he was the only one who called me to tell me that he liked my album, he even sang I got you down the phone to me because he liked it so much and told me I was punk ass for stealing it so it couldn’t be on our next album. They’ve always been there for me, Kristin still jokes that she wants to adopt me,” he even managed a small chuckle at that, right along with her, well until she spoke her next words anyway.

“I’m glad you called them.”

“What?” he asked but he knew what she meant.

“When we lost Molly, I’m glad they were there for you and I’m sorry I wasn’t,” she said placing a soft his to his head again. He could feel the tears begin to well up more in his eyes and he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to hold them in for much longer.

“I feel like I’m never going to be happy again Adie,” he admitted to her.

She tightened her hold on him and she told him, “You will be.”

“How do you know that?” he asked unsure of her answer.

“Because…“ she hesitated, “because when I was in Nepal, I was ignoring my emotions, all I could focus on was what I lost, I didn’t realise what I still had, what I was risking loosing because I couldn’t face dealing with my emotion and your emotion. I remember telling you that Molly dying defined out relationship and in a way it kind of does. It defines a really shitty time but if we can get through this, we can get through anything. There was one women in Nepal, she lost three children and yet she didn’t wallow in her grief, she didn’t let it consume her, she let make her stronger, she didn’t have half of the things I do and it made me realise how selfish I am, or was. Yeah was because I know I can change, I have to change to be better for you. I think the only reason you feel like you are never going to be happy again is because you’ve repressed everything and I’m partly to blame for that because I let you, just like let me run. We’re both as bad as each other baby so I think we should make a pact, that from now on, you’re not going to let me run anymore and I’m not going to let you hide everything inside.”

“I think that’s a really good idea,” he told her as he tightened his own hold around her waist.

“Yeah?” She asked.

“Yeah because right now all I want to do is cry,” he admitted as the first few tears slipped down his cheek.

She kissed his head yet again and simply told him, “Then cry.”

And he did.

***

Adie could feel her shoulder being shaken lightly and then that was followed by Nick softly calling her name. She opened her eyes slowly but when she looked around she was slightly confused and it wasn’t until she looked out in front of her that she realised where they were.

“Are we home?” She asked hoarsely.

 “Yeah,” he nodded, “Come on, it’s late. She tried to wipe the sleep from her eyes as she yawned and when she opened her eyes again a small smile escaped her lips when she spotted him carrying her stuff into the house, because that morning she hadn’t been so sure it would happen.

Thirteen hours before

Adie could hear Nick moving around the room and from the sounds of things he was packing up his bag. She just felt far too tired to face the world at that moment and so she just snuggled deeper into the pillow and tried to shut her mind of from the noise that was going on around her. She had almost drifted off again when she heard his voice.

“Adie? Time to wake up,” he told her quietly.

“No it’s time to stay asleep,” she moaned, letting out a frustrated groan when she felt the cold hit her body from where he had obviously yanked the covers back.

“C’mon!” He exclaimed.

She moaned again as she wiped at her eyes but when she opened them and saw that it was still dark outside a frown crossed her face as she yawned and asked,

“What time is it?

Nick glanced down at his watch, “Five forty five.”

“Why the hell are you up so early?” She mumbled into her pillow as she snuggled down to try and get back off to sleep, there was no way she was getting up now.

“Because if we’re on the road in half an hour it means we can make it back home tonight. So come on, up and showered, I’ll drive the first leg,” he told her.

She tried to hide her tears but for the past few days she had been keeping her own emotions at bay so that she could be strong for Nick and it had all finely caught up with her. The sob that escaped her lips caught his attention immediately and he was by her side instantly.

“What’s wrong?” He asked concerned as he sat down on the bed beside her.

“Can you just be honest with me?” She choked out.

“What do you mean?” he asked slightly confused.

“This whole trip you’ve been so focused on getting home and I said to you at the beginning that if you were still adamant about leaving when we got back I wouldn’t stop you. You wanting to get home as badly as you do makes me think you’ve already made your mind up,” She cried, the tears falling faster when he was quiet for a moment.

“I have made my mind up,” he told her truthfully.

“Oh God,” she whispered, knowing from the static look on his face that it probably wasn’t going to be the answer that she wanted.

