The day Howie had been dreading had finally arrived. He had been growing quieter and more withdrawn as the day approached and those closest to him had barely noticed. There had been the expected whispers and mumbled musings about what was happening. But none of them could ever have even begun to fathom exactly what was wrong or how much it was going to hurt him to go through with what was expected of him within a few short hours.
Howie stood on the balcony outside his bedroom, taking a few minutes to weigh the pros and cons of the crazy idea that was suddenly playing in his mind. His nerves were on end and he was visibly shaking as he sipped a cup of tea--something that normally calmed him. The more he pondered this insane notion that was rolling around in his mind, the more convinced he became that it was the only logical thing for him to do.
As the warm breeze blew in from across the ocean, he realized it was the perfect day and the perfect setting for her one dream to come true. He closed his eyes to ward off the glare of the bright sun on the water and he could see her in his mind. Listening closely to the soft crash of the waves along the beach, Howie could almost hear her whisper his name. The throaty, husky way she had whispered it the last time they had been together. The soft warmth of the sun on his face brought to mind the feel of her fingertips gently caressing his cheek and neck as her lips brushed over his skin in that comforting and familiar way she had--a way that excited him to unbelievable heights. Slowly, he opened his eyes, convinced that this had to be done, consequences be damned. She had to be his.
He dumped the rest of the drink off the balcony and set the cup on the railing before turning to go inside. He needed to stay focused on what he was going to say, what he was going to do. He needed to stay focused on how he was going to convince her that he could give her all that had been promised to her...and more. Almost as if wearing blinders, he strode purposefully through the bedroom and down the stairs, not daring to look around at the house or the people or the mementos on the wall. They would only serve as a deterrence for him and right now, he refused to have that. With a shake of his head and a wave of his hand as his only answer when asked where he was going, he continued out of the house and down to the beach, breaking into a light jog. He needed this time to himself. No one needed to know where he was going. The moment of truth would come soon enough.
As the sand gave slightly beneath his feet, he continued his light pace, eventually pushing himself more and more until he was running as hard as he could, not realizing where he was heading until he reached the chapel. Looking around, he saw cars parked there, suddenly aware how close to time for the wedding it must be. Out of breath, he slowed to a walk and made his way off the beach and up to the little chapel, the place decorated for the wedding. As he was making his way into the building, he got sidetracked by the nervous groom and the other groomsmen trying to calm him down.
"Yo, dude, you're sweaty. Did you run here?" One of them called out.
Sliding a hand through his sweat-dampened hair, Howie chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, actually, I did."
"Shower's to the right in the groom's dressing room. We've had to pull him in there twice. You'd think he never got married before! Your clothes are hanging up. We've got about an hour to go. Hurry and help us keep him calmed down!"
Howie nodded as he went into the groom's room and quickly showered, then got dressed. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror, suddenly seeing the hint of dark circles under his eyes. No one had pointed them out, but then again, he hadn't let anyone get that close to actually see them. Hearing a commotion outside the dressing room, he stuck his head out to see what was going on. The other groomsmen were pushing the slightly agitated groom into the chapel. He frowned, thinking the wedding was to be outside. Before he had a chance to ask, the priest came rushing through, yelling at the groom to "Chill the Hell out" then quickly crossing himself and muttering a prayer for forgiveness and patience in dealing with the groom before entering the sanctuary.
Leaving the tie and jacket on the hangers, white shirt untucked over his black pants, Howie strode out of the room in his socked feet and down the hall, narrowly missing being seen by the groom's friends. What would he have said if they had seen him? He still wasn't completely convinced he knew what he was going to say to her once he got her alone. Nodding at the giddy bridesmaids as they made their way out of the bride's room, he continued on with the charade of going to the other end of the church for some mission. As soon as they were out of sight, probably caught up with the scene with the nervous groom if their chatter was any indication, he knocked on the door with a trembling hand and entered when she called out "Come in! Did you forget the shoe polish for the car?"
Howie eased the door shut behind him, his breath catching in his throat as his gaze traveled and lingered over the vision before him. She stood with her back to him, her white gown fitted in all the right places and flowing loosely everywhere else. Her hair was in an updo, exposing her graceful neck--the same neck he had kissed and caressed so many times before when they were lonely and seeing comfort from each other. He made sure he was just out of the line of reflection from the full-length mirror.
She didn't know it was him in the room. God, it took all he had from gathering her in his arms and taking her right there against the wall. In that light and airy way she had, she said her name aloud, then repeated it with his. She was doing what every bride does, trying out the soon-to-be married name. His heart ached as he heard the joy and excitement in her voice.
"No," he said quietly. "I'm not here for that."
The sound of her voice as she said his name in surprise was almost his undoing. He quickly glanced back, reaching behind and locking the door. They didn't need any interruptions right now. As he looked back to her, he saw that she was starting to turn to him.
