We are keenly aware of the faults of our friends, but if they like us enough it doesn't matter.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

  ~ 9 ~ 

Caught between A – Rok, is a Hard Place   

I slept really well last night. Maybe because my belly was full of great fish which I caught and cooked, kind of… or maybe Kevin’s plan of wearing me so ragged all I would want to do was sleep was working. Whatever the case, I opened my eyes and stretched feeling well rested but a little anxious.

I don’t know why I was nervous about AJ and Brian’s arrival. It’s not like I haven’t spent the last 24/7 of my life with them or anything. I mean I can tell you what color AJ’s farts are…metallic green.

It was probably more to the fact that we haven’t been together with Kevin in such a long time that I was almost going to be embarrassed by how left out I felt with the two of them together.

It has gotten easier for me, seeing AJ and Brian grow so close over the years. It’s not like it’s something that suddenly happened. Those two have always enjoyed each others company, but over the years Brian started gravitating more towards Bone than me. They found out they had more in common, especially after AJ went all sober and I was this young partying animal and I really was, so it made sense that Brian kind of back stepped away from me.

To say it didn’t bother me at all would be a lie. I secretly resented AJ for it for a little while at least. I know it bothers the fans more than it bothers me though. Sometimes I’d crack up at some of the nonsensical things they would say on the message boards I lurked at. They seemed to greatly resent Brian for being so arrogant that he would dump me in my time of need to hang out with AJ. I had to admit that I kind of enjoyed reading things like that. It’s nice to know that no matter what, some of my fans have my back. I can always sic them on people who annoy me.

I’ve gotten used to AJ and Brian always hanging out together. It’s not like they ignore me or anything. Brian and I still do things, especially this tour we have bonded a little more. AJ and I hang out together as well, but you will seldom if ever see just the three of us hanging out because that’s when it gets uncomfortable. They make me feel like a third wheel, which brings me back to my apprehension about today. Even though Kevin is here I’m afraid I’ll still feel like that, especially if Kevin starts to faun all over AJ. That makes me really jealous for some reason.

Dude, we know how hard it was for you to get yourself sober and we know how hard your life has been without your father and the deaths in your family, but we have all gone through that crap. I don’t know why everyone feels the need to coddle AJ, but it does bother me. Not that I would EVER admit that to anyone. Yes, I coddle AJ too and pat his back proudly when he counts down the minutes and seconds he has been sober, but sometimes I want to just smack the back of his head and say “Enough!” already.

Does that make a bad person? Probably not, I’m sure everyone tends to feel like that from time to time. I’m just afraid that one day he’s going to piss me off and I will end up telling him exactly what I just said because when I’m mad my mouth stops listening to my brain.

“Hold your hands out.” Kevin said to me as he plopped down beside me and poured berries into my palms.

“Where did these come from?”

“The woods.”

“Are you sure they are okay to eat?”

“Nick, they’re blackberries.”

“Are you sure, I mean didn’t you see Into the Wild? We don’t want to turn out like that poor guy.”

“That was a great movie.” He answered as he took his own handful of berries and popped them into his mouth.

“I guess… if you enjoy watching someone slowly starve to death alone in the woods.”

“Eat your berries!” He yelled at me. He totally turned into a grandpa with his berries. So, I put a few into my mouth and grimaced at the tartness of them. The truth is I enjoy berries but only if they have a ton of sugar on them. You know the ‘would you like some berries with your sugar?’ thing? That would be me.

“These are pretty sour.”

“Put some sugar and milk on them. They make a great breakfast.” He grabbed a cup and poured himself some milk.

“How long have you been up that you’ve had time to go berry picking in the woods?” I decided to just mimic the things he was doing. I grabbed my own cup and filled it with milk. When he saw me do this, he poured more berries from his pocket into my cup and handed me some sugar packets before doing the same. “I hope that pocket is clean!”

He laughed at that. “Of course it is and I had a hard time sleeping. This guy I’m sharing a tent with snores and talks in his sleep.”

“I do not know of this person you speak of.”

“Uh huh.”

“But did this person say anything interesting last night?” Okay so I talk in my sleep. I’ve done it for most of my life. When I was really little, I used to sleep walk but luckily that stopped around the time I hit puberty. The talking has gotten worse though, or so I’m told, especially when I’m nervous about something. The day before Unbreakable was released supposedly I kept randomly saying “Tell Eliza that the poodle needs to be fed before we go bowling.” I have no idea who Eliza is or what the hell bowling and poodles had to do with anything and I’ll leave it to your imagination as to who overheard me saying those things.

He smiled, “I’m not sure you want to know.”

“Come on, it can’t be that bad.”

“You sat straight up and asked me if I’ve ever had sex with a midget.”

“What?” I giggled, because how could you not?

“You did, I swear to God.”

“What did you say?”

“I said why do you want to know? And you said because you thought it would be an adventure. Then you laid back down and closed your eyes.”

“Are you shitting me?”

“No, I’m telling you the truth.”

“So…have you ever had sex with a midget Kevin?”

“Eat!” Fine, I’ll take that as a yes then. “So, what’s bothering you?” he asked me after a few slurps of his milky berries. Eww that sounded gross.

I looked up from my cup of berries minus the milky part, “What do you mean?”

“You talk in your sleep when something is bothering you. So, what’s bothering you?” Damn, it’s not fair how well he knows me.

“Nothing.”

“Liar.”

“Can’t a guy just randomly talk in his sleep without there being some kind of problem?”

