Author's Chapter Notes:
Caitlyn realises that Nick is just as lost as she is
She was lost in her own little perfect world again, thinking about how he should have been there, how maybe he was inside with Tim helping to do the dishes, how all three of them had come to Kentucky on vacation to see her family. When her brother made his way over to her she was soon snapped back to cold harsh reality, he was gone and she was not on vacation, she was living here again.
“We missed you this morning,” he said, handing her the cup of coffee in his had before sitting next to her.
“I was exhausted from the journey and Coop wouldn’t settle last night,” she tried to explain.
“I wasn’t telling you off, I was just saying you were missed is all,” he laughed at her excuses.
“Sorry,” she smiled back.
“So you ready to live with Mom again?” he asked.
“It’s going to be temporary just until I find my feet again. I love her but there is no way I’m going to be able to live with her for more then a few months,” she joked.
“Well you know we always have room here,” he offered. He had been the first to offer but she knew she just couldn’t do it, she couldn’t live with a Pastor not when she didn’t believe herself. Tim wasn’t one to preach a lot, if you didn’t believe you didn’t believe but she knew he would have a lot to say to her. He would try to convince her that this was all part of some master plan laid out by God, that there was some reason for her heart to feel this heavy and she just didn’t want to hear it, not yet anyway. There would be a time when it would be unavoidable, she wasn’t that naive to think he wouldn’t notice when she never turned up to hear his sermons, hell he had noticed on the first one.
“The sooner I find my own place the better, but thanks for the offer.”
“It will always be there. So what are you going to do now? Are you going to go back to work are you going to stay home with Coop?”
“What is this the Spanish inquisition?” She joked.
“I just want to know what your plans are, so I can maybe help you out,” he said punching her in the arm lightly.
“To be honest Tim, I have no clue, I’m just going to take each day as it comes,” She said turning her head in the direction of her son when she heard his playful squeal of delight. She smiled brightly when she realised Nick was the cause of those squeals, spinning around with him having to stop after a few turns because of feeling dizzy.
“Uh oh I’ve seen that look before,” Tim commented.
“What?” She asked confused turning back to her brother.
“You two were good together, what happened?” he asked.
Too Much she thought to herself. There was way too much history there, too many unpleasant memories, stuff that she swore she would never share with anyone else, especially not a clergy man.
“We were young,” she shrugged.
“He’s not a bad guy you know, he and Jack were quite similar,” he pointed out.
“Don’t do that,” she warned.
“Do what?”
“Compare him to Jack. Tell me that it’s okay for me to move on, he’s only been gone a year Tim, I’ve already moved away from him, that’s a hard enough change,” she reeled off.
“Woah. Where did that come from? I’m not saying that you need to jump into a relationship now. It’s okay to move on though Cait, to fall in love again, to be with someone else. He would have wanted that,” he tried to tell her but it was the wrong thing at that moment.
“Don’t tell me what he would have wanted, you don’t know anything about it,” she said the volume of her voice rising making the others look to them.
“Caity I-” Tim tried slightly shocked at her outburst but it was too late she had already stalked off to the front of the house.
She didn’t even know why she was crying. He hadn’t said anything hurtful, he had just told her the truth that it was okay to move on, that it would be okay to love again but it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She didn’t know what she wanted from people anymore, she certainly was sick of the sympathy but she wasn’t quite ready to think about moving on in her life like that.
She wiped the tears from her face but carried on walking away from the house, she couldn’t go back after storming off like that, not now anyway, she just needed some time by herself, time that she hadn’t had since she had been here, time that she was unlikely to get for a while. So she headed in a place where she had always been able to find solace, always been able to forget and she hoped that it would serve the same purpose now.
She smiled when she neared the stable, the smile growing even wider when she realised who was in the first pen. How she had missed him when she had moved, and the last time she had been here she had been too pregnant with Coop to be able to ride him. Now was a different matter, she couldn’t wait to saddle him up, to take him along the same track where Jerry had taught her how to ride. She glanced at her watch and then back to the house in the distance, it was only two in the afternoon, that was plenty of time to take him out, she only needed an hour.
