She stood outside on the back porch, looking out at the green expanse before her, now understanding why her Mom had chosen to move here when everyone else had been so against it.
After her Father had passed it was quite obvious that she was not going to be able to continue living at the summer camp, they needed a manager and she was not going to be able to that on her own. The house was also too big, held too many memories for her and so she had decided that a move was in order, a change of scenery was what she needed. Her children had been outraged, how could she possibly want to leave their Father behind, sure she had bad memories of him in that home, memories of his final months but there were some amazing memories there too. She had sat down and spoken to them all, Tim and Jerry had been in support after that but Kevin had taken it hard and decided that if she wasn’t staying he was going back to Florida. Both her Mothers choice and her brothers had angered her, she had already lost her father, how could her Mother take her away from the home that she loved, make her brother leave because of her decision?
Well she understood now.
Yes it was important to remember, but it was also important to move on, to get on with life. You couldn’t do that if everywhere you turned you saw the person who was missing, the person who had been stolen from you. You needed a fresh start, some place where you could make new memories.
That was what she was doing.
She wondered down the wooden stairs and made her way along the stone path, marvelling at the beauty of the wild flowers that had grown, at how sweet the grass smelt, about how much nature was in this small patch of garden before she sat on the bench that she had watch her Father build.
“But why are you building her one? You could but it at the store,” she tried to rationalise in her nine year old brain. Her Father stopped plaining the wood then, he wiped the sweat of his brow and looked to her, signalling for her to come a bit closer.
“Because young Lady, it’s far nicer to create things for someone you love then just buy them. They become more sentimental, have more value to the person who receives them,” he told her.
“Like MaMaw’s fruit bowl? The one Tim made her?” She asked.
“Right, and you know in the future you may even have this bench in your garden, so you can sit on it and read stories to your grandbabies,” he told her.
“But where will you be?” She asked confused, a frown forming on her fresh face.
“Sitting on a rocking chair probably sleeping,” he laughed as he went back to plaining.
If only the last part had been true She thought to herself as she ran the hand in the little divot that Kevin had created when he and Tim had been firing the pellet gun at each other.
“What are you thinking about?” Her Mom asked as she made her way down the garden path, wrapping her arms around herself when the breeze blew threw.
“How you must have felt when Dad died. Did it…did it make it easier to know that it was going to happen? To know how much time you had left with him?” She asked moving over so Ann could also sit down.
“No. I think it made it worse, there were so many things that we wanted to do, so many places we wanted to go and I knew that we weren’t going to have the time. I know that this is going to sound strange but you are luckier then I was,” she said looking out over the pond.
“Luckier?” She asked confused and slightly angry at her Mom’s choice of words.
“I know how much it hurts, I know that right now it’s going to be the last thought on your mind but you’re young Caitlyn, you’re twenty five you have a whole life ahead of you still, a chance to meet someone else.”
“I don’t want anybody else,” she told her quickly.
“Maybe not right now but you might change your mind,” she said putting her hand on her daughters leg.
“You were only forty nine when Dad died, why didn’t you find someone else?” She retaliated. Her Mother chose to ignore her comment and just stayed silent for a while which suited Caitlyn, she really didn’t want to get into this now. She was feeling guilty enough for leaving their home, for leaving him behind, she couldn’t even contemplate moving on with someone else, having some other man help her raise Cooper.
“Nick’s not changed has he?” Anne asked breaking the silence.
“He’ll never change, just be thankful that you didn’t have to put up with him and Kevin bickering like two school children in the car,” she told her rolling her eyes.
“Were they that bad?” She laughed.
“At one point I thought Kevin was either going to throw Nick out of the car and make him walk, or kill him.”
“I don’t think he was that impressed when I said Nick should have the spare room and he take the couch,” she agreed.
“That’s why I came out here. Is Coop okay?” She asked.
“He’s with Kevin, he’s fine. Will and Olivia can’t wait to see him,” Anne told her with a smile at the mention of her other grandchildren.
“Do you think I made the right decision?” She asked looking to her Mom properly for the first time since she came out to join her. Anne was quiet for a few minutes most likely choosing her words carefully.
“It doesn’t matter what I think, isn’t that what you’ve always told me?” She asked with a knowing smile.
“I…you know-” she tried to justify what she had said in the past but luckily Ann cut her off.