“Yup, but not you, so spill it. What’s wrong?”

“I’m just a little nervous about Brian and AJ coming, that’s all.”

He nodded as if he knew I was going to say that. “Are you upset I invited them?”

“No, not at all…it’s just…dumb.”

“How many times do I have to say this to you Nickolas. If something is bothering you, it’s never dumb.”

“I’m just afraid I’ll feel left out…you know, like how we talked about our first night here.”

“Oh…I won’t let that happen.”

“That would make it even worse if you had to say, ‘now kids don’t forget to include Nick.’ I’d really feel like a loser then.”

He laughed at me, “You are too much. I wish you’d stop underestimating the people who love you.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean Brian and AJ both love you Nick.”

“I never said they didn’t. I just think they love each other more.” Good lord can we sound anymore gay? I mean seriously! No one would believe the conversations we have. “It’s no big deal. I kind of miss them both anyway.”

“I do too. I wish Howie was going to be here.”

“That would have been fun. I would have played so many pranks on D. He would’ve killed me.”

“So, tell me what life is like without me to bug you guys.”

“I told you, it’s a weird thing but it’s also fun.” Whenever he started asking me questions about the tour I’d always get a little excited. Maybe seeing the three of us for this little break would make him realize how much he missed things and then BAM the next thing you know, we are back to five members. How awesome would that be? Oh my God, the fans would go berserk!

“Are you still enjoying yourselves though?”

I thought about it for a second and then nodded, “Yes, I think we really are. I know I am. I mean every tour has its moments. You know that better than anyone, but this one has been a lot of fun with not that much stress.”

“Do you think it’s because of me?”

“Do I think what’s because of you?”

“The lack of stress.”

Uh oh…this question is very similar in nature to those girls who out of the blue ask if they look fat in a particular outfit. I hated when he threw things out at me like that. Leave these questions for your cousin to answer Kevin.

“No, I don’t think it’s solely because of you, but to be honest it might have a little to do with things.”

“Are you guys still getting where you need to be all the time without me nagging at you?”

“Yeah we are.”

He nodded at me as he finished up his berries. I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings. “You know Kevin, we miss you a lot. Maybe not the nagging parts or the screaming and yelling at Nick all the time parts, but everything else.”

“The yelling and screaming at Nick parts?” He gave me his look as if he didn’t know what on earth I could possibly be talking about.

“Yeah, don’t tell me you have no idea what I’m talking about.”

“I miss those parts!” He smiled at me.

“Well, you can always use a Nick doll and yell at it if you’d like.”

“I use the Bobble head Lance doll you gave me for my birthday.”

“That works.”

I dumped the rest of my ‘breakfast’ onto the ground because contrary to what Kevin said, the milk and the sugar didn’t really help with the sourness of the berries. “Well, look who’s coming around the bend.” Kevin said as he got up and brushed some dirt off of his pants. I didn’t even have to look because I heard instead. Brian was singing a random song and then midway through he screamed “KEVIN!” when he saw his cousin.

Kevin went running down the hill to meet up with AJ and Brian as I slowly got myself to my feet and stretched. Now the real fun will begin I guess. After exchanging hugs and grabbing one of the packs that the guys were carrying they all made their way towards me.

“Way to come and greet us Nick.” AJ said as he grabbed me into a hug.

“Sorry, I’m slow moving today.”

Hey there buddy!” Brian smiled at me and pat me on the back. He looked really happy to be here which made me happy for some reason.

“My friggin feet are killing me. Couldn’t you find a more accessible camp Kev?” AJ sat down and took off his sandals.

“Shit Bone, your feet smell like dead ass!” And they really did, good lord I thought my feet stunk. I am pretty sure he took out half the animals in the forest when those shoes came off.

Of course I shouldn’t have said that because within half a second the next thing I knew his feet were planted close to my face. “You love my smelly ass feet!” He said as he laughed. “If this hike wasn’t so damn long, my feet wouldn’t be that smelly.”

“This is as accessible as we want to get, unless you want to spend your time taking pictures and signing autographs. Trust me, I know. I’ve been to several camp grounds around here and this one is the best.” Kevin answered, after AJ was done whining about his feet.

“That’s what I told him, see Bone? I’m always right.”

“Uh huh, sure you are Rok…you just keep telling yourself that.”

“I will!”

“What the fuck is this? Did one of you throw up or something?” He looked disgusted as he quickly stood up and moved away from my ‘breakfast’.

“Oh, that’s the remains of my milky berries.”

“Do I want to know what the hell you’re talking about?”

“Probably not.”

He decided to sit farther away from me at that point which was fine since he smelled so bad. I’m telling you…just wow! Brian came and sat beside me and wrapped me in a huge hug which caught me off guard. “How’s my Fracky?” He was acting like a guy who didn’t get out very much, which for the record is the truth.

“Good, how are things with you?”

“Yippety skippety, has my cousin been running you ragged?” He whispered to me as Kevin and AJ were having a conversation in the background.

“Not too bad. We went fishing yesterday. I caught like a billion fish!”

He smiled at me and tousled my hair. “Good for you Nick!”

Suddenly all those feelings I had earlier this morning went away. I felt incredibly comfortable and happy to have them here. I knew that would happen. It always did.

“So, has Eliza fed your poodle Nick?” Okay so it wasn’t some hot girl who overheard that. It was AJ who thinks he’s a girl so does that count? And he won’t ever let me live that down.

Brian laughed and Kevin just looked confused, yup, seems like everything is back to normal!