~ Chapter Seventy Four ~

"When I was fifteen, I OD'd on my Dad's painkiller.  That was his second to last season in the majors, and he was having back problems, so needless to say, they weren't any wimpy little pills either.  Anyway, my parents were in New York, and the housekeeper ended up being the one that had to call the paramedics.  So they hauled me into the emergency room, pumped my stomach, and... I don't remember if they knocked me out, or if I just passed out, but I came to and... I don't think I've ever been that scared my entire life."  Nick was sitting in the chair next to the bed, knees hugged up to his chin.

Felicia stared at him, completely speechless.  It wasn't that speechlessness was something she wasn't used to; in fact she had spent a great deal of her life in that very state.  That had to be one of the last things she had ever expected Nick Carter to say. 

"Why?"  She said finally, ducking her head down to fuss with Natalie's pale green plaid blanket.  She was still confused - and as Nick had said, scared - about the last two days, and it was making her feel defenseless. 

Nick wrinkled his nose. "I'm not sure.  Either, I really wanted to die, or it was my last attempt at getting my parents attention.  I was in therapy for three years and I never really figured it out."

"That's very comforting."  She said dryly, watching Natalie's perfect little fist grab hold of her index finger.  It took so little to keep Natalie happy.  All she needed was her blanket, pacifier and someone to hold her.  Why couldn't it be that simple all the time? "So, did it work?"

"Huh?"  Nick said it rather eloquently.

"To get your parents attention, I mean."

"Oh.  No, it didn't."  He shrugged.  "However, it did make me realize in no uncertain terms that they didn't care.  They finally showed up at the hospital, and I got five or six different lectures, what the hell was wrong with me, how could I scare my mother like that, so on and so forth... but it never occurred to either of them to bother asking WHY I did any of that.  And I spent the next four years of my life more than a little screwed up." 

"Did you ever do it again?"  Felicia had to ask.  That thought had been what was worrying her the most about what she had done.  Everything had happened so unexpectedly, what if she tried something like that again?

"Yeah."  Nick pushed up the black sleeve of his shirt.  In the back of her mind, Felicia noted how baseball players always had great tans, at least on their arms.  Nick ran his finger along the hardly visible scar on his forearm.  "That was nineteen, in the minors at Columbus, after a nice little three error game that my father called me and chewed me out over."  He pulled his sleeve back down and leaned back in the chair.  "And then last April, I was that close..." he held his fingers up to demonstrate, "... but Brian kind of interrupted things."

"That worries me a little." Felicia admitted.

"What does?  Attempting something like that again?"  Nick shook his head.  "I don't think you will.  I don't think you're going to screw your life up like I did."

"Oh, and what makes you think that?"

"Because, I didn't have anybody until about ten months ago, but you... you have AJ." 

"Oh really?  How do you know this isn't going to mess up our entire relationship, and he'll never trust me again?"  Felicia retorted.  So much for speechless, where had that come from?  It was true, however.  If she was AJ, she certainly wouldn't trust herself.  Actually, she didn't trust herself very much anymore either. 

"Did he say that?"  Nick said slowly. 

"No.  We haven't done a whole lot of talking the last couple days."  Of course, it hadn't taken AJ a lot of talking to get his point across.  'Do you think I want to raise a kid all by myself?' had gotten his point across in very few words.  She wasn't sure what to do about AJ right now, either.

She pulled Natalie closer, wrapping the blanket tighter.  At least there was one part of her life that wasn't falling apart.

~*~

Nick stared down at his hands, surprised to see they weren't shaking.  He felt like he should be.  Telling that entire story hadn't been any easier the second time around.  He hadn't explained things as much to Felicia, partly because she already knew, but mostly because he wasn't comfortable taking everything to that level with someone he barely knew. 

More and more, the fact that he was taking things to that level with Stacy was fast becoming his favorite part if their relationship.  Yeah, she was pretty, and he wouldn't deny that he enjoyed the physical side of everything, but he loved the fact that he could trust Stacy with anything.  He loved the way that she didn't just assume answers about him. 

AJ was slouched next to Nick, arms folded across his chest, staring fixedly at the wall.  He had greeted Nick when he and Natalie had first arrived, talked baby talk to his daughter for a couple minutes, and then left them alone.  Nick couldn't tell if AJ was mad or just upset.  Either way, he didn't really feel like prodding him. 

"Look what I found in the gift shop downstairs!"  Denise announced happily when she got off the elevator, waving a Harlequin Romance in their face.

"Yep, look at that.  You found yourself a half naked woman being attacked by a strategically covered man.  Nice job."  AJ glanced upwards, arms remaining folded.

Nick wrinkled his nose at the picture.  The couple featured on the front reminded him strangely of Chelsea Powers and Howie.  That was a mental image he would prefer to never think of again. 