“I just want you to be happy again. I know it’s not going to happen over night, you are always going to have a part of you that wonders whether things could have been different, what would have happened if you had stayed in North Carolina. Then again if you had stayed you would have wondered what would have happened if you hadn’t have left. At the end of the day pumpkin I just want you to be happy and if that means coming to live back here that’s fine but if this doesn’t work and you want to move somewhere else that’s fine too. Things happen for a reason Caitlyn I mean I had given up hope of having a daughter when Kevin was born and then nine years later out you popped unexpectedly,” she smiled warmly making Caitlyn chuckle.
“Thanks Mom,” she said wrapping her arms around her.
“You’re welcome baby. Now do we dare go back in to see if poor Nick is still alive?” She joked squeezing back.
“I suppose we should.”
***
She yawned as she padded down the stairs while balancing Cooper on her hip carefully avoiding the questionable glances from the other occupant in the living room. She really wasn’t in the mood to get into an argument now, she was tired and cranky. Cooper had been fussy all night, refusing to settle, probably from the fact that he had slept a lot in the car on the drive up and from the differing surroundings of his new room. She eventually caved, pulled him into the bed with her and even though she was dog tired she couldn’t settle enough to sleep, the thoughts about her decision being the wrong one plaguing her already confused mind.
“You need to hurry up we’re leaving in ten minutes,” Kevin told her, pointing to his watch for emphasis, almost as if the action would hurry her up.
“I’m not going,” she said as she walked into the kitchen, grabbing a banana from the fruit bowl before placing Cooper in the playpen. She walked across to the cupboards smiling a quick “Good Morning,” to Nick who was sat at the table drinking coffee.
“Morning,” he smiled in reply before pushing his chair back so he could settle a now crying Cooper, “What’s wrong little guy?” He asked as he picked him up.
“He’s hungry, breakfast is coming Coop,” she said as she mashed up the banana and placed the bottle of milk into the microwave to warm it up a bit.
“What do you mean you aren’t coming?” Kevin asked when he finally followed her into the kitchen.
She sighed quietly before reiterating, “That I’m not going.”
“Does Mom know?” He asked crossing his arms over his chest.
“She will in a minute,” she said as she made her way back over to the kitchen table where Cooper was now sat on Nick’s lap, laughing at the funny faces he was pulling. She smiled at him before offering the spoon to Cooper so he could eat the mashed banana, his favourite thing for breakfast.
“Cait, come on,” Anne said as she bustled into the kitchen, fixing the clasp of her earring, “Let me do that, you get changed,” she said trying to grab the spoon from her but she pulled it away.
“I’m not going,” she said again, “Open up for the choo choo,” she cooed to Cooper who clapped his hands while opening his mouth as wide as it could go.
“Cait don’t do this now, go and get changed,” she tried again successfully grabbing the spoon out of her hand.
“No I’m not going,” she said again.
“Why?” Ann asked when Cait turned her face back to Cooper. He was looking from his Mother who held the bowl of mashed banana to his grandma who held the spoon but nothing seemed to be going to him and maybe that was the reason for his frustrated cries.
“Because,” she said grabbing the spoon from her Mother, “I don’t want to. I’m not getting in to it now, you guys will be late so go,” she said placing the full spoon into her sons mouth, soothing his crying.
“Well everyone wants to see you,” Ann tried again placing her hand on her hip. That was the problem though, they all wanted to see her to offer their condolences and these were people that she hadn’t seen in a few years, she was so sick of the looks of pity, at the offer of support, of how sadly they looked at Cooper when they realised his Father was gone.
That was one reason anyway, the reason she would offer to her Mom when she kept fishing.
“Ma, I’m tired Cooper didn’t let me sleep much last night and I’m not really up to seeing everyone yet,” she said.
“What about Tim? Can’t you go for him?” Kevin interjected and she wanted to slap him.
“He’ll understand, it’s not like it’s a one time gig he had been a pastor for seven years,” she snidely remarked making his nostrils flare. It was funny how with one trait you could tell what person was thinking. Her nostrils flaring was a dead give away that she was lying, his meant that he was pissed and about to see red.
“That’s not the point,” He said the tone in his voice becoming dangerous.
“Fine if you don’t want to come then don’t, but I expect you there next week. We’ll be back to pick you up about eleven,” Ann intervened.
