He sat and studied his new son who was contently sleeping the crook of his arm marvelling at how lucky he was, and how grateful he was to have been granted a second chance. This was all he had ever hoped for and god knows he had paid his dues what with his family history and his and Shannon’s rocky start. He heard the bathroom door creak open and smiled up to Shannon when she walked through.
“Nice bath?” he asked and she nodded as she began to perch herself on the end of the bed, her face contorting in pain as she did. “You okay?” He asked concerned.
“Yeah, just forgot about this part,” she said as she made herself more comfortable. “Is he okay?” She asked.
“He’s perfect,” he said as he stood and placed the sleeping infant in her arms.
“You don’t think he looks pale?” She asked looking down to the baby in her arms, studying him with a frown.
“No why? Do you?” He asked also looking to see if he had missed anything.
“I don’t know, something just doesn’t feel right. I think I’m still in my PICU head,” she admitted.
“He’s fine Shan, hungry again, but fine,” he said.
“Hungry again? I can’t remember Tilds being this hungry,” she said as she lowered her top so she could nurse Charlie.
“No but I don’t remember her being this settled,” he pointed out.
“Yeah you’re right.”
“Knock Knock, wow he certainly is a hungry boy isn’t he?” The midwife said when she saw that Shannon was feeding yet again. “How are you feeling?” She asked as she took a set of vitals.
“Okay. A little sore,” she shrugged.
“I would be extremely surprised if you weren’t. He’s a big baby. How do you think he’s doing?” She asked as she looked down at the baby in her arms..
“I think he’s a bit pale,” she said again, voicing her concerns.
“He looks okay to me, but the doctor will be in shortly to take a look at him. Can I get you anything?” She asked as she noted down something in her file.
“No we’re good,” Shannon smiled back as she watched the midwife leave the room. “I don’t like her,” she said suddenly as the door shut making Nick frown in confusion.
“Why? She seems nice enough.”
“She didn’t even check him out, She could have at least checked his sats,” she said studying Charlie intently not looking to Nick.
“Shan you just said yourself that you’re over analysing things, you could have asked her to check them and you didn’t. Other then being a little pale he’s doing great, he’s crying, he’s awake, he’s feeding, stop focusing on the negative things that COULD happen but won’t,” he tried to reassure as he took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze.
“You're right, I’m being totally neurotic, I just see these kids everyday who are so sick and I know the signs and I guess I’m just looking for something that’s not there, Sorry,” she apologised.
“You don’t have to be sorry but you do need to stop worrying, you need to enjoy him,” he smiled “I think your probably comparing him to Tild’s too because she was a lot darker when she was born. She was your colouring and he’s obviously taken after me and is going to be fairer,” he pointed out.
“You’re right, I didn’t think of that.”
“Stop waiting for something to go wrong,” he said softly kissing her cheek.
“It’s hard to stop being pessimistic but I’ll try,” she said.
***
The day had been long, filled with many visitors and well wishers and then adding in the fact that she hadn’t really slept a lot the previous few nights…well she was just dog tired but yet she still couldn’t fall asleep. The worry was still there.
She put down the magazine she was reading and slowly moved so she was perched on the edge of the bed, wincing when she felt a small bit of pain in her lower abdomen, how could she have forgotten about this part? She stayed still for a few more seconds before she pushed herself up and made her way over to his bassinette.
She looked down at the sleeping baby and smiled widely. She couldn’t believe how privileged she was to be doing this again, she knew some women who thought it was there god given right to be mother but she thought differently. It was a huge responsibility to raise a child, a responsibility that she had not really lived up to with Matilda a few years previous, she hadn’t been able to protect her well enough. At that point she had given up the notion of ever being a mother again but yet her she was, staring down at her newborn son, it was funny how things worked out.