"Shut up, now."  Denise smacked her son on the head with the book.  "This is better than those dumb mysteries with the cat solving murders that I was reading.  I mean, how realistic is THAT?"

AJ frowned.  "Shall I just refrain from answering?"

Denise raised the book again.

"Nick and I are going to head out for a while.  We'll be back in a while, okay?  Natalie's with Lissie."  AJ grabbed Nick by the arm and started for the elevator, leaving Denise with her paperback.

"Um, where are we going?"  Nick wondered, once the elevator was heading towards the lobby.  This was news to him. He rubbed his arm gingerly, quite certain that AJ had bruised something dragging him towards the elevator.

"I have no idea.  I just want out.  She's driving me nuts."  AJ tapped his foot nervously on the floor. "God, I wish I still smoked."

Nick was rather glad that AJ didn't smoke, the thought of him with any form of fire was entirely too frightening. 

"So, what did she say?"  AJ prodded, as the elevator doors opened to the lobby.

"What do you mean?"  Nick was confused. 

"I mean right now Felicia is refusing to acknowledge my presence in the room, so I was curious exactly what she said."  AJ repeated testily. 

"She's ignoring you?"  Nick hadn't realized that.  Shutting AJ out wasn't going to solve anything for her, Nick was more than aware of that fact.  True, he had just figured that out recently, but if he had just known to begin with, he had to wonder how differently his life would have turned out. 

"You know what, I don't really want to talk about it right now."  AJ's voice caught in the back of his throat.

"Okay."  Nick wasn't going to push it.  Emotional outbursts weren't something he had ever been good dealing with, either with himself or others.  "That way."  He pointed AJ in the direction of the elevator to the parking garage.  By the time they reached Nick's car, AJ had his sunglasses out and firmly in place.  Nick flung the car seat in the trunk, slightly harder than necessary.  He knew that trick - don't let the rest of the world in.  Nick just had it perfected where he didn't need sunglasses. 

"She thinks you don't trust her anymore."  Nick said finally, starting the car and quickly flipping off the CD player, which was still playing at freeway level decibels. He wasn't sure which side to take.  Felicia had never explicitly said not to tell AJ that, but he knew she wouldn't have said it had AJ been there, and at the same time, AJ needed to know what was going on. 

"Would you?"  AJ said finally.

"AJ, I don't know."  He honestly didn't.  If he was in AJ's shoes, he had absolutely no idea what he would do. 

AJ sat quietly for several minutes, thinking.  "I think I still do.  What makes me wonder is exactly how much she trusted me." 

Nick put the car in gear.  He didn't really care where he was going, he just needed something to do.  Stacy would have had an answer for AJ.  Nick didn't.  He couldn't remember ever having an answer when someone needed it.  Some friend he was. 

"She scared the hell out of me."  AJ said after several city blocks. 

"She scared herself just as much, if not more."  Nick corrected softly. 

"What am I going to do?"  AJ sighed. 

"Well, you either give up, or as a friend of mine who claims to be wise once said, you pick up the pieces and move on."

"When did I say that?"

"How did you know I was talking about you?"  Nick countered.  "You said it in New York when I wanted to know what happens when everything backfires in your face."  It was funny how his mind kept going back to that day.  "When I said I was in love with Stacy." 

The corner of AJ's mouth tipped up in a tiny smile.  "Did you ever tell her that?"

"We're not talking about that right now, AJ, we're talking about Felicia."  Nick said firmly. 

"Do you believe in soul mates?"  AJ turned his attention back to the buildings passing by the car window. 

"What do you mean?"

"One perfect person for everyone.  'Cause I do.  I can't imagine my life without Felicia.  I honestly can't."  AJ eyed Nick over his glasses.  "You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?"

Nick ran his hand through his hair.  He wasn't sure.  He didn't know if he could imagine living without Stacy or not.  He didn't really want to know.  What if he couldn't?  Why couldn't his life just make sense to him for once?

"It changes things a little, doesn't it?"  AJ pulled his sunglasses off and tossed them up on the dashboard. 

"Yeah."  Nick admitted.  "It does.  The last couple weeks, things have been different... it's... it feels more real now."  Now he was making absolutely no sense whatsoever. 

AJ bolted upright, clawing at the shoulder strap of the seatbelt when it tried to decapitate him.  "You're a genius!  Okay... while you're driving aimlessly here, go by my place.  I need to get something."

~*~

"You made me drive all the way over here for that?"  Nick eyed the object in AJ's hand.  "It's a stuffed bunny."  He added disbelievingly. 

"No."  AJ corrected.  "It's a rabbit.  There's a big difference there, my friend."

"How?"

"Let's go.  I'll explain to you on the way back."