“Pick me up?” She asked confused.
“Tracey’s doing lunch,” Ann explained as she slipped into her shoes.
“Don’t drive all the way back, I’ll meet you there,” she offered as she walked to the microwave to retrieve the warm milk.
“Okay, you want me to take Coop?” She asked.
“You just want to show him off,” Caitlyn teased handing her the bottle of milk before she kissed her Mom on the cheek before she made her way back upstairs so she could have a bath, not missing the glares that Kevin shot her.
***
He was flicking aimlessly through the TV stations, now realising why he slept in on Sundays, actually who was he trying to kid if he got the chance he would sleep in till noon most days. It was a habit he had picked up whilst he had been with Paris, they would be out partying most nights, crawling into bed just as the first few rays of the sun were about to rise. There they would lull away all morning and some of the afternoon before they would get up shower, maybe have some dinner and then get ready to go back out again, and that had been his life for a just under a year. One hell of a wasted year, he thought to himself bitterly.
When he compared what Caitlyn had done in that same year, well it didn’t compare. She had gotten married, moved to a different state, had a baby, all while he had been partying it up. Then again there was no way he wanted to swap lives with her because all that happiness had been ripped from her, yes he had hurt but not nearly as badly as she had to be.
On the drive up she had been unusually quiet, crying silently for the first hour after they left. She thought the sunglasses had hidden it, that sitting in the back with Cooper, forcing Nick to sit in the front with Kev meant that no one would notice but he had. He caught her wiping her cheek when he looked in the wing mirror. He was going to say something, to try and alert Kevin quietly thinking that maybe he would be able to comfort her better then what he could. He hadn’t gotten the message though, thought that Nick’s mumbling was a way of winding him up, some joke and had threatened to throw him out of the car. He was going to tell him when they stopped for gas but she looked okay then, the tears gone and she had insisted upon driving the next leg of the journey, so he left it alone.
The had made it to Kentucky just in time for dinner and he had been happy when Ann announced that she was serving up the famous Richardson chilli. He had always enjoyed meal times with the Richardson’s and the Littrell’s, it was a time when usually the whole family would come together, talk about their day or what had happened since they had last come together, would reminisce about stuff.
So different from his family.
When the Carter’s got together it was usually utter mayhem, none of his siblings could really cook so they usually ended up eating take out, very rarely at the dinner table either. It usually consisted of them lounging around the TV chowing down on pizza, an argument ensuing half way through. It was a rare occurrence though and he wasn’t sure whether or not he should be thankful for that, his family dynamics were by no means normal but he wanted to be close to them again just without all the drama. He had barely heard from any of his siblings for the past month, then again he hadn’t made much of an effort and he was supposed to be their big brother.
He pulled out his cell phone in an attempt to call one of them up, to see how they were doing but sighed in frustration when he realised that the battery had died. With one glance back at the TV he realised that there was still going to be nothing on of any interest and he made himself walk up the stairs to retrieve his charger from the spare room where he was currently staying.
With it in hand he made his way back along the hallway and was just about to descend down the staircase when he heard what was unmistakably someone sniffing. Then he heard the sob that obviously escaped and for the second time in a week he felt uncomfortable about being left in the house alone with her. He didn’t know whether to just leave her like he had planned to last time but then again thinking back she seemed better after their chat, after he held her. Maybe that was what she needed, a hug, someone to listen to her. So after a few seconds of hesitation he knocked on the door.
He heard her sudden in take of breath and the water slosh from the bath she was obviously in before she called out, “Who is it?” Of course she had already been upstairs when Kevin and Ann had taken Cooper to church, him staying behind for his own reasons. She obviously thought he had gone with them.
“It’s Nick.”
“Uh…there’s a bathroom down stairs if you need to pee, I’m in the bath,” she said quickly.
“I don’t need to…pee,” he hesitated scrunching up his nose, she didn’t need to know that, “Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” she answered a little to quickly.
“I thought I heard crying,” he tried again but got no response. “I’ll be downstairs,” he said before making his way back down.
***
She managed to pull herself together, to stop crying and fifteen minutes after he had knocked on the door she pulled the plug on the bath, watching as the level of water receded before her eyes before she wrapped the towel around her body and made her way across the hall to what was now her room.