This was a time when she should have been feeling happy and yet in a way she felt more overcome, almost as if she was waiting for this to come crashing down around her, like it was too perfect to be true. Something just wasn’t sitting right, she didn’t feel at ease, call it her mothers intuition but she knew that something was wrong. Charlie had been checked out by the paediatrician, a paediatrician that was well respected, well liked and who had twenty years of experience, a paediatrician that Shannon had worked with for the past year. In the past she had expressed that she would trust him with any of her children, even with her own life but now, even after she requested that he do the newborn exam, she still was not convinced.
Peter had been meticulous, listening to her concerns he had made sure to tailor the exam to any cause for the “paleness” Charlie seemed to have. He had stripped him off and checked him from head to toe and then toe to head, the exam took well over an hour, almost double the time it should have but in the end he had handed the squawking newborn back to her, a smile on his face professing “He is a very healthy little boy.”
So why was she still not convinced?
She sighed as she lightly trailed her hand down the length of his small body before she started to un-pop the buttons to his sleeper so she could get a better look at him. His breathing was even, he didn’t show any signs that he was struggling, his fontanel was soft and flat just like it should have been, his pulse steady and strong when she checked his brachial artery. Maybe she was over reacting. Maybe it was just her tired mind playing tricks on her, maybe Nick was right, that Charlie just took after his skin tone. Or maybe just maybe she was right.
She opened the clasps to his diaper and pulled the front flap down so that she could press just on the inside of his groin. She let out a small sigh of relief he had two stonking femoral pulses, just like Peter had told her.
“What are you doing?”
She almost jumped five feet in the air when she heard his voice behind her turning quickly so she could chastise him for scaring her.
“Jesus Nick you could have let me know you were there.”
“Sorry I thought you heard me come in,” he said setting the flowers down on her bed. “So what were you doing?” He asked curious.
“I…nothing,” she said a bit to defensively as she quickly re-taped the diaper and began to redo the sleeper up.
“Shan?” He asked.
“I was checking he had femoral pulses,” she admitted placing the blanket back over a sleeping Charlie. He looked at her totally confused and she mentally shook her head at herself, of course he didn’t know why she was doing that, he didn’t work in medicine. “If he didn’t he could have had a co-arctation which is a narrowing of the aorta it’s something that is really commonly missed.”
“Alright you need to stop this Shannon,” he told her firmly almost becoming slightly angry with her. She didn’t know why maybe it was the fear, maybe it was the rage of hormones surging through her exhausted body but she ended up bursting into floods of tears. “Baby,” he sighed wrapping his arms around her so she could cry into his chest.
“I’m sorry,” she whimpered.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he soothed as he rubbed her back in small circles. “You need to calm down and stop waiting for this to all fall apart because you are going to make yourself sick.”
“I know,” she sniffed pulling away from his embrace. “I’m just so scared of something happening Nick, whether its with Charlie or Matilda or you and I don’t want to…I can’t loose any of you,” she said a fresh batch of tears starting to fall at her confession.
He pulled her close again as he said, “You’re not going to. I know we’ve had a rough ride but things are looking up now okay? We’ve got so much to be happy about, a wedding to plan,” he said nudging her slightly making her giggle as she wiped her eyes.
“Did you remember to bring it?” She asked and he nodded as he reached into his pocket to retrieve the small ring box and her heart began to race when she realised where he had bought it from the pale blue box a dead giveaway. He slowly unwrapped the silk white ribbon and placed it on the bed beside her before lifting the box so she could get her first look at her engagement ring. It was beautiful, in fact stunning was the only word that could describe it. She had never been a lover of big rings, she wasn’t really the flashy type, she liked rings and jewellery that made a statement but would also go with anything and considering she would be wearing this on her finger hopefully for the rest of her life it definitely needed to match everything.
“Will you marry me?” he quietly asked her for the second time that day.
She smiled brightly at him, biting her lip to stop the tears from falling as she whispered, “Yes,” to him, the tears slipping as he placed the impressive band upon her finger before stealing a kiss. They were rudely pulled apart when Charlie started to cry though.