“Hey boy, missed me?” She asked as she stroked down the mussel of the chestnut coloured horse who was more interested in the hay that he was eating. She paid him some more attention for a few minutes before making her way into the stable, finding the saddle room she pulled one down, found a helmet and walked back out, noticing that she had been followed. Then again maybe she hadn’t if the cigarette in his hand was anything to go by.
“Has anyone ever told you that stables and flames aren’t really a good mixture?” She asked making him spin around, trying unsuccessfully to hid the object in his hand.
“I didn’t know you were here,” Nick replied looking uneasy.
“Those things will kill you, you know. And if they don’t Tim and Kev will for smoking out here,” she told him as she placed the saddle over the side of the fence before opening the door to Jacob’s stable so she could walk him out.
“That’s a big horse,” he commented as he continued to smoke.
“Captain Obvious strikes again. Still not a lover of horses?” She asked as she began to saddle up Jacob.
“When you get almost trampled by one you tend to be a bit wary after,” he added.
“I did warn you about going behind him,” she said through a smile.
“Whatever,” he mumbled stubbing out the cigarette against the fence panel, dropping the stub to the floor.
“You might want to pick that up,” she warned, “My brothers won’t be impressed if they find it and considering no one else here smokes I’m pretty sure they would come and beat down on your ass.”
“Be a big one considering I told Kev I quit,” He said reaching down to pick up the dog end before placing it in his pocket.
“When did you start?” She asked as she tightened everything in place.
“Does it matter?”
“After Paris?” She questioned and he just stared blankly at her. “What happened there?” She tried, knowing there was no way he was going to open up to her about it. “So looking forward to the tour?” She asked changing the subject.
“Yeah it should be a blast. I mean it’s going to be different for one thing Alex is going to be sober, Brian has Baylee now, but I’m sure its going to be great,” he smiled.
“Howie will still go partying with you,” she suggested knowing that was what he was worried about.
“Are you going to make a few trips out?” he asked wearily making his way closer to Jacob.
“I’m sure I can manage at least one,” she replied placing the helmet on her head, snapping the clasps shut.
“You need a boost?” He offered and she nodded her head, sticking her foot into his cupped hands before launching herself up and over the Arabian Stallion. “Want me to tell them what you’re doing?”
“Would you mind?” She asked as she got comfortable.
“No problem.”
***
She knew that she was going to be in trouble when she got back, especially since they looked like they were saddling up the two horses. She hadn’t meant to be that long but once she started riding she found that it was what she needed, a welcomed respite from her own mind, a time where she didn’t have to think. She just enjoyed the time of being able to take in all of the amazing scenery that Kentucky had to offer, of all the nature that surrounded her, only realising how late it must have gotten when the sun started to descend.
Now the last few rays were just about to disappear beyond the horizon and she was only just making her way back and the closer she got the more she knew that her brothers were pissed. She trotted past them and into slowed Jacob to a stop just outside his stable, all the while avoiding the questionable stares. She jumped off the horse, and led him by the rains into this stable but she knew she wouldn’t get as far as removing the saddle before one of them spoke.
“Where the hell were you?” Kevin angrily asked as he followed her inside, Tim hot on his heels.
“Sorry I lost track of time,” she apologised, continuing to remove the saddle.
“We didn’t know where you were, anything could have happened to you out there. You know better then to not tell someone what trail you were going on,” he continued to rant.
“I said I was sorry alright,” she argued back.
“Alright time out,” Tim interjected like he had always had to. Her and Kevin were both equally hot headed, and stubborn neither willing to back down when they thought they were right, if he hadn’t of been there then it would have gotten pretty ugly pretty quickly.
“Caitlyn you should have told us where you were going, Kev she apologised, can we leave it at that?” He asked.