She dried herself off all the while thinking about how she could play this off, about whether he would ignore what had happened, ignore that he had over heard her crying. She was hoping that he would, the old Nick had never been very good with emotions, hiding his, ignoring hers, hell that was one of the main reasons why they broke it off, that and the thing that no one else knew about, that no one would ever know about.
Shaking the thoughts of the past from her head she selected the dress from the closet and was just about to put it over her head when she realised it was what she had been wearing when she had received the news about Jack. It was enough to open the flood gates again and she cried bringing the garment up to her face to muffle her sobs. Why hadn’t she just gotten rid of it? Why was she still crying over stuff like this when he had been gone just over a year now? Surely this was supposed to get better, to get easier? That was what people had told her anyway.
Again she managed to pull herself together after a few minutes and threw the dress to the side, selecting instead a pair of faded jeans, a purple tank top and a pair of brown leather flip flops. It would by far be a better choice anyway, what with chasing Coop around and she was in no doubt that her niece and nephew would want her to go on the trampoline with them. She pulled her hair into a ponytail, placed the necklace on and added a light sprinkling of blusher with a hint of mascara before she grabbed her purse and took one last glance in the mirror she headed downstairs.
He was in the living room, his back to her when she made her way down the stairs, he was deep in conversation on his side kick and she made her way in to the kitchen unnoticed smiling when she found what he had done.
He had remembered.
Like Coop she liked fruit for breakfast very rarely ate cereal or toast, opting to add a yoghurt with her choice. Laid out on the counter was a plate and there was a peeled banana, a few strawberries, some melon and grapes his artistic side coming out as it was laid out in the shape of a smiley face. The yoghurt and cup of black coffee standing next to it all.
She jumped when she heard his voice, “I haven’t put the sugar in, didn’t know whether that was how you still took it.”
“Yeah I do, I can’t believe you remembered this,” she chuckled turning to face him.
“Why would I forget?” he shrugged with a smile.
“It was a long time ago, you eaten?” she asked as she carried it all over to the table.
“Yeah. Are you-”
“Please don’t say okay,” she interjected as he sat on the chair opposite her.
“-looking forward to seeing Tim?” He said changing his sentence as the last minute making her laugh.
“Yeah. How come you didn’t go with them? Kevin ask you to stay here and keep an eye on me?” She said with a roll of her eyes as she tucked into the strawberries.
“He’s only looking out for you but no he didn’t ask me to, you know me and church,” he shrugged taking a sip of his own coffee.
“You used to go though, you used to moan like hell but you’d still go, what changed?” She asked curiously eyeing him.
“Why aren’t you there?” he countered with a rise of his eyebrow.
“You heard me earlier I’m just not ready to see everybody,” she lied trying her hardest not to let her nostrils flare but it was too late he had seen.
“Liar, liar pants on fire. You feel like you’d be a hypocrite don’t you?” He asked her.
“How do you know me so well Nick?” She asked resting her head on her arm.
“Because it’s how I feel. I can’t go in there and pray and be all rejoicey when I’m mad at him, when days go by that I question his existence,” he explained.
“Why have you lost your faith?” She asked. She knew she didn’t have to explain to him why she had lost hers, it was obvious enough for anyone to see, hell she knew that both Kevin and her Mom hadn’t really bought her story earlier but she would have to deal with that next week.
“Long, long story, I wouldn’t want to bore you,” he told her, stealing a piece of apple from her plate.
“Hey you said you’d eaten,” she said pretending to jab at him with her fork, “and you wouldn’t bore me.”
“Maybe another time, I want to know why you were crying first,” he said making her sigh and look away from him. “Come on C talk to me.”
“My husband died Nick what more is there to say?” She said looking at him again, begging the tears not to fall again.
“A whole lot more,” he prompted but she stood firm and went back to eating her fruit. “Look if you ever want someone to talk to you can call me, I’ll probably be useless on the advice front but I have to two fully functional ears,” he said with a smile making her laugh again.
“I think Kevin would have something to say about that last part,” she snickered.
“He just has no taste in music,” he responded stealing yet another piece of apple.
“HEY!” she whined.
“Uh uh, I’m only helping to hurry you up, we’re already going to be late,” he said pointing at the clock.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Nick tries to comfort Caitlyn
