The day was polar opposite to what it had been a year ago. It was unusually cold for the first week of June, so much so that she had a light sweater on but it was hidden underneath the waterproof jacket she had been forced to wear because of the pounding rain that refused to stop falling. The wind whipped around the car making it rock every so often and she even made out the faint rumbling of thunder in the distance. The greyness of the sky matched her dark mood but she dutifully started the ignition after one last check that her son was safely buckled into the seat behind her.
It was probably the worst weather to be doing what she had planned and on any other occasion she would have blown it off, nothing was worth risking a cold for, hell with the weather being like this she would more then likely end up with pneumonia. This was something she had to do though, as much as she didn’t want to and as difficult as it might be she had to do it.
The car was by no means quiet. Children’s nursery rhymes poured from the speakers, Coopers excited babble could be heard from the backseat, the swishing of the wipers removing the excess water of the wind shield ever present but to her she couldn’t have felt more alone, more isolated, more silent. Had it really been a year? A whole year without him? So much had changed.
She had moved from their home not long after he had passed. It had been a difficult decision to make but everywhere she turned she was reminded of him, it wasn’t a bad thing to remember but it was getting to the point where she would end up crying over a can of soup that she would find at the back of the pantry. The fact that it was a military house, on a military base didn’t help matters either, the military was the reason he was gone something she would never forgive them for. So a mere three months after he had gone, she left the house, moved only ten minutes away to a smaller ground floor apartment, with it just being the two of them it was all they really needed. Cooper had his own room, there was a garden for the swing set James had eagerly bought before his son was even born and it was close to the local park.
She thought that it would have been enough, that the move, the change of scenery would have helped her to move on but she had been wrong. She was a military wife…no actually she was a military widow. She had moved here because of him, because it was where he had been based, her only friends were also military wives. They had shared close bonds, had welcomed her when she had first moved, helped her to decorate the house, invited her to bar-b-q’s, been there for her when he had first been deployed. Cooper had played with other military children, they had been there to support her through the hardest time in her life, but now there was a striking difference, a difference that had caused that bond to stretch and eventually tare.
She was a widow, they were still wives.
At first it hadn’t been a problem, they had been there for her, rallied round when her Mom had eventually left to go back home three weeks after the funeral. She actually couldn’t remember cooking for the first two weeks, meals were either bought to her or she was invited to someone’s house. People offered to watch Coop so she could go shopping in peace, do the housework without worrying about him, or just catch a nap. They had been there as ears to listen, shoulders to cry on, the trouble came when her anger towards the institution that had effectively killed her husband did not disappear or even fade.
She was still angry and extremely bitter. What had he even been fighting for? Did he even know what had cost him his life? Because many people didn’t, people like her did not see the point of fighting for something that you did not understand, being sent to die for war based on evidence that was flawed. She had voiced her opinions, had had vicious rages and arguments with other wives when they tried to justify the war to her, told her that she of all people should be supporting the boys who were still out there otherwise James would have died in vain. She had seen red, had blown up at the women who had pointed that out to her, had burnt bridges with the other wives who tried to intervene and it wasn’t long before contact stopped and she found herself alone.
So last month she had called her mother, asked her to clear out the spare room, she was going home, at least for a while. There was nothing left in North Carolina for her now except bad memories and if she was ever going to get past this she needed to move on completely, start again.
There was just one thing she had to do first.
***
The ground was soggy, her feet had slid along the mud as she made her way carefully through the grey pieces of stone and slowly came to a stop when she reached her destination. The rain had all but stopped, the splashes hitting her shoulder occasionally falling from the tress above but the sky was still grey and it threatened to start pouring again at any minute.
She just stood and stared for a few minutes, the grey slab looked so…cold and uninviting, and she closed her eyes when she felt the moisture start to build up. She set Cooper down to the ground, thankful that she had the inclination to put his welly boots and waterproof’s on before they left. She then knelt down in front of the stone, removed some of the old flowers, pulled up some weeds that had begun to grow and placed down a new bouquet of Roses. She lightly traced his engraved name before a few sobs managed to escape her lips causing Cooper to look at her questioningly.