“Fine,” he agreed.
“Are Mom and Coop still here?” She asked as she shut the stable door, removing her helmet when that was done.
“No she took him home, he was getting tired. I need to catch a lift back with you,” Kevin told her as he began to walk towards the house.
“What’s stuck up his ass?” She grumbled as she helped Tim make sure the stable was secure, that the three horses had enough feed and water for the night.
“First cycle didn’t work,” he said leaving her more confused as he filled one of the feed buckets up.
“Cycle of what?” She asked.
“IVF.”
“No one told me they were trying IVF,” she told him. “Why am I always left out of the loop? I’m not a child anymore.”
“I don’t think he purposely left you out. I just think what with everything that’s happened this year and with the move maybe he thought you had enough of your own problems,” he shrugged not making her feel any better.
“So now I’m too damaged to help out my other family members, great,” she whined.
“I didn’t say that.”
“What? I’m always the last to know. I was the last to know when Tracey got pregnant with Will, I was last to know when Mom thought about moving, I was the last to know that Kristin used to think you were hot,” she reeled off.
“She thinks I’m hot?” He asked with a smirk.
“So maybe I wasn’t the last to know and she USED to think you were hot,” she said as they slowly made their way back up to the house. “I’m not going to break under the strain of knowing all your guys problems you know.”
“Well in that case you care to help me with my fungal toe nail problem?” He asked breaking out into laughter when she scrunched up her nose in disgust.
“That’s disgusting. I didn’t need to know about that,” she said shoving him slightly.
“You said,” he pointed out.
“I know, I know I only have myself to blame,” she told him holding her hands up in surrender.
“Are you okay?” He asked in all seriousness as they reached the porch, Kevin already standing beside the car shooting her a look that probablt meant “get your ass over here I want to go home now!”
“Yeah, sorry for this afternoon. I don’t really know where that came from,” she said as she hugged him goodbye.
“You don’t have to be sorry, just come and talk to me if you need to, my door is always open,” he told her as he gave her a squeeze before pulling back to place a kiss on her cheek.
“Well actually its closed at the moment,” she pointed out.
“Oh Shut up smart ass,” he said giving her a nudge as he rolled his eyes at her literal interpretation of his comment.
“Ohh can Pastor’s say ass?” She teased.
“Yes, we can kick em too,” he threatened.
“Say bye to Tracy and the kids for me? I’ll pop by sometime in the week,” she said as she made her way towards the car that Kevin was now sat in.
“I will, try not to kill each other on the way home kay?”
“Can’t promise anything,” she giggled before opening the door to the car and climbing in.
She put the key in the ignition, pushed in her seat belt and before long they were both making their way towards their Mothers in silence. The radio want even on which was a rare occurrence but she didn’t make a move to switch it on and neither did he, it was driving her insane, if there was one thing they were good at doing it was being stubborn, wanting the other to crack and hell the last time that had happened had been when she was refusing to go to Jack’s burial. He had cracked then maybe it was her turn now.
“You win,” she said lightly as she continued to concentrate on the road ahead of her.
“I knew I would,” he tried to joke but he sounded…well he sounded down, dejected, and the more she thought about it the more she realised how he had been like it since he had picked her and Coop up. That was the reason for his short temper with Nick, why he had flown off the handle at her earlier and she wondered if anyone here apart from Tim knew about the IVF.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly.
“It’s okay, I know you just needed to escape for a bit, just next time tell Nick what trail you’re going on, better yet tell one of us cause he won’t remember.”
“I wasn’t saying sorry for that,” she informed him.
He looked to her confused, wondering what she was twittering on about before asking, “Then what are you sorry for?”
“The IVF. It will happen Kev,” she told him when he looked away.
“Tim tell you?” he scoffed.
“Yeah so what’s with all the secrets? Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked slightly hurt about being kept out of the loop on something so important.
“You’ve got your own problems,” he bluntly told her as he stared out into the darkness.
