"So what are we looking at here? Kevin looked back and forth between me and my lawyer.

We all sat in my living room, Gwen playing happily in her room, as we discussed the upcoming hearing.  I didn't want Gwen listening to the conversation.

"Well, the custody hearing is tomorrow," I offered the already known information.  I was nervous!

My lawyer nodded, "We just have to make sure we have all of our information in order.  We have the paternity results here.  And you said that your name is on the birth certificate?"

I nodded.  I had a file of paperwork in my lap and I opened it to pull out Gwen's birth certificate, "Here it is."

"Good.  We'll need to be sure we have that tomorrow."

Brian, who'd been quietly watching, spoke up, "Did she ever give you any indication that there was someone else?"

He knew the answer to that.  All of them did.  They all told me time and time again that they thought she was cheating.  I knew she was, I just didn't' acknowledge it.

I let out a little laugh, not because I thought it was funny, but more because I couldn't believe I'd gotten myself here.

"You know I knew there were others.  It just never occurred to me that one of them was Gwen's father."

"Audrey never said anything, why would you question it, right?" Nick asked innocently.

I knew that I should have questioned it, regardless of the fact that she hadn't said anything.  All I knew now was that Gwen was mine, and that I was going to fight for her.

"She looks exactly like you, I don't think any of us really thought about it," AJ admitted.

We all nodded and there was silence for a few minutes.

My lawyer finally spoke again, "You have the financial means to support Gwen, as well as a great support system-slash-‘family here...and you've been Gwen's caregiver since her birth.  You're her father.  I believe our chances are good."

I'm pretty sure everyone let out a sigh of relief at that.  I wasn't about to relax, I knew anything could happen, but it took a load off knowing that my lawyer thought it would be okay.  I stood up at that point and shook the man's hand.

"Give me a call if you have any questions or concerns tonight," he said.  He nodded at the rest of the guys and showed himself out.

When I turned back around to face the guys, they all looked up at me.  I could tell they were unsure of what to do or say.  I cold tell they were all still just as concerned as I was about it all.

Finally Kevin spoke, "So what do you want to do about the media?"

"I don't know.  I don't think I want Gwen to go to the courthouse tomorrow.  I think it would better for her if someone stayed with her here.  Maybe I can ask Ash to stay with her."

"That's probably for the best," Brian concluded.

I wasn't as much concerned about Gwen's picture getting taken, but more about her well-being.  I'd tried to keep her shielded from this whole situation.  She was only three years old!  She's too young to understand it all, and I know how the media can be.  I didn't want them scaring her.

You see, Gwen's a complete ham.  If there's a camera she's all over it.  She poses or plays it up.  I think she got that more from her mother, but whatever.

I think I've done a fairly good job of keeping her life private up until this point.  I didn't want to thrust Gwen into the spotlight unless and until she wanted to be there.  I didn't want her life on display.

Audrey, however, had different feelings about it all.  She actually went behind my back and sent out dozens of pictures of Gwen just after she was born.  I was in the middle of finalizing a deal with a magazine!  It's not like I was planning on hiding Gwen from the world.  I wanted my fans to see my daughter.  But I didn't want her entire childhood in the media.

Needless to say the magazine I was working with was none too happy to find out that everyone was getting free pictures of the first Backstreet Baby.

Keeping her out of public places right now was the best way I knew how to protect her.  I didn't need crazy paparazzi scaring her.  She's too young and innocent for that.  I just hoped it would be enough.

When I woke up the next morning my stomach was in knots.  Gwen could tell something wasn't right.  I was trying to get in as many hugs and kisses...just in case.  I didn't know what I'd do if they took her away from me.

Ashlynn came over to stay with Gwen while I was at the hearing.  I think she could tell how nervous I was, but she didn't say anything.  She was good like that.

Finally I separated myself from Gwen.  Dressed in a charcoal gray suit and blue tie, I left the house.  I'm not entirely sure how I made it to the court house; I don't remember most of the drive.  I probably should have had someone else drive me.

When I got out of the car the media was everywhere, along with groups of fans there to both protest and show their support.  I was hoping, completely unrealistically, that something bigger would be going on and no one would be left to cover this story.  It didn't happen.  I was bombarded by questions from at least a dozen different magazines, websites and reporters.
"Howie, did you know that Audrey was cheating?"

"How long has Audrey been unfaithful, Howie?"

"Is there any chance of reconciliation between you and Audrey?"

"What will you do it Audrey is awarded full custody?"

The questions were being fired at me from all directions, all at the same time.  I didn't even know what say.  Everything was happening so fast and so many thoughts were running through my mind.

I stopped, deciding to say a few words before I went inside.  Really, I just wanted to get this over with, but I knew I should say something at least.

I took a deep breath, "The relationship between Audrey and I has been unstable for some time now.  We have parted ways, and I hope, for the sake of our child, we can continue on civil terms.  I see no future with Audrey other than sharing parental roles over our daughter.

"As far as this trial goes, only God knows what will happen.  For now all I can do is hope for the best and take things one step at a time."

I smiled, then turned and continued my walk inside.

"Where is Gwen now?"

"Who is the woman you've been seen with recently?"

"Good luck, Howie!"

I'm not sure who wished me luck, possibly one of the fans, but it was nice.  It was nice to know someone out there was rooting for me.

The rest of the guys had come as well.  They'd avoided the crowds and were waiting for me inside.  It felt like we waited for years for them to call us in.  When they finally did, it was like I was on autopilot.  I did everything I needed to, but this huge pit of dread sat in my stomach.  Something just didn't feel right.

I looked over and watched Audrey sitting there.  She looked so happy, so smug.  I didn't want to do it anymore.  I wanted to go back home and find my daughter.  I wanted to get down on the floor with her and play with her dolls, or have a tea party.  I know, me playing tea party?  It was one of Gwen's favorite games though, so I did it.

Audrey kept looking back at the people sitting in the "audience", but I couldn't figure out why.  I swear she was grinning like the Cheshire cat, like she knew exactly what was going to happen.

I'd sort of tuned out what was going on.  I was lost in my world with Gwen, remembering her smile, her butterfly kisses every night when I tucked her in, the way she crawled into my bed to wake me up every single morning without fail.  What would I do if I didn't have that any more?

The lawyer nudged me.  Everyone was standing as the judge made her way out of the courtroom to make her decision.  This was it.  She was going to her chambers to look everything over.  My daughter's fate would be decided here, any minute now.

The guys came up to offer encouraging words, but I didn't pay attention.  I was watching that door the judge had just left through, watching for it to re-open, watching for her to come back.  I couldn't hear anything, couldn't see anything but that door.  I was afraid that if I took my eyes off of the door I would miss something.

"Please rise," the bailiff's voice boomed over the sound of the crowd.

Everyone got back to their seats and stood for the judge to return.  This was it.  It was happening now.

I squeezed the table in front of me to the point that my knuckles were white.  I held my breath as the judge addressed both myself and Audrey.  I don't even remember what she said.  All I remember were her last words, the last words she said before she banged her gavel and the ruling was made.  Those words changed my life forever.