“Mama?”
“It’s okay baby, c’mere,” she said opening her arms out to him and he stumbled into them before she hoisted him from the ground and held him close. She had questioned what she was about to do so many times, had weighed up the pros and cons, wondered how Coop would feel about her decision when he was older but when it came down to it, she knew she couldn’t stay. “I love you James and I hope you won’t hate me for leaving but I need to move on and I can’t do that here. Coop’s here, he’s getting so big now, he took his first steps three days ago and I…I would have given anything for you to see it,” she sniffed closing her eyes in a vain attempt to stop the tears.
“I promise that when he’s old enough I’ll tell him all about you, I just hope you understand how difficult this is,” she said trailing her free hand along the top of the stone. “I wish there was a sign so I would know,” she whispered.
Whether it was a sign or a coincidence she couldn’t be sure, but as soon as the last syllable left her mouth the heavens opened, the rain poured and she knew she had to leave. It was almost as if he made it happen so she couldn’t stay, so she couldn’t change her mind, wouldn’t be able to sit here for hours like she would usually do.
With a sigh and a heavy heart she placed a kiss to her finger tips and then held it to the stone muttering, “I love you, I’ll never forget.”
The rain started pouring heavier, Cooper started crying and so she made herself walk back towards the car, hoping that this would give her the closure that she needed, hoping that she would be able to move on.
***
She pulled back into the parking complex of her apartment building and noticed the black Toyota four runner parked up in her allocated spot, as usual he was early.
“Looks like Uncle Kevy is here Coop,” she smiled, looking into the backseat of her car, laughing slightly when she realised her boy was sleeping soundly, not that she was the least bit surprised, it had always settled him. Hell when he had been a few weeks old and fussy during the middle of the night she would bundle him up, and drive around town, her gas bills had been huge and yeah it had made her carbon footprint bigger but at that time all she cared about was catching a few z’ss.
She unbuckled her belt and let herself out of the car, carefully shutting the door so that the noise wouldn’t wake the sleeping child, before she headed over to the parked car. She had to laugh again when she saw her brother in exactly the same position as Cooper, head resting back, arms crossed, eyes closed, mouth open slightly. She watched him sleep peacefully for a few seconds before the urge finally won over and she banged on the door, suddenly and loudly. It startled the hell out of him, caused him to sit bolt up right and hit his head against the sun visor that was down.
“Jesus Christ!” He yelled rubbing his head.
“Nope just me Kev,” she joked when she managed to stop laughing.
He mumbled some response that she couldn’t quite here before opening the door so he could get out, still rubbing his sore head.
“There are nicer ways to wake people up you know,” he told her as he wrapped his strong arms around her, holding her in a hug that she so desperately needed.
She returned the hug, circling her arms around his waist, squeezing him before answering, “When have you ever woken me up nicely?”
“Touché. How you doin’ sis?” he asked pulling away from her, leaning against the car looking at her intently.
“I’m good,” she lied not really knowing why, there was no way he was going to by it, hell she didn’t even smile when she said it, her voice was way too high pitched and she knew that her nostrils had flared, a dead give away that she was lying.
“Yeah right, want to try again?” he asked sceptically.
“I’m…it still hurts but I’m dealing with it better,” she told him truthfully.
“You want to go out and see him before we go?” He asked.
“I’ve just been actually, I kind of needed to go by myself, well with Coop obviously but…” she trailed off knowing that she didn’t need to explain, that he would understand just like he always had.
“You needed to tell him why?” He asked knowingly and she nodded her head, not really knowing why she started crying. She let him pull her into a hug again, not caring when he tears started to soak his shirt. “It’s okay to feel like this you know, he’d understand.”
“I know but I still feel like this is wrong, like I’m expecting him to walk through the door at any second and I keep thinking what if he does and I’m not here?” She asked pulling away from him, wiping at her eyes.