"Don't turn around," he hastily said, his voice quivering in betrayal. "Please. I need to do this and... And just don't turn around until I'm done."
She merely nodded in agreement.
Howie shoved his hands deep in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his feet for a few minutes of awkward silence before beginning.
"I love you," he blurted out, deciding to forgo any of the rehearsed speech he had in his mind. "Not only do I love you, but I am in love with you, Jami. I have been since the day we met. I don't know why it's taken this long for me to be able to say this to you, but here goes. I came here to tell you not to marry him. He doesn't deserve you. He can't possibly love you like I love you. Do you have any idea how much I ache for you, Jami? Not must physically, but emotionally as well? You complete me like no one else ever has. Like no one else ever will."
He paused for a moment to catch his breath, his hands fisting deep inside his pockets.
"Don't turn around," he said again, stopping her in mid-movement. "I know he's promised you all kinds of things and I've seen the smile on your face whenever he's around, but I've also seen the loneliness in your eyes when he's not."
His voice grew low as he continued.
"I've seen the look in your eyes when you're loving only me. You can't tell me you look at him the same way. That's only for someone who knows you. Someone who knows not only your body, but your heart and mind as well. You can't possibly know him in the ways you know me. You can't have allowed him to know you those ways. Jami, I'll give up everything right now if you'll just leave with me. Drop everything. We can be out of this place in ten minutes, tops. We'll never look back and only know the happiness of each other. Just...say you'll do it. I can't watch you marry him. I...I just can't."
Her shoulders shook slightly. He didn't know if it was from quiet tears or held back laughter. God, don't let it be laughter. He had just spilled his heart to this woman--the woman he was in love with. There was an awkward quiet in the room for a few minutes. Neither of them spoke. Neither really knew what to say. He had said everything he could think of. Then, it came to him.
"I'm going to turn around. And if you really love me like I love you, you'll come to me and ask me to turn around. If not, then..."
His voice caught in his throat as his words trailed off. He turned around and looked at the door, his eyes welled up with tears. He clenched his hands again, not giving it any thought that they were still firmly in his pockets. His heart beat loud and fast in his ears as he waited to hear the rustle of her dress as she came to him.
Nothing. Just the silence of the room, only broken by the whirr of the air conditioner and her quiet, choked sobs. He drew in a deep breath and squeezed his eyes tight before steeling himself and opening the door and walking out.
Howie was surprisingly grateful for the ceremony being outdoors that hot summer afternoon. He could hide behind the dark sunglasses that each of the groomsmen wore to shield their eyes from the sun. His covered the tears that threatened to spill every so often and the hurt of watching her marry this other man. The dark sunglasses covered the hurt that cut to his very soul and ripped him apart as she said her vows and listened to his. He played off the cold sweat that broke out on him as being from the sun. No one knew how physically ill he felt when she walked down the aisle and took her place beside the groom. No one knew that he caught the quick look she gave him as she took the groom's hands. No one knew how he was slowly dying inside the whole time.
The music and laughter spilled out from the dance floor as he nursed his third beer. He was looking out over the ocean, the same one he had stared at earlier in the day when that asinine thought had come to him. The bottle was nearly to his mouth when he felt a hand on his shoulder and warm breath on his ear.
"Don't turn around," Jami said, her voice soft and knowing, just for him. "Now it's your turn to listen to me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I...couldn't leave with you and I know you know why. If you really wanted to be with me, you would've left her a long time ago. I understand why you've stayed with her, so please try to understand why I choose to stay with him."
Howie started to speak and she quickly hurried on as he turned his head slightly.
"No!" Her voice, while still soft, was sharp, more so than she meant. The panic and urgency in it made his heart drop. "Don't turn around. If you do, we both know it'll be the biggest mistake ever. Please, be happy for me. And always remember what we had together. It's something special for me."
Her voice caught in a soft sob once more. "It's something that will help me get through until we can... Until we can find our own place in this life together."
Her dress rustled with a whisper as he took her hand in his and brought it to his mouth. He pressed his lips to her hand, his eyes closing as he inhaled the scent of her lotion and perfume, committing that and the feel of her warm skin to his memory, tucking that into a special place in his heart that only she could ever occupy. Tears streamed down her face and fell hot against the side of his neck as they stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity.
"I'm going to turn around now," she used his own words on him. "And if there is ever any future for us, you'll come to me and give me one last dance. I love you and will always do so."
Slowly, Jami pulled her hand from his and turned her back to him. Nothing. The sound of the music and band playing, the laughter and talk of the guests and the groom calling her name, bidding her to join him was all either heard.
"Go," he simply said, his voice a husky whisper, his gaze once again to the ocean. "And don't turn around."
Story Notes:
This is loosely based on an event that happened in an RP storyline.