“Yeah which you have supported me through when you’ve got yours. You know what I’m not going to break from the strain, I know you all think that I will and that I can’t cope with too much sad stuff but I’m a big girl now,” she said a hint of resentment in her voice.
“Caitlyn it’s…” he tried to make an excuse then stopped with a sigh, “…You’re right maybe we are over protective of you. We don’t do it to keep you out of the loop, well not purposely anyway,” he said when he looked over to her questioning face. “You’re our baby sister, no matter how much you hate it the fact that you came along later means that we want to protect you.”
“By later you mean the unplanned shock that Mom gave Dad?” She joked as she pulled into her Mom’s drive and shut off the engine.
“All of us actually,” he nodded before a small smile broke out. “You’ve been through a lot Cait, stuff that you shouldn’t of had to at your age and we couldn’t protect you from that, no matter how much we wanted to. I just think we all see you as this little girl with pigtails who would want to follow us everywhere but you’re not now, you’re this incredibly strong women and we need to kind of catch up I guess. It’s not that I didn’t want you to know, it’s just…well with all what you’ve been through my problems are quite insignificant in comparison,” he explained.
“No there not. I want to be there for you that’s family is about and to be honest worrying about your problems is going to mean me not thinking about my own for a while,” she told him.
“Alright okay. No more secrets,” he told her.
“Promise?” She asked.
“Cross my heart,” he said actioning his words with his hands.
She smiled at him and then leant across wrapping her arms around her big brother in a hug that she knew he needed. “Do you need some cookie dough?” She asked and he pulled away laughing at her strange question.
“What?” he asked.
“Cookie dough, solves all problems no matter how big. Well apart from being depressed about how much weight you gain because of all the cookie dough you’ve eaten but then if you’ve eaten THAT much cookie dough your life probably does suck and so that should be the least of your worries,” she waffled on as they climbed out of the car making him laugh at her.
“You know what you’re worse then Nick when you go off on a tangent,” he told her.
“Hey I heard that,” he shouted indignantly from the porch obviously realising he had given his hiding place away due to the fact that he was unsuccessfully trying to hide the cigarette in his hand.
“You said you quit,” Kevin told him, his good mood instantly gone.
“Give me a break, I already quit junk food for you,” he grumbled before taking an extra long drag no doubt to just piss Kevin off even more, making Caitlyn shake her head at him in warning.
“Boys, boys. Nick it’s bad for you but if you want to pullulate your own lungs then go ahead just don’t expect any sympathy from Kevin when your voice sounds like shit. Kevin he’s a big boy now let him learn by himself,” she said standing in between them, like she had so many times before.
“Whatever,” Kevin said shaking his head in distain as he stalked into the house, closing the door behind him.
“Jesus what the hell is wrong with him,” Nick huffed as he took another drag before sitting on the porch swing. “He’s just constantly been on my case lately.”
“He’s got a lot on his mind,” she tried as she jumped up onto the railing of the porch so she could sit.
“Doesn’t mean he has to take it out on me,” he replied.
“No you’re right but when you do things to piss him off, he’s going to blow, you of all people should know that, especially with the whole smoking leading to cancer thing, what killed our Dad Nick?” She prompted rotating her hands as if she were trying to get the cogs in his brain to work.
“Shit. I didn’t even…It wasn’t lung cancer though,” he pointed out scratching the bottom of his bare foot the cigarette hanging unattractively from his mouth.
She rolled her eyes at his comment before continuing, “Doesn’t matter. Look he’s just looking out for you, he’s always going to look out for you and he is always going to be on your case when he sees stuff that he doesn’t like, it’s just him.”
“Wasn’t there much when I was with evil bitch Barbie.”
“I don’t believe I’ve seen this brand, is it similar to porn star Barbie?” She joked and he even cracked a smile.
“Yep and they are both in the what am I actually famous for range, each slut sold separately but they do come with their very own rat dogs,” he joked back laughing now.
