Chapter Twenty: Complicated and Consuming
I always had the worst timing. By the time I'd decided what needed to be done, it was too late to talk to Nick. He'd already gone into soundcheck, and there was no way I would have been able to get him alone. After soundcheck they had a meet and greet, and I figured that giving him a big love confession and apology wasn't the best thing to do in front of the fans. Or AJ and Brian.
So instead of doing what I wanted, I glumly walked back to my hotel room. I felt sick and apprehensive. All I wanted to do was talk to Nick, and I wouldn't be able to for a while. It was consuming my thoughts and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. Now that I had an action plan I couldn't even cry anymore. All I could really do was worry myself to death over it.
Yeah, because that was a good idea.
I got back to my room and saw that Bev was back. I contemplated telling her everything, but I really didn't want to hash out the whole situation again. It was just going to make me more upset and that definitely wasn't something I needed.
“Hey.” I said, forcing a smile on my face. “How was sightseeing?”
She shrugged. “It was okay. How come there's an extra comforter on your bed?” She asked, quickly changing the subject.
Damn her! I couldn't think of a feasible reason why I would have an extra comforter on my bed. I was going to have to tell her the whole story. That sucked.
“It's Nick's.” I said simply, letting her fill in the rest in her mind. Then I flopped down on the bed and laid against the comforter.
She was silent for a minute. “You slept with Nick!?” She finally exclaimed.
Remember that part where I said I couldn't even cry anymore? Well I was wrong. I could. And I was. Dammit. “Yeah.” I choked out, burying my head into a pillow.
That probably confused Bev to no end. “Was he really that bad?” She asked quizzically. I had to giggle through my tears at that.
“No.” I sighed, taking a deep breath to try to calm myself down. “He wasn't bad at all. We even did it twice.”
“Twice?!” She laughed. “Is he some kind of machine?”
I shrugged. “He must be, with all those stupid groupies he does.”
I sat up and looked at Bev. She was wearing a frown. Had I really been that transparent? I wasn't very good at hiding my emotions. Obviously she was able to tell something was up.
“Um, right.” She said, choosing to ignore my groupie comment. “I take it everything wasn't sunshine and roses after that.”
I cringed. See, now I was going to have to tell her to whole stupid story. She was going to tell me how ridiculous I was being about the whole situation. I was going to get upset and worried about it all over again, because I didn't have time to talk to Nick until after the show. That was in 5 hours. And those 5 hours were going to drag on and on.... I just knew it. It was the worst.
“Not exactly.” I started. Bev just raised her eyebrow, waiting for more. “I woke up all nervous and freaked out. Cause you know, it was weird.”
She nodded. “Well yeah, you guys have been friends for how long?”
“Exactly!” I exclaimed. “Anyway he finally woke up and he's all mister cutie patootie.”
She snorted. “Of course he was.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. And then he said he loved me.”
Bev just sat there for a minute before saying anything. It was kind of unnerving. “And?”
I got a bit defensive. What? You would too! “Okay well he didn't exactly say it. He tried to, but I stopped him... and I did that last night too. Before we did anything I stopped him from saying it. Cause he was gonna say it Bev!”
“That's stupid.” She replied, cutting into my rant.
Yes Bev, I'm well aware of that fact.
“I know!” I wailed, flopping face down into my pillow once again. Why didn't I have people coaching me and telling me how dumb my decisions were before I made them?
“No, I mean Nick's being stupid. He can't possibly love you after like... fake dating for three weeks or whatever.”
I peeked up at her. Was she actually agreeing with me? That was kind of cool. No one ever agrees with the over dramatic things I do.
“Yeah I kind of got annoyed with him for trying to say it and we had this big argument.” I mumbled.
“Well fair enough!” She laughed. “It's Nick. I bet he was only saying that to you because he thinks that's what boyfriends do.”
I sighed. It was nice that she was agreeing with me, but I should have known she would. She usually did, especially in situations like this one. “Yeah, but even if that's what he was doing, I don't think I should have gotten so upset about it.” I rationalized. “I mean, I talked to Darby and Kristal about it -“
“Their manager and stylist?” She clarified.
“Yeah.”
“You talked to them before you talked to me?!” She said in disbelief.
I rolled my eyes. This was not the problem at hand! “Well you were busy sightseeing. Besides, they had some really good advice. They said to not worry about it and basically take it one day at a time.”
Bev thought about that for a second. “They're probably right.” She finally said. “So what are you going to say to Nick?” She asked.
Good question. I hadn't worked anything out. I was just planning on saying... what exactly? That I was sorry? That I loved him too? I mean I kinda thought I did, but it was weirder for him to say it since he'd been so unsure! I mean it wasn't like he'd just had some blinding flash of the obvious, was it?