“No matter how badly you want that to happen Caity it’s not going to and you need to move on and that’s what you’re doing,” he rationalised, making her feel more confident about her decision.
“I know that, thanks for coming,” she said wrapping her arms around his neck, standing on her tip toes so she could give him a hug.
“You don’t have to thank me,” he said squeezing her back.
“Can I ask you a question?” She asked still hugging him.
“Shoot.”
“Why are there cheetos in your car? You hate them,” she said confused as she started to pull away from their hug.
“Yeah about that-” but he didn’t get to finish due to Cooper’s crying.
“Hold that thought,” she said as she started to make her way back to her car, picking up the pace when the crying grew louder, shriller and her mother’s intuition kicked in. It wasn’t a normal cry, like a “I’m hungry feed me,” or “I’m tired,” no it was a panicked cry and when she came to the other side of the car she could see why. The door she had shut quietly was wide open and she could make out someone sneakers at the bottom, his back curled over, the screaming from inside the car getting worse as he tried to “shhh” the panicked child.
Her adrenaline kicked in, her heart began to pound and she quickly ran the rest of the short distance to the car. She yanked the guy back, startling him, making him smack his head absent the roof of the car, he cried out in pain, moving to the side quickly.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing? How dare you try and-” she screeched stopping suddenly when he straightened up and she saw his face for the first time. She felt the blush creep into her face and spread down her neck as she just stared at him for a few seconds.
“Nice to see you too C,” he mumbled as he rubbed his sore head.
“Nick?”
***
“Nick?” She asked a bit shell shocked and he just smiled still rubbing his sore head.
“In the flesh, I take it Kevin didn’t tell you I was coming?” He asked shooting daggers to the other man who had made his way round to see what the commotion was.
“I was just about to before you woke Coop up. Kids get scared of strangers Nick,” he said sarcastically. He had been in a shitty mood the whole trip, complaining about the music Nick choose to listen to, moaning when he broke out the cheetos, telling him to put his shoes back on because his feet stank. It was like he could do nothing right and he hadn’t even wanted to come on this stupid trip anyway but as usual Kevin had dragged him along, the excuse being that he wanted some time alone with Nick, a chance to do some talking about the whole Paris thing. It was all a huge lie, Kevin just didn’t trust Nick to be alone on this down time before the tour. It was like dating Paris Hilton had lost him all his grown up points where Kevin was concerned and now he was back at the starting line, he had to earn everything back again and until then he was being treated with kid gloves. It sucked majorly but the others had thought it was a good idea and so here he was being firstly accused of trying to steal her baby and then of waking him up!
“He was already awake and crying, I wasn’t the one who left him in the car,” he retaliated snidely, looking to Caitlyn as she unbuckled the child from the seat and pulled him, attempting to soothe him.
“Don’t you accuse her of being a bad Mother,” Kevin shot back.
“I never said that!” He yelled back.
“BOYS!” She said pushing in between the pair. “Am I going to have to send you to opposite ends of the parking lot?” She threatened.
“No,” Nick replied.
“Good,” she smiled.
She hadn’t changed a bit he thought to himself. Her hair was still the same chestnut colour, a little shorter then what it had been but it framed her face well. There was no mistaking that she was a Richardson, her face wasn’t a chiselled as Kevin and Tim’s, and thank god, she didn’t have the eyebrows, but she had the greeny grey eyes and the tanned complexion. That was where the comparison ended though because personality wise she was nothing like Kevin.
She was more relaxed, less of a perfectionist, liked to fool around, loved laughing. Apparently these traits were similar to her Father, he had heard, on more then once occasion that she had Jerald’s personality down to a T, whereas Kevin was a lot more like his Mother, things had to be just so.
“I’m so sorry Nick,” she giggled after she managed to calm down the child in her arms. It was strange to think that she was a mother now, that in her arms that child was actually hers, it blew his mind.
“Don’t worry about it,” he grumbled rubbing his head again for good measure.