“This year has been the worst I think I have ever had. I look at you, at us as a couple and all I can remember at the moment is all the bad stuff, it’s not healthy to live like that. We have to move on,” he said, grabbing her hand in his when she took what he was saying the wrong way as he crying grew even heavier. “The reason I want to get home so badly is so we can move on, so we can find some closure and get back to normal, it’s so we can stop focusing on the bad and be happy together again.”

“Together?” She choked out almost immediately after he stopped speaking. There was no way she could have heard that right, it had to be her imagination or wishful thinking but when his eyes softened and his lips turned up into a half smile, a smile she hadn’t seen since she had first turned up in Vegas, she knew it wasn’t.

He nodded his head, “Together. I love you too much to let you go without one hell of a fight. I think our biggest problem is that there only ever seems to be one of us fighting to keep this relationship alive, so if both of us fight, I don’t see how we can loose.”

“You’re a bastard do you know that? I thought for a minute…your face and how you were speaking I thought I’d lost you,” she told him as she smacked his arm.

“Do you really think last night would have happened if I didn’t want to be with you forever?” He asked her sincerely.

“Okay all the bags are in now, so if you get out of the car all you have to do is haul your own ass into the house. There’s three comfy beds in there and a few couches that will be a lot more comfortable then the car,” he told her as he pulled her door open, snapping her from the memory of that morning.

Adie looked at him for a moment, he still looked tired, he still looked emotionally drained but there was definitely hints of the old him there, the old parts of him that she loved, like how he got sarcastic when he was tired, how with one look into those deep pools of blue she knew that everything he had said today had been true. Yet there was something holding her back about setting foot in the house she had left so many times before, if they were truly going to start again, if she was ever going to start to find the closure she needed there was something she had to do first.

“I need to see somebody first,” she almost whispered.

He reached around and unclasped her seat belt as he told her, “I don’t think your parents are going to mind if we wait until tomorrow.”

“I talked to my Dad today, he’s fine, it’s not him I want to see,” she said softly and it took a few seconds but eventually she saw the realisation in his eyes and he re-clipped her seatbelt back in.

“Molly?” He asked and she nodded her head, trying to keep the tears from falling.

“Want me to go with you?”

“Yeah.”

***

It taken a mere ten paces for her to figure out that maybe it had been a huge mistake. A Grave yard at night? What the hell had she been thinking? The sky was completely dark, the clouds cover making the light that shone from the moon, dim and obviously there were no lights in the cemetery as not many people were stupid enough to visit at such creepy hours, luckily Nick had remembered to bring along a flashlight, otherwise it would have been damn near impossible to find where their daughter had been laid to rest.

“What was that?” She whispered quickly when she heard a cracking noise.

“That damn axe murderer that’s still not struck yet,” he laughed giving her hand a squeeze.

 “You’re so not funny Nick,” she almost hissed as she followed him, glaring when he lifted the torch so it was under his face as he let out a hearty, spooky cackle.

“Shut up!”

“Why? It’s only us, and the ghosts,” he shrugged.

He kept doing things to try and make her jump, to try and scare her but as soon as they started to get closer to Molly’s grave he became very quiet which in way was even eerier, and when he head stone was in view she heard him take a shaky breath.

She took the next few steps and then bent down in front of the cold stone, her fingers tracing the indentation that spelt out her baby girls name. She let her tears fall silently as she stood back up, she leant against his frame when she felt him wrap his arms around her from behind, his chin resting on the top of her head, as her hands fell atop his.

“It still doesn’t feel real,” she whispered.

“I know.”

“She should be here Nick,” she sniffed, “She should be here and we should be complaining about how tired we are, she should be here and we should be watching her grow.”

“I know,” He replied quietly.

“Then why isn’t she?” Adie chocked out.

“I don’t think we were ready for her. I think there is still stuff we need to work on before we’re ready for a family. You remember the Molly at the hospital?” He asked and she nodded, “She was the Molly that bought us together, this is the Molly that’s going to make us stronger.”

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know there is always tomorrow

Lean on me

When you’re not strong

And I’ll be your friend

I’ll help you carry on

For it won’t be long

Till I’m gona need

Someone to lean on

Song Credits: Bill Withers - Lean on me