“Guess we’re are going to have to get used to this huh?” He chuckled as he turned to his son and picked him up carefully. “Now little guy you and I need to have a conversation about timing.”
She sat back on the bed and smiled at the scene before her, at him talking to their son he was such a great Father, like he had been born for it. Most guys she knew would have had a hard time adjusting, but he had just dove right in, changing his first diaper this morning, settling him when he hadn’t wanted to stop crying after the newborn exam and once again the feeling of regret and guilt wiggled it’s way in. Matilda had missed out on all of that, and so had he, they hadn’t been able to bond like a Father and Daughter should have been able to, not at the very beginning anyway. It hadn’t seemed to have made any difference to their daughter though because she worshipped the ground that he walked on, right from word go, it was almost as if she knew the true identity of her Father and she hadn’t really been fazed when the truth had come out two and half years ago.
“You’ll have to get used to this Charlie, she never listens,” she heard him say when she came back to the real world from her thoughts.
“Excuse me? I’m running on exhaustion here,” she joked sticking her tongue out at him.
“I had the same amount of sleep as you,” he countered.
“Yeah but did you push a nine pound baby out of your body?” She asked rasing her eyebrows to him.
“I could have,” he mumbled bursting into laughter when she shook her head at him.
“You don’t have to stay tonight you know. It might be a good idea to go home and get some sleep in a proper bed before we come home tomorrow,” she said as she took hold of the baby he was offering to her.
“Yeah I will do. I think I need to spend a bit of time with Tild’s before you guys come home. Do you know what time you’ll be let home tomorrow?” He asked as he handed her the cushion to place beneath their son as she got him situated for another feed.
“Not sure why don’t you head here for ten?” She said wincing slightly when Charlie finally latched on.
“Okay. You sure you’ll be alright?” He asked stroking the top of Charlie’s hat covered head as he suckled contently.
“Yeah, go spend some time with Tild’s, give her a kiss from me,” she said resting back against her pillow.
“I will do. I’ll see you tomorrow little guy,” he said placing a small kiss to Charlie’s head before leaning back up so he could claim her mouth in a quick kiss.
“I love you,” she told him when they broke apart.
“I love you too,” he told her as he made his way towards the door stopping abruptly when he got there. “Shan?” he asked and she turned her head to him. “Thank you.”
“For what?” She asked confused.
“For making me a Daddy again,” he smiled before blowing her a kiss and leaving.
***
This she did not miss.
She opened her eyes and tried to make out her surroundings but the room was almost pitch black, save for the small strip of light coming from under the door. She moved quickly, regretting it when she did as a pang of pain tore through her lower abdomen, she took a few deep breathes as it subsided and switched on the lamp that was beside her bed as she swing her legs over the edge slowly.
She made her way over to the squawking infant, lifting him out of the bassinette trying to soothe him as she made her way back to the bed, knowing full well that only way he would stop crying would be if he was fed again.
“You are going to pop little guy,” she joked as she made herself comfortable, getting him settled and as shut off the lamp plunging them back into darkness again. Okay maybe this was nice, she had enjoyed the late night feeds with Matilda, it was so peaceful and quiet, the only noise coming from the suckling infant and she knew as soon as he was finished he would have the drunk from milk look on his face, a look that told her he was totally satisfied and ready to go back to sleep, it was a look she loved.
So when he pulled away from her totally breathless the alarm bells started ringing again. Even in the darkness she could see that his breathing pattern was erratic, it was almost as if he was gasping for breath and she quickly reached for the lamp, her heart in her throat when she looked at him.
“Oh God!”
He was blue, completely blue.
She moved from the bed as quickly as she could, the pain in her lower stomach not even registering, she needed to get help, and so she turned to the head of the bed and pressed the big red button, the emergency buzzer as she turned and placed him on the bed and began to strip him off his sleeper.
“HELP ME! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!”