“It’s his own fault,” Kevin remarked but shut up when she shot him a look.
“Here’s you water wise one,” Nick sarcastically called to him as he angrily tossed the bottle to him, Kevin only just making the catch.
“I mean it boys, I will separate you,” she threatened again but he knew she was joking.
“Why do you have more cheetos? There’s still some in the car, you said you were going for drinks,” Kevin asked him, clearly frustrated as his food choice.
“Yeah like five left, that’s going to last the rest of the trip back.”
“Are you all packed up?” Kevin asked ignoring Nick and she nodded, “Well lets get this truck loaded then,” he suggested.
An hour later the only space left in the cars was for the four passengers, the cases and boxes were piled high, and he slammed the trunk shut, surprised when he found he was the only one in the parking garage. He shook his head in agitation and made his way over to the stairs that led back up to her apartment, letting himself in as the door was on the catch.
The apartment was empty, say for a few items of furniture that apparently weren’t coming with them, she had struck a deal with the next occupants of the apartment, it meant less shopping for them and an easier move for her, that was what she had said anyway. He took a look around the living room but there was no one there, the kitchen was empty as well as the bathroom, that only left the bedrooms.
He stumbled into what he presumed was Coopers room if the décor of Noah’s ark was anything to go by but again the room was silent and still, that only left one other possibility. He made his way across the hall and was about to knock when he heard her tears. He hesitated knowing that if he walked in he would receive the death glare from Kevin, probably a harsh talking to about being inconsiderate later on. Then again if Kevin was in there why wasn’t he saying anything? It was unusual for him to be quiet at times like these, he would usually say something, even if it was the biggest load of shit ever, he always said something. That meant that she was in there alone. All and alone and quite clearly upset.
That was even worse then walking in if Kevin was there. He had no idea what to say to her, no idea what she was feeling, he had never been very good when girls were upset, and this was something huge. No he was better to stay away, to let her grieve in peace and in private, Kevin would be back soon anyway, he’d know what to do.
He was just about to turn and leave when the door opened and she stood before him, her eyes red, puffy and still streaming. He didn’t know what to say or do but she made the decision for him, wrapping her arms around his waist, burying her head into his neck, crying openly. It took him a few seconds but with a bit of hesitation he wrapped his arms around her and just let her cry, purely because he could think of nothing else to say.
It took her a good five minutes but eventually she calmed down, pulling back from him so she could rub the tears from her eyes. She looked at him shyly, rubbing his shirt when she realised that wet mark was because of her tears.
“Sorry,” she sniffed.
“Don’t be. I uh…sorry about… I mean he…he sounded like a nice guy, I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly
“Why are you sorry? You didn’t blow him up,” she answered bitterly.
The mood changed quickly and he had never felt so uncomfortable in his life. What could he say after something like that? His body language must have given him away, perhaps it was the way he focused on his feet, how he rung his hands out but she sighed.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean…you were only being nice,” she apologised.
“You’re sick of hearing it though aren’t you?” He asked knowingly.
“Kind of. It’s not going to bring him back,” she shrugged as she made her way into the living room. “Sorry I’m kind of stuck in a Debbie Downer mood, for like the past year,” she tried to explain plopping down on the window seat and looking out.
His first impression that nothing about her had changed had been misconstrued, and he realised that she was completely different, she wasn’t the carefree girl he once knew she was a women now, a mother and a widow. She was his age, twenty five, too young to have to look on her face that was there now but the world didn’t seem to care about that.
“Well let me try and cheer you up,” he said sitting down next to her and she looked to him expectantly. “We have a what? Nine hour road trip ahead of us, Kevin is going to be there, we have snacks that annoy him already, I’m sure we can find the worlds most annoying music on the radio and failing that I know of a few road trip songs that will make him go insane.”
It worked, well kind of. She was laughing at least but it didn’t reach her eyes and he knew that he had a long task ahead of him.
He knew that he had to help her.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Caitlyn makes a difficult choice and an old friend reappears
Chapter End Notes:
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