“It’s good that you can joke about it,” she told him and it was then his smile faded. “She hurt you didn’t she?”
“Yeah enough about me,” he said quickly averting his eyes from her as he tried to change the subject.
She knew better then to carry on prying if he didn’t want to talk about something then he wouldn’t, he would either just walk away, or would play to annoying shadow game until you got so pissed off that you walked away. He hadn’t always been like it, when they had first gotten together he had been quite open with her, cried in front of her, shared his secrets, his ambitions, his trust. It was when all the family issues arose that he shut down, built all the walls that she hadn’t been able to break down and then with…no she swore to herself that she wouldn’t keep thinking about it. The what ifs didn’t matter, what had been done was not going to change, it was in the past, she had forgiven him and eventually herself but for them it had been too late. She tried to blame it on how he was so closed off, how he was untrusting and unreliable but she had been to blame just as equally.
She looked across to him, studied his features, he looked the same really, slightly chunkier but it made sense, he was a big comfort eater and with the break up with Paris it was no wonder he had put on a few extra pounds. They would soon fall off with the tour but it wasn’t that she was worried about, his spark, well it seemed to have disappeared. Sure he was still cracking jokes, still pissing Kevin off but he looked kind of lost, his eyes just didn’t have the sparkle that they used to and she wondered when he had lost that.
“You know what you said to me about calling you if I needed to talk?” She asked making him look back to her and nod. “I hope you know the same goes for you too. I know it didn’t work out between us but I still care about you Nick and you know you can talk to me don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he answered unsurely.
“You can, I’ll always listen. I know we kind of drifted apart these past couple of years and maybe I’m to blame-”
He cut her off quickly, “No it wasn’t you. I kind of cut myself off from everybody. You know I was warned by so many people, Kevin even tried,” he said shaking his head at himself.
“He told me. He also told me that it was pointless to keep on at you about it because eventually you would see and he’d be there then.”
“To rag on my ass and never let me forget about it?” he scoffed.
“To help you through it,” she said as she jumped down from the railings so she could walk over and sit beside him, punching his arm playfully when he rolled his eyes at her last comment. “He’s not the ogre you make him out to be. C’mon who was there when she was spreading all that shit about you? Who pulled her aside at a party and told her to “quit messing with little brother,” she imitated trying to drop her voice a few octaves making him laugh at her poor impersonation of her brother.
“He did.”
“You may hate it but you are stuck with him now. He’s not a bad guy to have around you know, yeah he’s a perfectionist, yeah sometimes he doesn’t know when to have a little fun but when it really matters he’s there,” she said.
“Thanks C,” he smiled stubbing out the rest of the cigarette before wrapping her in a hug. She was taken a little by surprise at first but quickly returned the hug.
“I do agree with him on the smoking front though,” she said as they pulled apart making him roll his eyes again. “You stink Nick, more then usual.”
“Hey,” he said smelling his shirt, feigning being hurt by her words.
“It’s true.”
“Whatever.”
“So when are you guys heading back?” She asked.
“Day after tomorrow. First show is in three weeks,” he told her.
“I know it’s the 22nd right?” she asked and he nodded, “It’s Coop’s birthday.”
“Second one?” He asked.
“Yep, my little weed is growing fast.”
“Motherhood suits you,” he told her and she knew that it was time to leave. She couldn’t have this conversation again not when the pain of raising him alone was still to strong.
“You coming in?” She asked, wrapping her arms around her middle to keep the slight chill from the night air at bay.
“In a bit, it’s quite nice just sitting out here,” he told her.
“Listening to a cricket serenade? I’ve done a lot of that this past year,” she agreed.
“Well I cant really do it where I live at the moment.”
“LA?” She asked knowingly.
“Yep. Night C,” He said grabbing her hand as she stood, giving a slight squeeze before letting it go.
“Night Nickers,” she said calling him by the nickname she had bestowed on him so long ago without even realising.
Chapter End Notes:
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