Damn, I was freaking out again. “I don't know. I guess whatever comes out.”
The concert was difficult, to say the least. First of all, I dance with Brian. That made things weird. Not that he was unprofessional at all, because he wasn't. But I just felt awkward. I knew I was going to have to break his heart... I was going to have to tell him about Nick one way or another. It wasn't fair to keep stringing him along like that.
Also, I'm pretty sure Nick was watching us most of the time. I guess I was guilty of that too. I tried to not make it obvious but I think he caught me looking at him a couple of times. I couldn't help it. Nick was at his best when he was on stage. He was gorgeous... I hated that. It didn't make our impending conversation any easier.
Or maybe it did. While I watched him all I wanted to do was cuddle with him and kiss him and have everything be uncomplicated.
Which would probably explain why I couldn't sit still at all on the bus ride back to the hotel. I practically bolted back to the hotel room to shower and change as fast as I could. I rushed out of the room so fast I barely heard Bev shout “Good luck!”
I marched down the hall to Nick's hotel room. When I got to his door I didn't even stop to hesitate or hash out my thoughts. I was just planning to go with whatever came out. So I knocked.
And nothing.
I leaned my head against the door, trying to hear if maybe he was in the shower or something. The shower didn't sound like it was on. Weird. So I knocked again, a little harder this time.
Still nothing.
I sighed. He wasn't there, and I was going to have to wait longer to talk to him. I didn't know if I could handle that.
“Are you looking for Nick?” A voice asked me. Oh, I might be saved! I looked up to see myself face to face with Kristin, Kevin's girlfriend.
“Yeah.” I replied. “Are they all out together or something?”
She laughed a little. I didn't think it was very funny! “Yeah, they're in our room. Good luck getting Nick away from them though, I'm not even allowed to be a part of bonding time.” She said, making air quotes as she said 'bonding time'.
Score! I guess I wasn't going to have to wait very long after all. I quickly thanked Kristin for the information and walked the few steps down the hall to Kevin's hotel room. Hopefully he would let me talk to Nick for a few minutes.
Why did they even need bonding time, anyway? Were they not getting along well or something?
Well, I guess I could look no further than myself for the answer to that question.
I could hear them watching movies, so I quickly knocked on the door. I tried to make it as loud and forceful sounding as I could without banging on it.
Kevin answered it really quickly. Normally I would have been intimidated, but I really wasn't. At that point, all I cared about was talking to Nick and setting things right.
“I need to talk to Nick.”
Kevin just shook his head. God, I hated his authoritarian attitude sometimes. No one he drove Nick crazy. “We're having a movie night. You can talk to Nick afterwards.”
“Come on, Kevin.” I pleaded. “You guys spend enough time with each other as it is.”
He sighed. “We just needed to spend some time relaxing as friends and not as a band. Nick and AJ especially.” He explained. “I wonder why that could be?”
Ouch. I was really bothered by that comment, but I tried not to let it show. I peered a little past Kevin and noticed Nick sitting on the bed with Brian. They were watching something and laughing hysterically.
I hated the fact that I was about to ruin all of that... But was it fair to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of their friendship? I didn't think it would cause that much of a problem. Brian would get over it eventually...right?
There was no turning back now anyway. I ducked under Kevin's arm and practically ran towards Nick.
“Dani what - ”
He started to talk and presumably ask me what I was doing. I didn't give him time. Instead I let passion take over and gave him the only signal I knew he would understand. I kissed him. It wasn't forceful, not like I pushed him down on the bed and started ripping his clothes off or anything like that. Which probably wouldn't have been a great idea seeing as Brian was sitting right next to him and the other three guys were in the room.
In hindsight, kissing him probably wasn't the greatest idea either, but I wasn't exactly thinking straight.
I just kissed him softly, and hugged him as tight as I could.
He didn't say anything, I think I might have shocked him.
I pulled away from him and somehow managed to not notice Brian's shocked expression staring right at us. The other three had gone back to watching the movie, not caring about the scene playing out in front of them.
“I'm sorry Nick. I just didn't know what to say to make it better.”
“That sort of said everything, didn't it?” He stammered, but quickly recovered and managed to give me a small smile.
“So we're good?” I asked, feeling a bit uncertain. I didn't think it was going to be that easy. Then again I didn't want to hash out the whole thing with everyone in the room either. That part could wait. I just needed him to know that I was sorry. I needed to know that we were okay despite everything.
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. We're good.”
That was all I needed to know. After giving him another quick kiss of the forehead I quickly left the hotel room and shut the door behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief. Everything was going to be fine. I felt great for about twenty seconds until I realized what I'd just done and how much I'd probably confused and hurt Brian by doing it.
I could only hope that he would be understanding about the whole thing.
